Conversations with a 3YO about death

[ginadc]

Bear with me, this may be long...

Last November, my mom died after battling dementia for about five years. She was 73. She lived, as my dad still does, in the midwest where I grew up. We had visited there a bunch of times with Annika, who's now 3, and once before her death with Adrian, who's now 15 months. Annika was obviously nowhere near as close to her as she is to DH's parents, "Grammy and PopPop," who live 90 minutes' drive away and who are 15 years younger. But she did know and love her Grandma.

So when we went back for the funeral, we knew we had to tell Annika what had happened. She's too smart not to pick up on how upset everyone was, not to mention just plain wondering where Grandma was.

We are not at all religious and do not believe in any sort of Christian notion of heaven or afterlife. So we basically explained to her that Grandma was very old, and she had lived a long and good life and been very happy, but her body finally got too tired and worn out to go on working, so it stopped working. She died, and we wouldn't be able to see her anymore after the funeral. We explained that when a person dies, what makes them the person they were isn't part of their body anymore, and they don't eat or sleep or breathe or walk around or feel things anymore. We told her that even though Grandma died, we could always feel her with us when we remembered her and talked about her and told stories about her.

She went with us to the funeral and the viewing, and did really well. She was fascinated by the "bed" Grandma was in, and gave her kisses more than once. At one point she said, "Wanna tickle her!" to which we explained that that would not be a good idea.

Okay, so fast forward to now, six months later. Annika does not seem traumatized by the whole event, but she does still talk about it a lot. She'll say, sometimes prompted by a conversation and sometimes at random, "My grandma died. I'm sad." We'll acknowledge that and say that yes, it's sad that she died and we miss her and we're sad too. We'll talk about things she did with Grandma and tell stories--she loves to hear that Grandma gave her bottles as a baby (we have a picture of mom giving her a bottle when she was about 2 months old) and sat with her when she played the piano. She'll talk about that a lot.

What's harder is the questions she asks about where Grandma is, specifically. Tonight she got really particular about it: "Where my Grandma now? How she get out of that bed with the pillow?" I'm just not quite ready to explain cremation and burial to a 3-year-old ... honestly, I think telling her Grandma's body got burned and the ashes buried in the ground would be more than she could handle.

So I explained to her again that Grandma's not really in her body anymore and it doesn't do anything anymore. Wildly enough, she came up with something not that far off of the truth: "She's all squishy now? Like she have no bones?" (Annika is fascinated with bones, and more than once has suggested that if she got a really bad boo-boo she could see her bones. Anyway, we've explained to her that without bones, our bodies would be all floppy and we couldn't stand up.) I said that it was sort of like that, and when we died our bodies eventually became part of the earth again. She asked if it was yucky, and I said maybe some people thought it was yucky but it was really just how the cycle of life worked.

Then she said, "Let's pretend I going to die!" I managed not to have a coronary over that one, and said, "No, honey, that would make me too sad." She said, "I just pretending!" I said "I know, but it would make me too sad even to pretend about."

That's about where it ended for tonight. I'm just wondering...are we handling this okay? Does she seem to be handling it okay? How have other people dealt with this? I told DH that maybe I should have let her go ahead a little with the "let's pretend I'm going to die" game just to see what she was thinking, but it was just so viscerally painful that I couldn't.

I swear, sometimes I wish we were religious so I could give her a nice comforting story about how Grandma went to heaven and is watching over her and will be waiting for her, but we don't believe that and I don't believe in lying to kids.

Insights, anyone?

[IceyTheBatmom]

I am really grateful I haven't had to experience this with a young child (so far, DS's great grandma is very close with him, and getting on in years), so I really have nothing as far as advice or insights, but your daughter does seem to be extremely stable and have a very good grasp on the things you've told her without coming to a ton of weird misconceptions the way toddlers usually do (in all reality it's usually due to grown-ups not explaining well enough).

[ahimsa_in_action]

It sounds like you're handling things really well...you're doing the best you can with it all, and it sounds like she's been able to process it, at least on some level.

As far as giving her comfort, how about asking her where she feels her grandma has gone? Little kids often will come up with a story or just go with their feelings...maybe she'll feel she's "close by" (whatever that means) or she's "far away". If you can help her make it a little more tangible then that might help to. I'm not religious, either, so I'd probably have my child come up with their own explanation, if I felt it might help...

[Devaskyla]

Sounds like you're doing well. I would let her pretend if she still wants to. I know it might be hard for you, but kids work things out through playing, even things like death. Maybe especially things like death.

You said you tell her you're sad too, but has she seen you being sad? I wonder if that might help her at all.

[jlobe]

Kids play as a way of processing what they are unable to understand, and wanting to play dead is her way of processing what happened and what she doesn't understand. Death is hard for all of us to understand. My first pregnancy ended in a stillbirth at 20 weeks. when my daughter was older she noticed momentos we had and asked about them and we told her about her older sister. That has become incredibly important to her.... she wants to see the momentos, asks for the story, and talks about her sister. For me it's gratifying how vibrant that "memory" is for her. The other thing I noticed is that the concept of death is disturbing because we make it so. She seems relatively undisturbed by the idea, is just trying to understand it. It's my own discomfort with it that makes me uncomfortable with the conversation. I just hope that by talking about it in a constructive way, maybe she will have a more open and accepting attitude toward death and grieving than I do.

