getting tough!!!

[transformed]

I am feeling a transition from babys to "kids" (at least with my 3 yr old and 6 yr old) and feeling comfortable taking privelages away from them whenn they do things that are just completley bad choices. Today, my 6 yr old hit me 2 times for asking him to go back to the bathroom and wipe and flush.

I *almost* took a privilege away of an event we were going to but I cant cause I planned it and I Have to be there. (No one to watch ds)

Yesterday I gave my 3 yr old 50 million chances to act nice however she kept smashing her baby sister, being aggressive towards older bro, etc so When it was time to swim, she wasn't allowed to.

It was SOOOOO hard to enforce and I think I do my children a disservice when I wuss out cause its HARD. I loaded the 2 younger ones in the car and went home. (My ds swam at my parents house. LUCKILY I wasnt required to stay.) If my dh hadnt been there I dont kow how I would have enforced it.

I am fine with these consequences however with 3 children I can see it getting tricky....do all the others get the consequences also? (Like "we are leaving the park") or do you just let the offeder off the hook all the time? Neither onen seems like a great choice.

I am completley alone raising these guys 95% of the time and trying my best!!!!!

[LauraN]

am feeling a transition from babys to "kids" (at least with my 3 yr old and 6 yr old) and feeling comfortable taking privelages away from them whenn they do things that are just completley bad choices.

This is not what I would do. If I was uncomfortable with something, I would listen to my instinct rather than try to overcome it.

In the two instances you describe above, did you feel you were preserving your bond with your children? Did you really, truly feel that you were on the same team as them, working together to resolve issues that affect the wellbeing of the family?

It sounds like you were not. It sounds like you had a difficult time imposing disciplinary techniques that do not come instinctually to you.

Here's a page full of links that might just help you with more instinctual ways of handling those situations: http://www.naturalchild.com/articles..._guidance.html.

Good luck mama. Don't ever doubt your instincts.

ETA: many of the links on the page I offered are actually anti-spanking. It doesn't sound like that's an issue for you, and I didn't want you to think I was suggesting it was!!! But the articles on natural consequences and other types of discipline are definitely worth checking out.

[elizawill]

i know i'm the minority here, but i certainly do not feel bad imposing logical and natural consequences. yes, the whole family has been inconvenienced by having to leave places because of one person's behavior. it hasn't happened often, but a few times we've had to do this. staying at the park (or fill in the blank for wherever you are) is usually not an option unless my dh is with me. if we have to leave, it is because my ds was beyond reasonable. i am a big fan of second chances and working things out, but when that opportunity has been given and declined, i don't just sit around frustrated and feeling helpless anymore. i am part of this family too, and my happiness and well being matters equally. consequences are a result of choices, & my kids are old enough to understand that now. hugs to you mama.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I'm OK with imposing consequences, but it only works if you actually do followthrough. All the time. Otherwise its empty threats and the kids see through it and things get worse.

However, I always try to see if there is a proactive solution and/or if I am contributing to the problem as well. And in both the cases you described, I think that you need to look at what you are doing BEFORE it gets to the point of imposing consequences. You gave her a "50 million" chances to be nice? After 1 chance that she didn't take, you needed to either 1. remove her from being around siblings or 2. pack everyone up for the park or whatever to distract them.

The other thing about consequences is that, to be effective, I think they really need to be connected with the "offense". The only way I can see connecting being mean with siblings with not swimming is if you said "Since you can't play nicely I can't leave you with siblings at grandmas so you need to come home with me". That's a pretty big stretch and its not very immediate. In general, I think it works better if its much more direct. After being aggressive once, I would have said "Please keep your hands to yourself/stay away from sister/whatever it was" and if she didn't my next move would have been "Please go play away from your siblings until you can keep your hands to yourself/whatever I had asked".

I try to avoid consequences that impact everyone unless everyone was involved. So if both kids were being unsafe at the pool, I would have no problem saying "Its time to go now", but if it were only one I would say "X, please come sit with me until you can be safe", and let the other child continue to swim.

[mamalemon]

I second the importance of following through. I have tough consequences for serious offenses (the ones that put themselves or others in danger -hitting, running away from me, etc) and they are never convenient or easy, but they are extremely effective. They are so effective in fact that I rarely have to repeat them if at all. If one of my kids commits one of these "serious offenses," we leave. No warning, we just leave. And yes, we ALL have to leave and sometimes it feels unfair but part of being a family is working as a team.

