Is this pretentious??? Your opinion please! - Page 3

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

As i said before-I get new moms a basket filled with things you are going to use-no matter who you are, cloth breast pads, nipple cream, breast milk storage bags, teething tablets-no one will scoff at that because it's all things that will be used. That usually isn't on anyone's list, and they sure do appreciate it.

I think ideas like that are great...but they won't be used "no matter who you are". I've known several moms who never breastfed, so about half that stuff would be useless for them. There are very few things that work for every new mom, yk?

My best received baby shower gift ever wasn't for the baby - I got the new mom a box of stuff. It had tiger balm (she had awful back pain, probably from her epi, for weeks after the birth), several quick snack things, and...I don't remember - it was a long time ago. But, it was basically a "self care" basket, because I knew money was tight and time was tight. She loved it.

My other favourite is kind of funny, because I'm a huge breastfeeding advocate, and had never given any thought, prior to coming to MDC, about how...off it is, in some ways. But, I've given out several baby bottle candles. I use a gold or silver paint pen to write the baby's given names on one side, and their birth date on the other. I've also given into gender colour stereotypes, as boy babies get a blue one, and girl babies get a pink one. But...they go over really well.

[Norasmomma]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

I think ideas like that are great...but they won't be used "no matter who you are". I've known several moms who never breastfed, so about half that stuff would be useless for them. There are very few things that work for every new mom, yk?

True, but most of the moms I know all have breastfed, so most of those things all did come in handy.

I also make "coupons" for food, I offer a menu and then make and freeze the foods requested, that gets rave reviews. New parents love that one.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

True, but most of the moms I know all have breastfed, so most of those things all did come in handy.

Fair enough - definitely all useful, if the mom is breastfeeding. I wish all the moms I knew did it...

I also make "coupons" for food, I offer a menu and then make and freeze the foods requested, that gets rave reviews. New parents love that one.

I love this...what an awesome idea. I like the food train idea a lot, anyway (and benefited greatly from it when Aaron was stillborn)...but combining it with a menu is doubly awesome. I'm going to keep this in mind when I start having babies in my circle again. (Everyone in my family and circle of friends who are going to have babies have had them. I planned to be done about 10 years ago, myself! But...there'll be grandkids and such one day.) It sure beats the "stock up on frozen meat pies" approach I took with ds1.

[mamadelbosque]

What we did when I was preggo with DS was make a list on "thethingsiwant.com" - its a site that allows you to make a list of stuff you want from literally *ANY* website online, and is what I've continued to use for bdays/xmas/etc. I also instigated a 'nothing made in china' rule when it came to baby toys and that kept virtually all the usual fisher price/sesame street/etc out of our house. Of course, when this rule was instigated was right at the start of all the lead tainted toy recalls a couple years ago, so people were like 'oh, well, that does make sense I suppose...' - how they'd feel about it if it was instigated *NOW*? IDK. But it worked for us!!

[Norasmomma]

Thanks-I like doing this too, it makes me feel like it is useful and contributing to the budding success of those first few weeks which we all know can be hard. I made a bunch of food before DD was born and now I feel like it is really the best gift that I can give. I recently made 3 meals for my nephew and his wife, they were so gracious and it helped them so much. People get so much "stuff", but something like that is so helpful in those first few days.

The best gift I got was a beautiful roast dinner, with home grown potatoes and carrots from my Dad's garden. He and my stepmom brought that with champagne and candy bars, toasted DD's birth and went on their way. It was the most beautiful, loving gift-it was gorgeous and so sweet.

[CrunchyKnitter]

I haven't read through the entire thread, but I wanted to say that I have been using myregistry.com and I love it! I put stuff on from all different sites (like all my cloth diapers) and I can show people the types of things I want without saying outright "I don't want plastic crap".

[mbravebird]

Originally Posted by CrunchyKnitter

I haven't read through the entire thread, but I wanted to say that I have been using myregistry.com and I love it! I put stuff on from all different sites (like all my cloth diapers) and I can show people the types of things I want without saying outright "I don't want plastic crap".

I haven't read the thread either, but wanted to post this too. I haven't looked at myregistry.com, but Amazon's "wish list" now has a function where you can list something from any site on the internet. And it's really easy. And people are accustomed to going to Amazon, so it might be easier for them.

