Do you feel judged by other moms?

[lavender_mama]

I do. And I always feel like I have to give an explanation for my parenting choices. What's worse, sometimes my harshest judges are my parents. Sometimes, even harsher, are my own "community" of other AP, baby-wearing, organic eating, natural mamas. It's like, I'm not "natural" enough. I feel judged because:

1. I'm using a D.O. for prenatal care. My parents think I'm a hippie for not using an M.D. My hippie friends think I'm mainstream for not using a midwife.

2. I formula fed my first son. I tried breastfeeding but, in all honesty, I didn't have any milk. I know it sounds crazy, but that's what happened. My parents think I was silly to have ever tried breast feeding in the first place (it's not worth the trouble, she said.) My hippie friends think I gave up on breast feeding too soon. They don't believe me when I tell them I couldn't.

3. I used jar baby food for my first son. My parents think I was wasting my money by buying the Earth's Best organic baby food. My hippie friends think I'm lazy and wasteful because I didn't make my own in a food processor.

4. I'm a Montessori teacher, my son is a Montessori kid, and I have every intention of sending this new little one to a Montessori. My parents think Montessori is passive-aggressive and that I need to be tougher on my children if they are going to turn out "right". My hippie friends think I needed to have sent my child to Waldorf because Montessori has become too "mainstream". (I disagree with that last part, by the way.)

5. I had my son circumcised. My parents don't care one way or the other. My hippie friends think I disfigured my son. (There's a story as to why he was circumcised, but it's not important here. What's important is that I'm judged, regardless of reason.)

6. I'm divorced. My son's father is that one that takes him to well visits because he is on his father's insurance. Because of this, his father gets him vaccinated per the pediatrician's recommendation. I hate it. My parent's think I'm silly to argue with him on this. My hippie friends think I'm not arguing with him enough.

There's more. There always is. The point is, I feel judged by other parents, including my own parents. How about you? Do you feel judged? In what way? How do you deal with it? No need to explain yourself here, I'm not here to judge. Let's call this the "support blog"! : Love and Hugs!

[averlee]

I do feel judged! with a lot of the same double-edge swords! Many are appalled that I'm raising my daughter vegetarian. Many are appalled that -gasp- I let her have soda. It's silly to EC, cloth diapers are too much hassle, disposables ruin the earth.

[Alyantavid]

Totally. Most of our friends are extremely mainstream so bfing, babywearing, not vaxing, not circing are just crazy choices to them.

[fromtheheart]

Yeah- I always feel judged because I can't carry my son Because of my back injury, I can't carry him or pick him up. He's 19 months now. When he was tiny, I slung him as much as I could, but always felt inadequate. Then I learned he had hip displasia and I shouldn't have been slinging him at all! You just can't win sometimes!

His displasia has resolved though, BTW!

[samstress]

there's always going to be someone (or, sadly, sometimes lots of someones) who have something to say about the way you're parenting.

there's nothing you can do about those people and you certainly don't owe them any explanations for the choices you've made. simply say that what you do works for you and your family.

are your children happy, healthy, loved and well cared for? then i think you're doing a great job.

to answer you question, yes, i've felt judged by people on several occasions (for many of the parenting choices i've made). for the most part, i try not to let it bother me. i realize it usually has more to do with them than it does with me. it's their issue. i'm quite happy and so is my family.

[Happily Blessed]

Yep, I feel this way. I could have wrote most of this myself.

But what you have to remember, Momma, is that you are the Momma. And you will always do whats best for your children. So when people judge you, just smile, and know that they may not agree with you, but ultimately you are the Mother. And today you have accepted the fact that you cannot please everyone and you don't have to.

God bless you. I pray that you will feel peace with your decisions and less stress from the judgement all around you.

[mummyofan]

These always make me feel emotional as I feel bad that anyone should get judged, I mean if we're all loving our children and doing our best what business is it of others unless we solicit it?
I don't get judged by others so much as myself.
I didn't cirumcise (either of my children)
I vaccinate, gradually, I bf both till just recently....etc, yet I'm always second guessing myself (should I have done it THAT way?)

