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[MommyofHero]

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Edited by MommyofHero - 4/5/11 at 12:45pm

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

A couple of quick thoughts, more to spark your own examination/thoughts that to provide "answers", I'm afraid.

First, there is a big difference between "planning to spank" and actually doing it. Sometimes, though not always by any means, those intentions go out the window when faced with actual sitatuions. Not that I would count on this, but it might just naturally resolve itself, especially if you are there as a shining example of "a better way".

What does your SIL think of this plan? She would, I assume, have a say as well. In fact, she may be pushing one way or the other rather strongly and you'll want to consider that as you ponder next steps.

Is your brother's family still Christian? If so, there are different resources to recommend than if they are now completely turned away from that because of your upbringing. I can see it going either way.

Whether or not you want to get in the middle of this may depend on how close you plan on staying. For example, is it your intention to make your brother your child's guardian if you are killed? That would be an obvious entry into this area.

Do you want to influence the way your brother raises his child or just not have to deal with it in your face for your own sake? I think there is no shame in either answer, and I (though not everyone here will agree) could make a coherant arguement for "let each family do what works as long as I don't have to see/hear it". And you should be able to achieve at least that much. But if you want to become more involved, I think that could be good too, but you have to be willing to take more risks.

So, some options, depending on how all of those questions play out for you:
1. Suggest you all take a parenting class together. DH, myself and the kid's guardians did this when DS was very little. It was great because it gave an "expert" opinion that meant *I* didn't have to lecture anyone and it gave neutral situations to discuss in the abstract before people were emotionally involved. Of course, this means you search our and pre-screen any class to make sure they aren't advocating spanking!

2. If they are still Christian, there are Christian-based gentle discipline books/websites, mostly going under "Grace-based discipline". Search those out to recommend. If you are still Christian as well, its easy to use the "I found this great resource" type of recommendation. As you know, the Sears' are a good place to start.

3. If you have all turned away from Christianity, then maybe find secular resources for the type of discipline you plan on using and share as an "interesting resource" and see how it goes from there.

[texmati]

You say that you are close, so I would talk to him about it. Maybe he just doesnt know any different?

Where I live, it's very accepted to spank, ect. I hardly hear any other opinions except that children need to be spanked. I think it would be worth the conversation with your bro-- at least he should know what's out there before he makes a decision about this.

*I just saw that you live in austin-- I'm in north texas. For the most part, around here it seems that discipline == spanking.

[2cutiekitties]

Question ...

Does he come over to your house with his child? Will you allow him to spank his child in your house? If the answer is no, I would tell him that and that if he is ever babysitting your child, he may not spank them.

[PaulaJoAnne]

I have read quite a few of the grace based articles, and I would like to leave you with this one, as I found it to be the very best one so far.
http://parentingfreedom.com/discipline/

[ledzepplon]

There's a Dr. Sears Discipline Book where spanking is addressed from a Christian perspective. Maybe he'd be open to reading that?

[phathui5]

You could refer them to www.gentlechristianmothers.com

I would make it clear that, regardless of what they choose to do in their home, they may not hit children (theirs' or your's) in your home.

[octobermom]

For every parenting book that tell you not to spank 2 others will justify it. and reversed... Your brother plans to spank because it what he knows sadly abuse takes on many faces on one is it repeats . In some ways yes he was brainwashed.
Deanna

[octobermom]

Ohh my brother spanks were were raised punitive but not overly so he went way that way I didn't. FOr the most part we agree to disagree as the mom on an only I have little to talk about when hes dealing with 5 kids. I enforce the boundries around my child my home ect and if hes open we do discuss alternitives and age appropiate behavior. He choose a very diffrent way of parenting and I can eaither choose to accept it while maintaining my own boundries or I can severe all relations with him and his family or I can join him..

Deanna

[MommyofHero]

all of your responses are so helpful!! thank you so much!! It is wonderful to know that I am not alone in this.
To answer some previous questions, no, I am not a Christian, and my brother, well... I'm not sure if he's a Christian or not. I think he's confused. He seems to only bring up the Bible when its convenient for him, and other than that, he doesn't seem to follow Christianity very much...
His wife is very subservient and pretty much does anything he says. So the decision to spank was his idea and she doesn't seem to care one way or another. It bothers me sometimes that she doesn't seem to have an opinion of her own.
I passed on to him the "Parenting Freedom" link-- thank you for showing this to me! I would love for them to read the Dr Sears book too, but I don't want to be too pushy about this. I'm sure it is difficult for him to see my perspective on this because I was the older sibling growing up that witnessed my father "spanking" my brother since he was about 6 months old, and it hurt me deeply. I felt guilty for not protecting him more. Maybe I still feel a little of that guilt to this day...
Anyway, thank you all for your support!!!! Sometimes i just don't know what i'd do without this Mothering site!

[puddle]

If you and your brother both live in Austin, you may want to try getting involved with the Austin Attached Families group together. Being around other AP families that don't spank, he may see that there are alternatives and that kids actually do turn out okay without being hit.

[MommyofHero]

Originally Posted by puddle

If you and your brother both live in Austin, you may want to try getting involved with the Austin Attached Families group together. Being around other AP families that don't spank, he may see that there are alternatives and that kids actually do turn out okay without being hit.

Thanks! I just googled it and put the info on my calendar. I'm sure I can get my sister-in-law to attend with me since they follow attachment parenting with everything else except discipline. I'm happy to know there's a local group! I need more mommy friends!!!

[puddle]

If you join the yahoo group, they have tons of playgroups and things. I don't know where in Austin you are, but the South group at least is pretty active, and there's an additional yahoo group for infants.

[MommyofHero]

Originally Posted by puddle

If you join the yahoo group, they have tons of playgroups and things. I don't know where in Austin you are, but the South group at least is pretty active, and there's an additional yahoo group for infants.

I actually live in Del Valle, but only about 10 minutes from South Austin. Can you link me to the Yahoo group you speak of? I'm never on Yahoo and don't know much about it. I would really love to get to know parents with similar ideals. I'm a very *new* parent and was a huge partier prior to parenthood, so I am having to build new friendships now that my lifestyle has changed. (and believe me, i am HAPPY about this lifestyle change!! i just don't really know how to meet people who have kids and who think similarly...) thank you for helping me out!

[puddle]

Sending you a PM

[ewe+lamb]

Originally Posted by MommyofHero

I'm sure it is difficult for him to see my perspective on this because I was the older sibling growing up that witnessed my father "spanking" my brother since he was about 6 months old, and it hurt me deeply. I felt guilty for not protecting him more. Maybe I still feel a little of that guilt to this day...

Does your brother know this? This statement really stood out to me, it may be beneficial for the two of you to sit down together face to face and you could tell him this, I'm sure he'd be really touched by your concern and not wanting the same thing to happen to your nephew. Quite frankly this could change everything.

[MommyofHero]

Originally Posted by ewe+lamb

Does your brother know this? This statement really stood out to me, it may be beneficial for the two of you to sit down together face to face and you could tell him this, I'm sure he'd be really touched by your concern and not wanting the same thing to happen to your nephew. Quite frankly this could change everything.

You're right...I haven't brought this up to him. It's tough-- I am still trying to learn how to be open and communicate productively and trying to UNlearn things that were ingrained in me in my childhood-- still healing from the past. We were punished harshly as children any time we showed any "negative" emotion. I can't even begin to express how damaging spanking can be-- even when done in the "right" way (i.e. spanking with "love")...that's a laugh. Sorry, but it's completely contradictory and impossible to deliberately inflict pain on a defenseless baby/child out of "love"!! Anyway, I'm rambling... sorry!