or Connect
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › DH won't allow birth center birth
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:

DH won't allow birth center birth - Page 2

post #21 of 54
how i would handle the situation depends on the man. if he is willing to listen, so research, explore the idea etc. i would talk about it with him, have him read books do research etc. visit the center and talk to the midwives.

if he is not willing to talk and is trying to dig his heels in without being willing to actually do research i would start to get ticked. first of all i would strait up ask him if he seriously thinks so low of you that he believes you would make a decision that is in anyway harmful to your child. if he does not think that then i would ask if he thinks you are intelligent enough to research and make an informed decision. if he thinks that you are then why on earth does he not value your knowledge and opinion.

he may be afraid and i get that. but that does not give him the right to decide where and how you give birth. you should not choose where you birth based on what makes him feel good. he should not be selfish enough to ask you to. if all this is about is you and your child being safe and he wants to be a part of the decision making process he must be willing to become informed on the subject.

if he flat refuses to talk about this, to acknowledge and consider your research, to do his own research etc. then there are bigger problems that need to be addressed that have nothing to do with where you are birthing your child.
post #22 of 54
I like GoldmanBaby's advice, and also, Mama, if you *must* go to a hospital, does it have to be *that* hospital? It sounds awful. And while, yes, you could bring a doula and get through it, it would be much nicer to be in a better environment in the first place.

I would hit the man with numbers. Get the stats - number of births, rates of anesthesia (including types), rates of augmentation, rates of c-section, rates of perinatal complications, morbidity and mortality for both the birth center and the hospital. Compare and contrast. How many maternal or infant deaths occurred in relation to births in each setting? How many women were transferred for section?

Now, in all fairness, I must warn you that this is going to produce a biased analysis. The birth center will risk you out of delivery on their premises if they are worried you won't be able to safely deliver there. It's part of their job to judge when things are going badly and to transfer your care so that you and the baby have what you need.
post #23 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkaha View Post
I'm going to be a voice of dissent here. *dons flame proof suit* That baby is his baby too. You are his wife and he's scared for you both. Perhaps instead of trying to talk him into a birth center or home birth, that energy would be better spent making the hospital birth a good one. Find a support person who will help you to the bathroom so that the nurses don't have to deal with that (just take off the monitors and go in there. really, the thing won't explode, and they can't punish you for it), a support person who will remind you that you don't have to let them turn up that pit, or even start it in the first place. A good support person will help you to be empowered to have a good birth while also supporting your husband and making him more comfortable with the whole birth process.

Good luck and happy birthing-where ever you do it!
i vehemently disagree with this for a number of reasons. first and foremost fear is very possibly the worst reason to make a decision. she should not disregard everything she needs and everything she knows because her husband is afraid. i do not understand why you think it is acceptable to make this decision based on her husbands fear rather then her information and her needs. she is the one giving birth, she is the one who must feel safe and secure. her husband should not be selfish enough to try and make his fear the most important thing. she should not have to fight hospital policy every step of the way while she is in labor.

when it comes down to her husband should care enough about his wife and child to do research and make an informed decision. why is it ok for her to let his fear determine something so important? his fear has no basis in reality.

i am having trouble saying what i think about this. it infuriates me that people think a woman should just sit back and disregard what she knows is best for her and her child because her husband is afraid. not only afraid but uneducated and afraid. why is his fear a motivating factor? why is he more important than her or her child? he who is not giving birth, he who is uneducated, he is the determining factor? why? why is he the most important, why is he not required to do research, why is his fear the determining factor. why should she just step aside and let him make decisions that effect her health and well being? why does he get to make those decisions without having the information to support it?
post #24 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by 1littlebit View Post
how i would handle the situation depends on the man. if he is willing to listen, so research, explore the idea etc. i would talk about it with him, have him read books do research etc. visit the center and talk to the midwives.

if he is not willing to talk and is trying to dig his heels in without being willing to actually do research i would start to get ticked. first of all i would strait up ask him if he seriously thinks so low of you that he believes you would make a decision that is in anyway harmful to your child. if he does not think that then i would ask if he thinks you are intelligent enough to research and make an informed decision. if he thinks that you are then why on earth does he not value your knowledge and opinion.

he may be afraid and i get that. but that does not give him the right to decide where and how you give birth. you should not choose where you birth based on what makes him feel good. he should not be selfish enough to ask you to. if all this is about is you and your child being safe and he wants to be a part of the decision making process he must be willing to become informed on the subject.

