My marriage me be over, and I don't know why

[mi.birthdoula]

I feel like I just can't stop crying right now, and I just need to get this out so maybe I'll feel a little better for the time being.

DH and I just had a gigantic fight. It all started because I asked him to make a pitcher of Kool-Aid (dumb reason to start a fight over.) He got all pissy because he wanted to call a friend. I told him, that was fine, and I'm sure he could handle doing the kool aid and talking at the same time. He just erupted about how I always want him to do something, and I never care about what he wants, and just goes off on a tangent. I told him I was only asking him to make 1 thing of Kool aid while I was trying to make pasta, sauce, garlic bread, a salad, cut up a melon, and grate cheese. I didn't think that was too much to ask of him to help me for a whole 2 min since I was trying to get dinner done before M (Step-son)had to get ready for bed. He then told me that I was just a nag, and I could do it myself. I told him that it was inappropriate of him to speak to me like he was, and I deserve alittle bit of respect. DD#2 then came into the kitchen and was getting tired, so she of course was whining, he got mad at her and just pushed passed her knocking her to the ground. Then Stepson came out to the kitchen demanding food NOW. I told him that he better show some respect, or he was going to lose his TV for tonight. DH then really blew and told me I had NO right to take it away, and kept calling me every name you can think of. I then broke down and just said that I can't take dealing with this crap, and done with stepson adn DH talking to me like they do. He didn't believe me when I told him that Stepson told me today again that he hated me, and it was my fault that his life sucked, and if it weren't for me that his mom and dad would still be together, and he wishes that me and his sisters were dead. he has told me this time and time again over the past 6 years that DH and I have been together, and DH won't believe me because stepson will NOT do it if dad is around. He told me that I was full of crap. I told DH that I don't deserve to be treated that way be a 7 yr old that I do SO much for. I get up and get him and DD's dressed so I can take him to school every day, pick him up, make his lunches, take him fun places, take him on special outings with just him and I, put my life on hold basically when he is here. Dh said that its MY fault that he treats me the way that he does, and its not his problem to correct, its mine to live with. He then told me that he was sick and tired of our relationship and he hated me and was seriously considering leaving the marriage, and was probably going to call a lawyer tomorrow. I don't know what I did to make him hate me so much, but I dont know what to do now. I gave up literally EVERYTHING 1 1/2 yrs ago when we were having problems, my entire family wouldn't speak to me for over a year because I wanted to go to counseling to try to work on our marriage to make it work, but now i feel like it was all for nothing, and I don't know where this anger is coming from because I thought everything was fine.
So now I'm just sitting in my room at the computer bawling my eyes out, and not knowing what tomorrow is going to bring. I feel like my life is crashing down on me during a time that I should be happy about nearing the end of pregnancy and holding my baby.
I'm just so scared right now that I might end up going the rest of this pregnancy alone, and losing the man that I love without even knowing what i did.
I've also been having dry heaves, constant BH that are very painful, and now a migraine has started since the whole argument. I feel absolutely miserable.

[Aeress]

I saw this in new threads and had to reply.
First big *hugs*
Second- you didn't do anything to deserve this.
Third- I want you believe me when I say- you should never have to give up everything for another human being. I know that working on a marriage and getting help is so important but giving up EVERYTHING isn't what you need to do. WHat has dh done to help the marriage and your relationship with ds?

I don't want you to be alone, especially during pregnancy, but it sounds like dh isn't doing his half of the work.

more *hugs*

[Navy_Mommy]

I know there isn't really anything anyone can say to 'fix' what is going on. The only thing I can really think to say is: I hear you, I read all of your post and I hear you.

I agree that you shouldn't have to give up everything for one person, but past decisions are gone, you can't change them.

I think the part most about your post is the stepson. I was a step child, and not a great one at that. I never gave my stepdad a chance and I hated the fact that ( the way I saw it, being around 8 ) was that we didn't need him, my mother and I were doing just fine taking care of ourselves. I had taken care of her when she was sick and she took care of me... I am not saying that what he is saying or acting is right. It isn't. And I'm surprised that his father isn't interested in helping your relationship with him. That should have been a top priority when y'all were dating. Sounds like it has snowballed... and I don't know how to break that up.

You also mentioned that you are afraid of going through the rest of the pregnancy alone, afraid of losing DH. I would just urge you to try to figure out, long term (which is very hard) what will be best for you and your children. (stepson included, since you are apart of his life). I would rather not have a DH then to have one who wasn't supportive and talked to me like you are describing. I'm not saying that seperating, especially with a baby on the way... or a new baby.... or any children at all, is easy. But everything is about quality of life, what is your quality of life? Do you enjoy waking up in the morning? Do you look forward to what the days, weeks, years ahead of you will bring in your current situation? Or do you dread these ideas.

