I hit my 3 yo tonight

[MovingMom]

UGH! What a nightmare bedtime was tonight and then I made it worse by hitting my 3 yo dd. I don't know what comes over me, but when she lashes out at 22 month old ds and hits him, my first reaction is to hit her the same way. I just fill with rage and protectiveness toward him b/c he is the baby. This is not the first time this has happened. It's just like a primal instinct in me and it just happens so fast, I can't stop it. I swore after the last time that I would never do it again, but here I am - I did it again. Of course, she cried and said I hurt her really bad and I tried to explain that it hurts me to see her hurt her little brother, etc etc. She's probably learning the behavior from me, her own mother! How do I stop this? There's no excuse for it, but honestly, it only happens when I'm at the end of my rope, home alone, tired, frustrated. I've been a single mom for 2 weeks now - dh is out of town and it is killing me!
I have the NVC book and several others - but who has time to read? I'm exhausted at night!
How do I make my first instinct to "hit back" go away?

Thanks.
and please no judgements - I already feel guilty enough.

[transformed]

I did the same when my ds was 3. : Your heart willtake a while, but it will heal. and hers will too. I just want to send love to you.

[kdegroo]

oh mama, i've done the same thing. today i yelled at dd in a way that if i saw someone else do i would think it was abusive...

we aren't perfect and you aren't alone.

[AngelBee]

[Blu Razzberri]

I had this problem too, but it wasn't because my (at the time) three year old was hitting a younger child, it was just my ingrained reaction and I was poorly armed with solutions for the situations I was in. Anyways, there's a book called "The No-Cry Discipline Solution" (Author: Elizabeth Pantley). It's wonderfully written. If you can't find a copy at your library and you can't afford to buy one, at the very least, take a trip down to the bookstore and quietly read page 227 to p230. HTH!

[tjlucca]

I did it too. DD was in the throws of a HUGE tantrum. I was trying to get her in her car seat, she was kicking and hitting. She kicked me in the face and slapped me across the face. I snapped and hit her back. I had a mitten on and barely hit her, but felt HORRIBLE about it. I felt like I didn't deserve to be her mother. It happened so fast, the whole scene was maybe 30 seconds. I told her what i did was not okay and that I was very sorry. I just snapped.

Give yourself time to heal Mama. You will. She will too. There are two Amino Acid supplements, GABA and Glutimine. Together they help to calm the nervous system. and break down Cortisol (stress hormone) in the blood stream. This combo has provided much relief for me. Hugs to you Mama.

[Dukey25]

Since you already know your trigger I would think now about how you will respond next time.
I yell too much and while it is a process I try to plan my responses before hand and I find that helps. I am also more aware of things like being tired and hungry that makes me more likely to respond poorly.

[Violet2]

Is there any way to put them to bed separately?

Or talk to your 3yo before bed time ritual starts and remind them hitting is not acceptable?

And it's time to put in a video and take a break during the day. Or get a babysitter or mother's helper--You need a break and this should be part of the solution to preventing another episode. Don't put your emotional reservoir last, put it first, because the better you feel, the better you parent.

Hang in there momma.

V

[pauletoy]

Forgive yourself mama. Tomorrow is a new day.

[water]

Originally Posted by tjlucca

I did it too. DD was in the throws of a HUGE tantrum. I was trying to get her in her car seat, she was kicking and hitting. She kicked me in the face and slapped me across the face. I snapped and hit her back. I had a mitten on and barely hit her, but felt HORRIBLE about it. I felt like I didn't deserve to be her mother. It happened so fast, the whole scene was maybe 30 seconds. I told her what i did was not okay and that I was very sorry. I just snapped.

Wow, I was just coming to post this exact story. My 2nd child was maybe 3 months? I was getting DS (3yo) in the car seat and he was hitting and kicking me and slapped me in the face over and over and I slapped him back. Of course the whole time DD (3 months) was screaming and screaming because she hated the car...I feel your pain, sorry.

Walking away is the only advice I can give. Even if they follow you, even if they are screaming and you feel bad about it, you need to disengage. Come back in a few seconds to a few minutes and deal again, walking away again if necessary. Of course I have not always taken my own advice either, but I try really hard to.

[koalove]

oh mama, i dont know how to tell you to go about making sure that doesnt happen again. it happens to the best of us. i know that anger response you are talking about. i feel it when ds hurts me. i have slapped his hands/feet when he hits or kicks me. it makes no sense. im about to have a new babe and im scared i might react aggressively when and if ds hurts the babe. i think its normal to physically protect your child~ and what to do when the one hurting your baby is your other baby? i dont know. you have your plate full right now. just resolve to try again tomorrow. hugs!

[prettypixels]

: I'm sorry. I struggle with anger and the desire to slap/spank/smack/yell myself. The best thing that I have found that works, is to plan ahead. Do you know when her worst times of the day are? Mentally talk yourself through it. "I know my child will be cranky and tired and lashing out, so let's keep the baby occupied somewhere else out of arms reach for a few minutes while she settles." Something like that. Or even just talking to yourself about how you will respond when she lashes out at your 22mo. You already know she will do it, and you know how you have responded in the past, so you can tell yourself to do differently in future.

