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other children hitting my child - Page 3

post #41 of 51
Oh, mama, I so feel your pain.

I also have a very gentle kiddo who has never really gone through the hitting phase. We are dealing right now with an issue: we've just moved and the ONE little boy we know here is extremely violent.

He pushes, hits, kicks, throws and screams in DS' face. It's not "normal" agression: the people who staff his daycare have had some serious chats with his mom about his behavior. She feels lost trying to help him and frankly, every playdate with this child ends badly.

While I feel for her child, I feel worse for mine. He just wants to play! And this boy is SO ANGRY and out of control.

I've cut down on playdates, but he's the only social outlet we have so far! It's rough. I'll be teaching DS to say "It's NOT OK". Right now he just cries and runs away.

Anyway, I totally understand where you are coming from. For the mamas who think she's being harsh, I disagree. It makes me furious to see my child get hit and hurt. Surely every mother can understand that?
post #42 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by hipmummy View Post
As a parent who has a child that piches and grabs. It is not fair to drop your friends. I have been hurt by many so called "friends" because my child grabs faces. Ds is very intense is not doing it out of aggression. most of the time it is the opposite and he is trying to show love or affection. Obviuosly no one wants to see their child get hurt, but remember there are two sides to every story. We are a GD family and ds still does it. It is NORMAL for children to hit,pull,pinch bite etc. When i play with certain children I stay right next them at all times and I distract ds when he gets the "look" in his eyes. I try to prevent the event. But, I do beg everyone to stop judging parents and be a friend to the parent. It makes it worse because now the child is shunned and will have more problems.
I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.
post #43 of 51
Quote:
I have to admit, that if another kid was grabbing my kids face, we would definitely not play with them anymore, I get it being hard to be the shunned child, but it's my responsibility to protect my kids, and grabbing faces is not ok with me at all.
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?
post #44 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Lolagirl View Post
I'm trying to say this very gently, but I think you are overreacting. I have twins, and we never ever use corporal punishment of any kind with them, but they still hit each other fairly frequently. It stinks, but hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old child to do. Let me repeat that for emphasis: hitting is a developmentally normal thing for a 3 year old to do. Please don't judge someone's child unfairly and then cut them off without a second chance simply because the child may have hit yours while they are playing together. I understand wanting to protect your child from harm, believe me, my mama bear instinct still kicks in when one of mine hurts his sibling, but I take a deep breath, separate them, and after comforting the hurt child have a discussion with the hitter about why the behavior is hurtful and inappropriate.

Honestly, I think you can use these sorts of moments as a teaching opportunity with your daughter. Explain to her that some people have greater difficulty working through their emotions and controling their more negative ones. As long as the other parent is engaged with their own child and is responsive to the hitting situations then I really see no reason to stop letting that child play with yours. As you are already finding out, you are going to limit yourself and your daughter's opportunities for friendships and socialization quite severely if you aren't willing to be more forgiving and understanding about these sorts of situations.

Edited to add, I wouldn't encourage your daughter to hit back in these sorts of situations. At such a young age all that will do is send mixed messages to her about hitting and physical violence. What I tell my kids to do is tell the hitter to stop and come get me for help if that hitter continues after the warning.

Hope that helps!
Yep. My kids have both hit. And bit. And so on. And I feel terrible for the kids they hit. It does help to remember they are 3. 3 year old's have so little emotional control (or any control really), its what makes 3 so much fun!

Quote:
There but for the grace of God...next time it could be your kid doing the hitting, or pinching, or whispering not-nice things on the playground, or ganging up on a smaller child, etc...I think a place of compassion is a good place to start.
I totally agree.

