Please, help me not to spank

[postmom]

I spanked my daughter today and am crushed by it.

Since the birth of our 2nd daughter 3 weeks ago, nap/bedtime has been a BIG fight.

I know that this acting out is because of the new addition, so I have been taking steps to help with this transition: We spend almost all of our time playing outside, imaginative play inside, and staying very active, I dedicate a good bit of one on one time with just DD1 and I, I "un-weaned" her (she is 2.5) upon her request, I try to stick to her routine like it was before the new baby, etc.--(any other ideas are welcome).

So, nap/bedtime goes like this:

5min before I give a notice that nap time is coming up and another at 1min. I let her choose to read a book(s) or listen to music. Then we cuddle and nurse if she asks. (I try to have DD2 asleep before starting this routine; I bring DD2 in the bed with us if she wakes up).
Instead of cuddling, she begins to hit,pinch,bite, and run from me. I tell her "Ouch! hitting hurts! Be nice to mama. If you hit mom, I will have to leave the room." So she does it again. I get up and go in the other room telling her "When you are all done hitting, let me know and I can come back in."
She then gets out of the bed. I tell her to get back in and she runs. I pick her up and put her back in bed. I then ask if she is all done hitting and would like mom to lay with her again. She says yes and we start all over. We usually do this until the baby wakes up and then she starts hitting/bitting/pinching the baby.
Today was the worst--When I left the room with the baby after she hit her, she came out into the living room and pinched her face. I picked DD1 up and put her back in the bed and went back to DD2. Again, DD1 ran out and tried to hurt her sister again and again and again. She wouldnt leave her alone and wouldnt stay in the bed. I spanked her. She cried, I cried. All three of us laid down in the bed together and cuddled off to sleep.

It was like she had lost control and the spanking brought her back. How do I get this with out spanking? I NEVER thought I would do this to my children! What can I do at bedtime tonight to avoid this fight? The only thing that I can think to do is to either lock myself or DD1 in a room so that the abuse doesnt continue. (Also, what do I say to DD1 about mom hitting her? How do I make that one better.....)

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

step one would be to not fall into the trap that the spanking had helped in any way. Don't try to fool yourself with thoughts like "the spanking brought her back." what you experienced was she was a shift in what was bothering her. It was likely confusing to her because the person who hurt her was also the person she had to turn to to console her hurt.

my best advice is to skip the spanking and all 3 of you lay down in her bed in the first place.

[Emilie]

Once my second child was born I became very overwhelmed by nursing them both and was very angry with my son for constantly wanting to nurse.
I let him control everything- and in the end- was not an effective mother- as he not I was in control of our lives- ( not even mutually) and this loss of control over anything made me feel MAD.
He did not listen to me- he thought he was running the show and he was.
This has been insane to undo- literally. INSANE.
You can tell your daughter what is acceptable and what is not. You can talk sternly to her and give her choices. She can choose to get to lay with you or choose to lay alone- if she chooses to bite she will be choosing to lay alone- if she chooses to be nice she can lay with you.
I am by no means a perfect mother- but I would have been better if I had been the one in charge and not trying to cater to a 2 year olds tantrums by feeling 100% responsible for all his moods. Biting you is not ok. She needs to know it.
Emilie

[postmom]

Originally Posted by 4inMyHeart3inArms

step one would be to not fall into the trap that the spanking had helped in any way. Don't try to fool yourself with thoughts like "the spanking brought her back." what you experienced was she was a shift in what was bothering her. It was likely confusing to her because the person who hurt her was also the person she had to turn to to console her hurt.

my best advice is to skip the spanking and all 3 of you lay down in her bed in the first place.

You are absolutely correct. It didnt help. It was a shift. Thank you for pointing this out.

All 3 of us do lay down in bed, but we go through the routine of the hitting, me leaving etc.
I dont want to continue that game and I dont want to spank.

[elizawill]

aww, hugs to you mama. i began researching GD after the birth of my son. my dd was 2 1/2 when he was born, and it was a crazy adjustment for me. i remember feeling so miserable and unhappy then & i actually remember feeling like i didn't want to be around my own daughter i felt like i was yelling all of the time and was just really irritable. you are awesome to come here seeking out better ways to handle these situations.

as for what to say to dd1 about the spanking, simply apologize. children have a huge capacity for love and forgiveness. explain that you lost control and you were feeling angry and acted inappropriately. offer an apology & then ask her for forgiveness. then, move on. don't repeat it. learn from it.

as for her hitting, pinching, etc. this is just a phase. i know that doesn't help at all in this moment, but try to take comfort that this will pass. it sounds like it is a combination of her age and the new baby. as for how to handle it, i probably wouldn't get up and come back...get up..come back, etc. that may seem more like a game for her. plus, it's exhausting for you and it's probably just making you more angry as it prolongs. when you lay in bed, tell stories to occupy her. when i was in your shoes, i told my daughter stories of when she was a baby (she loved that!). i talked about the birth, taking her home for the first time, her first words, her first giggle, etc. she also needed reassurance that she was still my baby and always would be my baby. shadow puppets is also fun, reading stories, drawing on her back and asking her to guess what it is, etc. anything to occupy her mind while she settles down, ykwim? if she starts to hurt you and you feel yourself begin to boil, then get up and leave. i would rather separate myself and go scream in a pillow, as opposed to sitting there letting my anger grow to the point of yelling or spanking. i don't really have any great advice, but remember that days with children are very long, but the years are so short. try to enjoy each moment.... even the bad ones

fwiw, my dd will be 8 soon, and my ds is 5. life is lovely and i enjoy it thoroughly!! find time to rest and remember to be kind to yourself. big hugs.

