Signs that you have an attached child????

[sisteeesmama]

I have been trying since before I had my sweet dd to do everything in my control to make us a VERY attached family. To me that even meant UC because we would be together, unattended, alone to enjoy the experience and no one there to interfere in the natural process.
Well, from the beginning my plans have been foiled. I had the baby at home, had the UC I hoped for, but I also transferred to the hospital at my husbands insistance for retained-placenta. Also ended up in the hospital for several days instead of just a few hours and my daughter was not ALLOWED in the room, they would have allowed her to be in the nursery under "observation" but we declined and I was away from her in a very obviously crucial time, the first days of her life. I have mourned this and have accepted it.
However it did affect our nursing relationship from the beginning and it never really got off the ground. We worked at it for several months, some days were better than others, but after months of trying and pumping and a few horrible nursing strikes I gave up. I have not gotten over this, but I am working through it.

So.....
I guess my confidence about attachment has been eroded and I am wondering what signs you would look to to indicate that we are indeed an attached family so that I can see where it's working and where we need work.

Thanks so much for reading this!

[milkmamamerina]

The signs would vary by age. How old is your baby? What have your experiences been with other attachment practices aside from breastfeeding?

[sisteeesmama]

Thanks for asing, I think I lost my way when posting that thanks to my little fairy, here.....ahem...

She is 19months.
We held her ALL the time unless she was in some sort of sling. We co-sleep. We are 100% GD, no yelling, no spanking you get the drift. We respond to her cries immediately and with compassion. We lisen to her, give our best to being understanding of her moods and are very easy going with her.
We try to parent from a place of respect and understanding.

The things that make me feel bad:
She loves her bottle and her blankie and wants them all the time, a lot of the time without us holding her.
She has always been very independent and I can't seem to discern where the independence is just personality and where it may have been put on her with out my awareness, but ultimately by myself or her dad.
My husband is very loving, a great and very supportive father, but absentmindedly pushes independence ie: feeding herself, bathing herself, soothing herself with her blanket and bottle.....all while he is right there and yes I do ask him not to.

I guess thats it, more questions would be welcomed as I can't seem to wrap my brain around what I need to be articulating!

[AllyRae]

Attachment doesn't mean she is completely dependent on you at all times--that can actually be a bad thing...an overly enmeshed attachment style, which is not exactly a healthy attachment. Your little one is heading up on 2 years old and it is completely and utterly age appropriate for her to have a separate comfort object, to be getting independent in eating and soothing, etcl. She does have to have those skills because eventually, even the most attached children are away from their parents.

I think you're doing everything you can do in terms of AP, etc. Unless she's showing signs of an attachment disorder, or if she didn't look to you for comfort or to have some needs met, I don't think I'd worry too much. At that age, looking to you when she's in an unfamiliar place (even if she runs ahead), letting you hug and kiss her (and even asking for them), etc. can be signs of a healthy attachment. Even being independent can be a sign of a healthy attachment because she knows you will be there and are keeping her safe, so she feels safer to explore her surroundings and boundaries without fear of you disappearing.

[River's mum]

nak

Take it easy on yourself; I'd say you're a very attached family.

[octobermom]

I had a hospital birth (planned due to pre existing medical conditions) nursing wasn't as succesfull as we hoped and DD recieved both breast and bottle we coslept for maybe 7 months and my infant HATED being worn but LOVED her swing and stroller. Nw at 6.5 shes announced mom I can't do it all and I'll be fine on my own. I consider us VERY attached. Why? Because we are we have never bottle fed to assure a baby would not rely on my breast for comfort we never stopped co sleeping to assure her independance we never signed up for a hospital birth so someone else could watch the new born. and we never placed our child in a swing so she would learn to self sooth we jsut followed cues did what worked best for us. In exchange we have a very secure independent child who trusts we will be there whos confident and VERY attached.