Yeah, I wouldn't make a point of the whole lifestyle thing. It's like inviting a battle where you don't need one. Just live, and they'll get it eventually...

[umbrella]

Isn't gift giving about the person you are giving it to not about you?

It's about both. People don't pick specific gifts instead of sending cash just to save the couple the trouble of making the trip to the store themselves. People like that part of the gift-giving process is that the gift is about both the giver and the receiver. People don't just knit baby blankets because they're cheap and don't want to spend much money. They usually do it because they want to specifically pick out the color and pattern just for them, and have it be a special gift from them, not just another blanket to defend against drafts. People pass down sentimental items not just to get the receiver more stuff, but because of the sentiment. People like the receiver to think that the gift was chosen with thought and care because of their relationship together.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by umbrella

It's about both. People don't pick specific gifts instead of sending cash just to save the couple the trouble of making the trip to the store themselves. People like that part of the gift-giving process is that the gift is about both the giver and the receiver. People don't just knit baby blankets because they're cheap and don't want to spend much money. They usually do it because they want to specifically pick out the color and pattern just for them, and have it be a special gift from them, not just another blanket to defend against drafts. People pass down sentimental items not just to get the receiver more stuff, but because of the sentiment. People like the receiver to think that the gift was chosen with thought and care because of their relationship together.

Yes but again all coming down to the receiver's preference not to the gift-giver's when it is done thoughtfully at least. I like being told what a person wants/needs so that they get what they want/need and are happy with it. I don't just go knit any ol' blanket without considering the colors and fiber used at the receiver's preference not my own. Now people do do this and it's not very thoughtful, IMO.

[nudhistbudhist]

I think the note is a great idea, and I have sent out emails and had conversations about the same stuff with my family and friends. Luckily, everyone knows that I am a hardcore environmentalist, so much so that we dont use diapers OF ANY KIND so no one was surprised. I think that these days, with the state of the Earth, its time to get SERIOUS about lifestyle choices! To not send the note is to be an enabler

PREACHY? C'mon! if your parents are likely to buy that stuff, they need some preachin!!!! Having a child can amount to a lot of made in china, toxic, earth abusing crapola over the years. Why not start out on the right foot with everyone? Set a precedent. My family knows my child is not even allowed to touch plastic toys, so they wont buy it EVER!

As for gift registries, all my favorite organic, earth friendly baby stores online have registries now. I live in the middle of no where, so we always shop online anyways. Good luck!

[sky_and_lavender]

Originally Posted by zinemama

I sympathize and I've been there. But I think you need to re-write that letter substantially.
...
As you see, I did edit out a lot of the "editorializing" in your list. You're right, it did come across as snobby and pretentious.

I think this letter is great!

My husband and I are trying to avoid having a baby shower and then plan to return/donate gifts that don't fit in with what we want. (It's easier for us, though, because most of the people who are giving the gifts live far away and will not be visiting any time soon.)

But if we were going to send a letter, the version zinemama sent would be ideal.

[Talula Fairie]

It is a little preachy/pretentious so I would change it just a bit (I do agree with what you said though). This is what I would change it to.

It is our belief that the arrival of a new child should be a joyous and hopeful occasion that does not make our ecological footprint larger and does not create more stress on our already fragile planet. For this reason, we wish to share with you the following list.

What we would like (in no particular order!!!):
-simple toys made of natural materials such as wood or materials, that stimulate imagination and encourage creativity.
-items to make breastfeeding or cloth diapering simpler (we have already selected cloth diapering system by Mother-ease)
-items purchased at small local shops
-books and music to stimulate imagination and curiosity
-clothes to keep a small human being warm and comfortable throughout the year
-handmade items

What we wish to avoid:

-plastic toys that make noise or need batteries

I think the original way it's written kinda indicates that if they don't only shop with locally owned businesses or don't buy you the stuff you want they are disrespectful of you and bad consumers. By taking those few little things out, you're just making a polite request. You can donate any items you receive anyway that you don't like (because let's face it, you probably will get some) to a local thrift store or woman's shelter, which ups your karma points considerably

Also, I don't know if this is too big business for you, but Amazon.com has a lot of organic clothing, cloth diapering supplies, natural baby products, and wooden/imaginative toys. It might be helpful for those that are not very hip and don't get what imaginative toys means or what items are best for cloth, ect. I know it's like asking for gifts to you but hey, I say, if people are asking YOU where you are registered, they are going to get you something anyway, and it may as well be something you like!

