My marriage me be over, and I don't know why - Page 2

[NaturalMindedMomma]

I went through something similar in the recent past. Although my DP wouldn't even talk to me and left with nothing to say.

I just wanted to hug you and tell you I understand about step children. My 6 year old step son has ADHD. It is really hard sometimes, but I know where you are coming from. The biggest thing that bothered me out of your whole post was the way he pushed past your daughter and knocked her down. I mean, I understand adults get angry and sometimes we do not handle it 100% appropriatly, but with kids its different. Also the fact that he is leaving you, pregnant and alone to take care of HIS SON. That isn't right either.

I don't really have much advice, but YOU have to soul search and figure out what YOU want. Get yourself and your girls in family counseling and really think about what it is you want. I decided to work it out with Jose and we are really trying and things seem 100% better, but we both REALLY wanted it.

Hugs mama! Be good to yourself!

[Spring Sun]

Whenever I went through stuf with dh, the thing that helped most was hearing what was normal and what was not.

Pushing your daughter, not trying to work when you need money, not helping out when you are pregnant, expecting you to use all your moeny for thigns for the family, going out EVERY week when you need help at home-none of this is normal.

Dh helps me to do a ton-he'll get me things, put ds to bed every night, give me a massage if I ask for it, will pay for everything if we need it, and is constantly working harder to make a better life for us. He also tells me he appreciates me and shows that appreciation.

I, in turn, try to do what I can-clean the house, cook, manage the small details, take care of ds most of the time, work to bring in money as well, etc... I also am totally fine with him going out once a week-if I don't need him. Two weeks ago dh was home for just a couple days from a trip and was leaving again. So, although he had stupidly made plans with a friend for our one free night, he canceled them and we went out on a date instead. It was nice to hear him explain to his friend that his family will ALWAYS come first. And we should.

You should come first, and he should appreciate your a million times over for what you are doing. Sounds like you got stuck. I would ask for counseling and if that does not work you can do it on your own and he can work on getting his crap together somewhere else.

I am sorry you have to go through this so late in your pregnancy. You don't deasearve this!!!

[ohiomommy1122]

Oh Mama I'm sp sorry you have to go through this, I wish I could offer you some magic advice but the only thing I can say is try marrige cousling, it saved DH and I's marriage many years ago if he loves you and wants it to work then he will try if not then hmmmmm well I think you know where I'm going also family cousling sounds like a good idea to w/ those step son issues but I would bring up both at once I would bring up couples counciling then maybe after a few sessions see if you can get the couciler to mention counciling for the son ( even if it requires a phone call to counclier behind DH's back) good luck mama

I just wanted to add that this behavior with step son needs to be taken care of ASap because you dont want your DD growing up thinking that is the proper way to treat parents

[Jilian]

Originally Posted by Spring Sun

Whenever I went through stuf with dh, the thing that helped most was hearing what was normal and what was not.

Pushing your daughter, not trying to work when you need money, not helping out when you are pregnant, expecting you to use all your moeny for thigns for the family, going out EVERY week when you need help at home-none of this is normal.

You should come first, and he should appreciate your a million times over for what you are doing. Sounds like you got stuck. I would ask for counseling and if that does not work you can do it on your own and he can work on getting his crap together somewhere else.

Great words of wisdom. It sounds like there isn't much give-and-take going on, your H is just taking and that is not fair. I think you should stand up for yourself and let him know this is not going to fly anymore. If he continues, I agree with SpringSun that he should work on getting his ass in gear somewhere else.

Your stepson is lucky to have you. My boy also has ADHD and it sure is trying sometimes.

[Quickbeam]

I'm sorry, mama. I fear I am have no good advice, but I will be thinking of you and hoping for improvement. Marriage is so hard!

[msada]

I am sorry for all that you are going through, I hope counseling helps you and daughter's work through this.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Spring Sun

Whenever I went through stuf with dh, the thing that helped most was hearing what was normal and what was not.

Pushing your daughter, not trying to work when you need money, not helping out when you are pregnant, expecting you to use all your moeny for thigns for the family, going out EVERY week when you need help at home-none of this is normal.

:
Men may not be able to understand pregnancy in some ways (neither can many childless women...and for that matter, I have no idea what it's like to struggle with swelling, significant back pain, excessive vomiting, etc.). That has nothing to do with it. I don't know what it was like for dh when he broke his hand, either. I don't know what it's like for him to have never regained full strength in that hand, a year and a half later. That doesn't mean I get to piss on his feelings, ignore his pain, and selfishly refuse to help him in any way. Your husband is being emotionally abusive.

And, someone mentioned the complicated feelings a bio-parent has for their child. I believe that...but it doesn't excuse (or even explain) declaring that a 2 year old "deserved" to be hit by a 7 year old. I don't know what his issues are about his son, but his behaviour is inexcusable.

