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WWYD...Neighbor told DS she wants to have SEX with Him!! - Page 4

post #61 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
Yes I can agree with all of the above. Our 5 year old DD also knows about sex and has known for some time. She doesn't flash but I wouldn't freak out if she did. She doesn't play sex with her dolls but I am expecting that and am not peeved by it. The point, however, is that this girl is making adult-like sexual advances. That sends up a major red flag.
THIS is where I am coming from.

There is something that is just not right in this situation. This girl is left to babysit her (BARELY) 2 year old brother outside on a very busy road. There are a lot of red flag behaviors from this family.

I am completely open with my son about sex

Funny story-
When DS was 4 and I first explained sex to him, I told him that a Man puts his penis in a Woman's vagina, and that is called having sex.
He asked me 'how did Dad get a new penis after he put his in your vagina??'
post #62 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
Yes I agree. But still when your child is getting unwanted sexual advances and it is making them uncomfortable it just seems like more should be said/done then "oh it happens". Even for little kids it can be a big deal. I wonder how this thread would be going if it was the OP's son making these advances towards a little girl.

Again it may not be abuse. I wouldn't be surprised either way. But let's not deny her behavior is a sign. I would feel awful if I just brushed it off and didn't keep my eyes open or tell her mom about it conversation (not in accusation) only to find out there was abuse. I'm more worried about the little girl. It's just always a good idea to veer on the side of caution. But no I wouldn't go calling the cops or watching them through their windows or anything.
I toatally agree with this. At first, he just told us that she tried to kiss him. I actually told him 'She is VERY pretty girl, you should be flattered that she tried to kiss you, not embarrassed'
I NEVER would have said that to him if he were a girl...never. I just couldn't even believe myself
post #63 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by averlee View Post
When I was a preschool teacher, the 4,5,& 6 year old kids in my class said stuff sometimes that made my eyebrows raise- "I wanna make sexy with Leanna," "I'm gonna touch your pee pee when you go wee wee," "My mommy was naked and knocked the christmas tree over and broke my santa," "My dog east his poo," "My dad has to sit down to pee sometimes cause he's tired." Or, "don't go in the playhouse, Chase is having sex in there."
But did you ever hear anything like 'Spanking is not okay unless it is adults in the bedroom'?

Because THAT is what seems abnormal to me at this point. A kid doesn't hear that on TV
post #64 of 171
You don't think you'd hear that on TV? It sounds like it could have come off Family Guy to me.
post #65 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
You don't think you'd hear that on TV? It sounds like it could have come off Family Guy to me.
That is EXACTLY what I was going to say!
post #66 of 171
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by mamazee View Post
You don't think you'd hear that on TV? It sounds like it could have come off Family Guy to me.
Well, that is a relief. I hope she did hear it on tv.

IDK, tho, there are alot of red flags going up...including that she is left to watch her brother while he is outside, and he is barely 2. We live on a VERY busy road.
I have found him wandering in MY driveway numerous times, completely alone!
It really worries me that someone is going to call CSD thinking it is MY kid (I have a 18 month boy) and report me. How would I prove that it wasn't my son??
I think it is time to have a little chat with this family. I am scared that I am going to get the girl in trouble, though.
post #67 of 171
It seems like if she were being sexually abused, she wouldn't say "unless it's ADULTS in the bedroom." She'd say, "Unless it's in the bedroom" because she'd include children. I don't know, it really sounds just like a child who watches grown up TV and movies who is playing grown up. It sounds like she isn't well supervised though, if she's left alone to watch a child that young.
post #68 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post
Well, that is a relief. I hope she did hear it on tv.