In the end I feel honoured to be a parent, extremely grateful to be a SAHM and in love with the beauty that my children and those of my friends bring me (and no, I'm no 'hippy' just happy)

[katiesk]

i have started to care less and less what people are thinking of me or judging me for. if they want to have a reasonable conversation with me about something, i'll engage, but otherwise...they can keep their petty judgements to themselves!

[lavender_mama]

Sometimes it's not even face-to-face judging. Sometimes it's an article I'll read in a magazine or online chastising moms who don't breast feed or who circumcise. Sometimes I'll read an online post here or one of the other forums I go to. Sometimes I'll overhear a conversation about how gross breast feeding in public is (because even though I couldn't bf my son, I have every intention of bf-ing my daughter when she's born, if I can).

Oh yeah, and I forgot to add Lunchables to the list! I'm a monster because sometimes on Fridays I send him to school with one. Oh, what lazy, wasteful mom, poisoning my son!

[2lilsweetfoxes]

On MDC, I feel the need to justify why I do not cosleep with the new baby and have introduced bottles, use a stroller and baby devices --though I have and use slings and that stuff--and haven't quit my job and vaccinate my kids. IRL, I feel the need to justify why I still cosleep with my son (who is almost 6) and am still breastfeeding and use cloth diapers and do the vaccines one at a time with no combo vaxes (except DTaP) and didn't circ.

[chipper26]

Originally Posted by katiesk

i have started to care less and less what people are thinking of me or judging me for. if they want to have a reasonable conversation with me about something, i'll engage, but otherwise...they can keep their petty judgements to themselves!

I like this, because most people who judge have a very limited amount of information about what they are judging. For example, people may think babywearing is weird but do they know why is it important or special? People may judge a mom for formula feeding baby but they may not know the reason she didn't breast feed.

I'm finding that the judgement thing applies in all areas of life. People only see the tip of the iceberg but choose to judge on that small amount of information they receive.

[katiesk]

and i think that judgement often comes from a place of not understanding - and could just as easily stop at simply not understanding. for instance, i don't understand why people...eat lunchables...for instance!! (since that was just mentioned) but do i care? and if i had more information, maybe i would understand them and their unique lunchable situation, and that would probably lead me to care even less. i mean that in a good way. the lunchables are not directly affecting my life. i think it is kind of gross, but it does not make any important difference to me that whoever wants to feeds kids lunchables does so.

i guess i expect the same from others. i really don't think my parents understand why i am breastfeeding the one year old...or why i ever started bf in the first place, but i also don't think that they really care one way or another. they don't get it, but what are they going to do about it, really? it might be judgement on their part, but i think that at the center of that is not having all of the information to really understand the situation.

furthermore, i think there are alot of right and wrong choices that people make - and when someone chooses what i believe to be wrong, it is especially easy to judge, but still serves no purpose. i think you can hold the view that someone is doing the "wrong" or "not right" think but still with hold judgement.

anyway, maybe people are judging me left and right! many people think i am pretty crazy in the things that i do...so whatever, it's fine if they judge me, but it does not really have to effect me in a strong way either, if i am secure in what i am doing.

rambling!

[dkenagy]

Originally Posted by chipper26

People only see the tip of the iceberg but choose to judge on that small amount of information they receive.

Yes! This! And I think it is much more about that person trying to justify their own actions, than really being about your actions.

[ABmom]

Originally Posted by samstress

there's always going to be someone (or, sadly, sometimes lots of someones) who have something to say about the way you're parenting.

there's nothing you can do about those people and you certainly don't owe them any explanations for the choices you've made. simply say that what you do works for you and your family.

are your children happy, healthy, loved and well cared for? then i think you're doing a great job.

:

Have faith and believe in yourself and let the negative comments go. Being a parent is tough enough there's no need to worry about what others think of you as well.

I think that some people just like to be judgemental to make themselves better or to justify THEIR parenting choices.

