DH won't allow birth center birth - Page 3

[Storm Bride]

I suppose there's the sort of passive-aggressive approach, too. Refuse to do anything for the remainder of the pregnancy, and if your husband wants to know why, explain that you're too sick. When he says he didn't realize you were sick, you can ask him why he thinks you should go to a hospital (a place for sick people), instead of a birthing center (a place for pregnant women), since you're pregnant, not sick.

However, I think the whole subject is just bringing out my nasty side.

[happybunny]

I didn't read every post in detail, so maybe this has been said before. I would recommend for your husband to read "The Thinking Woman's Guide to a Better Birth" by Henci Goer. It was recommended to me by my midwife. She said men like it because it is very technical, but easy to read. Your husband wouldn't even have to read the whole thing. He would learn a lot about unnecessary hospital interventions and the safety of home birth. The last chapter on "The Place of Birth" is great!

[wombatclay]

In terms of movies, I didn't see anyone mention HOMEBIRTH DADS. It's not the most "professional" of films since it's done more as a "chat in the living room" sort of film, but it's a great resource for dads who are concerned/opposed to homebirth since the whole thing is just a group of fathers talking about their experiences with homebirth. Some of them were initially against homebirth and it talks about how their opinion changed, it talks about costs and insurance, concerns about safety and the nitty gritty of having a baby born at home.