IDK, tho, there are alot of red flags going up...including that she is left to watch her brother while he is outside, and he is barely 2. We live on a VERY busy road.
I have found him wandering in MY driveway numerous times, completely alone!
It really worries me that someone is going to call CSD thinking it is MY kid (I have a 18 month boy) and report me. How would I prove that it wasn't my son??
I think it is time to have a little chat with this family. I am scared that I am going to get the girl in trouble, though.
We are in a similar situation minus the sex. We have a neighbor boy who is about 5 or 6 and is charged with watching his younger bro who is still in diapers. We live next to a very busy street as well. Once DH was walking out to our car and he saw the little bro wandering in the street. He dropped everything and ran and got him. We live in an apartment complex so he had to get through the gate that is through the parking lot (gate is alway open). The other day the 5 year old was throwing rocks at our house (this was after he threw one and hit a passing car. That wasn't pretty!) and I suggested to DH he go and talk to his parents. DH thought about it for a minute and then said "you know I would but I'm afraid his father would beat him" And he's right It's a tough situation
post #69 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by magstphil View Post
We are in a similar situation minus the sex. We have a neighbor boy who is about 5 or 6 and is charged with watching his younger bro who is still in diapers. We live next to a very busy street as well. Once DH was walking out to our car and he saw the little bro wandering in the street. He dropped everything and ran and got him. We live in an apartment complex so he had to get through the gate that is through the parking lot (gate is alway open). The other day the 5 year old was throwing rocks at our house (this was after he threw one and hit a passing car. That wasn't pretty!) and I suggested to DH he go and talk to his parents. DH thought about it for a minute and then said "you know I would but I'm afraid his father would beat him" And he's right It's a tough situation
That is so tragically sad for all of the kids.
post #70 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post
But did you ever hear anything like 'Spanking is not okay unless it is adults in the bedroom'?

Because THAT is what seems abnormal to me at this point. A kid doesn't hear that on TV
A kid could totally hear that on tv. She could have overheard an adult conversation - or even off-the-cuff flip remark. I know people who say that kind of thing when they're kidding around, and they don't necessarily make sure there are no kids in earshot. I personally think it's inappropriate for little kids to hear, but not everyone censors that carefully (for that matter, I let my kids overhear things that many parents wouldn't...just not of a sexual nature). That particular comment didn't even raise my eyebrows - less than the rest of it, honestly.

And, yes - my reaction would be the same if it were a boy talking to a girl. I've had similar things go on with other kids and dd. And, in at least one instance, the inappropriate comments/behaviour came from the little boy watching Family Guy with his babysitter.
post #71 of 171
The fact that the 2 year old isn't supervised, except by his big sister, bothers me more than any of the rest of it. DD often offers to supervise ds2 outside, and there's just no way. He's almost 4, not 2, but he has no impulse control, and no sense of safety around cars. It's just not going to happen...and I'm more laidback than many about my kids playing outside.
post #72 of 171
My 4 year old DD is a nudist and thinks it's funny to flash her "belly" at a boy, she's thought it up all on her own and it's not sexual for her.....

I'd be much more concerned about the other signs
post #73 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by dubfam View Post
He asked me 'how did Dad get a new penis after he put his in your vagina??'
: Um, is he clear on that now, or is that part of why the idea of sex upset him so much?

And, yes, having now read the rest of the thread, the overall pattern of behavior is concerning.
post #74 of 171
You: Excuse me, but who is watching your children when they play outside?
Neighbor: 5yearold
You: I was afraid of that, this is a busy road and a 5 year old isn't safe watching herself, let alone a 2 year old. I don't want my kids seeing your kids get hurt so you need to supervise them better.

Make it all about the mom not doing her job. Don't talk about the 5 year old not supervising her brother well enough just that she shouldn't be in charge of supervising her brother at all.

But really, if you're worried she'll get beaten for not doing a job she shouldn't have been given in the first place--call CPS.
post #75 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by sapphire_chan View Post

But really, if you're worried she'll get beaten for not doing a job she shouldn't have been given in the first place--call CPS.
It doesn't sound like she will get beaten. Spanking isn't okay, remember? Unless it's adults in the bedroom...

