Do you feel judged by other moms? - Page 3

[Whistler]

Originally Posted by steelmagnolia9

I absolutely do! From "mainstream" Moms - I'm a kooky hippy, and from "crunchy" Moms - I'm just not "crunchy" enough. It's sad really, as we should all be able to support each other in our quest to be good mothers - in whatever form that takes.

This.

I do have to say that reading about parenting choices that differ from mine - both ways- has made me aware that my way isn't the only way and that people who thoughtfully and carefully choose another way are just as interested in doing the best for their children as I am.

I agree with the PP who said we fee less judged when we are secure with our own choices. I have always struggled with this... in some ways I am secure. After all I do what I do for a reason and I would not do it if I did not think it was best. But I still crave affirmation rather than criticism.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Originally Posted by katiesk

i agree. i don't really feel parent guilt.

should i? what should i be feeling guilty about?

ITA....I mean, it comes with second guessing, for SURE! There are times when you wonder if you're doing the right thing, if they're getting enough, if you're doing as well as you could...but, I mean, when I feel these things...I tend to reach the conclusion that the very fact that I'm asking myself those questions, is pretty good indication that I'm doing everything I possibly can for my babe.

It's a hard job sometimes...but mostly, really fun and rewarding. Life and kids throw really crazy curve balls at you...everything doesn't fit into a black and white parenting model...when you find yourself out there in that gray zone, you just have to do your best!

Although, I will admit to sometimes feeling guilty for bringing a little being so perfect as my special girl, into this crazy crazy world...things are just so crazy these days and I worry about her future....but here she is, making her little corner of the universe a lighter and more loving place to be...so, you know...this is life. I give her the best that I can and am just overjoyed to know her!

[MittensKittens]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

Although, I will admit to sometimes feeling guilty for bringing a little being so perfect as my special girl, into this crazy crazy world...things are just so crazy these days and I worry about her future....but here she is, making her little corner of the universe a lighter and more loving place to be...so, you know...this is life. I give her the best that I can and am just overjoyed to know her!

I totally feel the same!

[honeybee]

Originally Posted by lavender_mama

Ugh. Okay. Why the blanket response? I apologize, perhaps I should have stated it this way:

"For many parents, parenting comes with automatic guilt."

I'm glad parenting didn't come with automatic guilt for you, but that doesn't mean it didn't come with it for others. This is the exact thing I'm talking about here. It's different for different parents.

I guess I don't see how the above was a blanket response or in any way critical. The person just disagreed with the statement that parenting comes with AUTOMATIC guilt. That doesn't disparage or judge people who do feel like there is a lot of guilt inherent with parenting.

This is what I mean about FEELING judged when judgment wasn't necessarily intended. I tend to just assume people are giving me the benefit of the doubt... maybe because I give them the benefit of the doubt when it comes to motivation.

[THBVsMommy]

I'm always judged. I don't know anyone in my area that cloth diapers, delays/doesn't vax, doesn't spank, doesn't CIO, that BFs, practices baby wearing. I'm the odd man out, but I've YET to have someone say my ways of parenting aren't working.

Most people don't understand why I parent this way, but since I do so much research, they don't argue with me in the end.

On the otherhand, I don't eat organic or make my own baby food. I've yet to be looked down upon for that, but then again, like I said above, I don't know anyone IRL who does either.

[katiesk]

This is what I mean about FEELING judged when judgment wasn't necessarily intended

i usually feel judged when i am being overly sensitive. for me, confidence in myself and security in knowing that i do what i believe to be right, typically makes me happy and less concerned with others perceptions of me.

i feel guilt when i think i have done something wrong. i don't think that i am perfect, but i am not usually wronging my child, either.

i think this is largely a difference in defining and experiencing emotions.

[Snuzzmom]

Originally Posted by steelmagnolia9

I absolutely do! From "mainstream" Moms - I'm a kooky hippy, and from "crunchy" Moms - I'm just not "crunchy" enough. It's sad really, as we should all be able to support each other in our quest to be good mothers - in whatever form that takes.

Girl, YES. I think a lot of us fit into this category. Of all the parenting styles out there, I like AP the best by far, but we don't follow every single aspect of it for a variety of reasons.

