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What should a mother do when her husband spanks their infant? - Page 4

post #61 of 90

re

I'm sorry but, that would be a hill for me to die on. Hitting a 1 month old!?
I would be outta there as soon as it happened no questions asked .... and I would file a report.
I've been hit before and allowed it to continue (NOT by DH).....but I will be d***ed if I allow someone to hit my INFANT.
post #62 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by claddaghmom View Post
GAL purposes are to document change through psychotherapy...not to replace my watchful eye. I would want tangible, evident change before reconciliation and unsupervised time.


I'm so sorry, the way I read gal, reading qiuckly...was as a "lady"...you know "some gal from the neighborhood!" - I didn't read it as GAL as in Gaurdian Ad Litum!!! That's what I get for reading fast....I agree with you! Lady from down the block...NO, GAL...YES! Sorry love!
post #63 of 90
I agree that the baby should not be left alone with the dad at this point. I would be worried about leaving him with the baby because I'd be scared to death that he would shake the baby at some point if the baby kept crying.

I'm not sure that OP should jump right to leaving the guy. He needs help. If he's willing to get help, maybe this situation could be resolved. It sounds like he needs some therapy and maybe some anti anxiety meds to me. True, it isn't a normal instinct to hit a newborn, but something needs to be done to figure out WHY he has this instinct/urge instead of the normal ones. If he's sorry that he's doing it, it sounds like he needs help. He should get that help, even if OP decides she needs to leave him.
post #64 of 90
This is going to kill me to write this, but I don't feel like I have much choice.

I am one of those people who have an impulse to hit. I was spanked over every tiny little thing, I've got one sibling, 3 years younger, and I used to hit him to get my way, so it's deeply ingrained.

I also had severe PPD, and when my zoloft was still kicking in, I came extremely close to shaking my son, luckily I stopped (last second, but still before any damage could happen), put him down next to my husband and demanded he take over (he was asleep) and left the room until the crying restarted my mommy hormones, and I was absolutely certain that I did not want to harm him, only feed him. (cosleeping, middle of the night, he got frustrated because he couldn't find the nipple to latch, and would root while I was trying to get it in his mouth, so it was a cycle of frustration)

I do have myself under control, and I am extremely anti-spank. Anyone hits my child, that will be the last time they see them. But it's hard when you feel like you're the one most likely to do it.

One thing that helps me is to visualize a deflecting shield around DS, and tell myself to hit something else. I hit myself in the upper thigh alot, since I can't get a good swing that way, and can't cause myself any real damage. Kinda like a self-spank, just enough pain to remind me not to subject him to it. Also making a fist as hard as I can, causes my hand a tiny bit of pain, and again, reminds me this is not something I want to inflict on my child.

Unfortunately DS picked up hitting from another child I was watching (that stopped when an older sibling of that child took a swing at my pregnant stomach with a metal pipe) so now he gets frustrated and wants to hit. Luckily he understands that hitting makes hurties (he feels terrible afterward) and we are working on 'hit the pillow, hit the couch, people and pets are not for hitting.' It's working, slowly.

So if it is an impulse thing, it can be controlled. But he's got to want to control it, and he's got to be dead-set against causing his child pain before he can be trusted to follow through with it.
post #65 of 90
OP, I'm so sorry you are dealing with this. I hope you can find the strength to do what you need to do and that your dh can get help

And

Quote:
Originally Posted by IceyTheBatmom View Post
This is going to kill me to write this, but I don't feel like I have much choice.

I am one of those people who have an impulse to hit. I was spanked over every tiny little thing, I've got one sibling, 3 years younger, and I used to hit him to get my way, so it's deeply ingrained.

I also had severe PPD, and when my zoloft was still kicking in, I came extremely close to shaking my son, luckily I stopped (last second, but still before any damage could happen), put him down next to my husband and demanded he take over (he was asleep) and left the room until the crying restarted my mommy hormones, and I was absolutely certain that I did not want to harm him, only feed him. (cosleeping, middle of the night, he got frustrated because he couldn't find the nipple to latch, and would root while I was trying to get it in his mouth, so it was a cycle of frustration)

I do have myself under control, and I am extremely anti-spank. Anyone hits my child, that will be the last time they see them. But it's hard when you feel like you're the one most likely to do it.