I just wanted to share a personal story, before anyone calls schools or cps or the neighborhood watch. When I was probably about six or seven I "played doctor" with the neighborhood kids. All of us were willing participants (if anything, I was one of the more reluctant kids) engaging in what I now realize is totally normal exploratory play. This went on for a couple of weeks, and took place in a variety of ways, until one of the girls felt guilty and told her mom. My mom was a pot-smoking hippie and poor, and when all of the neighborhood moms got together to freak out about what had been going on, she wasn't invited to the party. Guess who got blamed for the whole thing? Me. They all decided that I was oversexed and probably abused. I became the neighborhood social pariah. They called the school, and all of my teachers, one by one, started asking me if I was being abused by my stepfather. Everyone- the whole town, adults and children- found out. My mom was the only person who assured me that sex play was normal and that she had done it too, and so had all of my teachers and everyone else, and they were just making a big deal out of it because they wanted to point fingers. The experience was so utterly humiliating that I moved to another town and deemed this to be my biggest, deepest, darkest secret until I was in my twenties.
post #76 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by spicyrock View Post
It doesn't sound like she will get beaten. Spanking isn't okay, remember? Unless it's adults in the bedroom...

I just wanted to share a personal story, before anyone calls schools or cps or the neighborhood watch. When I was probably about six or seven I "played doctor" with the neighborhood kids. All of us were willing participants (if anything, I was one of the more reluctant kids) engaging in what I now realize is totally normal exploratory play. This went on for a couple of weeks, and took place in a variety of ways, until one of the girls felt guilty and told her mom. My mom was a pot-smoking hippie and poor, and when all of the neighborhood moms got together to freak out about what had been going on, she wasn't invited to the party. Guess who got blamed for the whole thing? Me. They all decided that I was oversexed and probably abused. I became the neighborhood social pariah. They called the school, and all of my teachers, one by one, started asking me if I was being abused by my stepfather. Everyone- the whole town, adults and children- found out. My mom was the only person who assured me that sex play was normal and that she had done it too, and so had all of my teachers and everyone else, and they were just making a big deal out of it because they wanted to point fingers. The experience was so utterly humiliating that I moved to another town and deemed this to be my biggest, deepest, darkest secret until I was in my twenties.
This is what I worry about. I really don't think anything described here is abnormal. Well, except for the two yr old outside w/ no adult. Definitely stuff that gets picked up from TV. And you know, I don't even think this sort of behavior in any way means that children are too precocious or have lost their innocence.
post #77 of 171
So, I haven't finished reading all the replies yet, but I had to post.

OP, each individual thing/incident you mention maybe by itself could be brushed off especially if you just want to run from it, but put it all together and it's definitely red flags all over the place.

This is how sex abuse happens. It's so very insidious and can seep into our children's lives without us being aware, if we do not pay attention to the oh so subtle signs. Ten year olds having sex? Five years old acting *sexy*??? I would take that seriously, even if it turns out to be nothing more than a mix-up of terminology, better safe than sorry, because sorry in these instances can mean a child has been harmed.

IMO, somebody in your neighborhood is a sex abuser. All it takes is one person to abuse one child. That child will then *teach* other children and so on and so on. What's more is that it doesn't take an *older* adult or child, a younger child that has suffered abuse will pass that *knowledge* onto older children and that is still abuse. How do I know this? This happened in a neighborhood I lived in and one of the little girls that was a victim went on to have sex with other kids in the 4th and 5th grade. That is NOT HEALTHY OR NORMAL.

Even if it has not risen to the level of physical contact, exposure to sexual images or language is abusive because it sets a child up for the next step and the next...:

I felt physically sick reading some of the posts about what is happening in our neighborhoods. If somebody gives you the creeps, please please listen to that voice!! There is a very good reason we get those feelings and it is for the protection of ourselves and our family.