[camracrazy]

I have found that a lot of people judge because they think that you are trying to say something negative about them if you don't do the same things they do. Does that make sense?? LOL

For example: I homeschool. No one else in our immediate family (family that lives near us) does (or did). I would find myself talking to my sister about homeschooling and kind of "talking it up" about how great it was because I was trying to explain what we liked about it. Then she would get a little defensive and talk about all the great things her kids were doing at school. I wasn't intending to make it seem like my choice was better, but I think that's how she took it.

I also don't like my kids to have a lot of junk food. My mom is offended by this. I feel like she believes "I raised you and your sister and fed you this stuff, so are you trying to say something about the way I parented you?"

OTOH, we have some friends that are a lot more strict about organic, earth friendly, etc. We try to do what we can with in our budget and the resources we have avaliable. The mom talked about it soooo much, though, that I found myself feeling weird if we showed up at a park date with a bottle of water purchased on the way (usually because I forgot our water bottles, again! ) instead of a stainless steel, BPA free, $30 a piece sports bottle. We haven't really hung out with them too much lately. I like my middle of the road, do the best you can with what you have, I know you love your kids even if they don't wear 100% organic cotton friends.

[alinajoy]

it doesn't sound like these people are real friends :-(

I know that I would not spend any amount of time with people that made crappy comments to me and didn't accept me as is.

As for judging, I no longer do it and no longer feel judged. It was a decision I made and has made my life much easier! I don't care what other people think and I'm confident in my decisions whatever those may be. I don't take other people's issues/judgements personally and know that if I am feeling shitty it is my fault, and that I am the only one that can change that.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

A person who wants to judge me is going to have a hard time getting that satisfying feeling of seeing me shamed....because honestly, I couldn't care less about what they think of my parenting choices.

All the evidence I need, of how frakin' awesome a mama I am, is in the toothy grin of my happy, dancey, spunky, healthy, active, loving, attached little girl. She trusts me, loves me and is an incredibly confident and nurtured kid...my husband and child are the "co-deciders", along with my guts and heart, in how things go around this house....as far as I'm concerned, a mama who has the time and inclination to judge me....has her eyes on the wrong bebe!

Oh mama...I'm sorry you're getting it from all sides! I feel so much sympathy for you mamas who have terribly judgemental ILs, or parents who think your choices are stupid. That's just so wrong...I am SO lucky in this regard, it makes me tear up just thinking about it. I don't know what I did, to deserve the family I married into...but man, I am so blessed to have these people in my life. I have TONS of support in my lifestyle and parenting choices...even more than support...I have a MIL who is joyously living vicariously through my motherhood...for the fact that many of the natural/AP choices she wishes she could have made for HER chidren, she wasn't able to....cost of living with a doctor, unfortunately. She didn't want to vax, circ (I think), etc....but her H at the time being a doctor, he had a lot of faith in the medical way of things and it wasn't up for discussion...it was so nice, when I said "You know, I've decided that I won't vax my child" - to hear "Oh thank goodness, I was hoping you'd do your research! YAY!" and all of that. It makes such a difference..because, you know, even when you ARE sure, even when you really do think you know you're doing your best...you still have those moments of "Okay, I'm right...RIGHT?" - it's never easy, especially with your first...to run this science experiment known as "Parenting", all you can do is hope that your conviction are leading you to a place of harmony and health for your child...to have the added stress of your own parents thinking you're a big dummy for making the choices you make...that's just terrible. So, so awful....I'm just so completely thankful that I have the MIL I do. My SIL and BIL as well...are just CRAZY about my baby and are always telling me I'm doing a great job and that she looks so healthy and happy and saying things like "Thank you for making a perfect baby for us to love on" - it's bringing me to tears jsut thinking about it...that support is so important to me and my heart breaks for those of you with family so selfish, that they can't remember how hard it is to feel like you're doing a good job parenting sometimes...and just give you that support, in lieu of agreeing with your parenting...JUST BECAUSE they WANT you to feel good about yourself.