In all fairness, the mommy I feel most judged by is me. My son is 2.5 and there are already so many things I wish I had done differently. I imagine the amount of "mistakes" I make will only increase as he gets older, so I try not to torture myself, but sometimes... it's hard.

ETA As to the "parenting comes with automatic guilt" question: I think that depends on how you're built. I am wired for guilt already, so for me, this statement is absolutely true. The good thing is, at least I know it and can try to chill out if I find myself going off the deep end.

[lifeguard]

I don't just feel judged I know I am. I am the last (due to long problems with infertility) in my group of VERY mainstream friends to have a baby. I have long kept my mouth shut about the things I planned to do with my children (when I finally had them) because you know "if you're not a mother you know nothing" & therefore spent a lot of years listening to my friends judging others for the decisions I knew I myself would be making.

For the most part they are polite enough not to say anything but I've already heard time & again how stupid & pointless the bother of cloth diapers is or that extended breastfeeding is disgusting. So when I (heaven forbid) use a disposable occassionally I instantly get the catty "I knew you'd give that cloth diaper nonsense up".

But I just ignore 'cause you know what I do judge them too, for using cio or not even attempting to bf.

But I guess we just agree to disagree & usually stick to topics that we do agree on.

Like pp said I do believe that often when you make a choice that is different than someone else's they immediately assume you are making a judgement on what they chose & therefore get on the defensive.

[Just Elsa]

Well, let's see... I didn't circumcise my son but don't think it's a big deal if others do. I breast fed with a goal of 12 months which is either "too long" or "not long enough". I feed my kid McDonald's on a semi-regular basis. I vaccinate on schedule and would not have a baby outside of a hospital or medical facility but wish I'd had the option of a water birth. My kid and I are much closer than the mainstream standard but I couldn't stand having him sleep in my bed past the midnight feeding stage.

Want me to go on? Try a born again Christian Republican who is pro-life, anti-gun, pro-gay marriage, supports welfare and homeschools while voting for every scrap of extra funding for public education. I piss of *everyone*. Yes, I feel like people judge me. I seldom care much. I try to do that which is right for me and mine without hurting other people and let that be my guide.

[benj]

i don't think it's wrong that you feel criticized or judged by other people. it just means that you take what they say in consideration, which is a good trait! but there is not just one way to do things, everybody does what works for them. there isn't a one-size-fits-all protocol for everything, listen to suggestions and opinions because some might actually be helpful, but don't get upset.

[Kappa]

Nope, I don't really feel judged. I don't tell anyone that I'm extended nursing, and the only other thing people could really look down on with a reason is the fact that my son still takes cow milk in a bottle (which is his father's choice, I feed him my milk my way, Daddy does it his way).

Now, most errant comments come from those who don't have children (Haha, you have your baby on a leash!), or from people with adult children (you young girls just SPOIL your babies!). Most other Moms I'm around don't have the nerve I think. I figure, I'm not in your shoes, why would I ever think of judging you. And I honestly believe that the great bulk of Moms are doing their personal best, sure there are some bad ones but I figure what are the chances of me running into a bad Mom on a regular basis?

[Agatha_Ann]

I've noticed in real life that the judgement is getting less and less as we have more children and our older ones are turning out to be so pleasant! It's a lot harder for people to tell me how wrong I am when I have walking talking visual aids of my parenting choices. I remember how hard it was though when I only had one or two.

I really wish that all mothers would feel supported in the choices they make, but I think it is wishful thinking. I know for myself I cannot support a mother who feels that following the Pearls is what works best for their family. I believe that to be abusive, but many obviously do not. I admit that I judge families who do this and I don't feel that is a character flaw.

I feel really judged here. Not that anyone has said anything to me personally, just in reading threads about birth. I HAVE to have c-sections due to a pretty severe and rare-I'm in a textbook!- birth defect in my reproductive organs. I physically cannot give birth vaginally. On MDC I feel like I am less of a woman or less of a mother because of this. I also feel like I have to explain my sections or people think I really could have had a vaginal birth if I was more educated about labor and delivery. Like the mothers who say "I couldn't breastfeed" and they are met with eyerolls? For some of them it is the case and they are just as much a mother as the woman who breastfeeds with no issues from day one. I know it is rare for women to NEED c sections everytime, but just like the percentage of mamas who can't nurse, we are out there too.