One thing that helps me is to visualize a deflecting shield around DS, and tell myself to hit something else. I hit myself in the upper thigh alot, since I can't get a good swing that way, and can't cause myself any real damage. Kinda like a self-spank, just enough pain to remind me not to subject him to it. Also making a fist as hard as I can, causes my hand a tiny bit of pain, and again, reminds me this is not something I want to inflict on my child.

Unfortunately DS picked up hitting from another child I was watching (that stopped when an older sibling of that child took a swing at my pregnant stomach with a metal pipe) so now he gets frustrated and wants to hit. Luckily he understands that hitting makes hurties (he feels terrible afterward) and we are working on 'hit the pillow, hit the couch, people and pets are not for hitting.' It's working, slowly.

So if it is an impulse thing, it can be controlled. But he's got to want to control it, and he's got to be dead-set against causing his child pain before he can be trusted to follow through with it.
You are very brave to admit this and you're a wonderful mother for protecting your son
post #66 of 90
Oh, I have been there too. You aren't alone. When my son had colic and screaming non-stop when I was alone with PPD, you bet I had the urge. But you know what? I put him in the crib and took a shower whenever that happened. I never touched him. It is controllable. I never had that urge after the colic and PPD stopped, and never with my second. So it may not be a "forever" thing. What is troubling is that he can't control it. He needs to learn how to do that, and until he does, he cannot be left alone with the babe.

It isn't uncommon for over-stressed PPD sufferers with a difficult child to get to that moment. It is uncommon for anyone to act on it (well, not uncommon enough sadly).
post #67 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
I'm not anti-spanking, but spanking a newborn?? That added to the fact that he is telling you he can't control himself would set off huge alarm bells. If he can't resist spanking an infant, what is to say he'll be able to resist shaking it if he really loses it.

I wouldn't want the baby alone with him until the issue was fully dealt with and resolved and I was 100% sure my child was safe in his care.


: for your family
post #68 of 90
OP--Are you out there? We are thinking of you...
post #69 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by BoringTales View Post
I'm not anti-spanking, but spanking a newborn?? That added to the fact that he is telling you he can't control himself would set off huge alarm bells. If he can't resist spanking an infant, what is to say he'll be able to resist shaking it if he really loses it.
This. Hitting an infant is scary stuff, and the "I can't help it" bit is even scarier in some ways.
post #70 of 90
I don't get why so many people are saying that he sees nothing wrong with it. The OP said:

Quote:
Originally Posted by odester View Post
hHe spoke to me later and said that when he spanks Camille he feels bad about it. He does not mean to do it, it is instinctive. He told me that he is trying not to do it, but cannot seem to control it.
He obviously does see something wrong with it. A belief that he has the right to spank isn't the issue here. The issue is something else...his lack of self-control around a crying baby would seem to be it. In some ways, that's scarier, but it's a different problem than seeing nothing wrong with spanking a baby. The problem can't be addressed if it's not properly identified.
post #71 of 90
This is a hill to die on for me. I would call the cops/cps whomever before I EVER allowed this to happen again. If this man does more damage to this poor defenseless BABY the OP could be held just as accountable b/c she knew about it and did nothing. Hill.to.die.on.!
post #72 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
I don't get why so many people are saying that he sees nothing wrong with it. The OP said:



He obviously does see something wrong with it. A belief that he has the right to spank isn't the issue here. The issue is something else...his lack of self-control around a crying baby would seem to be it. In some ways, that's scarier, but it's a different problem than seeing nothing wrong with spanking a baby. The problem can't be addressed if it's not properly identified.

I agree with you Storm...if the problem was his seeing nothing wrong with it....I, personally, would have a hard time finding a good reason to continue that marriage...but then, the issue of whether or not you agree with hitting kids, SHOULD come before you get married...so I couldn't imagine finding myself there anyway.

This man doesn't WANT to hit his infant...he obviously has no idea how to soothe her, probably feels HORRIBLE about it and useless, frustration builds and builds and in all of 30 seconds he's lashed out and hit her bottom. It sucks...but it's a far cry better than "Yeah I hit her and I don't see a problem with that"- you know?
post #73 of 90
Have you sat down and talked with him about what kinds of discipline you're ok with?
post #74 of 90
I haven't read all the responses. For a child this young, I would treat it the same way as if you found out he was letting the child go hungry--not feeding it for long periods of time.