For smaller issues, we do time outs together where I sit with the offending child and we talk about what happened and how it can be avoided in the future (no scolding, no lecturing - I usually just ask them about those two things). The time outs work well to reset the child without disrupting the outing for everyone. I will do two timeouts before we have to leave.

I know what you mean about it being hard to deal with one child's behavior without ruining the time for everyone. Keep in mind that the lesson that works for the child misbehaving as well as the others in getting a reminder of what happens when they misbehave. Be consistent and you wont have to do it very often.

[Serendipity]

If this discipline path is one that you've chosen and are comfortable with, then ignore my comments.

When my kids were younger I went down the path of 'getting tough' because I thought that was the only way. I thought it was weakness to 'let him get away with things'. It was hard to go against what everyone else was doing.
I'm so glad I learned about UP and changed our relationship. Things are so much more peaceful now, and my son at the time was incredibly aggressive and destructive. I love what LauraN said.

[LauraN]

Originally Posted by Serendipity

If this discipline path is one that you've chosen and are comfortable with, then ignore my comments.

When my kids were younger I went down the path of 'getting tough' because I thought that was the only way. I thought it was weakness to 'let him get away with things'. It was hard to go against what everyone else was doing.
I'm so glad I learned about UP and changed our relationship. Things are so much more peaceful now, and my son at the time was incredibly aggressive and destructive. I love what LauraN said.

Yes! It took me some time to get over the idea that I was "letting them get away with things." But once I went through that and came out the other side, things became so much more peaceful in my home.

[heartmama]

Whichever end of the GD spectrum you decide to practice, it is vital to work towards confidence because that will yield consistency. I think those two values are more important than whichever end of the spectrum you choose. Children need to be able to recognize your involvement in situations. I do not mean they need us to speak and act the same way all the time like a robot. I mean the "theme", the underlying quality of your discipline, should be immediately recognizable to your children.

If you often feel unclear, ambiguous, hesitant, overwhelmed, irritable, and uncertain as to what you should do next in terms of discipline, that will impact a child's behavior to such a degree it really won't matter which way you lean with gentle discipline.

It is from your heart convictions that you will find confidence and clarity in each moment. A heart conviction is not ego and it is not a backlash against anything in your past. It is not a "belief" or ideology. It is a light in your heart in the present moment. It is that quality which vibrates with a sense of truth in your own life. Connecting to this quality will begin shaping your confidence in discipline.

What we are talking about is akin to an instinct. Only it is one you never had to use until this point. That sounds very vague. But I think, really, most people know what it means. As long as you are alive you will identify a quality recognized in your own mind as "you". Within that lies all of your passion, interests, sense of purpose, sense of meaning. This quality needs to be connected to the present moment with discipline. Dig a trench between these two idea's, lay track, run an extension cord, whatever you need to do--but you have got to build your approach from the inside out.

Reading books and asking for advice online is helpful inasmuch as you will, while reading, have flickering lightbulb moments in which the printed word connects to that deeper sense of purpose.

Discipline is 100 times more effective when you are parenting from the heart. Children recognize the difference immediately. They know. Children respond to authenticity. Authentic is a good adjective for this parenting quality.

I tend to trust that if a parent is truly working from the paradigm of authenticity of the heart, the chances are nil they will wind up hitting and being disrespectful to their kids. They might on the surface have any number of approaches to gentle discipline, but the overall feeling of the interaction will be respectful and effective.

[transformed]

I am a huge fan of UP-however, the actual act of doing nothing when my kids are acting crazy makes me crazy and thus doesnt really work in my home. LOL. I could ever fiI am a huge fan of UP-however, the actual act of doing nothing when my kids are acting crazy makes me crazy and thus doesnt really work in my home. LOL. I never figured out how to do UP without Martyring myself. And martyring myself doesnt bode well.

What I am working toward is making there be clear concise rules of conduct in our home, enforcing them, and ultimatly releasing them to UP when the time is right.

And reforcin that the love they recive is not a product of their actions. I let them know that I love them when they are "happy, cranky, tired...." etc. all the time.

They actually seem pretty receptive to the boundrys - like its a freaking relief to them that I am finally having some. LOL.

Its just a little quirky getting the nitty gritty worked out.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

I second Heartmama's comments! Whatever you choose, I think it only works if you are comfortable with it. Only then will you be consistent and effective.