Worries about 14mo DD's behavior (long)

[lilempressmommy]

My 14mo DD is my joy but she is completely wearing me out. I'm a SAHM and we're still breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I've always said we'd continue both as long as we both want but DD has terrible nursing manners. I've tried to gently correct her to keep her from tweaking or doing gymnastics while nursing but she just isn't receptive to it. If I try to keep her from tweaking my boob by either gently holding her hand and telling her to stop, she'll cry and she'll pinch harder. If she's biting and I try to remove her from the breast, she'll bite down even harder. (I've had to ice my breast because she's bit so hard.) I'll put her down, tell her that wasn't nice and say she can't nurse because she was mean to Mommy. She'll still climb into my lap and push up my shirt. If I still don't let her, she will scream and throw a fit.

And that's another thing, her fits. I know tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood but I'm so conflicted on what to do. Most mainstream folks say ignoring them is the best thing to do. This just adds fuel to her fire. I've tried talking to her in a calm voice saying, "I'm sorry, I know you're frustrated but doing XYZ isn't nice." She can (and will) keep screaming, holding her breath for a pretty long time. Eventually she'll gasp and start breathing again but she can keep up the fit for an amazingly long time.

DD is generally wary of strangers and it takes her awhile to warm up to people she doesn't know. When DH's parents visited her on her birthday, she wanted nothing to do with them. It boggles me because I have seen her be friendly to people; she can be quite a charmer but it HAS to be on her own terms.

DD has pretty bad manners. She's prone to throwing things as well as grabbing things she shouldn't. We've tried gently explaining to her, "No, we don't take other people's things and we don't throw them" but if she understands us, she doesn't show any signs of it. We have tried to ply her with her toys -- no good, she wants whatever the adults happen to be handling. She also scratches to get attention. We've tried opening her hand saying, "Pat, don't scratch." I've advised my sister and DH to either ignore the scratch or say "Ow, that hurts" and put her in her playpen. Nope, does no good. She keeps scratching.

I know my family and other people who see DD in action are thinking how much of a brat she is. I feel like I've been a bad mother, somehow. I've done everything my instincts have told me to. DD has always been cuddled, her needs have always been met on demand. I've never forced a schedule on her. I've never punished her meanly.

We can't afford a baby sitter. My sister lives with us and will watch DD for an hour or so at a time. Any more than that and she just can't stand it. She's been around her friends' kids of the same age and says she has never met a toddler as demanding, persistent and ill mannered as DD.

I'm ashamed and afraid to leave her with my sister for more than a few minutes because DD is so hyperactive and prone to temper tantrums. I've been a SAHM since DD was 4 months old and I haven't been away from her for more than an hour since then. I NEED a break. I am just so worn out. No one wants to watch her because within an hour or so, she's screaming for me and when I come back, DD gets insanely clingy.

Some advice (or even assurances that you've been there, done that and survived) would be nice right about now.

[sarahr]

I don't have any advice, but felt bad that you didn't have any responses. So, here's a (((hug)))

[mamakah]

No advice, but I'm going through all of the above with my 12 month old. I keep telling myself it is just a stage. I hope I'm right.

[jaxinsmom]

from my very limited understanding of infant/child development everything you're describing is fairly normal. Learning manners takes time and paitence and I don't think your dd is old enough to understand your expectations. She grabs things that are not toys because they are way more exciting (my dd who is 15 months LOVES the our wireless mouse and keyboard, why? because she always sees us using it, therefore it must be REALLY exciting!)

Also, with the acting out (tantrums and scratching) you have to keep in mind that this is her form of communication. Until she can talk and tell you what she wants tantrums and acting out are the only way she can make you understand she's displeased. Also, emotions are huge. Toddlers are run almost completly by emotion -- so tantrums, tears, defiance and all that are normal (albeit frustrating for you!).