That...and I think it's important, especially if you don't have that support from family, to choose a care provider for your family who is going to support you. I looked SOOOOOOO hard and finally chose a doctor who is GREEEEATTTT! for my DD. He's not a pediatrician, because I refuse to go to a ped, but he is the best with her. He asked me on Wednesday "Soooo, she's one now, what are you thinking at this point about vax?" - and I said "You know, I'm still thinking that's a big no, I just don't feel comfortable" - and he said "I agree completely, good job mom! let's wait til she's two and talk about it again at that point" - and my heart just burst with happiness, not to have to deal with the smug judgement of a doctor who thinks that I'm a moron and he knows everything....that, and we were talking about milk and how she seems to want to try it when my DH is drinking it and I said yeah, I don't know about store bought milk for her, and he was like "Yeah, maybe some raw milk?" - and I said "I was thinking raw goats milk!" and he was like, high fiving me and grinning! I was so pleased. The doctors I interviewed while pregnant were all so judgemental...when I asked about vax they were like "Ohhh, so you're going to fight me on vaccinations?" like "Oh ONE OF THOSE!" and you know....I don't want a doctor who is going to be "all about" my way, no matter what MY WAY is...

I want a doctor who is going to challenge me with information, when he thinks I'm not making a decision based on truths...I want a doctor who is going to keep me informed and who keeps himself informed...but mostly...from doctors, family, friends, etc...all I want, is to be respected as this persons parent. So long as she's happy and healthy...why does anyone have to care so much? I mean, this doctor I chose, has a STERLING repuation in this area, he is respected and well liked both in the community and among doctors...so, if HE'S not crazy and he supports MY decisions...MY decisions can't be crazy, right? But you still get these people...."Wait, so, NO VACCINES?" and I'm like "No, none" - "Well, keep her away from my kid, cause, you know....**I** want a healthy kid" - and I'm thinking to myself "Nooo problem". Ugh. Like *I* dont' want a healthy kid...I chose not to vax, because I'm hoping that she gets measles...you know? It's judgement, that doesn't even make sense. OBVIOUSLY we're all trying to do our best by our kids...OBVIOUSLY we all think we're right, and that our way is the best way for our kids...I mean, why would we be doing what we didn't think was best for our kids?

SO...yeah. Judgement can be nasty. But I tend to cut people out of my life (not completely, just, you know..let them fade away) NOT just for having a different view than me, because trust me there are people in our life who don't completely agree with all of what I do, but for disrespecting my right to parent the way I see fit.

The kind of friend I want, is the kind of friend who, even though she disagrees or really wildly opposes my ideas about parenting....looks at my kid and says "Well, obviously there is a method to your madness, because she is perfect!" and respects me even though I'm doing things differently.

I guess my bottom line reason for thinking judgement is silly, is because, a lot of times, the mother who are judging me....and doing so while standing right in front of my DD, who is OBVIOUSLY being parented well and nurished, etc...if you can look at my happy little snuggle bug and STILL judge me...then that's not about me, that;s about some sick need that YOU have to try and knock me down a few pegs! And you know...I don't have time for that.

[ABmom]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

The kind of friend I want, is the kind of friend who, even though she disagrees or really wildly opposes my ideas about parenting....looks at my kid and says "Well, obviously there is a method to your madness, because she is perfect!" and respects me even though I'm doing things differently.

ITA Some of my very good friends are really different in their parenting styles (from ultra mainstream to very crunchy) but because we all respect each other's choices we get along great! We discuss and inquire about the choices we make but we don't judge.

[choli]

No, I don't care what other people think about my parenting, and feel no obligation to explain or evangelize. I also really don't give a rats @ss about how other people parent, it's their kids and their business and I feel no need to judge them or give them "advice".

[mamazee]

I sure do! Let's see - from crunchy moms: pacifier use, not buying organic clothing, not having a home birth, vaccinating. With mainstream moms, it's about breastfeeding - particularly after a year, not vaccinating on schedule, co-sleeping, cloth diapers, unmedicated births, gentle discipline, and "why are you always carrying that baby?"