No Familial Support?

[BMG580]

I am very drawn to homeschooling for many reasons. I want my children to really love learning for the sake of learning, not be forced to learn prescribed things on a set time table which has no bearing on their own interests or strengths. I sincerely believe that there are much better ways to educate people than by sticking them in a classroom with many people who are only grouped because of age, not because of ability or skills.

My issue is that I have a sister and a mother, both of whom are very dedicated teachers, both of whom believe very deeply in public education. My mother actually has her PhD and is now a college professor teaching future teachers (she taught elementary school and worked in various county lead positions throughout her 30 year public school career prior to becoming a college professor). I've asked them a few questions here or there but it is obvious that they both think I am naive and that I do not have the necessary skills required to help my children become well educated. For instance, my mother has mentioned to me several times that I am not equipped to help my DD learn to read. Now, I belong to a very loving family, they are not trying to be unkind, they are genuinely believe in school, public or private.

Has anyone dealt with this sort of resistance?

[SoCaliMommy]

I'd suggest reading these two books
"Dumbing Us Down" by John Taylor Gatto
reviews about the book He was a public school teacher
and Family Matters: Why Homeschooling Makes Sense


My mom isn't very supportive and thinks my daughter should stay in public school, she's been struggling through K and will probably go into a summer school program they suggested. Her penmenship was marked " below grade level standard".

Thankfully my husband seems supportive his concern is that he's not too sure about it because he never knew anyone that was homeschooled.

[kewb]

My dh's family is not supportive at all. They view this as some crazy thing we tried out this year and we will come to our senses and day now and re-enroll them in school. 2 of my sister in laws are also teachers. One thinks we are insulting all teachers and mocking the teaching profession by choosing to remove our children from the system. The other does not agree with our choice (and she does not think we are insulting all teachers) but will not discuss it with us unless we ask her opinion -and we don't.

What I have found to be the best way to deal with them is this: "Thank you for letting me know your concerns. Please pass the bean dip." I absolutely refuse to discuss it with them. We are the parents and know what is best for our 2 children. We have done the research and I do not need to waste my time justifying my decision to them.

[briansmama]

That sounds so tough! I would have a hard time if my parents were not supportive.

However, it woldn't stop me one bit! As for your professor mom, I actually know a family who homeschools and the father is a professor. Maybe try to seek some other professors out who homeschool (or read about them) and find out why they choose to homeschool and bring it up to your mom?

Sh may be able to relate better when she finds out that even those in the academic world see a value in homeschooling.

Also, my sister taught for a few years before becoming a stay-at-home mom and she glorifies this every chance she gets. It's her "identity". One day she mentioned that she would have no idea what how to implement the teaching methods she's learned if she hadn't actually spent time in the classroom and I was fuming.

So, I asked her in a very straight-forward manner what she knows about highly regarded educatonal methods like Charlotte Mason, living-books approach, Classical Education, John Holt, Waldorf, etc. Needless to say, she didn't know much. I kept persisting and mentioning the wonderful aspects of each of these methods and the wonderful alternatives to standards-based, state curriculum. I also found a way to sneak in the comment "I always worry about people who consider teachers the gatekeepers to learning. I've learned more the longer that I've been out of college than I ever learned in college."

It worked! She doesn't make any comments to me like that anymore.

HTH!

[Callimom]

Well I personally wouldn't worry about their support - but that's just me.

If you feel the need to discuss it, why not talk about the benefits of homeschooling in their language. Tell them you found a school that provides the following:

~ low student : teacher ratio
~ small multi-aged classroom
~ individualized instruction plan with limited testing
~ multi-strand, integrated hands on learning
~ community based experiences
~ large amounts of outdoor excercise and healthy foods
~ deeply committed parents and community.

Talk about how it is Reggio inspired with emergent curriculum, which integrates some of the philosophies of Montessori (or Waldorf or classical - whatever your style), with a focus on maintaining the love of learning.

A teacher or professor who is committed to public school probably knows plenty about making education work for a large group of students in an institutional setting so that kids can achieve an standardized education. That doesn't mean they have the corner on understanding how learning happens for an individual child in an organic setting where that child's learning styles, interests and needs can take priority.

