What are your thoughts on forcing kids to share?

[vermontgirl]

I have been really thinking about this a lot lately because I am seeing two different approaches to sharing and I am struggling a little. My instinct is that we should share all the time with most things-but that it is ok for there to be a small amount of things that are special. For example, Harvest has a dolly that his auntie made him and he gets downright upset when a little girl comes over and claims it. He also really doesn’t like to share his bike-which I personally think is ok since there are other ride on things for kids to use. I feel comfortable saying to other children that this is special to Harvest and that there are many other dollies to use-or that this is Harvests special bike so you will have to use one of the others. I have seen other parents saying this as well. "This is Suzies special princess dress. Here are all the other dresses that you can choose from!"

I have also seen parents make their kids share everything. I have a good friend the other day who told me right out that she disagrees with me and that she makes her two boys share everything-even if they are connected to it. She thinks that these are just items and that we are teaching our children to be selfish and materialistic if we allow them to cling to something and not share. I understand her but I do not agree. My husband agrees with her though.

My instinct is that I don’t want to force him to share things that I know are important to him. I also don’t want to put everything away when people come over. I think it is a tough lesson for kids to learn that they cant have everything they want and it is ok to tell a child who is 3-6 years old that it is Harvests special thing and that there are other things to choose from. Especially if there are like 2 special things and like 100 things he shares. I don’t go to other adults houses and force them to share everything with me. Yesterday I opened the Dr Sears Discipline book and found out that he agrees with me.


Alright, lay it on me. What are your thoughts? How do you handle sharing when you are at your house?

[spmamma]

We're not quite there yet as DD is only about 2 and doesn't have any special things at this point. But, in reading your post I remembered what my folks used to do when we had something they knew we wouldn't want to share. If another child was coming over, they'd talk to us about sharing the favorite item, and if we didn't want to share it then we put it away in my parents' closet during the visit. As a child, I really liked the fact that my parents helped me find a way to avoid hurt feelings and fights over a special toy.

I'm sure this isn't the best method, but it did work to avoid making us share and at the same time avoid hurt feelings. I'm interested to see what others do.

[krystyn33]

I think sharing can be extremely difficult for young ones--some probably more than others. When DS (age 2) does "share" I doubt it is because he is being considerate of the other child's feelings as much as he isn't concerned with that particular object at that moment.

To work out the conflicts that come up over coveted items between DS and another 2 year old we play with regularly, I talk about taking turns--not forcing, but I describe how his friend would like a turn (and vice-versa) and invite him to take turns when he is ready. That's worked well for us--they play at taking turns like it is a game.

When DS is older and shows a strong preference for certain things he indicates he doesn't want to share, I would support that. After all, I'm not keen on lending out my laptop! Even now, when we have a playdate and he is resistant to giving another child a turn, I explain to that child that DS really wants to play with X right now & suggest something else. It just seems to me that the more I respect his feelings, the more likely he will grow to respect the feelings of others as he becomes developmentally capable. He's already showing steps toward this.

[SweetPotato]

My dd (3.5yo) is a very private person- very sensitive about her personal space. We have rarely had problems when just one or two friends come over- she's generally pretty excited to have someone to do all these pretend games with that I get sick of playing (doctor, store, house, etc.) When our couple of friends suddenly exploded into a large playgroup several months ago, we actually pretty much stopped having folks over- I really didn't feel like it would be fair to her for me to invite 10+ other kids to her house to play with hre things. I don't think this is teaching her to be materialistic, I think of it more as respecting her private space and her own things-- I woud definitely not like it if dh invited a dozen women over to try on my clothes, monkey around in my kitchen, etc.! When we invite friends over now, we make sure to limit it to one or two other kids, and I always discuss it with dd first- who would she like to have over, make sure she understands that they're all going to be playing with the things in the playroom, etc. (we also put special items away) We went through a stretch where she would tell me that she did not want to have so-and-so over, she did not want to share. Now we're at a place where she'll often initiate the conversation "mommy, I want ____ to come to our house- I want to share with her." I feel pretty good about the approach that we've taken