[egoldber]

Our second child died when my odler DD was 3.5. So we have had to talk to her about death and dying a lot.

So I explained to her again that Grandma's not really in her body anymore and it doesn't do anything anymore. Wildly enough, she came up with something not that far off of the truth: "She's all squishy now? Like she have no bones?" (Annika is fascinated with bones, and more than once has suggested that if she got a really bad boo-boo she could see her bones. Anyway, we've explained to her that without bones, our bodies would be all floppy and we couldn't stand up.) I said that it was sort of like that, and when we died our bodies eventually became part of the earth again. She asked if it was yucky, and I said maybe some people thought it was yucky but it was really just how the cycle of life worked.

Then she said, "Let's pretend I going to die!" I managed not to have a coronary over that one, and said, "No, honey, that would make me too sad." She said, "I just pretending!" I said "I know, but it would make me too sad even to pretend about."

These are all really normal behaviors. It was very hard for *me* to listen to her play "dead baby", but this is a normal way for children to process death or any other major event. I would be concerned that telling her she can't play pretend about this takes away a major way that most children process.

As for the million and one questions about dead bodies and what happens, I hear you. Again, this is a very normal part of the process. One book I really like is When Dinosaurs Die, by Marc Brown. It answers lots of the common questions that children have about death in simple, child appropriate ways. He also talks about what various cultures believe about death and afterlife (or not). We are also not religious, but she knew enough from books and TV and other people that others are and so we needed to be able to say "Well, some people think ....., but mommy and daddy don't believe that, we believe ..... instead."

[Apple Girl]

I think you are handling it well, and that kind of play is very normal.

I know this isn't quite the same as a family member dying, but our dog was hit by a car this Christmas. We are religious/spiritual, so we told DS that Maggie had died, which means we wouldn't see her again on Earth, but her spirit is playing on wherever it is that sprits go, so we will hopefully see her again. DS still asks about her, often out of the blue he will say "I miss Maggie." I usually reply something along the lines of, "I miss her too, and wasn't she a wonderful dog?"

He also was there when we heard what had happened, and we used it as a teaching moment for him to not run in the road, and keep an eye out for cars, which sometimes don't see short people or animals. Now, when he says prayers as night he usually includes "Take care of Mommy, and Daddy, and DS2, and Keep all doggies out of the road."

[KristaDJ]

It sounds like she has a very normal healthy understanding of it for her age and that you've explained it quite well. I think your instincts are right on with what to tell her and what not to and you should just keep answering her questions how you feel is right
I'm sorry for the loss of your mom.

[ginadc]

Thanks, everyone. Jlobe and egoldber, I'm so sorry to hear of your losses.

I really appreciate all the perspective. It did seem to me that her inquisitiveness and interest in talking about it regularly was pretty normal, but it's good to hear that she seems to be processing the idea of death in a fairly healthy manner. (And that we're not mucking it up too badly!)

The two things that threw me last night were the asking to play that she was going to die--which makes perfect sense now that I think about it, but totally threw me for a loop when she said it--and the asking how grandma got out of the "bed." (I don't think I'm ready to explain cremation just yet.) Her preschool teacher said simple answers are often best, so instead of a grand explanation next time, just say something like, "She doesn't. She doesn't need to anymore." And I'm sure she'll ask about pretending she's going to die again--she doesn't usually drop stuff like this--so next time, I'll just let her go with it and hear what she has to say.

I've ordered When Dinosaurs Die, along with The Fall of Freddie the Leaf and The Tenth Good Thing About Barney, which were also recommended to me.

This mommy stuff ain't for the faint of heart!

[majormajor]

sounds like you're doing a good job to me too. our family hasn't lost anyone since DD was born, but this winter she asked my mom about her father (he died about 20 years ago). my mom explained that her father had died a long time before she was born (my mom is the best person to talk about death. she has a very healthy attitude about it, and has always treated it as a very normal thing. i wasn't planning on this kind of thing coming up with my mom, but it worked out). anyway, DD kind of freaked out. she automatically asked if her papa was going to die, if she was going to die, and said she didn't want any of us to die. it was heartbreaking. we went with the "you don't have to worry about that for a long time," which felt a little bit like a cop-out but i didn't want to give her too much at once. i also explained what our family believes about heaven, which you'd think would make this kind of thing easier but doesn't seem to.
this touched off a few-months long phase of anxiety about being separated from us and about death in general. i tried to not let her anxiety cause me anxiety because i knew she would pick up on that, but it was really difficult. you're right when you say not for the faint of heart!

so anyway, sounds like you're doing much better with it than we are. lately DD hasn't been talking about death, but i'm sure it's going to continue to be an issue for her. i so wish i could make it easier.