Good luck.

[Peacemon]

My support system is bare. I had to come to terms that this is MY family and I didn't have to prove myself to anyone but myself and my dh. If I waited around to get 2 thumbs up from my extended family, I'd waste my time.

I have to do what I think is right by my own family! Luckily I have found great HS groups locally.

[Reebekah]

i will be homeschooling in the fall.....starting with preschool, but i plan to continue with all 3 of my kids thru highschool. none of our families or friends are supportive (nor do any of them know anything about homeschooling.) it came up at my son's b-day party and someone said "that is only something that religious fanatics do.....and the amish". ugh. anyway, i think of it this way....MY kids and i'll do it MY way with them. i'm building support elsewhere......in the form of online and local homeschoolers who DO know what they are talking about and what is involved with homeschooling. i know A LOT of homeschooled children who have been taught to read........if they did it, why wouldnt you be able to? there are SO many resources out there.....its not like you are all alone. good luck.

[BMG580]

I'm not "waiting to get a thumb's up from my family". I love my mother and sister and I respect them a lot and I know this is going to be a point of contention. That doesn't mean I won't make the right choices for my children and family, I was just wondering if anyone else was in a similar situation and how it was handled and how it eventually worked out.

Thanks for everyone for the replies.

[dawningmama]

I've actually gotten a ton of support from teachers, and from family members I expected to be rather difficult. And my most popular approach to nay-sayers who are close to us is to invite them to help out, suggest reading materials and/or email with the kids about topics that interest them. Maybe your mom and sis would like to help, take a subject each and try some of the more interesting and innovative teaching methods they don't have time/permission to use in class.

[Roar]

One thing that helped us in the first couple of years was emphasizing that we were participating in a homeschool co-op. That seemed kind of schoolish and put to rest the concern that we were going to be hermits or something.

[Katwoman]

My MIL is fairly frantic that we're hsing. It was annoying for a while. Then I realized that it was all her problem/issues and not mine. So for a while I reminded myself that she meant well. Now I just smiled and nod.

I think it was so hard in the beginning because we researched this/talked about it/make a careful thoughtful decision and nobody was interested in that, they just "knew" we couldn't do it. Very irritating.

But I've been working on surrounding ourselves with other hsing families and I've actually had people come up to me and say "you're hs DD1, how cool!". That is a really great experience to have.

So to answer your question more succinctly, when we first decided to hs it was a bit lonely and made me feel like the "odd duck" in life. But as time has gone on - and we haven't even actually started a curriculum yet - it's been a wonderful experience. Meeting like minded people, seeing the kids get excited about being part of choosing what they'll be doing, feeling more confident and more like a fully engaged parent as we make these hard decision for our kids. (And I thought being a public bf was going to be the hardest line I was going to have to draw. )

I think it just feels so "weird" when people you've had so much in common with you're whole life all of a sudden are a different path than you. Not wrong, just weird and takes some time getting used to.

[umbrella]

I told the naysayers to butt out.

It's a shame that some feel they must put down other forms of eduction in order to support one of them

[Reebekah]

i think the key in your situation is to educate them about homeschooling......once you pick a curriculum, let them see it so they know you have a "plan". maybe if they actually see some of the awesome resources that you will be using, it will put them at ease.

[geekmoma]

From a lurker:

The lack of family support, or rather, the strong possibility of family resistance, is one major reason that would stop me to consider homeschooling. Both my parents and in-laws worked at schools, and we have probably 3 aunts and uncles that are teachers. I know for sure that both mine and my DH's family would try their best to convince me the opposite, with good intention, of course. In both DH's and my culture, the parents are very "hands-on" with children's life, and they rarely agree to disagree. I'm already discouraged just imagining the heated debate I would have to justify how I would raise my children.

Sometimes it's just so sad that the social and cultural structure that makes our identify is at the same time restraining our ability to think and act as individuals.

But my children are not school-age yet. So I can still afford to hope for a miracle

Thanks for the advice! It gave me a lot of fruits for thought.

(back to lurkdom)

[Raene]

My parents think "homeschool" is a dirty word. It's hush hush and they do NOT mention it. I think they pretend in their heads that really the kids are going to public school. Ugh.

