How do I Start?

[hennaLisa]

My son is 13 months old and an active/spirited/high needs child. My husband and I are both teachers and have had him with a nanny this year, but will be home with him this summer. We need help because I can see that we are not setting things up in a structured way, but I can't see how to fix it. You know how you can always see what other people should do, but not what you should do? Please tell me what we should be doing!

Our mindset this year has been one of survival - meet his needs/wants/demands while managing to get enough sleep to make it through the next day. He never holds still, and is always on the move. He runs all over the house, which we have tried to baby proof as well as possible. He wants to hold everything, and screams and throws a fit if we have to take something away (such as a pen, a rock, a piece of trash, etc.) We respond by trying to distract him or picking him up and consoling him, which my sister says is reinforcing his tantrum. We're also struggling with tooth brushing - the best has been getting him to hold his tooth brush and chew on it a little, but generally it is a battle for us to do anything ourselves with the toothbrush.

We are also really struggling with naps and bedtime. For the first number of months, he nursed to sleep if I was there. Then once he became more mobile, he stopped wanting to nurse to sleep and so my husband started walking him to sleep. He's getting heavier and more stubborn, and my husband is wearing out. It sometimes takes two hours to put him to sleep. We've tried rocking him, stroller rides, and car rides, with little success. What can we do to start to transition him to falling asleep without being carried?

The more specific your suggestions, the better. I'm not so good at making theoretical suggestions into reality.

[alexsam]

First of all, at a year is a general theoretical shift. So far you have been meeting his needs and that has avoided tantrums/crying because his needs have been very clear, logical and direct (I'm hungry, tired, etc.). But at a year or so, the needs become more abstract and the responses that are right can still cause upset (I have a need for structure, experimentation, to find social limits, etc.). So, the idea is that you have to see the resulting tantrums not always as a failure to meet needs, but as a childs frustration to the more immediate boundary on the way to the final goal. Toddler finds a sharp object, wants to explore it. You take it away, explain in a few words that it is dangerous, but maybe there is something else to play with. Toddler tantrums, you sympathize. It is a hard shift because we who listen to babies cries have fought many social battles to say that this is important. Now, not that we ignore them, but they no longer mean quite the same thing. And we have to work to now see the larger need, not the immediate crying (we can still comfort, but it is different). So, you are entering a new world here with that. Distracting and consoling are not reinforcing tantrums. Imagine you're browsing in a store and find a really cool magazine. Ah! It has all kinds of things that interest you! The article titles, the pictures! You can't wait! Then someone literally rips it from your hands. Why? You don't know exactly, but they're not giving it back. Your dissapointed. Angry. Frustrated. You may yell, stomp off. Would it help to hear "Cut that out! Stop it right now or I'll take something else, lady!" or "I know you were looking at it and I'm sorry you can't have it... Lets see if there is something else to read.". "Giving in" to tantrums prolongs them and sends mixed messages. But being clear, decisive but sympathetic is totally different.

Secondly, lots of toddlers spend their days running, hitting, jumping, screaming, having melt downs, doing adorable things and just generally taking everything you have. You are not alone!

Third, what does your nanny do to get him to sleep? Maybe you can learn from her!

And lastly- no one really knows what they are doing . We all try something, it works for a while, then it doesn't, we think again and try something else. Sometimes the solutions are great and we pat ourselves on the back. Sometimes they are less than perfect and we try not to beat ourselves up over it and hope that it doesn't last long. I think one of the most important things I've learned as a mother is that it is possible for the plan to change . I was a teacher too before becoming a SAHM and part of success in the classroom is being organized, one step ahead. To have a nice, neat lesson plan, some back up materials, to know your subject, your learning objectives, and all that good stuff. And as a parent, you kind of chuck all that out the window. Overplanning parenthood only makes frustrated people and sets up artificial goals. Each day is a messy, crazy time with a toddler. The goals are long term, and they are not taught by you as much as reached developmentally. You can only hope to find the groove (by listening to his lead) and roll with it. Some structure is good, but there is no bell, so if you need to toss it, its cool. And you don't have to make him ready for the world at 2. You have 18 whole years to teach him to share, say please, not hit, read, and use the toilet . So, let these lessons come when its time and accept that it is a process that will not be complete for many, many years.

I also recommend a bit of tag-team. I have a friend who jokes "I always see just one of you with both kids! What does the other do?" we say "Vacation!" which is our code word for an hour of quiet to regroup. If you are both home, try not to do everything together, try to tag-team some. It will let everyone find their own relationships and prevents burn-out.