if he flat refuses to talk about this, to acknowledge and consider your research, to do his own research etc. then there are bigger problems that need to be addressed that have nothing to do with where you are birthing your child.
I am in total agreement with this! If he refuses to at least consider the evidence in a fair manner, then something bigger is the issue and it needs to be addressed, possibly with counseling.
post #25 of 54
also .. her husband should be the support person who reminds her of all of that but some how i doubt he will be since he is already being unsupportive. also some hospitals have very strict regulations. what if she ends up with a c section b/c her hospital says she cannot deliver anyway but on her back? or if shes on her back with a fetal monitor and they decide labor is progressing to slow and it will harm the baby if she does not get pitocin? her husband wont stand up for her. hes to afraid.
post #26 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by meganmarie View Post
Given that marriage is a lifetime partnership, and the child belongs to both, its not as simple as "my body my decision" (I wish it were) - your feelings are completely real, and you should have most of the say, but his fears are real TO HIM and I think your instinct to "be gentle" about this is right.
I can't completely disagree with this, as I'm having a c-section I don't want, largely because that's the only way dh would agree to having another baby. (We lost our last baby, in a VBA3C attempt, which dh had totally supported, but which was my decision.)

However, in this particular case, I don't have a lot of sympathy. I actually don't care how worried he is about not being in control. "Over my dead body" is bullying and obnoxious. His wife is the one who is assuming the physical risks of birth and any interventions that occur. His wife is the one who will feel the physical impact of this birth, for good or bad, for however long it lasts. His wife is the one who has already been disrespected and cut once...in a hospital. If he wants to argue, he needs to do the research.

Obviously, the OP has to worry about her marital stability, too, so she has to take him into account. But, his behaviour is unacceptable. It's just unacceptable. Having concerns is one thing. Saying, "you'll try to avoid being abused again over my dead body" is something else. It's absolutely insane that this situation comes up over and over again, and a pregnant woman is required to prove her case to someone who wants to have the say, but doesn't want to actually do the research himself.
post #27 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by mpprincess View Post
I wanted a home birth with my first. My husband said "over his dead body." I assumed to keep everything nice it wasn't THAT big an issue.

I knew I'd made a mistake in my giving in after my child birth classes were finished. I cried and poured my heart out to him but his opinion didn't change. I gave birth to my daughter in a typical smaller hospital. I HATED it. I was able to do it "pain med free" but the fact they pumped me full of pictocin (even though I was progressing quickly) didn't make it very easy. Not to mention being yelled at to stay in my bed and urinate in a bed pan cause the nurse didn't want to have to "keep up with me".

I felt so cheated. I feel like I missed out on what could have been a positive expeirence instead of a helpless fearful one.

I just found a birth center in my area! I thought this would be the perfect "meet in the middle opprotunity". After speaking to my husband he still says it's a no go.

I'm so frustrated. He said if I can give him enough substantial evidence that I'm not issuing our child a death sentence he MAY consider it.

Can anyone help? Any literature I could show him? Any words of wisdom that may help sway his opinion?

This is our last child (hubby wants to get "fixed" after this and I am ok with that) so this is my "last chance".

This pregnancy was very unexpected and I'm having trouble "connecting" with it. Not sure if it's the unexpectedness or the trauma of going through my daughter having a severe illness the first 2yrs of her life. So I also feel a birth center birth would help me bond with baby a little more.

SORRY SO LONG.
Husbands have zero say in where or with whom you birth. Sorry, but its just not about them. It doesn't happen to them. You did it his way once and it was horrible. Your turn to choose ( and from here on out). No vagina, no vote.
post #28 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkaha View Post
(just take off the monitors and go in there. really, the thing won't explode, and they can't punish you for it),
Punish? Maybe not. I saw my sister get screamed at by a nurse, because she removed a monitor that was causing her considerable pain (binding into her abdomen) every time she had a contraction. The nurse got in her face, told her that if she cared about her babies, she'd wear the monitor, and stop being selfish over a little pain. Is that punishment? Maybe not...but it's not something a labouring woman (she laboured in hospital for over two days) needs to be dealing with. If it were me, and I was only there, because dh started issuing ultimatums, I'd be pretty pissed at both him and the nurse.

