Signs that you have an attached child???? - Page 2

[honeybee]

I was ff and have a secure attachment to my mom. Despite mainstream parenting styles, 75% of children are securely attached.

[sisteeesmama]

Thanks to everyone, I do feel better.

The thing that most struck a chord with me, and sorry I don't remember who wrote it, was about moms and dads parenting in their own way and that being ok. I guess I was coming from a mind-set where I thought that if we didn't do it the same then DD would be confused ornot take either of us seriously or something, but now I think maybe it is more about control for me and I need to learn to let it go and let DH have his own style, he loves and cares for her and tries very hard to be a good supportive daddy so I need to back off and let him do it!

Thanks so much for all the responses!

Can you tell this is coming from a first time mommmy? LOL!!!!

[seaheroine]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

But she is only one (and a half)......I don't want her to independent yet. There is plenty of time for her to be doing those things on her own, she is still a baby and I want her to treated like one when it is appropriate.

I do think it's normal for babies to start asserting themselves in areas, like a pp said. My DD enjoyed using a spoon and feeding herself from about 12 months...sometimes I'll swoop little bites in here and there but she enjoys feeding herself. Same with brushing her hair and teeth -- I always do the "thorough" job for her, but not until after we've brushed our teeth and hair together in the morning. She loves to imitate whatever it is I'm doing and is very adamant about doing it herself!

I'd consider us very strongly attached. I EP'd for about 14 months, so she was bottlefed too, and she is also attached to her blanket (her "Bee") and bottle...she'll often lie by herself contentedly...sometimes she gathers up her blanket and points at the rocking chair when she wants to be snuggled. She's also independent in the bath -- I wash her hair and body but afterwards she spends a good fifteen minutes imitating washing, squeezing out a rag, etc. while I just watch.

I think it is quite a bit about following cues, too. My baby is usually pretty easy to understand when she wants something to change in a situation. I try and respond gently to all of her cues, we still co-sleep (though she usually wants to sleep about a foot away), etc. I don't usually hold her while she eats unless she gestures/complains that she wants some physical closeness. FWIW, she's 17.5 months old.

I agree with the other posters about independence, initiated by baby, is a good thing and a sign of a healthy attachment. I'd be concerned if my baby wasn't displaying her desires for space from me, you know? It makes me feel more confident that she is a happy, loving and attached baby that she has a desire to explore her world. It sounds like your family has been doing great. I'd trust your daughter as she is displaying her experimentations with independence.

[erinsmama]

Sisteemama-I had the same concerns as you

I am a first time mama too!

I have an 18 month old very independent daughter. She has been since she was born- he he (I'll explain later). I, like you nursed her & co-slept. We practice GD & are very responsive to her needs.

I held my daughter a lot as an infant. In fact, I think I held her too much & she wanted a little more freedom to move her limbs. She refused to be swaddled or slung - she would cry & cry. In fact, I then bought one of those bouncy seats- which she was too small for even (I tucked blankets around her) & she was happy as can be watching me do everything.

We can't even co-sleep anymore. She doesn't want to! We have a crib for her & she walks up to it when she's tired & puts her arms up & I swear to God, we never let her cry it out!

I think we have ourselves some independent babies!

[Elizabeth2008]

Originally Posted by sisteeesmama

The things that make me feel bad:
She loves her bottle and her blankie and wants them all the time, a lot of the time without us holding her.
She has always been very independent and I can't seem to discern where the independence is just personality and where it may have been put on her with out my awareness, but ultimately by myself or her dad.
My husband is very loving, a great and very supportive father, but absentmindedly pushes independence ie: feeding herself, bathing herself, soothing herself with her blanket and bottle.....all while he is right there and yes I do ask him not to.

You should not feel bad about any of this! I do agree, that dependence on a pacifier or blanket sometime result when children are not securely attached to parents. But that is not always the case. Also, independence is a very good sign and actually a sign that she IS securely attached. Insecure children who have extreme difficulty separating from parents, often are that way because they don't have absolute trust and confidence in the relationship. And again, encouraging self help at her age is a good thing, as long as parents are involved and there to help if they get frustrated. They still have a strong need to be held and physically comforted, but for things like eating and eventually getting dressed, they have an internal desire to do things like that themselves and it gives them a sense of self satisfaction when they do. A lot of parents don't let their kids "feed themselves" at the table because they are controlling or worried about messes. The messes can be cleaned up - kids enjoy experimenting with doing things themselves.

[Snuzzmom]

Who cares if what she's doing is "against" AP? You're raising a child, not a parenting philosophy. I think people get WAY too hung up on whether or not they're AP or CC or whatever other thing. These are all GUIDELINES to help you parent and to do what is healthiest for your child.

Unfortunately, children don't read these books or know anything about these philosophies. If you're doing what you think is best, and she's resisting and wanting more independence... well, there you go. You can folllow the philosophy or you can follow your child.

ETA Just to soften all that a little... the point is, it sounds like to me you're doing fine and she's thriving. I wouldn't worry so much about labelling it all.

[sisteeesmama]

Originally Posted by Snuzzmom

Who cares if what she's doing is "against" AP? You're raising a child, not a parenting philosophy. I think people get WAY too hung up on whether or not they're AP or CC or whatever other thing. These are all GUIDELINES to help you parent and to do what is healthiest for your child.

Unfortunately, children don't read these books or know anything about these philosophies. If you're doing what you think is best, and she's resisting and wanting more independence... well, there you go. You can folllow the philosophy or you can follow your child.

ETA Just to soften all that a little... the point is, it sounds like to me you're doing fine and she's thriving. I wouldn't worry so much about labelling it all.

I agree with this, after reading all of the reassurance I have been able to step back and see the situation for what it really is, I think before I couldn't see the forrest for the trees, y'know?

[Materfamilias]

I think the key is that the independence is baby's idea, as some posters have said. That it's not forced on them or even encouraged necessarily.
My 10 m.o. DD is very independent -- she lets us know when she wants down, she wants to feed herself almost all the time (she accepted my putting blueberries in her mouth today, shocking!), she motors around the house very confidently -- but she also comes right to me when she's upset, tired, hungry; she must sleep with me or she won't sleep (she's snoozing on my lap right now); she must have me and only me when she's tired. I think she's fine and very attached (she was EBF til 9 months, carried everywhere still, co-sleeps, etc).

[jlobe]

Independence does not mean poor attachment. I would chalk this up to personality. Some kids are more independent than others.

:

The fun part about 19m is you start to really see their little personalities shine through. Their individual needs start to come out a bit clearer and our understanding of their needs becomes a little murkier. As traumatic as those early experiences were, it sounds like your daughter has alot of confidence and security to begin to make herself and her preferences known.