[Storm Bride]

I don't feel all that judged most of the time. I don't spend a lot of time with other moms. I do see some of the local MDC moms sometimes, and...I know I'm one of the least crunchy of the bunch, and I'm okay with that. Nobody gives me any grief over it. I think the vibe in the local Tribe is pretty much "find what works for you and your family". I breastfeed, but not as long as many (around two). I cosleep. I've had all c-sections...but I don't think anyone would get on my case for that, because even random strangers on the street know how negative I am about it.

As for the more mainstream moms I know? I have one relative who probably thinks I'm a terrible mom, but since I'd tear my own arm off before I'd treat my kids the way she does, I don't much care, yk? Another one doesn't get me, because I do "everything the hard way". Hey - if she sees it that way, that's her business. She's more judgmental about the fact that I cook some Thai and Indian dishes (ewww...why?) and eat fair trade dark chocolate (Yuck - what a waste of money) than about my parenting.

My mom's pretty supportive, as are my in-laws. I don't really care what anyone else says.

Honestly...my ex-FIL said something to me and my ex about our parenting once. I told him that if his approach was so perfect, then his son would be doing it the same way, so maybe it wasn't that great? I don't think that's really true, but it did shut him up.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Snuzzmom

In all fairness, the mommy I feel most judged by is me.

:
I have a 16 year old son. He's well-adjusted, happy, creative, helpful, kind, responsible (in most ways - not so much about schoolwork), intelligent, athletic, socially gifted, enthusiastic, etc. etc. I'm not sure I've ever heard a bad word about him, beyond "he's not very organized" or "he needs to focus a little more on work, and less on socializing". Teachers like him. His friend's parents like him. His Scout leaders liked him. My relatives all like him. And, yet - I still second-guess so much about his life, and wish I'd done so many things differently. His childhood should have been so much better than it was...

ETA As to the "parenting comes with automatic guilt" question: I think that depends on how you're built. I am wired for guilt already, so for me, this statement is absolutely true. The good thing is, at least I know it and can try to chill out if I find myself going off the deep end.

This. I'm exactly the same way.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

Although, I will admit to sometimes feeling guilty for bringing a little being so perfect as my special girl, into this crazy crazy world...things are just so crazy these days and I worry about her future....but here she is, making her little corner of the universe a lighter and more loving place to be...so, you know...this is life. I give her the best that I can and am just overjoyed to know her!

I worry, too. But, you know...the world has always been crazy. I'm sure moms worried a lot during WWII and the Great Depression. Things do seem to work out, overall, eventually....

And, yeah - I like the "making her corner of the universe a lighter and more loving place to be". I hope my kids grow up to be happy people...but, in the meantime, they're spreading a bit of joy every time they smile, yk? (I remember ds1 singing a song on the bus once. It was rush hour, and everyone was...dour. He had at least half the bus smiling in less than minute...so cool.)

[marybethorama]

Originally Posted by lavender_mama

Sometimes it's not even face-to-face judging. Sometimes it's an article I'll read in a magazine or online chastising moms who don't breast feed or who circumcise. Sometimes I'll read an online post here or one of the other forums I go to. Sometimes I'll overhear a conversation about how gross breast feeding in public is (because even though I couldn't bf my son, I have every intention of bf-ing my daughter when she's born, if I can).

Awwww.

Don't let them get you down. It sounds like you're doing a great job.

It also sounds like your parents are super-judgmental. Maybe you could set some boundaries with them. It would be nice if they were supportive, but not all parents are like that (BTDT)

[lavender_mama]

Originally Posted by marybethorama

Awwww.

Don't let them get you down. It sounds like you're doing a great job.

It also sounds like your parents are super-judgmental. Maybe you could set some boundaries with them. It would be nice if they were supportive, but not all parents are like that (BTDT)

Thanks! That's the most supportive thing I've heard! And as for my parents, they really are great parents. I think they raised my brothers and I really well, and we're all really close. But I do things pretty differently from the way they do, so I wonder if they think I'm being pretensious or something. You know? Like "formula was good enough for you kids, but it's not for your baby?" I think maybe they have their own form of parent-guilt! I guess low self esteem runs in my family? Who knows?