You may want to specify what kind of clothing you want. Maybe say something like "plain, gender neutral clothing" or "clothing from local shops" or "organic clothing" or "used clothing" ect. Otherwise you may end up with some really ugly cartoon character stuff. Askmehowiknow.

[learnlovebe]

Originally Posted by nudhistbudhist

I think the note is a great idea, and I have sent out emails and had conversations about the same stuff with my family and friends. Luckily, everyone knows that I am a hardcore environmentalist, so much so that we dont use diapers OF ANY KIND so no one was surprised. I think that these days, with the state of the Earth, its time to get SERIOUS about lifestyle choices! To not send the note is to be an enabler

PREACHY? C'mon! if your parents are likely to buy that stuff, they need some preachin!!!! Having a child can amount to a lot of made in china, toxic, earth abusing crapola over the years. Why not start out on the right foot with everyone? Set a precedent. My family knows my child is not even allowed to touch plastic toys, so they wont buy it EVER!

As for gift registries, all my favorite organic, earth friendly baby stores online have registries now. I live in the middle of no where, so we always shop online anyways. Good luck!

Of all the above entries, I think I'm agreeing with this statement the most. Not necessarily word for word, but in general.

I personally liked the orginal letter, but I liked the revised version (the first one I think, that referenced Mr. Bena and such) better. It is all about the wording.

I think part of it depends on who you're sending this letter to- is it going out to everyone you know-neighbors, coworkers, friends and family- or just close family and friends?

For me, if it was just my friends and family, they know me and wouldn't be surprised a bit by a letter like this. In fact, it's of similar nature to the one I send out to my mom, MIL, and brothers and sister who i know have NO CLUE what to get a kid of X age for Christmas. I have specifically stated several times...No Liscensed Characters (especially before age one- my ds didn't watch tv, it's not he knows who those people/monsters/superheroes are).

But back to the baby registry part (I'm easliy distracted). The online registry thing sounds cool, but it depends on your circle of friends and family. With mine, I know some people would love it and totally go by that to get gifts, but others (like my MIL) are STILL nervous about buying online- so she wouldn't even look at it, even to just use as an idea-getter. So you could win, or you could not.

As it's been hashed out in all the other posts- there are people who love registries, and people who don't. There are people who will ONLY shop off them, and there are people who will just get you what they think you need (and there are people who will get you the "Really? What am I going to do with this?). Bottom line- you're never going to make everyone happy.

Despite hating the big box stores, a couple PPs made excellent points 1) their return policies are getting worse and worse and 2) registering at their store does make it a litte bit easier to exchange for what you do need. IS there a store that has SOME necessities that you could/would use? Just so you have one place for your more mainstream acquintances to buy from? You will be surprised how many people will buy gifts for your little one (I only had 5 people at my shower...FIVE...but after the baby was born...my mom's co-workers, my husband's boss's secretary, the neighbor gal we had JUST met a month earlier...ALL bought stuff).

Good luck to you in figuring this whole thing out. I'm glad you're thinking about what kind of stuff you want surrounding your new baby. Too many people think that just because they make it...they need it. agh.

[Talula Fairie]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

One thing interests me here...I haven't had a baby shower since ds1 (well, a work one for dd). Are battery-operated, flashy toys really common for newborns? That seems soooo weird to me...

YES. Why? I couldn't tell you. I have received so many plastic toys that makes noise. For newborns. So many have come to my house and have to magically disappear...

But my family doesn't 'get' the natural stuff. Every Birthday and Christmas I give them the list of items we would want (because everyone makes lists) and I did finally request no more plastic toys that make noise...but I still get them

[liza-s]

I have to recommend doing an Amazon registry since you have books and music on your list of things you'd appreciate. I did a registry there - my extended family "begged" me to do a registry so they had an idea of what we might need (I don't live anywhere near my side of the family). Over half of my registry was books & CD's. I also registered for diaper-friendly soap, baby creams/lotions, lanolin & other breastfeeding ointments. Those were real money savers & I got to try a variety of brands to figure out my favorites.

[LibertyBelle]

I agree with many of the previous posters. I would not like to receive a note like that, and I think it's a tad rude.