I don't know if I was helpful or not, anyways... Please keep us/me posted. I hope whatever happens turns out for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it will. *hug*

[babykaoss]

That sounds so hard, mama. Sending love and support vibes to you....couldn't read and not post.

[mi.birthdoula]

Originally Posted by Navy_Mommy

I know there isn't really anything anyone can say to 'fix' what is going on. The only thing I can really think to say is: I hear you, I read all of your post and I hear you.

I agree that you shouldn't have to give up everything for one person, but past decisions are gone, you can't change them.

I think the part most about your post is the stepson. I was a step child, and not a great one at that. I never gave my stepdad a chance and I hated the fact that ( the way I saw it, being around 8 ) was that we didn't need him, my mother and I were doing just fine taking care of ourselves. I had taken care of her when she was sick and she took care of me... I am not saying that what he is saying or acting is right. It isn't. And I'm surprised that his father isn't interested in helping your relationship with him. That should have been a top priority when y'all were dating.For the first year of our marriage DH would try to listen to what was going on, but then I think he just gave up on it, and I don't think that was fair to me or to my stepson. When I told DH that I am his step mother so I deserve a little respect, not just a babysitter, DH told me Quote, "well, when I married you that was part of the deal, you will watch him and take care of him like a mother, and if you got a problem with it, too bad. I married you so he would have a caretaker." This literally broke my heart. It makes me think that DH has just been using me for the past 5 yrs, and may have never loved me at all. Sounds like it has snowballed... and I don't know how to break that up.

You also mentioned that you are afraid of going through the rest of the pregnancy alone, afraid of losing DH. I would just urge you to try to figure out, long term (which is very hard) what will be best for you and your children. (stepson included, since you are apart of his life). I would rather not have a DH then to have one who wasn't supportive and talked to me like you are describing. I'm not saying that seperating, especially with a baby on the way... or a new baby.... or any children at all, is easy. But everything is about quality of life, what is your quality of life? Do you enjoy waking up in the morning? Do you look forward to what the days, weeks, years ahead of you will bring in your current situation? Or do you dread these ideas.
Lately I've dreaded the weeks when stepson is here because of his constant barrage of insults to me and his sisters. He also has tried to physically hurt them (choked 4yr old, so hard she had bruises, hits the 2 yr old HARD, and the 2 yr old is very small and can't defend against a 7yr old. the 2 yer old is only 20 lbs. He also bites. DH always says the girls probably deserved what they got from him. I'm not saying the grils are angles all the time, but that is completely unacceptable behavior in my opinion. When he choked his 4 yr old sister, it took all my strength to pull him off of her and she was literally gasping for breath and was absolutely terrified after. I really though he was going to kill her. I had always looked to the years ahead with DH with high hopes, and thought we would be one of those couples that are 80 and living happily, but now I don't know. When stepson is not here (we have him every other week Sunday to Sunday) our house is very peaceful and loving. But its like a flip is switched the minute stepson shows up.
I don't know if I was helpful or not, anyways... Please keep us/me posted. I hope whatever happens turns out for the best, even if it doesn't feel like it will. *hug*

I know in my heart that God has a plan and things will always work out for the best, but sometimes its just so hard. But thank you for your insight. It is much appreciated. Sometimes just talking about it clarifies a lot within the head.

[texaspeach]

[mouso]

Oh, mama, I'm so sorry.

I have no great words of wisdom except to say that DH is being very unfair to you and what he said about you being a caretaker is SO wrong and mean.
Of course, I don't know what you should do b/c i don't know every detail but I think you need to insist on counseling for the family with DSS.
That sounds like a must.

HUGS, mama.

[tayndrewsmama]

[Flower of Bliss]

[Storm Bride]

You should get family counseling asap. Even if your husband won't go, you should go, and take the girls. They're being abused by their brother, and by their father (by saying they deserve it). Your husband obviously has some serious issues, and I have no idea what would be the best approach where he's concerned, but I'm sure your dds could benefit from some outside support. It has to be scary having someone around who treats them like that.

[Spring Sun]

I have had fights like this with dh and I know how you feel right now. The hardest thing ends up not being able to froget the things he said when he was really made-like your dh saying he married you to be a caretaker.

I am sooo sorry you have to go through this pregnant. Dh and I had so many problems, but a lot of it was this immature bulls*&t that was so unneccassary. Once we took almost two years off, works on ourselves on the commnication stuff, and learned to respect each other more, be on the same team, etc...it has been so much better. Great at times. But not so great at other times.

I don't know your dh, but knowing you just from this board it seems to me like he just does not desearve to have you in his life-and someone should kick his butt and tell him that. You are an amazing woman, and you should have a partner that holds you, supports you, helps you while you aer devoting so much time and energy to your children as well as to the one growing in your belly right now.