There's a positive review in Mothering Magazine, and you might want to check out their website to get a better feel for the film: http://homebirthdads.com/


~~~~~~~~~~~~~

As to the debate about who get's to "choose" and all that... OP, is this tangent helpful for you and the situation you're in? The question of birth location/birth choice and who has more or less "say" in the process is near and dear to many women's hearts, but every family is different and every marriage is approaching the situation from a different place. I'd certainly suggest involving a neutral third party in the discussion and perhaps seeking therapy as a couple or as individuals to help you both address your personal fears and hopes as well as help you come to a meeting point on these things. Pregnancy is a hard time to jump into the fray since there is such an extreme deadline, but you need to feel supported and empowered and he needs to feel confident and capable.

A visit to the birth center, a meeting with a midwife who is familiar with the full story (including his prior traumatic birth experience), perhaps locate a local ICAN or AP group where there are other fathers who could meet with him on a more "manly" level (especially in terms of the prior birth trauma, it seems like BTDT support from other partners counts for a lot... our local ICAN group tries to arrange vbac classes just for the partners so they have a space to work out their own concerns/memories/fears)...

and good luck!

[Adasmommy]

I agree with everyone who said to watch the Business of Being Born with him and definitely tour the birth center and interview the midwife together. Don't let him refuse--after all he invited you to prove your point, and you can certainly point out that he is asking you to do something dangerous against your will without even investigating all the options to find the safest!

Make sure he asks the midwife about everything he feels is better about hospitals--she's much better equipped to satisfy his questions than you are!

I feel very strongly about homebirth, and about my husband. I would work hard to assuage his fears so that you can do the birth center route. Having a scared or angry husband would not be conducive to my birthing happily or peacefully and would increase the risks of something going wrong! However, my birthing in a hospital would increase those risks more, both because *I* would be scared and angry and because hospitals do stupid things.

Finding peace for both of you on this subject is the only good solution. Remember he loves you, and take it from there.

[shanniesue2]

Originally Posted by koalove

my advice~ its your body, your birth. a birth center is a good comprimise. maybe a birth caenter that i attahed to a hospital? however, if you do end up in the hospital, hire a doula, and never forget that you can say NO to any intervention. you cant be pumped full of pitocin unless you allow it. tell them to forget it. and peeing in a bedpan??!! thats crazy! tell the nurse youre going to the bathroom. a doula will support you in these choices and be a voice for you if needed.

My response to this is a little OT, so I'm sorry in advance. I do think that no matter where you give birth, a doula would be very helpful (especially since both of you have had some negative birth experiences). However, I do want to clarify that the role of a doula is NOT to be a "voice for you if needed." It is out of the scope of practice for doulas to speak to your providers FOR you. The role of the doula is to support you through labor and (if need be) to empower you to speak up if something is happening that is contrary to your wishes. In the above example, if you are wanting to sit on the toilet to go the bathroom and the nurse isn't being friendly about it, your doula is not in the position to tell your nurse why it is that you should be able to use a toilet, but she is in the position to help you find the words so that YOU can tell your nurse why it is that you should be able to use the toilet.

[mpprincess]

Sorry, I've not been able to get back to my computer.

Thank you all so very much for your help and support.

I do not have an option of a birth center in or attatched to the hospital. I did have a doula with me at my first birth....it just didn't seem to help. As was previously mentioned it wasn't really her place to speak FOR me and I was too focused on trying to relax to feel as though I had the power to make any decisions. I was bullied very much in my "state of weakness".

I'm going to take my husband to the birth center. I have BOBB in the mail on it's way. I've printed several articles and have set up a time for he and I to watch it and then later discuss (also after the visit to the center). I'm really hoping that all of these things will at least help him to see my perspective.

I really feel he came off so strongly because he thought I'd back down. Sometimes I do. Don't get me wrong, we both give and take in many different things. This time I'm VERY adimate. It never occured to me that I'd feel so strong about how my babies came into the world, just that I wanted babies. Now I realize what a complete journey it is.

My husband has never been an "outside of the box" person. I understand that. He sometimes takes my being black and white for him to see. I do know this, he loves me, and his intentions aren't to be selfish, he's just worried for us. He just doesn't understand right now and I have to find the least threatening way to approach him.

I'll let you all know how it goes!

[Adasmommy]

Good luck!

I know what you mean about being surprised by how much the "method of birth" matters. I think the advantages to the baby of staying away from a hospital ought to be persuasive enough, but there really is something to it that is very personal to the mother, too, because interventions are intervening in our bodies and our plans for our babies, and undermining a lot of spiritual, mental, and physical work that we are doing to become mothers. Childbirth is once in a lifetime (every time) and incredibly powerful and worthwhile in its own right.

I told my husband I'm sorry he doesn't get to experience it but he seems happy to let me do it.

[Sweetiemommy]

It's your body, your birth and ultimately your baby. Your husband has NO legal rights in this situation. He cannot dictate where you birth. And this is your last birth (with him at least, since he is getting his tubes tied, also his decision, I assume). You don't need his permission and I would personally head to the birth center without him. If he can't budge on this issue, which is important to you and involves YOUR BODY, you may want to seek counseling on why he does not feel that you are capable of making a responsible decision. Sorry to be harsh, but he simply has no right to infringe on your birth experience.

[Sweetiemommy]

Sorry, that was harsh!! I'm just fed up with husbands that don't take their wives comfort and health into account. I know so many husbands who continue this type of misogynistic attitude through the childhood years, expecting their wives to do all the work, while also having ridiculous and unrealistic expectations on what life with kids look like. This probably has nothing to do with your husband! I am just all fired up. Good luck!

[Lisa85]

Originally Posted by Sweetiemommy

It's your body, your birth and ultimately your baby. Your husband has NO legal rights in this situation. He cannot dictate where you birth. And this is your last birth (with him at least, since he is getting his tubes tied, also his decision, I assume). You don't need his permission and I would personally head to the birth center without him. If he can't budge on this issue, which is important to you and involves YOUR BODY, you may want to seek counseling on why he does not feel that you are capable of making a responsible decision. Sorry to be harsh, but he simply has no right to infringe on your birth experience.

No sense in repeating everything so I'll just say ITA. My 'line' is when dh is pregnant and lactates he can decide to give birth wherever and however he'd like and to breastfeed (or not) for however long he'd like. Until then, it's my decision, end of discussion.

[rhiandmoi]

I think you should let your DH process his fears. Go tour the birth center, and let him ask his big what if to the birth center. I think his fear is something that you need to respect, but he should also be open to the possibility that the BC has a good worst case scenario protocol.

[Super~Single~Mama]

My BF was very nervous about having a birth center birth, and was very adamant that we not have a homebirth. I wasn't so set on a homebirth (although if I get pregnant again that won't be the case) that I couldn't compromise and go to a birth center - but I REFUSED to go to a hospital unless it was an emergency!

We visited the birth center, talked to the midwives, and toured the place and he decided that it was a nice place, and that it would be nice to have the baby there! He then went to each and every prenatal appointment I had, got to know the midwives - and they got to know him. He was respected just as much as I was, got his questions answered, just like I got mine answered. All the midwives knew him by name, and knew that he wanted to participate in the birth. Then he got to spend the night with me and Lincoln in a queen size bed after the birth! It was great - no regrets for either of us.

[jillmamma]

Originally Posted by philomom

Marriage takes two people sometimes compromising. This baby is his baby, too.


I'm married to a "just in case" and "what if" kind of guy. We chose a certified nurse midwife to deliver at the hospital. And you know what? It was awesome!: Dh was a marvelous support person. Nothing was done to me.. I had no interventions of any kind and the baby never left my arms for anything. With the second baby, I even gave birth standing up with my midwife sitting on the floor to catch. Fantastic!

If you never compromise in a marriage.. you may find yourself raising kids alone. And that's not a choice I choose to make.

DH and I are having a similar discussion, and after researching a lot of options, he told me I could do this one. I found a practice used by a friend of ours as well, that has both OBs and CNMs, and delivers at a hospital in the Texas Medical Center of Houston. For me, I get my midwife more naturally oriented natural birth, he gets the OB backup if something goes wrong, plus the hospital is just a tunnel away from Texas Childrens with an excellent NICU if we needed it. For US, this seems to be the best compromise. He was not willing to research or read anything I gave him, so in that particular case, I feel I get slightly more say in the matter (besides the fact that any interventions would be done to ME, not him). He still seems to see birth as a medical matter where you need a lot of well trained expertise just in case, and although I respect that I would want help if something went wrong, I don't want to approach birth just from what if everything goes wrong. Good luck with the two of you, and I hope you are able to come up with a decision that works for both of you!

[Evergreen]

I think that explaining the situation to the midwives will help. I know a lot of men who after meeting the midwives and touring the center completely change their minds!