The best advice I can give you is to check your expectations. If you expect her to have a tantrum when you're at a play group, then you will have a plan of how to react when one occurs. Also, toddlers may not always be able to communicate, but they understand us when we tell them simple things (ie no biting mommy when nursing, all done) but you HAVE TO be consistant otherwise she'll get confused.
I became very tired of nursing my dd on demand and last month set up firm boundaries that "bubbas only at bedtime" and then I tried to distract her with games and toys. Also, if she's interested in your things, then get intersted in hers.
We have a huge box of megablocks so when she's getting fussy, I get down on the floor with her and start building stuff "OOOOH, Nellah look at this GREAT tower!! Can you hand me the red block? WOW, thanks, look it goes here!" or whatever to distract her. You have the right to an enjoyable breastfeeding relationship -- contact you're local LLL for more advice on breastfeeding techniques to help correct her behaviour.

Yes, you need some time away. Even if it's just for a walk or to do the shopping, or whatever -- your sanity and peace of mind is just as important as your dd's.

Also, I have found that the series of books by Louise Bates Ames, Ph.D regarding child development to have saved me at times with both my kids -- especially when my son was three : I HIGHTLY recommend them (she has one for each year) -- check your local library for a copy of "your one year old" for some perspective.

sorry so long, but couldn't read your post and not write something .

[prancie]

I think you are expecting way too much of a 14 month old. She can't understand what you say to her and you can't expect her to have good manners or act in any certain way. She may be high needs, but that is a different thing totally from having bad manners.

I have a 20 month old high needs very active ds who drives me nutty sometimes. I understand, but at 14 months, there are no good or bad manners, it's just behavior. If you attach a good or bad value to the behavior you limit your ability to find solutions or, if there are no solutions, you only see your child in a bad light.

[jaxinsmom]

Also, please don't misinturpret others *looks or glances* at your dd when she's having a tantrum as criticism or judgement. More than likely they have pity for you!! I remember being at a toy store with my ds who was just over two and he was playing at the Thomas table, and I gave him a warning that we're leaving in five minutes, etc...did the count down, and when it was time to go he literally threw himself on the floor, grasping the trains and screaming bloodly murder.
w.t.f.
everyone there looking at me, I felt so belittled as a parent, until one woman turned to me and said "don't worry we've ALL been there!" and I felt so much better. They weren't judging me, they we're piting me, lol! But, really that's what it is.
When I'm out and I hear a toddler throwing a tantrum ALL I think is "thank god that's not me". Really. We've all been there -- there is no judgement toward either you or you dd, trust me.

[EzzysMom]

My DD is 13 months and she is exhibiting some of the same behaviors, although not to this extreme. I disagree with a PP that she doesn't understand what you're saying. She might not have the impulse control to do what you say, but my DD very clearly is understanding and choosing to ignore me at times (ugh). My suggestion would be to try to ignore bad behavior (removing yourself from the situation when she's hurting you) and promote good behavior. It's also really important (but tiring) to try to watch your daughter very closely for signs that she is getting upset and is about to behave badly and stop the situation before she does. Often times I see she wants attention and that's what makes her act out.

Do you do any sign language with her so she can communicate more easily? I think that helps my DD a lot.

I also try to look at any tantrums as her expressing her frustration (very loudly). I work hard to keep myself calm and nearby, so she doesn't see that she's upsetting me.

Right now I also find that just getting outside helps a bad mood a ton, she's almost never upset when we play outside.

My DD grabs a lot too, so we practice sharing. I also don't grab the toy back from her, because then I've just done what I told her not to do... she's getting good at handing the toy back (sometimes to me instead of the kid, but good enough)

good luck

[K1329]

For me, my kids were most trying at that age. It literally takes a ton of patience to deal with toddlers at that age. Sometimes I would leave my house just to strap ds in the carseat for 30 minutes, listen to music and get a "mini-break" - not have to chase, redirect, stop him from splashing in the toilet, etc. for a few minutes.
That said, the stage does pass. By 2 it seems to get easier, for me, anyway. I would really try to change your thinking about this stage. It's not a sign that your daughter is ill-mannered or a problem child. It's normal development! You may experience it to more of an extreme than most, but, it still sounds normal to me!

Try to remember that your dd, developmentally, probably should not have impulse control at this age. If it looks good, she CANNOT stop herself from going for it.

Find a way to get a break. Can you find someone to trade babysitting with? Can a family member commit to 3 hours a week?

