Grandfather saying no too much....

[roxemama]

My 14 month old is definitely entering a new world of more complex wants and needs. At home, our time is precious because I work so I try to say no or some version of it minimally and we just do the distraction technic if she's playing with something she should have. If I say no, it's immediate tears so I try very hard not too. My issue is that her grandparents watch her during the day and her grandfather is much more strict than we are. It is very frustrating to watch him say no to her all the time and my DD gets very upset. On the other hand, they do so much for us like moving to be closer to us, CD, cooking dinner and free babysitting, so I don't want to overreact or be too critical. However, watching him say no or some version of no to playing with the remote or wanting to go on the patio because someone is out there is a little too much for me because DD gets upset and will cry. Then when I'm there it's mommy to the rescue. If I'm around, I do point out that and correct his technics. They don't let her cry it out but it's difficult for me working and knowing she is getting upset perhaps more than if she were with me. Basically, should I just let her GP's teach her these boundries or ask them to loosen up the reins and give them specific instructions? If its the latter, what are those instructions? Thanks for your advice. This is a new area of parenting for us.

______________________________________

Mama to Maya 3-25-08 ::::, DH Paul

[TinkerBelle]

I mean this gently, but what, exactly, do you want them to do? This is their home, correct? They are not spanking or screaming at her, correct? Are they otherwise, loving grandparents?

Boundaries are good things. IMHO, the younger you learn that you cannot always have your way and what you want, the better off you will be.

A little crying never hurt anyone. From what you said, they are not letting her sob and wail for hours on end. She doesn't like to be told "no". So she cries for a bit.

It sucks to hear your child cry, but you are not going to prevent all crying or upset. That is unrealistic. I understand that you feel that you want your limited time with her to be happy, not in a state of upset. But, she still needs to have boundaries, even at home.

She will get over it. Let them deal with her. Unless they are being abusive, let it go.

[Marsupialmom]

I have to agree with tinkerbelle. She is a toddler she is going to get upset a lot. It sounds like they are trying to set boundries they need in their home.

[mum21andtwins]

Originally Posted by roxemama

However, watching him say no or some version of no to playing with the remote
Basically, should I just let her GP's teach her these boundries or ask them to loosen up the reins and give them specific instructions? If its the latter, what are those instructions? Thanks for your advice. This is a new area of parenting for us.

Have you sat down with them and discussed what you want for your child and why you want it. have you tried to find out why the no is bothering you? The remote for example could be put away where she can't see it so the negative situation won't come up.
I think at 14m/o its ridiculous to have bounderies she can't understand for the sake of having a boundery. So find out where the no situations are and find positive solutions to them so that It has little or nor negative effect on her.

If I had to put *my* child into someone elses care I would be clear on what I expected.
I realise that they are doing you a huge favour by babysitting cooking etc but then she is your child and you are responsible for her upbringing. I would not freak out over it but do my best to enable the gp's to be as close to my expectations for my child as I possibly could

Originally Posted by TinkerBelle

I mean this gently, but what, exactly, do you want them to do? This is their home, correct? They are not spanking or screaming at her, correct? Are they otherwise, loving grandparents?

Boundaries are good things. IMHO, the younger you learn that you cannot always have your way and what you want, the better off you will be.

A little crying never hurt anyone. From what you said, they are not letting her sob and wail for hours on end. She doesn't like to be told "no". So she cries for a bit.

It sucks to hear your child cry, but you are not going to prevent all crying or upset. That is unrealistic. I understand that you feel that you want your limited time with her to be happy, not in a state of upset. But, she still needs to have boundaries, even at home.

She will get over it. Let them deal with her. Unless they are being abusive, let it go.

There doesn't have to be spanking and screaming for a parent to disagree with the way her child is treated. it is her child and no matter where the child is cared for (ie in their own home or someone elsses) I think she is perfectably justified to bring her discomferts up with the gp's and try to find a solution that works for everyone involved. She made no mention of wanting to prevent all crying or upsets. Your post to me reads as just suck it up and stop being a baby but then it is all text and hard to read intend.

[Mama.Pajama]

Originally Posted by roxemama

However, watching him say no or some version of no to playing with the remote or wanting to go on the patio because someone is out there is a little too much for me because DD gets upset and will cry. Then when I'm there it's mommy to the rescue. If I'm around, I do point out that and correct his technics.