OP: Good luck in whatever you decide. I'm going to bow out of this thread, because the whole subject is making me really emotional...my next section is just too close. (Oh - and further on the "they can't punish you" thing...my first section was done after I said "no". They can do almost anything...it's just a matter of whether or not they will.)
post #29 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkaha View Post
I'm going to be a voice of dissent here. *dons flame proof suit* That baby is his baby too. You are his wife and he's scared for you both.
If his primary concern is safety, then he should be seeking out the safest possible location for birth. Study upon study in the US and abroad show that homebirth (and by extension free-standing birth centers, which are normally equipped similarly to a homebirth) are AS SAFE as hospital birth in terms of mortality and SAFER in terms of morbidity. In other words, by going to a hospital OP and the babe is no less in jeopardy of losing their lives and have a GREATER chance of sustaining injury than if she stayed home or birthed at a birth center.

OP, here are a couple of North American studies:

Outcomes of planned home births with certified professional midwives: large prospective study in North America (2005)

The Safety of Home Birth: The Farm Study (1992)-PDF

And two from the Netherlands (where 30% of births are at home, compared to 1% in the US):

Perinatal mortality and morbidity in a nationwide cohort of 529,688 low-risk planned home and hospital births (2009)-PDF

Outcome of planned home and planned hospital births in low risk pregnancies: prospective study in midwifery practices in the Netherlands (1996)

I wish you good communications with your husband and a wonderful birth!
post #30 of 54
why doesn't he care about how you feel about your last birth experience? he wants all of this to be decided based on his fear but your actual real life experience doesn't matter?

until he is willing to do the research that would allow him to form an educated opinion on what is the safest choice for you and your child his opinion is irrelevant.
post #31 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by homewithtwinsmama View Post
No vagina, no vote.
I tend to agree, although as a single mom by choice I am perhaps not qualified to even take part in this discussion. While I think he should get to voice his fears, I think it is sad that he wants to be the only one to make this decision - but not to even research the facts. If there are two totally conflicting options, why should the husband's opinion be worth more, when it is the woman who has to give birth? I am so sorry you are having to deal with this!
post #32 of 54
Marriage takes two people sometimes compromising. This baby is his baby, too.


I'm married to a "just in case" and "what if" kind of guy. We chose a certified nurse midwife to deliver at the hospital. And you know what? It was awesome!: Dh was a marvelous support person. Nothing was done to me.. I had no interventions of any kind and the baby never left my arms for anything. With the second baby, I even gave birth standing up with my midwife sitting on the floor to catch. Fantastic!

If you never compromise in a marriage.. you may find yourself raising kids alone. And that's not a choice I choose to make.
post #33 of 54
Quote:
Originally Posted by monkaha View Post
I'm going to be a voice of dissent here. *dons flame proof suit* That baby is his baby too. You are his wife and he's scared for you both. Perhaps instead of trying to talk him into a birth center or home birth, that energy would be better spent making the hospital birth a good one.
Yeah, the baby is his too, but why does HE get the final say? Why can he just say he won't "allow" : a birth center birth, and that's that?

Why can't she say that she won't allow a hospital birth? Isn't that just as valid as what he's saying?

Even if we go with the idea of both parents being equally involved, then BOTH get an equal say. He shouldn't just get his way because he's more adamant about it. And, I can even see the point of saying that both partners get an equal say- that's his partner, he loves her. And it's his baby. He does have a vested interest in the outcome. But that doesn't mean that HIS opinion trumps hers!

FTR, part of my decision to have a hospital birth was dp's concern about my safety because of my last birth (I'm not opposed to it, and the m/w recommended it as well). But he expressed it in a respectful way, and has the attitude that it's MY body, so ultimately it's my choice. If he had *demanded* a hospital birth, the poo would have hit the fan. Oh yeah, THAT would not have gone well.
It happened to work out well, because we have midwives here, that are welcome in hospitals.
post #34 of 54
I love my husband dearly. He is my best friend as well as my mate. I trust his judgment and respect his opinion on all things, because I know that he usually makes his decisions with his head and heart, and never rashly.

That said, if he tried to dictate to me how and where and with whom I could give birth, I would kindly but firmly tell him that he could either be 100% supportive of my choices, or he would find himself excluded from the experience completely. My body, my birth, my choice. Period. Birthing is not men's business, and it never has been. Yes, their needs and wishes are important. We should acknowledge their fears and honor their concerns. But the woman whose body and mind are at risk must have the final say.

