Child spacing

[babygrace]

i have been wondering what would be an optimal spacing period between siblings. for those members with older/younger siblings, what was your experience like WRT the age difference between you? it seems that bonding/closeness is a factor with children with wider age differences.

[smallmama]

I have 3 siblings - brother 18 months older, brother 3.5 years younger, sister 4.5 years younger. My older brother and I fought like cats and dogs our whole childhood and we still are not close at all as adults. I mean, we get along at holidays and everything, but we don't talk directly to each other outside of our parents' house. My sister and I got along ok until she was old enough to start stealing my clothes (middle/high school?) and then that was a big issue. Now, we're friendly - she helped a lot with my son when he was born and sitll babysits when she's in town - but she's made a lot of life choices that frustrate me (DUI, dropping out of college, moving around to follow boyfriends) so we're not best buddies. My younger brother, though, is pretty awesome. He lives far away so we video chat online a lot and he's always just been really sweet and a lot of fun.

So, in my case, the spacing really was never a factor as much as the personalities at play. My brothers really are each other's best friends and they are 5 years apart.

[holyhelianthus]

My sister and I are 8 years apart and neither of us like it. We would have liked to be closer because for so long we just could not connect and we both felt like only children.

[My3guys]

I don't know that there is "optimal spacing." I think each family just evolves the way it evolves and finds its own rhythm. There are so many pros and cons to each spacing algorithm and so I think you just go with what feels right to you at the time. There are also so many variables that impact how kids get along...gender, age, interests, personalities...that you can't really plan for it.

My three boys were all born within the same year. Really, really crazy and very, very difficult in the beginning. However, they are now the best of friends and do everything as a gang. On the flip side, we did the entire baby phase in the blink of an eye and never got to really experience it fresh with each kid. On the other hand, my DH and his youngest brother are 13 years apart and couldn't be closer. So, go figure.

[philomom]

My college textbooks on child development tell me that optimal spacing is three years for brightest, well-adjusted children. Because of all the close, loving attention given to the infant by the primary caregiver.

That said, my second was an 'oops" baby... so mine are 24 months apart. They were like my little salt and pepper shakers, a matched set. They also got along famously until puberty hit the first.

My sister and I are just a year apart with very different personalities. It was very tough to share a room with someone you didn't like and who didn't like you. And my mother was no help because she would say" I always wanted a sister". I don't think my sis and I said one kind word to each other until we were 20 years old.

[mama_mojo]

Depends on your your home runs, the temperaments of the children, and so on.

My sister is 3.5 years older than me, and we were not close growing up. I admired her and detested her by turns according to different phases. Now, we are completely different, and we are EXTREMELY close.

My brother is 12 months younger than me. We played alot growing up, but started fighting around the time I was 12. We never figured out how to connect. I find him impossible; he finds me... dumb.

My own children all get along so far, but I know how much that can change as they get older. Even the friends they have can influence how close they are. We'll see.

FWIW- my kids are 2 and 3 years apart. The two years was hard the first year, but since then has been great. The thre years is okay; it's just that the older ALWAYS bosses the younger. Maybe that will change as the younger heads into middle childhood.

[holyhelianthus]

I also agree that it is different for each family and each situation (and each personality). I agree that there probably is no such thing as "optimal" anything- at least in the "one size fits all" way.

My first two are 2.5 apart and they get along ok but my second and third are 14 months apart and are the best of friends. They even sit on the couch to watch TV and cuddle and hold hands while doing so. This can change as they are still very very little.

[GEEKLOVE]

i have 5 siblings.
growing up i was closest to my younger sister who is 1 year younger than me.
we were the best of friends until we hit high school and had different groups of friends.
now that i am older my older sister and i are the best of friends and she gives me amazing advice.
she is 10 years older than me but we are so similar.

my daughter is 7 now.
i think this is the perfect time to have another child.
my daughter is so ready for a sister and really wanting to help out with a baby.
she is such an awesome kid!

[ashleyhaugh]

my ideal was 3-4 years apart... now dh and i are divorcing, i imagine that age gap will be quite a bit bigger since ds is heading quickly towards 2

[Peony]

My sister and I are 24 months apart, not close by any means. I think a wider spacing would of greatly benefited us. Dh and his bro are 7 years apart and much closer. My kids are almost 4y and 2.5y apart, we'll see how they like each other as adults.

[confustication]

DD is 7 years older than DS. DS will be 13-14 months older than the next.

I'm convinced that somehow my exploring both extremes I'll have an answer- someday- you know, after I get out of the padded room.


Honestly, I don't think there is an optimal spacing- a lot of people say 3-4 years, but with my family, that would have been torture... that was dd's most difficult time.

[MamaRBH]

I agree with PP's saying it's different for different families.