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.
post #45 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by BetsyNY View Post
For heaven's sake, why not? Grabbing faces? Seriously?
you could really hurt someone grabbing their face by poking their eyes, or hitting their nose ouch! And, it would REALLY freak out my autistic 5 year old...like seriously freak him out, and maybe even more so than him, it would also very very much freak out my almost 2 year old.
post #46 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Alyantavid View Post

I get the wanting to protect your child and being angry at another child for hurting yours, but these are very small children who are just learning how and what is ok and what isn't.
Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.
post #47 of 51
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cinder View Post
Ohh, I definitely agree that hitting is completely normal for 3...and I would NOT stop having playdates with a kid who occasionally hits, not at all, like I said, Kincaid having been in a special needs pre-school for years now has been on the receiving end of quite a few pushes and hits, but I still think that flash of wanting to do something to the kid who hurt your kid is completely normal and not a bad thing...it becomes bad if you act upon it.
with most children who go through the hitting phase (and most children do go through it) there is a time where its occasional and a time where it's increased. For me I don't continue play dates solely for the sake of the aggressor. I continue play dates for my child sake as well, if my child wants to continue the play dates. We wouldn't continue if my child didnt want to but I notice that with most children I observe, and having been a child myself once, that it would be more hurtful to not be allowed to play with a child then the "fights" or "aggressions"

A lot can be taught in these moments to the non-aggressor.
1) that they can still be gentle (do the right thing) when the other person is not. This is a lesson they can bring with them throughout the years.
2) that they can choose to walk away. They can learn they can be tolerant and compassionate without putting themselves in danger. they can learn to speak up for themselves.

I wouldn't cut out playdates but I would give my child options, and that would include the option to walk away or end a playdate early or decline a play date invitation. The same applies to their playdates with non-aggressive children though.

A child can be heartbroken over losing a playmate. Sometimes we have to consider which is more hurtful in the long run. I'm not saying the answer is always the same either, but as much as possible I think its best for me to let my children make this decision. I plan to do the same thing when they are teens. I trusted my babies cries. Now I trust their judgment in whether or not they want to continue play dates. One day I will trust their judgment about their friends. My mom tried to tell me who to be friends with and who to date as I got older. I just went behind her back, and the sad thing was I was never given any skills as a child to learn how *I* felt about things... its possible if I had that I might have chosen friends that are respectful to me. By my mom deciding who I could have play dates with, go to the movies with, date, etc, it told me she didnt trust my judgment. If she didn't trust me, the trust was broken, and I did not trust her. On top of that I couldn't trust myself.

Again, not saying to let your child be hit, but if there is no serious danger I would take the opportunity to nourish some life long skills that will help them
1) stand up for themselves
2) determine what their limits are
3) be compassionate

We can learn to live with the flaws of others without disrespecting ourselves then we plant a seed of tolerance. I believe that comes back to us - we are tolerant of others short comings and others are tolerant of us.

However, I feel very strongly that balance is important. I don't think blind tolerance is the answer nor do I think a sheltered life is the answer. I am somewhere in the middle.

Yes, its hard to see your child be hit. With my one aggressive child I find I get very very upset when they hit my other children - and that is my own child who is making me feel that way - at the same time, I can recognize there is an unmet need and skills that need to be built, for all the children involved. My non aggressors have learned what their limits are, when to ask for help, what they can do, how to stick up for themselves, etc. None of them have sustained serious injuries I find often hurt feelings last longer then a toy being whacked on their head, at least for my children. I know it would be worse for me to say they can't play with each other anymore then for them to occasionally get pushed or hit because I wasn't fast enough to intervene.

Also, experiencing being hurt, and seeing how I respond to them when they are sends the message that they don't deserve that treatment. It reinforces it. They know mommy and daddy don't treat them that way. They also know others are expected not to treat them that way either. Additionally, and this is where sticking through it comes in, they learn that if you want to stay in a friendship you work through differences, and they also learn what they can do in these types of circumstances, and they know they are supported in their decision to either continue play dates, put them on hold for a while, a sever the friendship altogether.

Now, if I was at a play date and a child was like, trying to stab my child or something, then yes, when its severe I may have to make a decision about it for my child's safety.
but when we are talking about TYPICAL childhood aggression, it does more harm then good to stop play dates.