[NaturalMindedMomma]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

:
Men may not be able to understand pregnancy in some ways (neither can many childless women...and for that matter, I have no idea what it's like to struggle with swelling, significant back pain, excessive vomiting, etc.). That has nothing to do with it. I don't know what it was like for dh when he broke his hand, either. I don't know what it's like for him to have never regained full strength in that hand, a year and a half later. That doesn't mean I get to piss on his feelings, ignore his pain, and selfishly refuse to help him in any way. Your husband is being emotionally abusive.

And, someone mentioned the complicated feelings a bio-parent has for their child. I believe that...but it doesn't excuse (or even explain) declaring that a 2 year old "deserved" to be hit by a 7 year old. I don't know what his issues are about his son, but his behaviour is inexcusable.

ITA with the last statement. If my DP ever said anything like that I would leave him.

Not saying the OP should leave him persay, but his actions are pretty nasty.

[GenomicsGirl]

Honey, firstly, I want to send you some cyber hugs for our heartache right now. I'm so sorry that you are going through this. Secondly, I want to reiterate that this is not how any person should be treated. He is disrespecting you and no one deserves that. Other posters have had such insightful words of advice, and I have none, but I just wanted to let you know that your posts did not fall on deaf ears. I hope that things improve. Hugs again.

[AmberLynn]

I also wanted to share my love.

I have to agree with everyone else here and say the emotional and verbal abuse in UNACCEPTABLE. He is putting your entire family in a chokehold, and your little children do not deserve that whatsoever. Especially your little one who hasn't even gotten here yet.
The physical abuse is appalling. Your poor daughters. It sounds like your step son is learning by example of your DH's coldness and will be unwilling to change as long as his father is as well.

It honestly sounds as if you're doing it alone anyhow.. How much different will it be without him there screaming in your face in front of your children and allowing his son to physically attack them? It's not a healthy environment no matter which way you cut it. I would seek counseling immediately, and ask him to stay elsewhere until he gets his priorities straight. His son is causing more damage than he is for your daughters. Just remember between him and his father that is there only example of men. The long term effects are no laughing matter.
As someone who was physically and emotionally abused I cannot tell you the counseling I had to seek and years of depression and fear I lived in thanks to the wrong people being allowed to dictate human behavior to me.
I wish you strength through this. Your children need it.

[aydensmama]

Many hugs to you! I am sorry you are going through this. I know that emotions are so hard to sort through when you are 7 months pregnant. I hope that something helps to open your DH eye's and heart so that you guys can talk and you can express what you need right now becauase you totally deserve it!

[momoftworedheads]

Huge hugs mama! Noone should have to be treated like your DH and SS treat you!

I am sorry, but it sounds like your DH, SS and you need to go to therapy together, and then your SS needs some individual therapy to deal with his anger and behavior.
He sounds like a very angry child and if his behaviors are not extinguished now, he will continue these behaviors into adulthood.

I am so sorry that your daughters have to be treated like that, he should not be touching anyone! No child deserves to be beat up!

Prayers and hugs to you and your family. I'd write DH a letter and see if you can sit down and have a heart to heart conversation.

Take care,
Jen

[mamadelbosque]

First of all huge hugs. I can't imagine what it must be like to go through all that. Theres no reason in the world for him to be treating you and your children like that. And your SS is abusing your girls. Period. And it needs to stop - choking is no laughing matter. Those are the sorts of behaviors which, if not stopped *NOW* can and often will lead to spousal abuse later on - he'll be the guy in high school that gets into a relationship with a girl, and then the girl wants out but is scared to death to leave him for fear of what will happen to her. Abusing brothers & sisters in childhood is a HUGE redflag for abuse later on. I find it terrifying just thinking about it, tbh.

[Care Lee]

I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. Big hugs.

It scares me to hear that a 7 year old is choking and hitting your small daughters. That is dangerous and completely unacceptable. And you have a baby coming- will he act dangerously toward the baby also? My heart goes out to the SS because it sounds like he is obviously needing some help and some love, but your other children also need to be protected. That also includes being protected from hearing theirr father yell at and treat their mother abusively.

I was in an emotionally abusive relationship for a long time, and it was really hard to leave, however I am really glad that my daughters will not witness me in that relationship any more.

You are hugely pregnant at this point. It is perfectly acceptable to want and need help from your partner. After 6 at night I am sprawled out on the couch with ice water and huge ankles, and I am DONE for the night. I fully expect my man to happily WANT to help me.

Please honor how you are feeling and seek some help for yourself and your family. This really sounds like a dangerous and unhealthy situation.

Lots and lots of hugs and blessings, and I hope things get easier for you.

[guestmama9916]

I've been thinking about you OP and hope you are ok. I wanted to add one last thing - I read that you were seeking counseling from your church which is great but if your church counselor is not trained in helping victims of verbal and emotional abuse, it may not be a good match for you and your DDs. I just want to encourage you to seek help from outside the church from someone trained in this particular area of counseling if you are not being validated and helped by your current counselor.

[Amanda Williams]

No words of advice mama, but I am thinking of you!
I pray that you'll be able to get some of these issues sorted out over the coming weeks. HUGS!

[Coconut Chronicles]

I am so sorry you are having to go through this