I am the middle of two sisters. Our ages now are 34, 30, and 25. I fought a lot with both sisters as children. My little sister was very nurtered by my older sister with the large age gap between them. I attribute this a lot to the fact that my parents both worked full time and we spent a lot of time alone together without adult guidence. We really could have used more adult nurturing. Now, however... we're all quite close...but I am especially close to my little sister, and her to me.

My children are 7, 5 and 3. They fight constantly right now. I'm doing my best to work on helping them with communication. I try to stay out of the arguments unless there are very unappropriate things being said or someone is hurt. If they tattle, I remind them to communicate. They still fight constantly. People tell me it's because their ages are close....they like the same things, so fight over them....they think they know more than the other, but usually don't, etc. People tell me they will be great friends as they grow. People aren't always right... which is why I don't really take what they say to heart. All I know is that I will do my part to guide them as individuals who respect and love their family, friends, fellow humans. With any kind of luck they get along because of that guidence - not because they're close in age.

I'm rambling... sorry.

[Drummer's Wife]

Originally Posted by confustication

Honestly, I don't think there is an optimal spacing- a lot of people say 3-4 years, but with my family, that would have been torture... that was dd's most difficult time.

totally. When my kids have been 3 and 4 yrs old, parenting them is been much more challenging than when they were 2 yrs old. I'll take the "terrible two's" over a 3 yo any day... especially when you add a newborn into the mix.

Mine are all about 2 yrs apart (23-25 mos) and it has worked out really well.

[RunAround]

Originally Posted by babygrace

i have been wondering what would be an optimal spacing period between siblings. for those members with older/younger siblings, what was your experience like WRT the age difference between you? it seems that bonding/closeness is a factor with children with wider age differences.

Deciding how to space siblings is fun, huh? In the end, I think the best spacing is the one that allows the *parents* to remain somewhat sane. I think the temperament and needs of those already in your family are more important than the spacing. The relationship between your children will depend on many different factors, spacing being a more minor one. (IMO - seriously, all the drivel I compose in these here parts are just my ideas/opinions/yada, yada)

Our children are spaced rather closely because we truly didn't expect to get pregnant on the first try. It's good for them (so far), but mostly because their personalities compliment each other. (And, they are both boys, so they have stick chuckin' and trash trucks in common.) Having them this close in age was pretty horrible for my husband and I during the first 2 years, and we both agree we'd never do it again, the close spacing.

Just a different perspective. I'm the oldest of 5, widely spaced due to remarriage, and am closest to those I have more in common with.

[benj]

i don't know about "optimal spacing" but i have 8 siblings, and there is no typical spacing between.

my sons are 16 months apart.

[Jojo F.]

We have DS- 6yo now and DD- 4 1/2 months.

To begin with, DS is amazingly sweet to begin with and is VERY emotionally connected to everyone, he can just 'sense' people. He *ADORES* DD, it is so sweet If he hears her crying he'll run up to see what is wrong & tell her not to worry because he will always be there for her. She answers back by stopping crying and smiling at him I realize this may not be everyone's experience but, 5-6 yrs is a good gap for us. By that age they know how to be gentle, have sympathy for others, and are also capable of being a BIG help while #2 is tiny.

Although, I must admit, while I was in the middle of a very colicy newborn stage, I felt bad I wasn't able to spend the same amount of time with DS. We talked and talked about having a new baby, remenicsed about when he was little, looked at pictures/videos, and I truly do wish I could have DS as a baby all over again, he's getting too big The 6th birthday was a big one for me, a major change.

Anywho, sorry to get OT and nostalgic, 5 1/2 is a great gap for us.

There is also the belief that a woman's body needs a certain amount of time to recouperate between births, healthwise. If a woman has babies very close together her body has not had time to build up it's stores of nutrients to build a new baby and sustain her properly. Obviously babies CAN be born VERY close together but, it is not seen as healthy or wise.

[becoming]

I would have liked to be closer in age to my sister. We are 6 years 2 months apart, and it felt like we were on different planets most of the time we were growing up.

[Amylcd]

My sister and I are 5 years apart and have never been close.

My older girls are 15 months apart and are more like twins - they want to do everything together.

[Hokulele]

My brother is almost three years older than I am and my sister is six years younger.

I think in terms of siblings getting along it depends on so many factors - gender, temperament, how the parents are, what the kids friends are like... so much. For us I think the three year difference was a good one - but he and I often lived in different cities, so hard to say there. Whereas the six years between my sister and me was just too much. Too far apart to be friends, too close together for her to see me separately enough not to have rivalry. Again, though, I think this was grossly affected by the way my parents were towards us.

My girls are exactly three years apart and that is the absolute farthest apart I wanted them.

Now, spacing of kids for the parent's well-being. That's a different issue...

[A&A]

My kids are 5 years apart. For my sanity, I needed that much space. They play well together, most of the time.