Anything you don't want your daughter to have, move it if you can, move it up, put it in a closet for a few months. It's easier to not have to say no than to fight the losing battle.

That's all I can think of. Hopefully you'll get some more tips. Hang in there! I found 15 mos. the toughest of ages. Now at 2.5 and almost 6 the kids seem like a breeze.

[Romana]

Originally Posted by lilempressmommy

My 14mo DD is my joy but she is completely wearing me out. I'm a SAHM and we're still breastfeeding and co-sleeping. I've always said we'd continue both as long as we both want but DD has terrible nursing manners. I've tried to gently correct her to keep her from tweaking or doing gymnastics while nursing but she just isn't receptive to it. If I try to keep her from tweaking my boob by either gently holding her hand and telling her to stop, she'll cry and she'll pinch harder. If she's biting and I try to remove her from the breast, she'll bite down even harder. (I've had to ice my breast because she's bit so hard.) I'll put her down, tell her that wasn't nice and say she can't nurse because she was mean to Mommy. She'll still climb into my lap and push up my shirt. If I still don't let her, she will scream and throw a fit.

I suggest that you simply remain firm on the things that are not okay because they hurt you or bother you too much to do. Also, give her something else to tweak (rather than your nipple) and let her know that she can play with her nursey toy but she can't touch you that way. My 15 mo ds likes to stick his fingers in my armpits and pinch me and it drives me bonkers. I just cover that up so he doesn't have access.

I would provide empathy and acknowledge her feelings if she has a tantrum because you don't permit pinching or twiddling but remain firm that those things hurt you and it is not okay to hurt someone.

And that's another thing, her fits. I know tantrums are a normal part of toddlerhood but I'm so conflicted on what to do. Most mainstream folks say ignoring them is the best thing to do. This just adds fuel to her fire. I've tried talking to her in a calm voice saying, "I'm sorry, I know you're frustrated but doing XYZ isn't nice." She can (and will) keep screaming, holding her breath for a pretty long time. Eventually she'll gasp and start breathing again but she can keep up the fit for an amazingly long time.

How you handle tantrums is really pretty toddler-specific, I think. My older child had horrific tantrums and still does (at 3.5) although she has better self-control now so it isn't quite so bad. I just tried to react in the way that resulted in the least increased reaction from her. For my child, that meant (at that age) placing her on a safe, soft spot and remaining quiet, watching until she had calmed enough to be held again.

DD is generally wary of strangers and it takes her awhile to warm up to people she doesn't know. When DH's parents visited her on her birthday, she wanted nothing to do with them. It boggles me because I have seen her be friendly to people; she can be quite a charmer but it HAS to be on her own terms.

I don't have a toddler like this, but I think it can be a pretty normal behavior. Sounds like a bit of her personality coming out!

DD has pretty bad manners. She's prone to throwing things as well as grabbing things she shouldn't. We've tried gently explaining to her, "No, we don't take other people's things and we don't throw them" but if she understands us, she doesn't show any signs of it. We have tried to ply her with her toys -- no good, she wants whatever the adults happen to be handling. She also scratches to get attention. We've tried opening her hand saying, "Pat, don't scratch." I've advised my sister and DH to either ignore the scratch or say "Ow, that hurts" and put her in her playpen. Nope, does no good. She keeps scratching.

My spirited older child, who was a high-needs baby, absolutely was not capable of understanding "no hitting" or "no throwing" at only 14 months. Noooooooooo concept of what one might be saying. Even at nearly two years old, she still did not get the concept of "don't throw." Heck, at 3.25 now she says, "But I HAVE to!" when I tell her not to throw things. Pay attention to her cues. If you think she doesn't understand your explanations, I'd bet you're right. It's pretty complicated logic for a 14 month old baby. It took my daughter until she was past her 2nd birthday to develop any sense of empathy or begin to understand that other people could feel pain and that she could inflict it. Took even longer to explain why she shouldn't do that. Not all children will develop emotionally at the same pace - so if you have friends' babies who seem to "get" empathy I wouldn't worry about your daughter not being there yet.