Deanna

[holyhelianthus]

A child having independence isn't against AP. As a matter of fact I think it shows that your baby has confidence in herself and her parents because of what you have done :

[octobermom]

My husband is very loving, a great and very supportive father, but absentmindedly pushes independence ie: feeding herself, bathing herself, soothing herself with her blanket and bottle.....all while he is right there and yes I do ask him not to.

umm why? I wouldn't say give my 19 month old huge chunks of food and a sharp knife leaving her to figure it out, I wouldn't leave them in a bath alone or expect a crying child to self sooth ect but your DD is 19 months shes is growing and independance is VERY much part of a great attachment. Showing her how to use her spoon to scoop up her cereal is great showing her how shes can rub soap on her tummy great giving her skills to know if I feel I need to calm I can (amoung many other things) find my blanket and botttle and those can help me feel better ect are all SUPER important in fostering attachment.

Deanna

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by octobermom

umm why? I wouldn't say give my 19 month old huge chunks of food and a sharp knife leaving her to figure it out, I wouldn't leave them in a bath alone or expect a crying child to self sooth ect but your DD is 19 months shes is growing and independance is VERY much part of a great attachment. Showing her how to use her spoon to scoop up her cereal is great showing her how shes can rub soap on her tummy great giving her skills to know if I feel I need to calm I can (amoung many other things) find my blanket and botttle and those can help me feel better ect are all SUPER important in fostering attachment.

Deanna

The whole point of childhood is for our children to learn how to care for themselves and to grow emotionally. AP isn't about doing everything for them but teaching them these things and nurturing them in a more attached loving way. Doing everything for your child is a major disservice, IMO. It's not attachment then it's crossed the line to fostering dependence.

[limabean]

I agree with everyone else -- attachment and dependence are two different things, and while I strive for attachment I certainly don't want my kids to be completely dependent on me. My goal is to guide my kids toward becoming self-sufficient, self-confident, independent adults. Me doing every little thing for them is not going to get them there, but will completely hinder their personal growth instead. I know some grown children of parents like that, and they were woefully underprepared for adulthood and really struggled with it for years.

Also, IMO, showing independence can be a sign of security -- your DD knows that you and your DH are always there for her, so she feels comfortable striking out on her own a bit. That's a good thing!

[Litcrit]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

Thanks for asing, I think I lost my way when posting that thanks to my little fairy, here.....ahem...

She is 19months.
We held her ALL the time unless she was in some sort of sling. We co-sleep. We are 100% GD, no yelling, no spanking you get the drift. We respond to her cries immediately and with compassion. We lisen to her, give our best to being understanding of her moods and are very easy going with her.
We try to parent from a place of respect and understanding.

The things that make me feel bad:
She loves her bottle and her blankie and wants them all the time, a lot of the time without us holding her.
She has always been very independent and I can't seem to discern where the independence is just personality and where it may have been put on her with out my awareness, but ultimately by myself or her dad.
My husband is very loving, a great and very supportive father, but absentmindedly pushes independence ie: feeding herself, bathing herself, soothing herself with her blanket and bottle.....all while he is right there and yes I do ask him not to.

I guess thats it, more questions would be welcomed as I can't seem to wrap my brain around what I need to be articulating!

I haven't read the other replies, but:

Mu daughter spent a week in NICU. On the 4th day I was allowed to breastfeed her three times a day for 15 minutes. This went on until she was 10 days old. Then we could go home.

She still nurses 3-4 times a day, will rarely go to sleep without me, snuggles most of the time, demands A LOT of lap time - at 2 years 6 months old. She also sucks her thumb, though she has always been nursed on demand and would die if she didn't cosleep. And cries her eyes out if we say 'Please, honey, try not to...'

I never went to NICU. My parents say I just loved my crib from day 1, never had a pacifier or sucked my thumb, never even liked being cuddled, was just very independent from the moment of my birth. I mellowed a bit when I grew up enough not to have to be moving all the time. Then I allowed cuddling.

I strongly believe it's a personality thing.

