I need some ideas please

[Isamama]

Hopefully this is the correct forum for this. I have two questions, but first here is a little background:

There has been much tension in our household for the last few months and dd has been sensing something is up and has acted out (for lack of a better term). My dd and I have some friends that we hang out with who we have known since just before dd turned one, so she feels pretty close to them. When my dd gets upset she says things like, "Stupid" and "Go away." In the past she has only said these things to us (me and dh), however, she started to say things like this to them.

She told the mom something like, "You're a stupid girl!" I can't remember what she was upset about (basically, almost everything was upsetting her, e.g., saying hello). The other mother said, "I am not a stupid girl and I don't like you saying that." I scooped up my dd and held her and gently said something to the effect that she couldn't say things like that to our friend. I was quite shocked and can't quite remember what else was said, but I went up to my friend (she had walked away) and apologized.

My dd calmed down and played for a while, but then started to say, "No, ____, go away" to my friend's ds--she did this a few times, playing quietly for a while in between outbursts. I explained to the mom that we were going through some things at home and I apologized again. And I spoke with dd each time. Well, the last time my dd said, "No _____" my friend got really upset.

In fact, she was pretty ticked off. She said something to me angrily and I apologized again but she wasn't receptive of the apology. I finally went up to her to explain what exactly was going on at home. She instantly changed and started hugging me.

OK, so I reflected on the situation and came up with, perhaps I should have taken her out of the park earlier (we were at a park where both kids have plenty of room to roam and do other things--and they rarely play together b/c the other dc stays very close to his mom only). I decided to really monitor future play dates and try to gently leave when I noticed dd starting to get upset. We have seen each other a couple of times since and I do this: I make sure she has eaten and we leave when she starts to get tired.

Do any of you have any other ideas of what I can do? Also, I noticed that I am so worried about upsetting friend and her ds that I get very anxious when dd starts to "go there". Then I find myself getting very angry at my dd. I know that I am truly angry at the situation with my friend not so much with my dd. Now I avoid going out with them altogether. Part of me wants to talk with my friend about this, but to be honest I am afraid. When she gets angry, it scares me. I truly understand being upset when another child is figuratively (not literally) pushing away your own child, but I was hoping for some understanding with a general explanation about what is going on instead of having to reveal all of the intimate details.

I would appreciate any thoughts you might have on parenting with my dd and/or with dealing with my friend about this situation. I appreciate your time!

[Isamama]

Anyone? Thanks in advance!

[VikingKvinna]

It sounds as though you left the situation having resolved things, at least somewhat, with your friend, though?

I think leaving at the first signs of trouble (and explaining to your DD beforehand that those will be the consequences for pushing etc.) is probably the best approach. But it also seems that you need to address the underlying problem here too, ie., reduce the tension in your house. IK that's a LOT easier said than done, but it occurs to me that perhaps your focus/anger are misdirected. Why worry about upsetting your friend? If she is a true friend, and you can explain a little about the situation (no need to go into details) she will understand and help come up with solutions for the playdate problems. If she gets that upset and doesn't understand or accept your apologies, maybe it's time to move on, kwim? And you know already that you shouldn't be angry w/your DD, who is only behaving this way as an attempt to try to deal with the situation the only way she knows how.

In terms of the interaction with your friend, I think you've done everything you can...you apologized, explained, etc. Next time (if there is one) remind her that you've been having some issues with behavior and tell her upfront that you're going to try to leave if trouble is brewing. And do what you can in the meantime to help your DD understand or minimize the effect the tension is having on her.

Mama. HTH, and take care...

[Isamama]

Thanks for your response. Just to be clear, my daughter was not physical with her ds, she was pushing him away with her words.

As for the tension in the house--my dh and I have just recently separated, so that has changed the dynamic considerably. Even though I think we (dh and I) have handled it really well, it is still difficult and painful for everyone.

I guess (I am discovering more about how I feel as I write) what upsets me is that she got angry at all. And this woman gets scary when angry. She has had a difficult upbringing (that I can relate to) and has gotten on the vicious side on occasion when she perceives she is protecting her son. I have witnessed some over the top reactions to other kids doing pretty normal kids stuff. And have seen her talk with an adult that way as well.

I have really enjoyed her company as she is funny and sweet most of the time and until this I had great affection for her. She was one of the first friends I made coming out of my post partum depression and I do care about her. I am just not sure what the right thing to do is, or maybe I do and I don't want to face it.

I know it is my problem that I let this strain my parenting relationship with my dd. So I guess either I need to deal with the situation or let the friendship go. I just don't know how or what to say to her.

[VikingKvinna]

Oh, I'm sorry - I misread your OP and thought your DD was literally physically pushing. Gosh, that does change things somewhat...I mean, your friend shouldn't get "scary angry" over a child saying "go away" even repeatedly, IMO. Pushing or hitting, maybe would be more understandable. I think your description of it as 'over the top' sounds right on target.

She needs to understand that you and your DD both are goign through something HUGE and stressful, especially for the little one. Maybe it would be possible to put the relationship on a back burner for a while? Tell her that you're doing it for your DD's sake (and for her DC's, so that there are no more troublesome playdates) but just back off for a bit?

Sorry you're going through this Mama. Take care...

[momma_unlimited]

To give some perspective... my friend's son threw a rock at my son and he ended up needing stitches... I never got angry at her or her son. I took repsonsibility for the fact that we should not have left them unsupervised in the back yard and we still get together regularly, keeping a very close eye on them. So verbal "pushing"? Not a reason to lose your temper, IMHO.

Only you know what to do; but I agree with PP about putting it on the back burner. Sounds like you need SUPPORTIVE relationships right now, and when you are finding your rhythm in life a little more you can revisit ones that are more challenging...?

[JonahRoo]

what i have found in life is that friendships ebb and flow as do our own lives. Since your circumstances have changed so much in your personal life, it is important to surround yourself with supportive people. This means, people who don't take your energy or expect more of your energy than you already have right now. You may want to discern if she will be a "good fit" for what you are needing in your life at this time.

hang in there. By staying in tune to your dd and checking in with her and adjusting to what her needs are in this situation, you are doing a wonderful job as a parent.

[Isamama]

I am going to have to tell her that we need to back off hanging out for now b/c this is too stressful for me and therefore my parenting relationship. I am in no place to have a serious conversation with her right now, but I am going to be honest and say something to the effect that it stresses me out too much to worry about my dd upsetting her or her ds. Although, I have to say, the more I think about it, the more I think it really isn't my dd's problem it is hers.

Thanks again everyone!

[seamama11]

I thought you handled it perfectly, and honestly I think your friend's reaction would have made me stop and think. Words are words, and I think it is good that your daughter was using her words and not hitting or pushing (like my son
I get nervous when going to see other moms who are stricter than me about certain things, or moms that react in ways I don't totally understand. So I understand you feeling that way.
When I see my son getting flustered I try to head home because it usually means he is tired or hungry or needs some one on one attention.
Good luck.