I'm having a crazy idea...

[frogautumn]

Could just be my mushy pregnancy hormones...and I'm wondering if maybe this is more of a personal growth issue, or maybe it's a momentary lapse of judgment...in which case, I hope it passes soon.

Anyway, I thought that it was pretty easy to decide to decide who my support person for DS (will be 2 years, 8 months at the time) would be...I was certain that it couldn't be my mom (technically my stepmom) or my mil, so it would easily be my friend. But the more I think about it, my friend works over an hour and a half away, would she be 100% willing to rush right over if I called her in the middle of the night, is she willing to take the day off of work for me if necessary? In pondering these questions, I realized that it might be a good idea to have a back-up person and then, the craziest idea came to me...heck, why not invite them ALL?

Why is this crazy, you say? Well, because I have always been the kind of girl who likes her boundaries. When I read about people's birth stories where they have a whole room full of family standing around, I think, "No way, not for me!" But then, while I was reading one of Ina May's books, I was so wistfully in awe of the idea of having a room full of women there to support the birthing mother (not to mention plenty of support people for DS). I have some pretty deep-rooted abandonment issues when it comes to women and tend to put up walls for self-protection. But is this the way I want to be? If I want to feel that deep sisterhood and mother-love in my life, maybe it's up to me to invite it in. And this just might be the right event to do so.

I might not feel this "enlightened" or sentimental next week, and decide that it was a moment of temporary insanity and realize all the reasons why having my mom and mil there will drive me insane. Luckily, I have lots of time to think about it--no decisions have to be made for months. Thanks for listening in the meantime!

[averlee]

When it really came down to it, I didn't want people there. I had my husband and two midwives. I'm not really modest, exactly, but I didn't like the idea of being so vulnerable around people. I only wanted people who- had seen me naked, seen my vulva up close, I wouldn't be embarrassed to poop in front of & ask them to wipe my butt, and those who I would be comfortable with their hands on my naked body. Also, no one who would criticize me, or be afraid. For instance, my mother-in-law loves me dearly, but she would have been really freaked out about my pain, the mess, my bizzare movements around the house, etc. I also didn't want anyone around who wouldn't know what to do, would get in the way, or would not know where basic things in the house were located (for instance, where are the paper towels? where is your frying pan? where is an outlet I can plug this in?)
My house was really small, and was not set up for privacy. Things may have been different if I could have had people downstairs or something.
All that said, I did wish for more help after the birth. In the hospital, they make all the dirty laundry disappear- you never see it again. We were left with a dozen loads of laundry. Also in the hospital, they clean up behind you- changing linens, replacing chux, cleaning the toilet, etc. They feed you, bring you juice, bring you your pills, etc. At home, all this is on you, which I didn't plan for. So, having moms and sisters and friends, and church ladies, would have been really excellent.

[melamama]

:
For me it would be like a circle of hell to have my mother and my mil at my house during labor.

One birth I had one really close gf who used the same mw and my mom, but we were living in a very old spacious house with plaster walls and they stayed out of my way the whole time.

I also draw strength from the idea of having a bunch of women supporting the birthing mother, but I also know that in my reality many of those women will have baggage that I might start to sense, or just that energetically they'll be in my way.

I'd breathe through this idea for a while. Ask your friend if she is willing to drop everything to come over, she might surprise you.
And I agree, it is the after that you need the female support. Maybe not true in all cases, but generally moms know how to get the work done more effectively than husbands.

[Nursingnaturalmom]

We will be having our 3rd homebirth in September. For my first my Mom was there to take care of the kids, she wasn't in the room. It went so fast after the midwife was there that i forgot she was there. The following morning was interesting though.
FOr my 2nd homebirth. I had a friend there. Along with the 2 midwives. It was okay, but I think even less people there would have been better.

For this little one, honestly, I don't want anyone there. I'd be happy with my DH and ONE midwife. However, my 11 year old really wants to be there. I'm still thinking about that.

[Comtessa]

Originally Posted by melamama

For me it would be like a circle of hell to have my mother and my mil at my house during labor... Maybe not true in all cases, but generally moms know how to get the work done more effectively than husbands.

My mother and SIL were invited. My father and MIL were not but they ended up coming over anyway. Plus my DH, and two midwives. If I had known ahead of time that so many people would be there, I would have been horrified, but as it happened, I was delighted to have so many people there. They never once interfered with labor or made it harder; in fact, the crowd made it possible for them to entertain each other so I didn't feel like there was too much focus on me and my long labor (which went v.e.r.y. s.l.o.w.l.y and disappeared altogether with too much attention). My father ended up driving us to the hospital when we decided to transfer, and my MIL stayed behind to drain the birth pool (at 2 in the morning). I was so grateful that they came, even without an invitation. Plus, having extra people meant that DH could rest while others took care of me. (I was in labor for 52 hours, so he NEEDED the rest after a while!!)