Our solution to the throwing problem was to remove all the hard toys and only give her soft toys for about 6-9 months. It made throwing a non-issue (and no, it did not result in her thinking it was okay to throw things! This was during a time when she was not capable of understanding why she wouldn't throw). When we began to feel that she was understanding us about not throwing, we re-introduced other toys.

I know my family and other people who see DD in action are thinking how much of a brat she is. I feel like I've been a bad mother, somehow. I've done everything my instincts have told me to. DD has always been cuddled, her needs have always been met on demand. I've never forced a schedule on her. I've never punished her meanly.

Well, screw 'em. You know she's not a brat. She's independent and she's a BABY. One cannot expect her to be in total control of herself at 14 months, my goodness. Super-easy 14 month olds with good manners are BORN, not made. I had my daughter first and then a very easy second child. He has excellent manners and even says Please and Thank You at 15 months old. Did I do this? Um, no more than I made my daughter a screaming tearing hellion at 14 months old.

We can't afford a baby sitter. My sister lives with us and will watch DD for an hour or so at a time. Any more than that and she just can't stand it. She's been around her friends' kids of the same age and says she has never met a toddler as demanding, persistent and ill mannered as DD.

What horrible things to say about your daughter, who I am sure is perfectly wonderful in all her own unique ways despite being a challenging little one. I wouldn't use her as a babysitter. Honestly your dd sounds a fair bit like my daughter, and what she needs are people who understand her. I feel that she would be in danger in a stranger babysitting situation, because she can be so frustrating. We were lucky to have MIL and her teen daughter (SIL) live nearby, but at the same time we almost never did any babysitting because I felt no one could really take care of dd besides us. She was too difficult, too dangerous (to herself), and often could only be comforted or calmed by me or dh. Other people would give up when she was freaking out, but we would stay with her and help bring her back to herself.

I'm ashamed and afraid to leave her with my sister for more than a few minutes because DD is so hyperactive and prone to temper tantrums. I've been a SAHM since DD was 4 months old and I haven't been away from her for more than an hour since then. I NEED a break. I am just so worn out. No one wants to watch her because within an hour or so, she's screaming for me and when I come back, DD gets insanely clingy.

Your husband should be helping more so you get a break. I WOH and my dh is a SAHD. He took care of her during the day and he handled night wakings at that age (at least one a night), although I often had to get up too because she would ask for me or because his efforts just weren't working. I took primary care of her from when I got home from work until one of us got her to sleep. On the weekends we shared looking after her. She was and is incredibly time-consuming, but it's much better now that she's older. The ability to communicate much more fully, and her own ability to better control her emotions has made everything much easier (though still very challenging!).

Some advice (or even assurances that you've been there, done that and survived) would be nice right about now.

You'll get through this. I suggest the book "Raising Your Spirited Child" by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka (I think that's her name). It was primarly helpful in showing me that I was not crazy, not to blame, and that things would get better. One important thing to remember is that while a spirited child will continue to present challenges, the challenges themselves will change. Just when you think you can't take a minute more of X behavior, it will fade away and some new terror will be visited upon you. Which you will also get through and then get some new thing to deal with. All the while still getting the glimpses of who your child is going to be and enjoying all the good things about her.

There are LOTS of wonderful things about your daughter. I'm sorry your sister has such a negative view. It shows that she doesn't understand your daughter at all. I find that it's difficult to explain my daughter to other people, so I generally don't - I smile and say something about her being "spirited" or "energetic" or "independent."

The most helpful thing for me was having my son, our second child. He is such an angelic baby (now 15 months) that it has been an immense reassurance that I didnt "do" or "not do" anything that caused my daughter to be the way she is - it's just her personality. I no more made my son the easiest baby imaginable than I made my daughter a super-energetic, sensitive, independent explosion of a toddler. They are who they are. Just keep offering her what she needs, deal with her behavior creatively and on a case-by-case basis, and it will pay off.

Good luck!!

[DeerMother]

Around here it seems that tantrums are non stop for a week or so and then none happen for a while. During the first tantrum week I was totally taken off guard and someone suggested "happiest toddler on the block" by karr or karp? i only read half of it but it seems you are following his suggestions anyway. Signing has helped a lot here. Also, new activities on a daily basis. I put toys/puzzles/books in the closet and rotate them about once a week.