[ahimsa_in_action]

Originally Posted by magstphil

A child having independence isn't against AP. As a matter of fact I think it shows that your baby has confidence in herself and her parents because of what you have done :

:

I was very much like you at one time: had a UC so that it would ensure the maximum amount of bonding time, planned on co-sleeping, child-led weaning, ECing, everything possible for the highest level of attachment. Soon after my son was born he had to be taken to the hospital for various reasons, and I stayed home during that time (he was gone for several hours) because I couldn't really get out of bed. It was very hard on me because I felt like I had failed him...everything was supposed to be "perfect", you know? And since it didn't go perfectly, does this mean he won't have a healthy attachment to me?? I had a lot of guilt over that, that took me awhile to heal and forgive. As he's grown older I have become more and more aware of the healthiness of his attachment to both me and his dad, which can basically be summed up by the quote I copied above. He's neither too attached nor under-attached...he doesn't cling to us nor does he run away and want to "do his own thing" at the drop of the hat (he's 2 and a half now). He values his independence, but he also really loves to be held, cared for and nurtured. I like to call it an interdependent relationship for it's neither co-dependent nor completely independent. He knows he still needs us in some ways and he's okay with that, but he's slowly becoming his own person. I think a major issue with mainstream parenting is that little kids are pushed to be like grown ups before they're ready. This often creates the clinginess and/or fierce independence you see in kids.

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by octobermom

umm why? I wouldn't say give my 19 month old huge chunks of food and a sharp knife leaving her to figure it out, I wouldn't leave them in a bath alone or expect a crying child to self sooth ect but your DD is 19 months shes is growing and independance is VERY much part of a great attachment. Showing her how to use her spoon to scoop up her cereal is great showing her how shes can rub soap on her tummy great giving her skills to know if I feel I need to calm I can (amoung many other things) find my blanket and botttle and those can help me feel better ect are all SUPER important in fostering attachment.

Deanna

I haven't finished reading all the answers, but wanted to respond to this.
It's not that I don't want her to find her own independence or even that I don't want to teach her independence, but to me it is important that if there is the possibility that she would like to be cuddled/craddled when laying down for her nap that we offer and instigate that. If she is in the tub I want him to take advantage of the time when she is little and appreciates having companionship for that type activity....etc........make sense?

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by magstphil

The whole point of childhood is for our children to learn how to care for themselves and to grow emotionally. AP isn't about doing everything for them but teaching them these things and nurturing them in a more attached loving way. Doing everything for your child is a major disservice, IMO. It's not attachment then it's crossed the line to fostering dependence.

But she is only one (and a half)......I don't want her to independent yet. There is plenty of time for her to be doing those things on her own, she is still a baby and I want her to treated like one when it is appropriate.

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by ahimsa_in_action

I think a major issue with mainstream parenting is that little kids are pushed to be like grown ups before they're ready. This often creates the clinginess and/or fierce independence you see in kids.

I think this is my fear, that my husband has been doing this for quite a while and it is fostering independences to early when we should still be enjoying the baby time with our little one year old that should include eating up all of the moments we still have to hold her, snuggle her do things for her before she really is to old for all that and we have moved into new phases that don't include these activities........hope that makes sense.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

But she is only one (and a half)......I don't want her to independent yet. There is plenty of time for her to be doing those things on her own, she is still a baby and I want her to treated like one when it is appropriate.

She may still be a baby but that is when they really begin learning and utilizing independence. 1.5 is no longer an itty bitty helpless infant. She *wants* to be independent and for good reason- it's the end goal. There may be plenty of time for her to *be* independent but now is the time for her to learn and put it into practice. Trust her!

I think you need to ask yourself if you are parenting this way for you or for what is best for her.

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by magstphil

She may still be a baby but that is when they really begin learning and utilizing independence. 1.5 is no longer an itty bitty helpless infant. She *wants* to be independent and for good reason- it's the end goal. There may be plenty of time for her to *be* independent but now is the time for her to learn and put it into practice. Trust her!

I think you need to ask yourself if you are parenting this way for you or for what is best for her.

I think maybe I just have a different outlook on what is healthy developmentally than you do. I agree that it is good for her to the age appropriate opportunitys to be learning these things, but to me there is nothing wrong, and more impotantly everything right, with still continuing to do some of these things for her, like holding her when she is falling asleep. IF she was breastfeed and liked to go to sleep while feeding she would still be being cradled and held at that time. We bottlefeed on demand and I have tryed to make it as much like the breastfeeding relationship as is possible and in my mind that includes still requiring that she be held to feed. To me that is a positive thing and I'm not just doing it for myself.