While yes, you should consider what its like for the other child, you must remember this effects your child just as much. You know your child best and know what decision is best for them... but consider what you wuld do if you had a second child who was an aggressor... or if you gentle child one day becomes aggressive.
Don't think it can't happen. I hope it doesn't, that would be wonderful luck, but if it does, what would you do? would you shun one of your own children? do you think it would be better for your child to see you say "we cant accept someone trying to work through a problem"

we have been through a lot in my family I guess, and we wouldn't have a family if we stopped relationships solely because someone was going THROUGH something. Learn when to walk away and when to stick around. I think people walk away in general more often then they should.

we'll I've rambled long enough. I hope everyone can find the balance or side of the fence that works for them. Just speaking from experience having 3 children of my own, 2 siblings, 4 cousins, and running several daycares as well as volunteering in school programs, and a good deal of education in the field of child psychology. In that I have learned, there is no one right answer, but that these are opportunities that we can either miss completely, or use to benefit our children for the future.
post #48 of 51

i m so angry rite now.....my daughter is 21/5 and she has been behavng alrite,till the time her cousin who is 4 has come to stay with us in the family home.he likes to hit her,scream at her and keep snatchng every toy she takes.i have tried tellng him that it is not right,but his mom gets upset if we say anythng....i tried telling her that atleast u say something,but she wouldnt also .just now he hit her on her eye with a plastic container...she kept crying n slept,meanwhile all she said did u hit her??" dont do it beta....dats it...wat do i do? she tells me..i wont hit him coz he is stubborn and an apple of my eye.the entire family is upset coz he doesnt play with any kid...takes away anybody toys and starts screaming won't stop unless he is given what he wants....and would keep laughing while hitting my daughter....wat do i do? i work 10 to 5 and my daughter is with her grandparents.......i get to hear atleast 1 story everyday about his nuisance.....

my daughter has started questioning my attitude.the way she looks at me....and now sometimes makes the same kind of faces that he makes and tries to yell like him which tell her to stop doing......

everytime something like this happens,she gives me such a hurtful look...i cant be dere al lthe time and have tried tellng his mother but she wont listen...wat do i do?

i feel like cryng.....like dis my daughter wouldnt trust me and wont look up to me..

post #49 of 51

i really struggle with this as well because I was bullied a lot as a child both by my peers and family - I see the look in my dd's eyes when something like this happens though and it's not the look I'm expecting. She is actually ok with it and just moves away. She gets more upset when I react, I feel like me intervening really affects her confidence levels so although I still "be there" and intervene if a problem is brewing, I don't over react to her being hit/pushed etc.

 

Generally I'll firmly say to the child who offended, we don't do that, please make sure she is ok. (I don't force sorry's) I try very hard not to scold or make the other child feel bad. If another parent is there I'll just tell them and let them deal with it. My dd has learnt to stand back when bigger kids come barging through and I've noticed her grip gets tighter on objects when kids try and snatch so she is learning to stand her ground. I do feel sad when I see her moving out of the way at the playground of kids who are clearly ott in behaviour and who are not being supervised by their parents as I wonder if she is learning that mean people get their way but I think it's a fact of life that just because you are in the right doesn't mean you don't act with self preservation in mind.

post #50 of 51

I wasn't really bullied as  kid BUT I was extremely shy and easily coerced into doing things and so when I was 7 my parents signed me up for a karate class.  What I learned there was a tremendous help and big confidence booster.  It was made very clear that I was never to use my 'strength' to harm anyone, but if push came to shove I was able to defend myself and I learned that I didn't have to be afraid to voice my concern or opinion - because I knew I could stand my ground.  It still took alot of work for me to come out my shell and at almost 30 I have moments where I shy back, but had I not taken that class all those years ago, I doubt I would be the person I am today.  I currently have a 12mo DD.  I see alot of myself in her at times but thankfully her reserve is much less.  She's a bull in a china shop physically but mentally she still get's a bit frazzled over little things.  I would absolutely step in if I felt someone was harming her in any way - no one should have to feel put down, I don't care if it comes from a stranger or a family member.

post #51 of 51

Welcome Asma and Moving! Please note that this thread is a few years old so the discussion will not progress the way and active thread moves forward. You are welcome to post to revive this thread but you may get more active participation in a thread by starting a new topic. Sassy, good tip about martial arts! 

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