______________________________________

Mama to Maya 3-25-08 ::::, DH Paul

So this is your dad? If it was my dad, I wouldn't hesitate to gently explain to him how I feel about saying "no" all the time, albeit phrased carefully. I would communicate using strictly "I" statements, and in the most non-threatening/confrontational way you can manage. You could even just drop hints here and there, if an actual sit-down conversation sounds too dramatic.
You could suggest that for every "no", give her a "yes". For example, "You may not bang on the window (i.e. the window is a 'no-no'), but you may bang on this pot (i.e. but this pot is a 'yes-yes')!"

But this is their house, and they do have the right to put boundaries where they see fit. It sounds like they are loving grandparents, but they just don't do things exactly the way you do. IMO, I don't think the way they grandparent (i.e. saying no more than you do) will cause any harm to your LO.

Sorry you're having to worry about this!

[K1329]

So this is your dad? If it was my dad, I wouldn't hesitate to gently explain to him how I feel about saying "no" all the time, albeit phrased carefully. I would communicate using strictly "I" statements, and in the most non-threatening/confrontational way you can manage. You could even just drop hints here and there, if an actual sit-down conversation sounds too dramatic.
You could suggest that for every "no", give her a "yes". For example, "You may not bang on the window (i.e. the window is a 'no-no'), but you may bang on this pot (i.e. but this pot is a 'yes-yes')!"

I agree with this. I don't know your family history, but, in my family dad was working when we were kids and is only now dealing with small children as a grandparent. You could certainly give him some tools/ideas. He really might not know what else to do and appreciate it. Often a "no" can be phrased in a positive way. Rather than "no, don't open the fridge" he can say "can you close the fridge; let's keep the fridge closed" Maybe not the best example, but you get the idea. Also, you could talk about redirection as a technique used with toddlers.
I, too, would phrase everything in a noncritical way, and state that these are tools you're finding helpful and you thought might help him. 14 mos. is a challenging age!

[TinkerBelle]

Originally Posted by mum21andtwins

Have you sat down with them and discussed what you want for your child and why you want it. have you tried to find out why the no is bothering you? The remote for example could be put away where she can't see it so the negative situation won't come up.
I think at 14m/o its ridiculous to have bounderies she can't understand for the sake of having a boundery. So find out where the no situations are and find positive solutions to them so that It has little or nor negative effect on her.

If I had to put *my* child into someone elses care I would be clear on what I expected.
I realise that they are doing you a huge favour by babysitting cooking etc but then she is your child and you are responsible for her upbringing. I would not freak out over it but do my best to enable the gp's to be as close to my expectations for my child as I possibly could






There doesn't have to be spanking and screaming for a parent to disagree with the way her child is treated. it is her child and no matter where the child is cared for (ie in their own home or someone elsses) I think she is perfectably justified to bring her discomferts up with the gp's and try to find a solution that works for everyone involved. She made no mention of wanting to prevent all crying or upsets. Your post to me reads as just suck it up and stop being a baby but then it is all text and hard to read intend.

Nope. Not meant in that way at all.

I realize that the OP is a new mom and nobody likes to hear their baby cry. However, I also realize that boundaries are important.

Like with the remote; some people don't care if their kids play with them. The grandparents do. It is their property and if they don't want the baby to play with it, they can tell her "no" and put it away.

I just don't think that being told "no" is a terrible thing. I mean, if it is constant, "no no no no no no", then yes, please discuss and come up with some other way, or find a new sitter if they won't agree. But, just because the grandparents might tell the baby "no", a bit more than Mom does, doesn't mean that the child will be scarred for life.

[mnj77]

It's hard to criticize free babysitters! My mom watches DD one day a week (so admittedly, it's easier for me to let things go) and is generally excellent with DD, but I have seen her get kind of shrill with the NOs and she definitely does not take criticism well! If I confronted her she would probably tell me to pay someone to watch her if I want to be so controlling So I took kind of a backdoor approach. I said something like:

"I've been reading about different styles of discipline, and one of the most popular these days sounds kind of crazy, but I've been trying it and it really reduces my and DD's frustration and cuts down on the meltdowns. You try to frame things positively rather than saying no all the time, and instead of saying no, tell her what she CAN do. I know, crazy right?"

Then I did lots of modeling the behavior. I've totally seen my mom trying it!