Please do not turn your back on this and pretend it's not there- it won't go away, trust me. All of our children desperately need for all of us to keep a sharp eye out for these kinds of behaviors and see it for what it is. Dismissing it as, oh, it's just an older sibling or older neighborhood child they overheard talking or it's too much tv. There's a reason why you posted beyond having to have that conversation with your lo. It's because this bothered you on a deep level and that little voice inside you is speaking truth- please listen. If we listen to those truths and speak them, it is the only real chance we have to successfully combat abuse.

ETA: You don't necessarily have to call the school or cps, but I would listen and watch very carefully so you can protect your son. If you haven't already, I highly suggest reading Protecting the Gift.

Also, a lot of people dismissed what was happening in that neighborhood I mentioned because the signs were very similar to what the OP describes and sort of under the radar. But the end result was many, many children being hurt and no one listening for a very long time. There is a difference between healthy age-appropriate sexual information and children exhibiting sexualized behavior such as the OP has described.

And, spicyrock, do you know for certain that none of the children involved had been abused and instigated it? Because what you describe is often a common way for sex abuse to spread among children. It would also be very common for the child that was abused to be pointing the finger at someone else and saying quite loudly it was you and not him/her.

Once more edit: my apologies for being so lengthy and verbose.
post #78 of 171
I agree that any ONE of the things described would not having me freaking out...I mean, I remember playing "house" as a child...its just ALL the things together that bother me - the fact that she watches her 2 yo brother alone is icing on the cake...I mean, REALLY? A two year old? Any one of them might be something someone elses child here has done, etc....but all of them together, taken into consideration at once...I would still be uncomfortable and worried about this girl.

Maybe it's nothing....but then, I wonder, when I was growing up, how many teachers, neighbors, etc saw in ME the sure signs of something not right at home...and brushed it off with "maybe it's nothing"? I don't know, all I know, is that it took until I was 16-17 for CPS to come to our home. My step dad moved in when I was eight. Do the math. There is no way, that at some point in time, SOMEONE didn't notice that something wasn't right. It's always something, that makes it easy to brush it off...in my case a charming mother and desirable lifestyle....for this girl...what? I'm not saying she's definitely being abused...maybe she's not. But maybe she is...she sure sounds to me lik e*something* isn't right.

As many of you who say this is normal....I jsut can't believe that it is. House, is normal for young kids...exploring bodies, being sexually curious...that is normal. This little girls situation doesn't seem normal to me.

Again, I would defer to those mamas who do have five year olds...because I think they are much better judges, but I'm disheartened to think, that this is what I have to look forward to in four years...my DD flashing people her chest, propositioning boys in the nieghborhood for sex acts and explaining that "spanking is for adults only - in the bedroom". Dressing sexy and strutting around like a model - I mean, REALLY, is this REALLY what I'm going to be looking at, in four years time? Because you guys keep saying "it's normal, it's normal..."
post #79 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by jeminijad View Post
What would you consider to be possible signs of sexual abuse, then? Precocious sex play is considered to be one by professionals.
I don't think any of the things mentioned here constitute "precocious sex play". They sound like normal 5-year old things to me, and things my own (never abused) daughter might say or do. There are lots of explanations for this little girl's behavior that don't involve her being treated in appropriately, and I think it's ridiculous when people jump to the most shocking conclusion with little evidence.

I do agree that she shouldn't be left to supervise her younger brother if they're not in a safe area, but that's the only concerning thing in this entire post.
post #80 of 171
Quote:
Originally Posted by Storm Bride View Post
How so? The OP has mentioned sexual poses, which could mean anything, and yesterday I saw three little girls, including dd, "posing" in a fashion that would usually be considered provocative in this culture. She also mentioned raising her top for some other kids, which was not uncommon when I was a child, and I doubt it's disappeared. She also mentioned the "I want to have sex with you" comment, which could, again, mean almost anything.

I'm honestly not seeing the red flags here that others are.
I'm with Storm Bride on this. I have two girls.
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