I don't think you meant that in a rude way, but it does offend me because I think fundamentally we just look at it different, not that I am some weirdo mom who is trying to keep her baby from naturally developing. And I do think there is a fine line, I am just trying to find that happy medium and not wanting to push her ahead of herself.

[holyhelianthus]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

I think maybe I just have a different outlook on what is healthy developmentally than you do. I agree that it is good for her to the age appropriate opportunitys to be learning these things, but to me there is nothing wrong, and more impotantly everything right, with still continuing to do some of these things for her, like holding her when she is falling asleep. IF she was breastfeed and liked to go to sleep while feeding she would still be being cradled and held at that time. We bottlefeed on demand and I have tryed to make it as much like the breastfeeding relationship as is possible and in my mind that includes still requiring that she be held to feed. To me that is a positive thing and I'm not just doing it for myself.

I don't think you meant that in a rude way, but it does offend me because I think fundamentally we just look at it different, not that I am some weirdo mom who is trying to keep her baby from naturally developing. And I do think there is a fine line, I am just trying to find that happy medium and not wanting to push her ahead of herself.

But the things you listed are things I do myself with my 1.5 year olds. I am by no means suggesting you quick BFing or holding her close often or co-sleeping, babywearing, etc etc. Maybe I am understanding you wrong here. I am simply saying that if there are areas where she is advancing why not? Furthermore she doesn't have to be held to feed *every* time. She doesn't have to nap with you *every* time.

I understand that you don't want to push her ahead but if she is moving on then you can be holding her back by wanting to stop her exploring her independence, ykwim?

And no I didn't mean to be rude

[sisteeesmama]

YeahI know you didn't mean to be rude! This is an obviously sensitive issue for me, probably because from a mainstream perspective(my mom, family, some friends) I get no support for my choices......

[Magella]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

She loves her bottle and her blankie and wants them all the time, a lot of the time without us holding her.

I think this is totally normal for a child with a healthy attachment to her parents. Most kids have some kind of lovey. This is no indicator that there is anything wrong with her attachment to you, or your attunement to her.

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

has always been very independent and I can't seem to discern where the independence is just personality and where it may have been put on her with out my awareness, but ultimately by myself or her dad.

Independence does not mean poor attachment. I would chalk this up to personality. Some kids are more independent than others. I had one toddler who had to be glued to me at all times, one who loved to cuddle a lot and loved to play near me but wasn't such a velcro child, and one who spent time absolutely content to play on her own much more than I had expected a child her age would (and she still does enjoy her independent time--and in fact has to have some time to herself during the day to relax). I have two who from a young age were just so motivated to "do it myself!" and one who still at age 7 would prefer we do things for him. Independence can be a wonderful, confidence-building thing if the child is ready for it.

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

husband is very loving, a great and very supportive father, but absentmindedly pushes independence ie: feeding herself, bathing herself, soothing herself with her blanket and bottle.....all while he is right there and yes I do ask him not to.

I think this is okay, provided these things aren't turning into huge power struggles. My kids enjoyed feeding themselves well before the age of 19 months, and we actually encouraged that. It is possible to encourage a little healthy independence without pushing a child beyond what they're ready for. And while I certainly did cuddle mine to sleep at that age, when dad put them to bed it was a little different with a little less cuddling--and it was fine. I think it's important to note that any two parents will differ somewhat in their parenting style, and I think that's okay provided you agree on the major issues. And I think you can enjoy your child as a little one even as you encourage a little independence sometimes.

Above all, I wouldn't worry so much. I think that the key to healthy attachment is simply being attuned to your individual child's needs, so that you can meet those needs (but remember, it's to possible to be perfectly attuned to your child's needs 100% of the time--parents are only human). And while I am no expert, I think I'd look at it like this: Does my child trust me? Does she come to me for help? Does she look to me for guidance? Is she comfortable in her environment, and seeking out the independence kids her age typically seek? Is her development going well? Does she seem basically happy/content? Yes? Then we're doing okay.