is this PPD or am I just being stupid? (a little long)

[memory maker]

Hi I have been stuck in a depressive rut that mainly started after my dd was born in June. I know what I am depressed about, but I dont have any way to fix it. My extended family a very close knit group, everyone is always there for each other, and they all live within 20 minutes of each other. When I got married I moved to be where my husbands family lived because my husband went into the family business. We are now 4 hours away from my family and only get to go visit once a month for 2 days. This really started bothering me after the birth of my DD because my brother and his wife lost a baby a month after. There hasnt been a death in my family since I was in elementary school, so this was a big shock to everyones system. Everyone else is there and could help each other through the loss except for me who was there for the funeral and then had to leave. Now all of my time is spent wishing that we did not live here, which I am inadvertantly taking out on my DH because its his job that makes us stuck here. Most nights I cry myself to sleep and some days are really hard on me too. I feel like I am stuck in a dark hole and cannot get out. I am thinking of trying to see if therapy will help me. I also have a problem thinking about the future. At some point we arent going to be able to visit my family as often because of childrens activities and when they get older they wont want to spend time away from friends to go visit family. Then I think about what happens when someone else in my family dies or gets really sick. I think this will really throw me into a deep depression. Im not really sure what to do, especially since I really dont have any friends around here that I can talk to and I dont want to talk to my mom because she worries about me anyway and is now really worried because my SIL is pregnant again and having more complications. Does anyone have any advice on if this is PPD and what I should do about it?

[Alstrameria]

Most nights I cry myself to sleep and some days are really hard on me too. I feel like I am stuck in a dark hole and cannot get out.

I don't think it matters if it's PPD or not, although I would say it fits the timeline. Something is definitely up with you. It is a hallmark of depression to fixate on something, usually something you can't change, and start to sink. What's important isn't that you find a way to fix the problem, ie your location, but that your coping skills aren't there right now.

I think it's great that you want to get some help, that's a great place to start. You may find that when you're feeling better you are better able to troubleshoot the problem, ie your location, anyway!

Good luck

Jen

[Jish]

I'm thinking that therapy would be a good place to start since you have an idea what is triggering the depression. I would think it would help to be able to work through it with a therapist who isn't emotionally involved. Sometimes they can see simple things that we can't because we are entrenched in the situation.

My second suggestion would be to try to find some friends in your area. Is there a breastfeeding support group or le leche league in your area? Are there any mother's groups or parenting groups offered at the local hospital? You don't necessarily have to have the exact same parenting philosophy as another mom to become good friends and a good support system for each other. You might be surprised at how receptive other new moms are to friendship. Many of them are probably just as lonely as you. I have a huge group of other moms that I can rely on that I have bonded with over the course of the last 5 1/2 years since I had my first ds. They keep me sane and are just as happy to have me as I am to have them. Heck, I picked up a new mom at the park last summer while my ds was swinging by hers. It turned out that she had just moved to town and away from their families. She is now a great member of our playgroup. It just takes a few guts to be able to start a conversation.

Lastly, is there any reason that you can't go visit your family more often? Is your dh opposed to you going by yourself sometimes and staying for a few days? I guess if you work that changes the situation, but if you stay home, going back to your family for a few days during the week shouldn't be an issue.

Best of luck, and let us know how you are doing. There are a great group of gals here.

[EllasMama]

Definitely consider therapy. I found a great therapist and I feel so glad that she's on my team as I journey through everything I need to deal with. From what you wrote, I would tend to think that your location probably isn't the root cause of your depression. That's not to say it isn't a factor, or that you wouldn't be happier living there, but in and of itself, it's not really enough to cause the type feelings you described.

Also, although you are farther away from family, don't discount the value of non-face-to-face communication. In living far away from family, I've found that different avenues of relationship can open up when you have frequent phone conversations, and letters and email are really interesting because they are so different from the IRL conversations you'd have with people. For instance, you can talk about things you might be afraid to in person. Just to add a little perspective in hopes it might help you appreciate some of the changes in relationships.

Another thing about relationships is that, you don't necessarily have to "keep up" with people, like you would if you saw them every weekend, to be close to them. Family you love and close friends will be there no matter what and it's amazing how you can feel like you just pick up where you left off even if it's been months since you spoke. Of course I don't recommend going months without communicating with family, but just don't want you to feel pressured to keep up an enormous amount of communication if it's overwhelming. Do what feels comfortable. And try to visit family more often if it makes you happy.

For what it's worth, I've been in your shoes...across an ocean from family, newly married, trapped in a downer of a situation by my husband's crappy job, etc. It is a horrible feeling, and sometimes the only good answer IS to make a change. But making new friends and connections in your area would be something you could start doing along with therapy, and once you're feeling better, you'll know what your heart is telling you and you can go from there.

Hang in there. I'm sorry you're having a rough time. Spring is not too far off, and as the days get brighter, hopefully it'll bring some environmental relief. Winter is hard.

Carol

[memory maker]

my husband is totally against me driving by myself to go see my family. I have done it a few times and he really pitches a fit. I do go regularly to LLL meetings in my area and have tried a playgroup in my town, but the problem is I have trouble relating to all the women because they are all a good 15-20 years older than me. They do have kids the same age as mine, but everything else they talk about they would have more in common with my mom. I talk to my mom at least twice a day on the phone and through emails. I do the same with my SIL. Talking to them sometimes makes me more stressed, especially when things are going bad for them because I cant be there. Not that I can help them fix everything, but it would be nice to be able to be there to help out where I can and to have the comfort of family around when times are bad. To me this is a matter of location. I am completely happy and stress free when we go visit. I have family there and I have friends there.