Please help! Over the weekend DP said to me that he is ready to try spanking our DS, who is almost 6 and with whom we've been having a lot of trouble lately. I am opposed to this -- adamantly opposed, as in I will leave DP before I let him spank -- and he did agree that we need to try some other things. We just are nearly at a loss as to what to try, though.
The situation (as brief as I can make it): DS is very smart, can be very sweet, but has a terrible time with anger and impulse control. He lashes out both at us -- screaming, shouting, grunting, kicking and hitting -- and at himself -- hitting himself in the head, mainly, when he is thwarted or angry.
We have explained over and over that hitting anyone, even himself, is not OK. We have tried all kind of consequences (taking away his door when he slams it, taking away favorite toys etc.) and we have tried modeling and offering different solutions to managing his anger. We have taught him or tried to teach him how to take deep breaths and work very hard on helping him to calm himself down. We've talked to him about anger in general and his anger specifically, and we spend lots of QT with him. We have tried everything we can think of to get him to talk, and he has made some progress over time in telling us how he feels.
But when he gets riled up -- and he goes from 0 to 60 in a few seconds, over seemingly insignifcant things -- he gets so out of control that it scares me. We often have to resort to physical restraint/sitting with one of us in a chair or on his bed until he calms down. Sometimes that takes very little time, sometimes a long time. In those moments when he is angry -- I'd even go so far as to call it "enraged" b/c it is like a blind rage -- there's no way he could stop to take a deep breath or do some other anger management technique. It's so intense that it really frightens us. And it seems like nothing we do really works.
He is very sensitive to sugars and dyes, so we have all but eliminated those from our diet. He's picky but he basically eats OK - carb-heavy, but plenty of protein and fiber too. We are afraid he is not challenged at school and have just resolved that (getting him into an accelerated bilingual program at school next year), or so we hope. The other element is that I have recently begun WOH f/t, but this problem predates that and doesn't seem too much worse since then. He gets plenty of exercise/fresh air, and we limit his screen time, typically to 1 hr a day, sometimes 2. We are considering getting him into aikido or another form of martial arts. We are pretty opposed to medication unless it's absolutely necessary. He gets a good amount of sleep, in bed and asleep usually by 7-8pm and up in the AM at 6-7. I think that's all I can think of that might be relevant.
Any ideas? Can anyone help break us out of this rut of punishing through consequences that is not working, and help him learn how to deal with his emotions and/or express them a little better?
TIA. Any support or advice would be welcome.
ETA: I'm wondering at this point if it could be something chemical/physical. It just feels like we've worked sooo hard and none of our attempts have paid off, or if they have, we've made only a tiny bit of progress. I just don't know if this is "typical" kid behavior or if he should have a screening or evaluation of some kind. From all reports he is fine at school - the occasional skirmish but the teachers and staff have told us repeatedly that he is kind and helpful to the other children and just a joy to be around. So that's good...
The situation (as brief as I can make it): DS is very smart, can be very sweet, but has a terrible time with anger and impulse control. He lashes out both at us -- screaming, shouting, grunting, kicking and hitting -- and at himself -- hitting himself in the head, mainly, when he is thwarted or angry.
We have explained over and over that hitting anyone, even himself, is not OK. We have tried all kind of consequences (taking away his door when he slams it, taking away favorite toys etc.) and we have tried modeling and offering different solutions to managing his anger. We have taught him or tried to teach him how to take deep breaths and work very hard on helping him to calm himself down. We've talked to him about anger in general and his anger specifically, and we spend lots of QT with him. We have tried everything we can think of to get him to talk, and he has made some progress over time in telling us how he feels.
But when he gets riled up -- and he goes from 0 to 60 in a few seconds, over seemingly insignifcant things -- he gets so out of control that it scares me. We often have to resort to physical restraint/sitting with one of us in a chair or on his bed until he calms down. Sometimes that takes very little time, sometimes a long time. In those moments when he is angry -- I'd even go so far as to call it "enraged" b/c it is like a blind rage -- there's no way he could stop to take a deep breath or do some other anger management technique. It's so intense that it really frightens us. And it seems like nothing we do really works.
He is very sensitive to sugars and dyes, so we have all but eliminated those from our diet. He's picky but he basically eats OK - carb-heavy, but plenty of protein and fiber too. We are afraid he is not challenged at school and have just resolved that (getting him into an accelerated bilingual program at school next year), or so we hope. The other element is that I have recently begun WOH f/t, but this problem predates that and doesn't seem too much worse since then. He gets plenty of exercise/fresh air, and we limit his screen time, typically to 1 hr a day, sometimes 2. We are considering getting him into aikido or another form of martial arts. We are pretty opposed to medication unless it's absolutely necessary. He gets a good amount of sleep, in bed and asleep usually by 7-8pm and up in the AM at 6-7. I think that's all I can think of that might be relevant.
Any ideas? Can anyone help break us out of this rut of punishing through consequences that is not working, and help him learn how to deal with his emotions and/or express them a little better?
TIA. Any support or advice would be welcome.
ETA: I'm wondering at this point if it could be something chemical/physical. It just feels like we've worked sooo hard and none of our attempts have paid off, or if they have, we've made only a tiny bit of progress. I just don't know if this is "typical" kid behavior or if he should have a screening or evaluation of some kind. From all reports he is fine at school - the occasional skirmish but the teachers and staff have told us repeatedly that he is kind and helpful to the other children and just a joy to be around. So that's good...