It's a journey, a struggle, and you are not alone!

[rabbitmum]

...

[KimL]

Maybe you need to visit someone about anger managment issues? I'm not being flip at all... there are many wonderful counselors out there to help you find a balance with aggression vs discipline. Also, please remember that SHE is also your BABY!

[transformed]

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

Her hitting her little brother is a completely different issue that needs to be addressed in some other way - she's a child and you're a grown-up, so her hitting him and your hitting her are two completely unrelated things.

children can have instincts but adults cant? Enlighten us.

I would focus on the fact that hitting actually hinders the process of discipline, and not on the fact that other AP'ers are horrified about it.

Stick with the true facts of the story.

[rabbitmum]

...

[GradysMom]

I'm always a mess when my Dh is away and do stupid semi psychotic things too.
It is just hard, for me dh is a stabilizer, hard to explain, he is like camomile...

Drink some calming teas, share them with kiddos who miss daddy too. Try to take yourself out for a semi selfish treat... something that can include the kids like getting dessert out... where some of that work falls on someone else...
get on the Phone and talk a long time with someone close, sibling, friend, or Dh... and take a nap when they do if you can....

Strive to fill your tank... but also, don't back off too much..in that the hitting she does needs to stop, maybe you can sit with her and talk about how hard it is for you to control the implse so you can understand how hard it is for her to control it, but that both of you need to work hard to stop doing it... become a partner in learning impulse control with her.

Best luck

[transformed]

Originally Posted by rabbitmum

Am I wrong, or are you being a bit snarky in saying "enlighten us"? I don't know what's that all about.

A three-year-old is a small child, whereas a grown-up is responsible for her own actions. Most three-year-olds hit other people, hitting others is not "age-appropriate" for grown-ups.

Excusing one's own wrong actions by saying to oneself that they're instinctual can be an effective hindrance to gaining control, that's all.

Since you picked my post as the one to quote, I assume that I am the person that you think is horrified? I'm not. Everybody makes mistakes. And of course other people's opinions shouldn't be the motive not to hit a child.

Hitting a child would be wrong even if it were the best discipline tool in the world.

No, I was not being snarky - I really do believe it could be instinctual and I believe that there are other theorys out there than just one for why someone would hit someone else.

Its not really completley directed at you. Its also directed at the energy that "OMG this is so awful and that poor kid!" you can feel it around these posts.


What I see a a bit of an issue is that people who AP instantly often jump to the "OMG horror" place with others and dont treat the other adults with the peaceful kindness that they want to have idealized in their parenting. This creates a conflict.

Your last statment is your opinion - I am not saying that I do not share it because I do but I get kind of sick of how peoples opinions get posted as "fact" It is not a fact.

People need to be loved, not reprimanded. Children as well as adults. For every child who is hit, there is also an adult with an inner child that needs to be nurtured.

[Danielsmom]

Originally Posted by transformed

No, I was not being snarky - I really do believe it could be instinctual and I believe that there are other theorys out there than just one for why someone would hit someone else.

Its not really completley directed at you. Its also directed at the energy that "OMG this is so awful and that poor kid!" you can feel it around these posts.


What I see a a bit of an issue is that people who AP instantly often jump to the "OMG horror" place with others and dont treat the other adults with the peaceful kindness that they want to have idealized in their parenting. This creates a conflict.

Your last statment is your opinion - I am not saying that I do not share it because I do but I get kind of sick of how peoples opinions get posted as "fact" It is not a fact.

People need to be loved, not reprimanded. Children as well as adults. For every child who is hit, there is also an adult with an inner child that needs to be nurtured.

I agree with this. I also think that when adults reach a certain level of exhaustion (the OP said she's been alone with the kids for 2 weeks), we adults can have diminished impulse control. To me, the urge to protect a younger child when an older one is hitting her/him IS almost instinctive. It is hard to see a younger child being hit by an older one.

I've recommended a book on anger management many times. When Anger Hurts Your Kids. It is a great book based on cognitive behavioral management.

But to the OP, I understand it may be hard to find the time to read an entire book right now! So, right now--one of the best points in the book is about how to minimize stress in your life. How to take care of yourself. Are you getting enough sleep? any sleep? Can you give yourself a break at that "witching hour"--bedtime-- and put on a video? Or maybe a cd of lullabies or classical music and slow dance with the kids? Or put the kids in the tub together with some lavender scented oils and then get in there with them and sing silly songs?

It would be ideal if you could plan a break for yourself, without the kids. But that may not be possible. The times my husband has been away, or working late, I have planned fun things that I enjoy doing, but I have included the kids. Not just things the kids like, but activities I truly enjoy. Nature hikes, storytimes, get togethers with friends.

HTH.

[Kindermama]

Check in with your Self. Breathe......focus on your breath, calm your belly, then ACT. Separate your children. Hug your little one and take your older one on your lap and says something along the lines of "Are you feeling angry? You really wanted the toy that Baby wanted? or whatever the case may be" Just validate. First validate your own Self!