[elizawill]

i think it depends on the age of your children honestly. toddlers are notorious for not sharing, and i think parents need to involve themselves to help navigate those situations. it's just part of toddlerhood. my kids are almost 8 & 5. so i do expect them to share and treat others with the same kindness and respect that they desire. however, i agree with you regarding your son's doll and bike. my ds has a "baby", which is a blue blanket. i would never expect him to share that with anyone. it is his special blanket, and there is no reason to let others hold it. i think sharing a bike would be kind of course, but i wouldn't force my kids to do that either. i've never really "forced" my kids to share anything actually. when my dd was about 3ish? and went through a phase of not wanting to share anything, i told her she didn't have too share a thing. but i also let her know we wouldn't be able to have playdates at our home, because it isn't fair to invite friends over & then tell them everything is off limits. we didn't have playdates for about a month at our home (we went to public places) and soon after she was ready to have playdates at our home again. you could also let your kids put a few things away before guests arrive... if they don't want certain toys played with - have them put those things away. bottom line, i don't think having a couple of special things off-limits is a big deal at all. however, i did hate when my kids were little and other kids wouldn't share their stuff. it made for super lame playdates & we usually didn't hang out a lot with people like that. i think in your situation it sounds fine though. hugs

[L'lee]

There are times when sharing is appropriate, and there are times when it isn't and kids need to learn that. I agree with you that kids should NOT be expected to always share. We adults don't always share! Nor should we, at least not in our culture. Would you share your laptop? Perhaps with a close friend or relative (maybe NOT!) but certainly not with a stranger who wants to take it somewhere with them?! Would you share a different expensive item, house, or car with a stranger? Are you comfortable sharing your partner with another man/woman? etc. Some people may be comfortable with these scenarios, but many/most people are not.

I agree with putting things away that are special and that kids don't want to share when others are over. That helps to avoid that particular type of problem. I also make my son leave his important toy(s) in the car when we go to a playgroup at someone else's house or a playground.

To expect children to always share with others is oversimplification. Of course there are times when sharing is appropriate, but just because someone asks for something, your child shouldn't be expected to just give it up in the middle of playing with it (unless it belongs to someone and has to go home with them or some such similar scenario - there are always exceptions!) but also there may be some time limit you have to set if your child attaches to a new toy and won't give it up for a long period of time. However, this is always arbitrarily set when an adult intervenes and says that it is time, and you can expect the child to be upset unless they feel empowered. A friend of mine was talking about Montessori mom & toddler/preschooler classes where the adults were asked to sit back, observe and let the instructor intervene because "parents always jump in too soon and should let the children work these things out amongst themselves much more in order to learn from the situation". I thought that this was pretty interesting and insightful. Of course the teacher would intervene if someone is in danger or if a child is bullying others, but I think it is a good point that we need to let them learn instead of always taking over the situation.

[earthymomma7]

sharing

I have heard that not allowing your child to have at least a few items that are ONLY theirs, that they are not required to share, makes them feel that they aren't in control of anything in their world. The sense of ownership actually helps with self-esteem and confidence as well as giving them a sense of security that they are not completely out of control. Also it supposedly helps with sharing by allowing the child to claim ownership over a few things instead of all things, if that makes sense. I think you are doing great!

[ambivamom]

In our house, if the child does not want to share the toy, we put it away until the other kids are not around any more. That's something I remind them of, and try to head off problems by talking about it ahead of time.

I agree that children should have ownership. They can decide not to share, but recognize that if other children WANT that toy and it is a bone of contention that can't be worked out, then it's best to put it away until they can have their own alone time.

With younger kids (~3 or younger) I just know not to get too far away so that I can use distraction and mediation if problems come up.

[Mrs.Burke]

Sharing is not to be forced specially with small kids for they are naturally
selfish but they would eventually learn how to share specially if we lead by example.

[JennifaBest]

I don't think that children should be forced to share. That's not really "sharing" at all when you think about it. Unless the spirit of giving and generosity is there, it's not sharing. So really it is impossible to make someone share something. You can take their things and give them to someone else, but it doesn't mean they are sharing them if it doesn't come from their heart.

When our kids are feeling a bit snarky and not wanting to share things with other kids we have a few tricks to deal with it. One is to play a game not involving toys (ring-around-the-rosy, duck-duck-goose, red-light/green-light). Sometimes I'll bring out the playdough which doesn't belong to anybody, and we have several small rolling pins, cookie cutters and such - so there are plenty for everyone. Or I'll bring out MY basket of toys and model sharing by sharing MY things with the children who are visiting. One of the best ways to teach sharing is to model it by doing.

[St. Margaret]

Yeah, we try to lead by example, and we might talk about allowing someone to take turns with a toy, because it would make them very happy. But we also focus on how to decline to share politely, like saying, "I'm having a turn with this right now," or "I don't feel comfortable sharing this" or even "This is my special doll." DD shares willingly with most of her toys, so I find this all totally fine. A good balance. Just like I would expect her to have as an adult-- I agree, we aren't always expected to share everything!