Keep letting us know how youa re doing-I know it helps to just keep talking when I feel like this.

[MCatLvrMom2A&X]

[sunshynbaby]

I hope everything works out. Hugs to you!

[slimkins]

[spiritedmama]

Oh, I am so sorry. Hugs. The only thing I will say is that you need to remember that you are a strong, confident, beautiful woman. Remember that your husband is your "partner" and that you don't depend on him, but you can live without him. I heard some really good advice once that said that you have to know that you can live without someone, not easily, not that you will like it, not that it won't be hard, but that you could do it and survive to really be healthy in a relationship.

I agree with the other mamas. Of course you deserve respect. You are an intelligent human being and should get respect from the one person who is supposed to be your partner in life and love and CHERISH you until death parts you.

Also, the girls NEVER deserve to be beaten on by an older sibling. Especially one who is SO much older and outweighs them so much. 2yo occassionally hit each other but a 7 year old should know better. Perhaps the 7 yo and your other children should not be left alone unattended. I know that sounds hard but I would keep a close eye on him.

Finally, counseling might be a good idea. For you and the girls. Suggesting counseling for the stepson might cause another fight. But, it wouldn't hurt for you to go and learn what a healthy relationship looks like and should feel like and for the girls since they have had such a hard time with their stepbro.

I am so sorry that you are going through this. This is just my two cents, you have to do what feels right to you. I will pray for courage to get through this and comfort for you....

[Jilian]

I'm sorry you are dealing with this. It sounds like a lot of the issues are surrounding the care/treatment of the stepson. It sounds like your stepson has some emotional issues, is there any way he can get into something like behavior therapy? How are things with his mom? Does he have these problems at her house too? It is completely unacceptable for him to be harming his siblings. period.

My DS1 has autism (he's on the high functioning end of the spectrum and also has ADHD) and sounds like your stepson. We have similar isssues. He hurts DS2 and we're working on eliminating that behavior too. Taking away things like TV, etc is a good idea and it can be effective. When DS1 really gets going and is on a mission to hurt his brother he is sent to his room until he calms down because DS2 needs to be safe in his own house too. Just like your girls do. We're starting behavior therapy again this summer, ABA is supposed to be really effective.

Since I'm in your DH's shoes to a certain extent (I'm the mom and he's the step-dad) I'll tell you what it is like for me when DH disciplines DS1. I am protective of DS1 and feel like I understand him a bit more. I cut him some slack because of his emotional issues and what he's been through (divorce, spends time in two households, etc) where DH is a bit less understanding. I have a hard time watching DH put DS in time outs, send him to his room, or take away privelidges. But at the same time I understand that DH should also get respect and DS needs to learn what behaviors are and are not appropriate. As a bio parent I think many of us feel like a stepparent cannot love or be connected to our child the way we can and that translates into overprotectiveness. I think this is why the divorce rate among blended families is so high. We make it work because we talk about it on a weekly basis so we can each understand where the other is coming from. Communication is an absolute must. Living in a blended family is HARD!

It also sounds like both you and your DH are feeling overwhelmed. Both of you sound like you are starting to resent the other, he's mad that your asking for "so much help" your mad that he's not helping out more. We go through this during pregnancy too because when I'm preg there are things that I cannot do and DH is forced to pick up the slack. It sucks for both of us. What helps us is to let go of getting everything done perfectly and we remember that it is only temporary. I won't be pregnant forever. So talk with your DH a LOT. Tell him your feelings without assigning any blame. Listen to his. Then come up with ideas and work out a compromise so everyone is feeling treated fairly.

Good luck mama. Feel free to PM me if you need to chat with someone who understands.

[mi.birthdoula]

Thank you for all your support so far ladies, you have no idea how much it is needed and appreciated.

Well, today didn't start out much better.

DH got up and just left really early this morning, I only knew because I heard his car leave at just after 7am. He left his son here, so of course I got up and did the whole usual routine of getting him to school. Without a complaint of course. I've tried calling and texting DH and he is completely ignoring me. I have no idea where he is, or what he is up to, but I just wish he would TALK to me. I will probably be calling our church's counseling office this afternoon to get things started for myself and the girls. Its kind of ironic that for the last 3 weeks, the whole sermon in church has been about trying to make marriages work. Go figure.

Stepson does have ADD and is in behavior therapy, but his mother is very bad about taking him to any appointments. She didn't take him to his drs appointment yesterday because she didn't want to go pick him up from school, and I can't do it, I"m not able to give consent at the drs. I know that A lot of his problems stem from all the crap that he has been through because of his mother (A LOT of moves, mulltiple siblings from multiple men, very unstable home, shes pregnant again) so that is why I DO give him A LOT of leeway. I don't discipline him like I do my daughters, I know he needs more love, and understanding.