[Mama.Pajama]

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[roxemama]

I really appreciate everyone's insight into this situation. I'm sure you can understand it's difficult to hear excessive no's to your child even knowing its coming from a good place. Tonight I only saw them briefly,so it didn't come up. I'm not one who can hold things in for long so I think I will gently address it when I see it and think its excessive. I just want her to have a balance and I'll address that as well. A yes for every no is a good suggestion. At this point, I'm not ready for a sit down discussion but I'll do some reading and prepare for one in the very near future. I want my child to have a more positive disapline approach. I couldn't ever say anything to my mom as she does so much and I feel her "no's" are always appropiate. It's my dad who goes overboard. At home, our experiences are definitely more positive as I would classify DD as an easy child (so far).

[meemee]

mama i am writing as the mom of a 6 year old who misses her gpa a lot. he died last year.

gparents are v. v. special people. remember your child will have discipline from you.

remember your child is getting used to a different style. it will serve her good.

i would say leave it alone. she will get the discipline from you. let others do it their way.

i am a single mom and dd's dad disciplines in a way that does not suit her at all. however she is ok. and she has learnt to live with it and still love her dad unconditionally. your dd is learning for somepeople some stuff is ok for some not so. she is learning other people have different styles.

even with my mom i keep my parenting needs to safety issues only. she bugs me but my dd loves her to bits so....

[CarrieMF]

Would it bother you less if she didn't cry when they said no?

When you're not there & they say no, does she cry? She may be crying when you're there just because you're there but during the day it may not bother her.

In what ways are your mom's no's appropriate but your dad's no's aren't?

[roxemama]

Originally Posted by CarrieMF

Would it bother you less if she didn't cry when they said no?

When you're not there & they say no, does she cry? She may be crying when you're there just because you're there but during the day it may not bother her.

In what ways are your mom's no's appropriate but your dad's no's aren't?

Yes, it would definitely bother me less if she didn't cry and listened; but she cries and doesn't "do anything". I think she cries the same if I'm there or not. She doesn't cry every single time but its often. It bothers me that he says no to things that aren't a big deal like eating a blueberry off the floor or playing with the dogs toys. I feel like there are different ways to take the dirty toys away without making her cry. I don't want to cut him up because he does spend alot of time with her but if I just want the best for her. My mom doesn't say no usually unless its a safety issue. That is the stage I am at now too - I'm more about teaching her how to be safe and if she's playing with something she shouldn't I'll give her something else to play with (and no tears).

[roxemama]

So I decided for now to let it go. I am still going to do some reading on gentle discipline as it will benefit the entire family.

[mnm4242]

What a difficult situation. I would say let it go, but then again, they are watching her A LOT. I think that is the difference. She is your kid and you should have a say in how she is disciplined, even if the babysitting is free. I would just find a way to word what you want to say gently and perhaps let go of some of the ideas you have, just so you can meet in the middle. They should understand as long as you word it correctly. Make sure you are very appreciative to them when you approach them.

[BetsyNY]

That's a tough one. I've come up against something similar in my own family, but I'm not dependent on them for free babysitting.

Maybe just suggesting redirecting and distracting...that worked fairly well for my sons at that age. If she likes the remote, there are many "toy" remotes out there, toy cell phones, keys, all those things that are captivating to toddlers. It's yard sale season as well; those things can all be acquired pretty easily. Demonstrate the "look, honey, this is YOUR remote, play with this one;" see if they pick up on it.

[octobermom]

Its good thing to learn and understand the dynamics behind a childs way of learning that using too many Nos becomes hard because thinking in the negitive is hard for little ones.. Its great when we can playfully parent avoid tears and still accomplish our boundries.. yet

If I say no, it's immediate tears so I try very hard not too.

You need to really try not too. I don't mean turn a blind ear and think ohh it never matters but crying cause one doesn't get there way and hears no is just well life. One big part of GD is owning ones feelings and the ability for our kids to express many. Punitive parents often demand happiness there kids are told smile dry up and move on. We need to be carefull that we don't fall into doing that in the opposite way by rushing and showing our child crying is wrong mommy needs to do what is needed to stop the crys and mommy needs to go out of her way to prevent them.. so if No brings tears we wont say no. THis is unhealthy. SO yes discuss alternitives things he can do instead countinue finding better ways re phrase nos so the child understands better ect but don't avoid nos (gentle appropiate) to avoid crying.

Deanna