If you're not comfortable registering for anything, my advice would be to have someone close to you spread the word to your friends and family. If you end up with toys and items you don't approve of, then donate them to someone who will appreciate them.

[hummingmom]

Originally Posted by Norasmomma

As i said before-I get new moms a basket filled with things you are going to use-no matter who you are, cloth breast pads, nipple cream, breast milk storage bags, teething tablets-no one will scoff at that because it's all things that will be used.

Maybe I'm an anomalous data point, but I have three children (all breastfed), and have never felt the need to use those creams. Not that I'd be bothered to get them as a gift, but they'd just be given away.

OTOH, if you were to substitute a jar of salve for, ahem, another area of the body : ... well, now you're talking. But I don't suppose that would go over well in a surprise gift basket. Or on a registry, for that matter.

[grumpybear]

Originally Posted by Bena

We are faced by many people who keep asking where we will register for gifts and talking about things to get us.
I hate the idea of a gift registry, I can`t help but feel that I am asking for things and imposing gifts on people. Plus, the only stores that offer gift registrys are the big box style stores that I really, really dislike.

So I thought of the following note to pass on to my immediate family, with the hope that they could pass it on (I feel pretentious sending it out myself!) to extended family.

I think if you feel pretentious about sending it out yourself, then it probably IS pretentious.

So, I`m asking here for your opinion...do you think my message is ok? Anything else I could add?? How did you make people understand that gifts were greatly appreciated, but you didn`t want certain things???

To me the letter does not give out the "gifts are appreciated" vibe, but rather that "only certain gifts are appreciated". So no, I don't think it sounds grateful at all but rather very picky.

While I get where you're coming from, the letter does sound very condescending especially for people who aren't totally in sync with your life choices.

As a lazy gift giver, I appreciate it if I knew what the recipient wanted but what I do not appreciate is being told where and how to buy it. I think that borders a bit on being controlling.

It is our belief that the arrival of a new child should be a joyous and hopeful occasion that does not make our ecological footprint larger and does not create more stress on our already fragile planet. For this reason, we wish to share with you the following list and hope you will understand and respect our wishes for this new child and our planet.

What we would like (in no particular order!!!):
-simple toys made of natural materials such as wood or materials, that stimulate imagination and encourage creativity.
-items to make breastfeeding or cloth diapering simpler (we have already selected cloth diapering system by Mother-ease, a locally owned, environmentally friendly business)
-items purchased at small local shops (as opposed to big-box multinationals)
-books and music to stimulate imagination and curiosity
-clothes to keep a small human being warm and comfortable throughout the year
-handmade items

What we wish to avoid:

-plastic toys that make noise or need batteries
-

[Logan]

I didnt have a chance to read all the replies- but all I can say is GOOD LUCK!

I did something similar for our naming ceremony, people just ignored it and bought whatever the hell they wanted. When I asked for wooden/natural toys only for all the following birthdays/christmas etc I was told they were 'too hard' to find- they're not, even Target has wooden options. And we continue to get loaded down with plastic crap. Not even well selected items (like blocks or something). I have tried everything, asking for nothing (my preference would be quality time instead of gifts)...askign for specifics....asking for natural/organic....I have well and truly given up! People dont care. Seriously, they dont. Im at the point where Im just going to start telling people to take it back, its that bad. If they didnt insist on him opening it right away I would have sold the others on Ebay. I find it so frustrating as not only do I try to be really careful about what types of things we buy, but we are also going seriously minimalist and simplifying our home now. So it makes all the work Im doing at decluttering void when they ignore my pleas.

But anyway, good luck- I hope you have family and friends who will listen to your requests!

I also second the online wishlist- or if you need something specific (liek cloth nappies) ask for vouchers to a site, or find one where you can make a registry. At least if its formal like that they may actually respect it.

[Quindin]

I like zinemama's edited note the best!

Two things I have learned:

1. Most people still are not comfortable with shopping online, so don't bother registrying online...

2. Having kids means that you WILL get noisy, plastic junk from people. It is jus how it is.

Somebody on my DDC said that she gave up insisiting with people she did not need all the useless baby stuff people think are "essential", so she just registered at BRU.
She had found out at the shop that you could get a cash refund even without receipts if the item was ian your registry.
So she will take the junk back and use the money on stuff she finds more useful.
So I would look into this option if I were you.