It's completely unacceptable, and it endangers your child. I'd make sure that your child was safe first, and after that, try and get to the bottom of what's going on with your DH.

your dh sounds like a nice guy, and I also understand the urge to hit-- children can be frustrating, and bring out the worst in poeple sometimes. They can't communicate with you, they just don't listen, and sometimes you can't walk away. I'd try and make sure that you aren't leaving your kid in these kind of situations with your husband until he gets this under controll.
post #75 of 90
post #76 of 90
Sorry if this is a repeat but I think it is important to say. If your dh continues to hit the baby, and leaves a mark, someone else may call CPS then you will BOTH lose your child, not just him. CPS will take the baby because you knew the abuse was happening and chose not to do anything about it. I understand having a difficult infant and the urge to hit. I come from a family where my mom had no problems slapping me across the face with a hand full of rings for any little thing. It is a deeply ingrained reaction in me that I try my very hardest to control. My oldest dd was/is high needs and I had thoughts of throwing her across the room. I never did anything to her though, I understood that that was totally wrong and channeled my anger elsewhere, usually a pillow. I remind myself how it felt as a child to have the person you love the most cause you pain-I keep that feeling at the front of my mind when I feel myself starting to lose control. Having that high needs baby and facing my past is what drove me to attachment parenting-I knew I could not do to my kids what my mom did to me. Your dh needs to find the root of his problem and deal with it, or you need to leave him. Do not let your baby daughter suffer at the hands of one of the people she should trust the most.
post #77 of 90
I am so sorry that you are going through this.

I haven't read the other replies yet so I'm probably echoing what others have said but if your dh finds an infant so challenging that he cannot stop himself from spanking her, what will he do when she's 2 and screaming blue murder because you buttered her toast wrong or when she's five and she refuses to get ready for school!

If he was my husband i would let him know that unless he shows a massive effort to change (parenting class for eg) he would have to leave. And I would take over 100% of the childcare, I would let him know why he was not allowed to be alone with her.

I'm sorry but even parents who think it's ok to spank would not do this to a NEWBORN baby.

It must be hard for you to be in this situation but you HAVE to stick up for your dd

Good luck

kirsty x
post #78 of 90
Quote:
Originally Posted by Kirstyandgirls View Post
...if your dh finds an infant so challenging that he cannot stop himself from spanking her, what will he do when she's 2 and screaming blue murder because you buttered her toast wrong or when she's five and she refuses to get ready for school!
Seriously? I think the OP's dh has a serious problem, but I don't follow this train of thought at all. I find dealing with crying babies who won't stop to be about 100X more frustrating than either of the scenarios above...and I speak as someone who had a son who wouldn't get ready for school, when I had to get him there and catch my bus to work, pretty much every morning for a full year. It was extremely frustrating...but not in the same gut level way that a baby who won't stop crying is.

I think that the OP's dh needs to learn to step away before anything else. Sometimes, the best thing to do is put the baby down and just walk away to calm down. It doesn't sound like he has that in his wiring (and I've known people who would hit a baby before they'd do that, because walking away felt neglectful, or they were afraid of some nebulous "worse thing" happening to them). He needs that, as a protective step, immediately. Then, he can start working on finding better ways to cope.
post #79 of 90
If anyone (including my DH) ever hit my infant that person would be out of my house within seconds.
I would kick him out in an instant to keep my child safe and away from abuse, and I would change the locks that very same day. (If it's his house or something I would take the babe and leave, to a safe place he didn't know about.)
Then I would get him help, but I wouldn't stay with him and wait for him to do something about it. I would first keep him away from my child, and then help him get help. But I could never forgive something like that, so it would absolutely be a deal breaker for me. But I know someone could probably forgive and live with it if their DH got serious help.
But please, do not leave your child alone with him, not even for a second, take her to the bathroom with you even.
Whatever you do, keep her safe, and away from abuse. Please get him help if you do not want to leave him, he really needs it. And stay safe.
post #80 of 90
Where I live there is a legal obligation to report this sort of thing to child welfare authorities. I'm really worried about this baby. I do feel sorry for the father. I understand the strong emotions elicited by a crying infant. However, it sounds as though this child is at risk.
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