All of this is to say, if you think you'll want a lot of people around... you may be right. Talk it through with your MW, she can probably help you identify your needs and wishes on this one. But don't discount the possibility that a crowd might actually help - it did for me.

[GoldmanBaby09]

Originally Posted by Nursingnaturalmom

However, my 11 year old really wants to be there. I'm still thinking about that.

If this is your daughter and she is showing an interest in your hb, I encourage you to let her be there. My mom had 5 kids at home (I'm the oldest and only girl) and I got to witness my first homebirth at 10 and another at 15. They made a huge impact on my understanding of birth and the desire to have your babies at home. And now I'm 25, having my first baby with a mw at home.

To the OP, you gotta go with whatever is going to be comfortable. I definitely want my mom there, but would not want MIL if I could help it!

[haren.13]

I've had fleeting moments of thinking a room full of people would be nice, too But, what it came down to for me was this...would the people I'm thinking of having there be willing to leave immediately if asked, AND not be offended if this happened? The truth of the matter is (for me) that this would not happen, and it would be talked about at least behind my back for a long time.

For my first birth (hospital), I had wanted it to be just DH and I from the get-go. About 2 weeks before I was due, my mom convinced me that she should be there, too, and I was all emotional and thought it would be a good idea. As soon as I said yes, I regretted it. It's not that my mom is horrible or that we have a bad relationship or anything ~ I love my mom to death ~ it's just that I wanted it to be DH and I! And, because of how my mom is, once I invited her I couldn't un-invite her. While I was in labor I was thinking these same thoughts ~ that I didn't really want her there. I didn't feel comfortable asking her to leave and knew she would be hurt by it ~ these are MY issues, not hers, but still...

So this time, we're holding firm to who we want there ~ MW, MW's assistant, DH, and a friend to watch DD. My friend knows that she is welcome to be upstairs with us as long as DD is comfortable (we would like DD in the room if she is doing ok), but she also has told me more than once that she will not be offended AT ALL by anything I do or say in labor, including asking her to leave if I am not comfortable. She also knows that we might not call her at all, and is completely fine with that.

So I guess I would just ask myself ~ are these people going to leave if asked? Are they going to act hurt and make it about them (during or after) if this happens? If they'll be fine, and you want them there, then go for it But, I would definitely mull it over for a bit before you give them to go-ahead!

[crunchy_mama]

Being that this is so out-of-character I would certainly wait it out and think hard on it.

Due to crazy circumstances there were many more people around during my hb than I had planned or wanted and it really negatively impacted my labor(that among other things) Even though I was in a back room w/ the door locked I could hear them and it drove me absolutely nuts. I ended up not even having my mom in the room although she was there with my first. Now I know w/ my next I don't anyone but the mw and dh. I don't want anyone else to be in the house period, or in the yard. I am trying to figure out care for the kids. I am thinking my dh will go drop off the kids in early labor. Or maybe she will come pick them up.

[frogautumn]

Thanks for all the input. I just got back from a weekend away with my parents and about 5 minutes into it I thought, "WHAT WAS I THINKING?!?!" There's just no way...
I respect that my feelings were coming from a good place, but ultimately, if I want to take steps to make our relationship closer, my homebirth is NOT the time nor the place.
Phew! Moment of insanity over...

You brought up some good points...for a child's support person, you really need someone who is focused on reading the child's comfort cues and won't be hurt if they don't get to "see the action." A grandparent might be so invested in witnessing the birth of a new grandchild that they might unintentionally pressure a child to stay if they don't want to (this is depending on the grandparent of course, but I know for sure that with my mom and MIL this might very well be the case).

[anyalily]

I only wanted people I had a close connection to... I had a short list of people who were "allowed" in the birthing room and a short list of people on call in case I wanted them there (like, can you bring me a smoothie and some fresh lavender?)


In the end, I was so overcome with it all that I didn't care who traipsed in and out. I was just trying to get through it. And I couldn't drink the smoothie anyway.

But I had unusual circumstances and ended up in a transfer. Boo.

The visitors afterward was tricky. I wanted people to come and leave casseroles on the porch but they wanted to come in and see the baby. I caved and had some visitors...

[LiLStar]

I liked having a lot of people at my birth.. but I didn't invite any family. Simply because my mom doesn't "get" birth. She's supportive of my choices, doesn't say rude/stupid things, is very pro-natural anything, but she doesn't GET it. I was all for a small crowd at my birth as long as everyone present was 1000% trusting of birth, supportive, wasn't bringing any fear or stress, etc. I had 2 midwives, their apprentice, and 2 doulas. I had a second doula, a student, to be Allie's support person. so thats 5 other people in addition to dh (Allie slept through the birth). I liked having them all there and it didn't slow me down any. One of my favorite pictures from right after the birth, taken by dh, is me sitting on the floor holding my baby and there's a circle of women, my support, sitting around me. It kinda gave me the chills when I saw it.