As far as DH goes, I just dont know what to make of it. The only thing that I've asked for help with during this entire pregancy is for him to help give the girls their baths when my hips wont allow me to get down to the ground or when I'm so utterly exhausted that I need to sleep longer (maybe 1-2 times per week) and to help get the kids their plates made and cups filled when its time to eat. Otherwise I'm out in the kitchen making plates for another 10 min, while he gets his food and is almost done by the time I get to sit down at the table. And he won't sit with the fam to eat anymore either. He has to watch tv. I've pushed through so much physically to not have to ask him to do more, because when I did with my second pregnancy it did nothing but cause problems. And to top it off this has been the HARDEST pregnancy out of them all...been extremly sick with HG, bad back issues from a car accident, low blood pressure, low blood sugar, so I am constantly feeling like I'm going to pass out, and I'm always told by my DH that I'm making it all up. I guess you can fake blood pressure now somehow? I've always just shrugged it off and told myself, "hes a guy and will never undertand pregnancy with all its ups and downs." I don't understand this time because he's not working right now, (he absolutely refuses to go find more roofs to quote and he won't advertise his business. He has a roofing business.) I think maybe he just LIKES to sit at home, (which is fine, I know everyone needs a break now and again) and doesn't want to work anymore, but at the same he complains that its my fault that we don't have any money. BUt yet I don't say anything when he will go spend $1200 on fireworks for the 4th of july, or go get his concealed weapons permit, and buy a handgun (another almost $1000) or go bowling EVERY week, and paying to play softball everyweek. I don't complain about it because I know he needs something to do to keep active, but at the same time I'm the one at home watching all the kids and trying not to have my HG give me more problems. I'm not one to go out and waste our money either. Its my responsiblity to use my unemployment checks to cover groceries for the entire household, and diapers, wipes, clothing for the kids etc. And buying everything for the baby on the way. Crap, I've even only gotten myself 3 pair of pants, 2 bras and 5 shirts to wear for this pregnancy, and I don't have anything left from the last one. Instead I've been putting any of my extra money aside to buy a swingset for ALL the kids to enjoy, since I think it would make them still feel special with the new baby. (which granted, I'm getting from my brother at a very LOW cost, only paying $500 for what was over $4000 for just the materials - my dad designed and built it, hes a contractor.) So even that is not like I'm spending even close to what he does, and its taken me over 2 months to put that money aside.
Maybe I'll just write him an email telling him how I feel, since he obviously won't talk to me. Maybe he'll read it, maybe he won't, but I guess its worth a shot.
I'll keep everyone updated though on whats going on...I don't know what I'd do without all of you wonderful people

[maddymama]

HUGS!!!!!!!!!
~maddymama

[artgoddess]

Did you guys do the counseling you mentioned in an earlier post? if so what happened there? Was he abusive in the past? I only ask because your family was not nice about you working on your marriage.

I hope that you can talk to someone soon. I hope that your church counselor can help to get through to him. Please remember that it takes two people to make a partnership work. Working through things is not solely your responsibility.

[guestmama9916]

I'm so sorry mama! Your h sounds alot like my xh. When I gave him an ultimatum and made him go to counseling with me, the therapist flat out told him to his face that what he was saying to me (calling me every name in the book) was verbal abuse and what he was doing to me (belittling my concerns, telling me that I was making it up when I had severe migraines, not talking to me so we could work things out) was emotional abuse. Verbal/emotional abusers are the worst because they rarely if ever change. Their emotional age is stuck around 4 yrs old and that's extremely hard to fix. What I'm also hearing you say about your h (not working, blowing money, not helping around the house) is that he is acting irresponsible. My xh did that too and it is NOT a typical guy thing. I felt like I was his mom and had to take care of everyone and everything down to the last detail. I can't tell you what is right for you and your family but I left that SOB after 8 yrs of marriage (13 yrs total of abuse) and I haven't looked back. I do not regret my decision for a minute. What he did to me and DS was disgusting and our lives are much more peaceful without him. Did you know men like this actually fantasize about how they will blow up on you next? They think of ways to trap you in certain situations so they have an excuse to berate you. Sure they feel bad about it later but not bad enough to stop the cycle. I want to pass along a great website here that will explain what you are probably experiencing a little better. Once I started learning more about the way my xh ticks, the more I couldn't believe I put up with his sh!t for so long. I also just want to say that its great to try to work things out but it sounds like you've already done this once before and he has continued to be hateful. When a man is being explosive in front of his children and being mean to his wife for no reason and he won't change, this is not the kind of marriage that should be kept together for the children. It is worse for the children to grow up in a home full of yelling, fights and abuse. My son is so much better off now than before. He loves his dad and still sees him every other weekend but there is more stability now for him than before and we can be joyful and at peace in our home without xh blowing up at us whenever he feels like it. s