I ditto outside time. DC this age have a lot of energy and play outside where they can run, throw, dig puts them in a better mood for the rest of the day.

When I was frustrated w/ this a few weeks ago, someone told me that about 18 months a lot of this goes away.

We're having nursing issues here too (ds thinks my nipple is a lollipop) so just a hug for you and I there.

Toddlers will sure teach you about patience, huh?

[Yuba_River]

I agree that all of this sounds normal for the age. Hang in there--it will get easier as she gets more language. You might get some good ideas from "The Happiest Toddler on the Block" by Harvey Karp. I didn't 100% agree with everything he said, but there were a lot of useful ideas in there.

[AutumnAir]

She does sound spirited, and very much like my DD, who's now 17 months. I can't say things have gotten a lot better yet, but I'm seeing small glimmers of light at the end of the tunnel.

I've been working on changing my own perceptions and expectations, because I think I too was expecting too much of DD and also comparing her too much and unfavourably to others' babies who were much 'easier'. I try to reframe the things she does as positively as I can, so for example, when she keeps on doing something I've told her a bazillion times not to, I try to tell myself that she's tenacious, determined, curious, etc.

It's tough when your kid is so much 'more' than others' and you can't help but compare yourself and your child unfavourably sometimes. But try to cut yourself and your DD some slack. She was simply born this way - you haven't done anything wrong, and she's not deliberately trying to make your life difficult. In fact, that's my mantra most days - "She's not out to get me, she's just a baby."

WRT going out, I've just resigned myself to the fact that although other kids are fine with being left for a few hours at this stage DD is not. One day I'll get to go out and get a proper break, but it most likely won't be in the next few months. It's tough when all the other moms I know IRL can just leave their kid with a couple of bottles and their DH, mother, MIL, cousin or whoever and head out for a night on the town. I can barely go to the corner shop on my own without finding DD screaming blue murder in DH's arms when I get back 10 minutes later... That's just life for us right now. I don't think trying to push her into independence before she's ready will be productive in the long run, so much as I would love to be able to go out for a couple of hours by myself I'm just going to have to put that on the back burner for the moment..

I second the recommendation for the book "Raising your Spirited Child".

[Code Name Mama]

You have some good responses here, I just wanted to add that you might check out "The Emotional Life of the Toddler," by Alicia F. Lieberman. Another good one is "Unconditional Parenting : Moving from Rewards and Punishments to Love and Reason," by Alfie Kohn.

[Romana]

Originally Posted by AutumnAir

I've been working on changing my own perceptions and expectations, because I think I too was expecting too much of DD and also comparing her too much and unfavourably to others' babies who were much 'easier'. I try to reframe the things she does as positively as I can, so for example, when she keeps on doing something I've told her a bazillion times not to, I try to tell myself that she's tenacious, determined, curious, etc.

It's tough when your kid is so much 'more' than others' and you can't help but compare yourself and your child unfavourably sometimes. But try to cut yourself and your DD some slack. She was simply born this way - you haven't done anything wrong, and she's not deliberately trying to make your life difficult. In fact, that's my mantra most days - "She's not out to get me, she's just a baby."

Yes to all of this!! These days my daughter comes up to me and says, "I have lots of energy!" and I respond, "That's wonderful; you are such a busy little girl!" She feels good about her high energy level and intensity, which I believe is key to helping her channel these traits into something positive. These are qualities that will benefit her in life, though they may be very challenging for her parents to deal with.

[readytobedone]

i haven't read the other replies, but i think people are expecting too much from a 14 month old. the adjective "ill-mannered" should not be applied to a child that young IMO. there is no such thing as manners at that age. there might be better behaved kids, sure, but that's mostly a matter of temperament and not how they've been disciplined.

hitting/grabbing/biting all are normal and, at that age, have nothing to do with manners. my guess is people's reaction (like putting her in a play pen time-out style) is interesting to her and reinforces the behavior. it took me awhile to learn that the more i react to DD's "bad" behavior, the funnier it is to her, and the more she wants to do it.

it is terribly annoying when your toddler does these things. believe me, i know, i have a biter/pincher/hitter myself. but i would try to re-frame it for yourself and others that "she's a baby, these behaviors are age appropriate if unacceptable. we need to gently correct her and teach her what is and is not appropriate behavior, but it's going to take her awhile to learn."

people can't expect her to become transformed into a "well-mannered" little girl overnight.

