What to do with 18 month old during birth? Suggestions???

[HappyMommaBear]

Hello all!

I have been thinking a lot lately about what to do with our little boy when his brother or sister is being born. I feel so picky because I want things to be just so (I think that because my previous birth spiraled out of control and I ended up with an emergency cs that I am hyper-planning every detail that can be planned, but anyway)
I like the idea of him being here. For one thing, this is going to be a big change for him, and I want things to be as normal as possible.
But he will only be 18 months old when the new one arrives, and he needs more attention than my DH, MW or doula will be able to give him. So I thought about having a support person here to take care of him, but there's not really anyone I can think of who I want here while I am giving birth. This is a very small house, if we have a tub (which I'm hoping for) it will have to be in the dining room, (very middle of the house) and I just really want to keep the number of attendants down. I see birth as a more intimate, quiet thing and just don't know anyone else that I would want to be here.

So that leaves sending him to be with someone else. The logical choice for his comfort would be my ILs but I don't really want to do that. They never know when they've worn out their welcome; they come and pretty much camp out when any grandbaby is born and I don't want that to happen again. I want some time for the four of us to bond without anyone, especially right after the birth, and it will be harder to control that if they have to bring him home to us. Also, because of how long my last labor was (65 hours with many, many complications) I know they will worry, so I would rather not even call anyone until after the birth.
Another thing- while I hate that this factors in, they might be really offended if we sent him to someone else and didn't even call them while I was in labor. In one way, I just plain don't care. But in another, I don't want things to be tense as a result, which they can be at times.

We do have some close friends just down the street that I could ask to keep him. They would be more respectful and understanding of our time and space, and would be happy to drop DS off at the door and go back home without seeing Baby if that was what we requested. But, I am a bit more hesitant to burden them with a toddler for an unknown number of hours.
On the bright side, the fact that they live just down the street is great for keeping DS here as long as possible, and getting him back home asap after the birth. And, my ILs may be less likely to be upset, since they can't deny the convenience of a half minute walk as opposed to a 15 minute drive...

I've been hoping and praying that the new baby will come during the night and DS can stay here and sleep through it, but hoping isn't really good enough. I need to figure out a plan!

So, that's what I'm thinking right now. If anyone has any ideas or stories about what you've done for your subsequent births, I'd love to hear them! Thanks!

[kcparker]

I think your friends down the street sound like a good option. You seem more comfortable with their presence and your ability to control it without them being offended than with the idea of the in-laws being anywhere near the house. 18 months old is too young to really understand what's going on and be able to participate as a witness or supporter, and he might do better out of the house if you think you might start making a lot of vocalizations or getting surly during transition, anything that he will not comprehend or might be upset by. No matter whether he is in the home or not, he will be more comfortable if he has somebody who can be his caretaker (and can entertain/distract him) while you are doing the work of having the baby. As for 'burdening' them - that's what friends are for. This is a big, important day for you, and I bet they will be willing to pitch in to help if you need it. You can give them a nice bottle of wine/whiskey if they imbibe, reciprocate by taking care of their cat when they go on vacation for two weeks, or get them each a gift certificate for an hour long massage at a nearby day spa.

We will probably have one of my friends take our son when this baby comes. He's a little older, but it still seems like a good idea for him to have a person to attend to him who can remove him from the house if need be.

[aricha]

When our second was born, our oldest was 2 1/2 and we didn't have too many support people. Our next door neighbor was a stay-at-home newish mom who we thought would be a great choice... my step-daughter stayed through early labor, and when my husband went next door to tell the neighbor I was in labor, she said she had a lunch date and he needed to bring her after. When he showed up on the doorstep with our toddler a couple hours later, she said she was trying to get lunch and naptime done, could he please wait... since I was in transition, he said no and left the toddler with her, feeling like he had no other options. Lesson learned: be VERY clear with your child's support person about what you need from them.

Next birth we had a couple people who were "on call" depending on when I went into labor. Because my husband felt like he missed a lot of the last birth, we had our friend come pick up our son pretty early on and spent an amazing day in labor together-- planting flowers, going for a walk, etc. The friend was someone we knew could take care of him for hours or days if needed. His sister was born on his birthday, and she brought him back when we called having had a little birthday breakfast celebration, with dinner for us and even having taken him to get pictures taken to commemorate both his 2nd birthday and the day his sister was born. It was sweet for everyone.

This time we feel like the older two, at least, are old enough to attend if they want... the youngest (almost 2 1/2) we aren't sure what she'll be interested in or up for. We have two friends coming to stay with us for most of the month... one will plan to be present at the birth with any kids who want to be there, the other will be available for kids who need a break or don't want to be there.

So... three different scenarios for three different births. My two lessons I learned were that 1- my husband can either be present at the birth OR can be doing childcare, but not both; and 2- it needs to be REALLY clear to whoever you are relying on what you need from them, you need to trust them to care for your child without input from you during labor, and they need to understand the unpredictability of childbirth and be willing to do a little rearranging if needed.