It is not the man's genitals who might be needlessly mutilated by an overzealous doctor wielding scissors. It is not the man's emotional and psychological health that could be shattered by a traumatic birth experience. It is not the man's very life that could be ended due to some iatrogenic disaster. The woman's body is on the line, not the man's. The woman has final say.

The Business of Being Born is incredibly helpful for many DHs, including mine, but if he's unwilling to even consider your feelings and needs here, I don't know that it will make a difference. I agree with the others that counseling and/or talking to a midwife as a couple could help. In the end, though, this is not about the birth--this is about your husband refusing to acknowledge that your feelings and safety are more important than his ignorant, irrational fears. That is the problem here. He doesn't respect that your needs are at least as important as his. He's very selfishly using bullying and emotional blackmail to force you to do it his way--even though you both know, from experience, that "his way" will only lead to further trauma for you, or maybe worse.

I'm so sorry, OP.
post #35 of 54
My DH was against a birth center also. I finally got him to visit it with me and he felt much better after talking to the midwife and getting to ask about the "what ifs".
post #36 of 54
I'm so sorry you're going through this. I had similar issues with my husband and wound up having a hospital birth, then a birth center birth and finally a home birth. Even though he is proud of our choices, he still would prefer going to a hospital and nothing will change that. But after I spent time showing him important bits of the books I read, took him to meet the midwives and otherwise educated him, he backed off and agreed to be supportive when he spoke, and shut up when he simply couldn't be supportive, so I didn't have to know. The births all terrified him from start to finish, but he didn't let that interfere with his ability to help me.

No matter where you decide to have your baby, I highly recommend looking into Hypnobabies. It would educate him about the potential risks of common interventions, but more importantly, it would help him understand that birth can be viewed as a trustworthy process instead of an imminent disaster. The "Fear Release" process would be a huge benefit for both of you (and can be used over and over, even during the birth!) and there is a "Birth Partner, Relax, Be Confident" CD that he can put on while he sleeps, and it can really help minimize his stress about the birth before and during the process.

Good luck, and congratulations on your baby!
post #37 of 54
I'm sorry you're dealing with this. I'm also of the opinion that no vagina = no vote. But in my case it would be not carrying baby = no vote.

Reading so many threads like this, it really surprises me that so many couples don't talk about this before marriage or before kids. I guess I could understand if a woman's opinion on natural birth and parenting completely changes over the years or especially after a traumatic hospital birth, for sure. But wouldn't most women know if their partner was naturally-minded or inclined all along? My DW knew from the beginning (like way before marriage) that I would be having our baby at home. She was absolutely not ok with it. I told her that it was fine, she would have a few years to become ok with it or she could choose not to be there. End of discussion. My body, my choice. No compromising! Since then, I've talked about homebirth so much that she now sees it as normal and is very excited about it. She's never read one book, website or article about it and would never sit through a movie about birthing. However, the flip side of that is that I've known from the beginning that if she ever gives birth, she will want an elective c-section. Of course I'm not ok with that. But it's her body, her choice. No compromise! (I'm at least lucky that she's 100% AP, naturally-minded on everything else)


Good luck, OP! I'm interested in hearing how it all turns out. Keep us updated after he sees BOBB.
post #38 of 54
I don't see why, since "it's his baby too" does indeed work in reverse (it's her baby too. AND her body!), that the tiebreaker vote goes to the person who is least rational about the decision.

I also suggest BOBB. It helped me communicate with my husband about home birth. Ours is planned for November.
post #39 of 54
My DH was against a birth center too. He didn't tell me I couldn't go there (I didn't really leave it open for discussion), but he did make it clear he thought it was a stupid idea not to go to an OB. I know he had no idea of what midwives really were so I had him watch BOBB. It completely changed his perception of hospitals and midwives and he is now 100% on board. I know he wouldn't have read a book or newspaper articles if I showed them to him so this was the quickest way to get his attention. I would have gone to the birth center regardless of his reaction but it was important to me that he understood where I was coming from, especially since he wasn't at DS's birth and hadn't had that experience yet.
post #40 of 54
Can you make an appointment to go to the birth center just to talk to them? Your dh could ask his questions and they could provide their info directly to him. They probably have an info package.

Here is an article about home births being as safe as hospital http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/health/7998417.stm
New Posts  All Forums:Forum Nav:
  Return Home
  Back to Forum: Birth and Beyond
Mothering › Mothering Forums › Pregnancy and Birth › Birth and Beyond › DH won't allow birth center birth