Why are people so close-minded?

I am reading an awesome book that someone else recommended to me -- "Hold on To Your Kids". I'd been wanting to get the book for a while but the title is misleading. I was afraid to get it and have DH comment that it's another AP book about literally holding your kids and not letting them explore and become independent. I'm only on the second chapter but already several times I've found myself nodding in agreement...it's so right on about this generation of kids and why they are so different from the other generations...how parenting is harder than ever now. It's SO right on for our family.

[Leta]

IDK if this will make you feel empowered or not, but last Memorial Day, I was a big family get together. My cousin's wife said something that has really stuck with me.

Her daughter wanted to go out on the water with one of our uncles and several cousins, all of whom are much older. This child can't swim- at least she couldn't at the time. Her mom couldn't go, and regretfully told the daughter, no, but that in the evening we'd all go swimming.

"But XYZ are all going!," the daughter protested.

"I know, honey, but they aren't my responsibility. You are."

Two of my uncles started in on my cousin's wife- disappointing your daughter, overprotective, blah blah blah.

My cousin's wife, with much aplomb, shrugged and said rather mildly, "I don't parent by committee."

And that was that.

FWIW, I would have let my kid go. But I absolutely admire my cousin's wife's ability to stick to her guns, not let other, older, "wiser" people get to her, and remain confident in her parenting ability.

You can't expect your family to agree with you, but you can expect them to respect your decisions.

[umbrella]

Fwiw, the person who ended up being the most vocal naysayer, I started out doing things like showing her our normal routine, explaining all the research I'd done, and our general philosophy and how we came to that place, showing her the materials we used, and even the stuff for the years ahead with that same company. This person also knows how much I value education in general, and of course knows that I care tremendously about the well-being of my kids.

When I was doing all of my showing and talking and explaining, she politely nodded and hmmmed.

And then later, when she had time to think on it all, she just didn't like our particular methods. They weren't exactly the same as what her teacher friend does, and her teacher friend is a smart lady and has been a teacher for decades. And now that this person had volunteered in the friend's classroom, she was an expert on education, and we're doing it all wrong.

So there was a blow-up discussion. And then after that big blow-up, I told her that we would simply not discuss homeschooling again. It's just an off-limits topic, if we're to have a relationship otherwise. And we haven't talked about it again. To be fair, we don't talk as much as we used to anyway, but I think a lot of different things are factors there.

I was especially offended to have the blow-up after I made all of that effort to reassure her, when I didn't think it was her business anyway. I wasn't trying to get her approval, just reassure her on something she's not familiar with. And she took that kindness on my part, as liberty to judge.

[KissyStarfish]

Really with homeschooling (or unschooling) once you have chosen that path you stick to it. Regardless of how much or how little familial support you receive. It was a hot button topic in our family for the first year or so, but I answered all questions, asked those that could to contribute. Several promised but never delivered. Then around age five C. was doing double digit addition and subtraction and reading novels at six. All of the family naysayers shut up. They still think our kids are over parented but they also delight in being around our kids. All kids have great potential and at least for some homeschooling helps coax that out.
Also a choice for homeschooling does not mean that child can never be part of the public education system. Sometimes kids get the urge to see what else is out there to explore and this could mean a brief or long term foray into other forms of education. I think one of the best gifts that children get from home education is that they learn to love learning.

[lara1828]

Originally Posted by briansmama

So, I asked her in a very straight-forward manner what she knows about highly regarded educatonal methods like Charlotte Mason, living-books approach, Classical Education, John Holt, Waldorf, etc. Needless to say, she didn't know much. I kept persisting and mentioning the wonderful aspects of each of these methods and the wonderful alternatives to standards-based, state curriculum. I also found a way to sneak in the comment "I always worry about people who consider teachers the gatekeepers to learning. I've learned more the longer that I've been out of college than I ever learned in college."

It worked! She doesn't make any comments to me like that anymore.

HTH!

You are my new hero!

[eunytuny]

If only...

If the worst opposition I had was my mother, I'd be happy, but my husband is the biggest naysayer. Ds is 2.5 and I was not planning on sending him to pre-K so I thought I'd take advantage of that year, but does anyone deal with an opposing spouse?