[readytobedone]

i don't force her to share her own toys--unless we are having a playdate at our house, and there's nothing else for the other kid(s) to play with. even then, i don't make her share her special dolls.

i do insist on sharing when the thing doesn't belong to her in the first place. it drives me bonkers when parents just go "well, it looks like bobby doesn't want to share" when DD wants to play with the choo choos at the children's museum. hello! they are not bobby's choo choos. if you can't share COMMUNAL property, then you need to stay home where the toys are yours.

[Serendipity]

We don't force sharing but we do encourage it.

I talk to her before hand if we are meeting friends somewhere and we talk about what would be appropriate to bring, what people might want to play with and how we'll handle it.

My daughter was continually getting upset at the park when other kids would use her sand toys. I finally bought a set all one color that's hers only, and a set in another color for sharing.

We have avoided play dates at our house for the last 6 months or so because she was not OK having people come into her room with her stuff and play. I'm babysitting some kids for a little while next week and talked with her about it. We agreed that we would bring some blocks, the marble run, some cars, balls etc. out in the livingroom for the other kids to share but her room would be off limits.

I also willingly share most of my stuff with my kids. My daughter loves trying on my clothes and jewelery and shoes. We share craft supplies. When she asks to borrow something we talk about how nice it feels when people share with us.

So, a combo of respecting their feelings, creative strategies, but also modeling, talking, and guiding.

[MusicianDad]

My thoughts on forced sharing is that sharing isn't sharing if your made to do it. I'd rather my children see that sharing is a wonderful thing and choose on their own to do it.

[DevaMajka]

If someone comes over to our house, I tell ds to put away stuff that he doesn't really want them to play with. If it's out when they get here, I insist that he let them play with it.
He's never had anything that was really special to him though, so I'm not sure what I'd do there. I imagine that if it's one toy, I might apologize to the other child, and put the toy away for the time being.

I don't make him give a toy he's playing with to another kid, in the name of sharing.

[webjefita]

I don't "force" my kids to do anything I can think of, I think "force" makes me think physically taking something from them or doing something to them. But I do insist they do certain things, like sharing most things the way you described. We don't have a hard and fast rule, but most of the things we own can be used by anyone in the family. Then there are special things, new toys, etc. and we do the same as you do, we just explain "that is Ben's new toy, it's special to him," etc. This works great for us, even between siblings.

Other times it's , "Josh wants a turn, you're going to have to share. Tell him in how many minutes you'll be done." etc.

[transylvania_mom]

I agree with you. Adults share way less than children and it's seen much less appropriate in adult world to ask a colleague, for example, to share their personal things with you. So why do we force children to share?
There are special situations when I expect my 4y/o ds to share, like when he has guests; if he has toys he doesn't feel like sharing, they have to be put away until the guests leave. But at playdates or in the park, ds was always ok with sharing his toys.

[elizawill]

i don't see the adult comparison as the same thing honestly. if we have guests over and my kids won't share anything (or only half of their things) it makes for a really lame playdate for the little guests visiting us. ykwim? i think putting special toys away before guests arrive is appropriate, or even telling children that one or 2 toys are off-limits...but if a child struggles with sharing beyond that, then playdates should be on communal ground only. for me, a more accurate adult comparison would be like having guests over for dinner & offering them half of the food on the table, explaining kindly that the other half is special food... at least thats how it feels for the child on the receiving end. my kids don't have to share, and i've never forced that. but as the parent, i think it's important to create playdates that are fair for all participants, ykwim? just my thoughts.

[boigrrrlwonder]

I do not force my kid to share personal property. Currently, I'm not forcing her to share communal property (like when we are in a church nursery together and the toy in question is church property), but I'm much more ambivalent about it.

[lurve]

yeah i am the mom that other moms glare at as i tell my DD that we do NOT have to share. like other posters have said, we adults don't share that much but we expect our kids to share their most valuable assets (ie toys, food, etc)??!!!
i learned from a mama here a little trick that works pretty well: it is the "taking turns" trick. when one child has something another wants I will say "X when you are done with the toy, can Y have it." I usually get a yes or if no real answer ('cause i mainly deal in the two-year-old world at the moment) i then turn to Y and say "when X is done with the toy you can have it. Then Y, when you are done with it can X have it." the kids usually end up getting a huge kick out of giving each other the toy.