ETA: i also second the recommendation to start signing with her if you don't already. we started at 14 months and it was extremely helpful in managing her and MY frustration about not being able to communicate verbally. it can take AWHILE for them to really start telling you what's going on, so invest in another form of communication.

and ITA that it is perfectly okay to walk away and not let her nurse when she's biting. it's not a punishment, just you asserting your right to not be hurt. it's good for her to see you doing that. one thing that works here, is i correct ("no biting mama when you nurse. nurse with a wide open mouth!"), let her try again, unlatch her if she does it a second time, then when she freaks out and asks to nurse, i wait like a minute, then ask her if she wants a "second chance" to nurse.

i think sometimes they're just experimenting with cause and effect, and they don't understand the ramifications of their actions, nor the consequence you impose...until it is immediately happening.

[eastkygal]

I just wanted to offer my support to you. I have a very spirited 13 month old with a high temper. She is a people person though... loves action. I'm introverted and calmer, or at least like things to be calm. She is the opposite of DD1 in all ways. She isn't still a minute. I agree with the pps who say that at 14 months old we can't expect much else, so a break would do you good. I know it's easier said than done. We live off grid and I don't get many breaks. It is trying. I'm a very impatient mother. I'm working on it though. My mantra is "this too shall pass".

[sunshinebeauty]

I too have a very spirited 16 month old. She is such a handleful - but she is a pretty good kid.

Our nursing relationship is sometimes strained. She too likes to tweak ym other nipple -however for us this saves me the headache of her doing gymnastics so I let her. We do not do any nursing outside of the house anymore so its not really an issue for us. We are working on other manners though. If I wear a tank top she will try to pull it down and nurse. Basically I just tell her 'no, we don't do that' and then I distract her with something else. It takes a few times but works.

As for tantrums we ignore hers. If they continue for over a minute or so we will try and distract her. I was reading something recently that really opened my eyes to tantrums. Find out WHY they are throwing the tantrum. Most of the time its just a breakdown in communication. At this age they are to young to throw fit b/c they want to be bratty. When you take something away they don't understand why they can't have it. SO what I do is I replace it with something to can play with. Signing has also helped us ALOT.

My daughter has an issue with hitting. When she hits instead we just say 'lets rub not hit'...now she is trying to rub BUT sometimes it still comes as hitting...or a little pat.

I think you have to change your expectations. Understand that a 14 month old is STILL a baby.

Good Luck Momma!

[Disco Infiltrator]

Some really awesome responses here!

My suggestions...

Harvey Karp Happiest Toddler - we used Toddler-ease, a technique in the book, with our son a lot when he was preverbal. It really really worked. He felt heard and we had a tool we could use which helped with the frustration on all sides.

Signing - YES! DS started signing at 13 months and is still signing when he talks at 26 months. It really helps with communication.

Try to not say "don't do that" when you want them to not do something. The concept of "don't" is actually too hard for toddler brains to process. This is a hard one for me.

Lastly, this too will pass and she's still a little baby. Other people and their opinions can just go away (I want to say something much cruder).

[donutmolly]

She sounds normal and wonderful -- don't let anyone tell you otherwise!

Really do check out "the happiest toddler..." -- you will both be happier when you can understand what is going on with her, and what reasonable expectations are for her age.

Check out the breastfeeding beyond infancy board for help w/nursing manners. With DD2, I can say "ouch" and put her down, she gets upset, but when I pick her up again, she usually stops whatever annoying thing she was doing. DD1 was a whole different story, much more high needs, so much more repetition and trying different things to find out what worked for her to correct that behavior. Seriously, figuring out the nursing behaviors can do a lot for your sanity, so I'd tackle that one first. She really needs to nurse, but it doesn't have to hurt or make you crazy.