[rabbitmum]

Originally Posted by elizawill

i probably wouldn't get up and come back...get up..come back, etc. that may seem more like a game for her. plus, it's exhausting for you and it's probably just making you more angry as it prolongs. when you lay in bed, tell stories to occupy her.

This is great advice. I wouldn't threaten anything or go out of the room, it sounds like this has become a game for her. Just tell her "Don't hit me, please", and if she tries to do it again, physically stop her in a friendly manner. Bedtime is not the time to get into a discussion of why she shouldn't hit, she has heard that before and is probably just doing it on impulse.

It's a phase. Anything is better than hitting her, so if everything gets out of control, just let it, let yourself cool down, and tell yourself that it doesn't matter. Her jumping out of bed and being rambunctious one day doesn't mean that she will do it every day, and will soon be forgotten, if you spank her you might remember it for the rest of your life.

If you feel like things are getting into a bad pattern, talk to her before you start putting her to bed, and say that today you hope that she can lie still in bed and listen to the story and have a nice sleep. Don't "give her ideas" by focusing on what she shouldn't do!

And you could consider: maybe she doesn't need the nap at all? Not all kids need naps until they're three. My youngest stopped napping just before he turned two!

[aterita]

You don't have to act like this, spanking is not a good reason or suggestion to problems what u face..Try to develop other tactics, periodically check which one is working best but not spanking..

[krystyn33]

Sounds like a challenging and exhausting situation. In addition to some of the suggestions here already, you might try redirecting her aggression onto a doll or other safe/acceptable object. It may be a typical phase in which she's playing games with you (the no fun for us social experiments) but she may also have some anger about the baby & need a healthy outlet for it. (She would also need assurance of your unconditional love for her, even when she's not being "good"--which might be why her behavior exacerbates with the going/coming back. Beneath the anger is probably fear, even if it's hard to read in a toddler.) It may seem like you are encouraging her to hit & bite rather than curbing her impulse, but often when negative feelings and behaviors (or the need for them, not hurting others) are accepted and the message is clear to the child that she is still lovable, then they will resolve, often more quickly than when you work so hard to apply "counter pressure."

Hope you find a way to get bedtime working better for you all.

[KristaDJ]

Originally Posted by aterita

You don't have to act like this, spanking is not a good reason or suggestion to problems what u face..Try to develop other tactics, periodically check which one is working best but not spanking..

I think that's what she's asking for help with here.

I went through this after my baby was born It will get better. Sometimes my toddler had to miss her nap, or throw a tantrum to get out her frustration before she'd come to me to nurse with the baby. But it sounds to me like your daughter's not really tired at nap time, she might just be done napping or trying to transition out of it. I've never really done scheduled naps, though, I just kind of notice they're cranky and then knock'em out with boobies

If she's not needing naps as often anymore your bedtime issues might be resolved by skipping the naps unless she really seems to need one. Mine kind of shifted from naps to sleeping for 11-12hrs a night for a while; now she sleeps about 9-10hrs and takes naps again. Childhood is full of phases.

[alexsam]

We had a period like this around this age (not because of a baby). It was terrible. What I found though, was that it really helped for him to be very tired at bedtime. I mean really sleepy. This meant skipping naps and going to bed at 6:30pm and getting outdoor play every day. And I changed the atmosphere. Instead of his room, he went to bed in mine (and I carried him to his later). It was kind of like a fresh start. I also tried having dh do bed time (or at least part) in another attempt to break the cycle. Fairly quickly, he adapted a new bedtime routine and it did not include hitting (him hitting me!) and we broke the cycle.

These don't address the underlying issue, however, and I don't know how to do that .

I also think that if it really comes down to it, it is your responsibility to protect your newborn from being injured and keeping dd1 in a safe location where she cannot hurt the baby is not the end of the world (nor is if baby is sleeping while you are going through this with dd1, you can lock those doors). In other words, if it is restraint or an injured newborn, restraint it is. Not pretty and not the first choice, but how would dd1 really feel throughout her life if she ended up truly hurting the baby?

[RoundAbout]

Have you tried doing a quiet time instead of naps. My son is also 2.5 and has trouble napping as well, even when tired. Lying down with him sometimes works, but mostly makes me frustrated. If my patience is less than perfect for the day I now just put him in his room, dim the lights, turn on his white noise machine, and close the door. He has to stay in there for 45 minutes, but he can do whatever he wants as long as its not too crazy or noisy. Mostly he plays with his cars, but at least I get a little time to myself.

Honestly, I'm actually starting to prefer the days he doesn't nap as it makes bedtime a dream - he crashes at 7 pm without a fuss. The best part is that I'm no longer angry and frustrated about nap time. The problem was really with my expectations that he take a nap at X time, and if I eliminate the expectation I eliminate the problem.