I can't stand this!

[Texasminx]

My oldest is 18. She has never dated. She didn't finish school. Has no motivation to get her GED. She does work at a local grocery store. Did I mention she has never dated?? Ok, this is what is bugging me so badly. She has a 26 y.o. that has been chasing her for a year plus. It is really bothering me because she won't tell me anything about her personal life. Yes, I know, she is an adult and doesn't have to, but why wouldn't she want to? I am so very hurt about this. I have always tried to encourage her to talk to me, but she has always, since middle school, cut me off of her private life. I remember that she was being picked on and hit in school and she refused to tell me about it. When I asked why she told me that I was embarrassing. I couldn't figure this out, but eventually she told me because I would scream at the teachers who allowed it. I am not a screamer, but I guess my temper does show through when I am protecting my children.
I am new to this dating thing since this is my oldest child. I just want to make sure that she is safe. I have told her that, but she just ignores me when I talk to her or starts crying and tells me that she doesn't want to talk about it. I found her phone the other night. There really wasn't anything in it, but I found it strange that she had the number for a cab company in there. She doesn't drive yet and her father and I drive her everywhere. Why would she need that? I have never invaded her privacy before except when I went through her room looking for her sister's clothes, which she and her younger sister have a tendency to take. That didn't go over well either. You would have thought that I was taking over a country instead of just getting something otu that didn't belong to her in the first place.
I just want to know who this person is.
I just want to know why she isn't dating/talking to someone closer to her age.
I just don't want her hurt by some player playing a kid.
I just want her to talk to me.
I just want my heart not to hurt so much knowing she isn't my baby anymore.
Any "been there done that advice?"
I really need it now

[chiromamma]

This is going to sound harsh... but I wouldn't confide either. It sounds to me like you are not respecting her emotional privacy. She doesn't want to share her private life with you and she's entitled to that.
Back off. If you give her space, hopefully, she'll feel safe enough to come to you if she needs it.
You cannot force intimacy.

[CarrieMF]

I agree with the pp. Leave her alone. So what if she doesn't want to date she's 18. When I was 17/18 most of my friends were 24-26.

I NEVER ever told my parents about my personal life, it wasn't any of their business. IF they grilled me I told them less.

If you want her to talk to you, you need to treat her like the adult she is & regain her trust.

Once my mom snooped through my binders, I trusted her less & made sure I NEVER left my personal stuff where she'd get into in. Thankfully she never snooped in my room that I knew of. She worked out of the house & left before we did & got home after I did so the only chance she had to snoop was when I was out with friends at night. After she went through my binder I didn't leave anything in my room anyhow.

[mtiger]

Seriously - this is so overstepping it's untrue. I'd suggest you find a way to curb this curiosity of yours before it drives her to move out and tdestroys your relationship.

My son's 17 and has had a fair number of girlfriends. I don't know everything about his relationships, but by not pushing, I get more info. I do know he's not sexually active, I do know the girls he dates (they're always welcome here as part of the family). I don't quiz him (or them). I keep a low and nonthreatening profile. Same with my 15yo daughter who doesn't date yet by choice. HER choice. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her. She has other priorities.

Seriously Mom - step back.

[Marsupialmom]

1...your dd has a cab company's phone number in her phone. This is a smart thing!! It is just in case. It is a lot easier to plug it in now that find the number if she would need it.

2. You are automaticly thinking the worse about this guy. I wouldn't want to tell you anything either. Just because he is older doesn't mean he is a player. Nor does it mean your dd is that dumb or naive to know what one is.

Let her grow up. Respect that she is growing up and she can handle hurt.

[Oriole]

I didn't tell my mom stuff because she was a worrier, she worries about everything, and I just want peace, I don't want to go through rounds and rounds of calming her down.

Now, DP and I met when I was seventeen, and started dating when I was 18. Did I mention that we have 11 years difference? We are now going on our 10 years of being together, and couldn't be happier. Oh, and if you look at my signature, you'll see that he has a daughter, and yes, he was married before.

I kept our relationship a secret for months, if not a year.

Anyway...

* If you want your daughter to tell you things - make time to do something fun together. Regularly. Don't ask intruding questions, learn to spend time just to spend time together, without expectation of sharing secrets. If you can't have silly fun together, you can't have discussions on serious topics.

* Realize that something like this takes long time to change. You have to be patient and willing.

* Let things go... Just because she doesn't tell you things, doesn't mean she doesn't love you.

Hang in there, it's tough to care and be in the dark. *more hugs*

P.S. I have a few random phone numbers in my phone, because I needed them once, or for a friend, and it was easier to type it up in my phone than to write it down on paper at the moment... So it means absolutely nothing! Oh... and don't snoop again

[sewchris2642]

I agree with the other posts. My 2nd dd, Erica, met her husband when she was 17 and he was 26 (give or take; I always forget the exact number). Over ten years later, they are still together and have an adorable 6 mo. IMO, your dd has frozen you out of her life because, in her eyes, you are an overprotective mom who won't let her grow up. Treat her as the adult she is. On the other hand, you do need to deal with the younger dd stealing her sister's clothes. Because that's what it is--stealing, not "borrowing". The cab # is a great idea and shows that your dd is thinking and planning ahead.

[BedHead]

Originally Posted by mtiger

Seriously - this is so overstepping it's untrue. I'd suggest you find a way to curb this curiosity of yours before it drives her to move out and tdestroys your relationship.

My son's 17 and has had a fair number of girlfriends. I don't know everything about his relationships, but by not pushing, I get more info. I do know he's not sexually active, I do know the girls he dates (they're always welcome here as part of the family). I don't quiz him (or them). I keep a low and nonthreatening profile. Same with my 15yo daughter who doesn't date yet by choice. HER choice. That doesn't mean there's anything wrong with her. She has other priorities.

Seriously Mom - step back.

Word for word - we have the same aged kids and they sound a lot alike!