Problem with neighborhood boys coming over uninvited - Page 2

[KristaDJ]

I've been through this too, lots of kids are starved for attention. They see a mom actually WITH a child and they want to play. I've always been very direct and honest but tried to be sensitive and accept them as part of life. I would tell them flat out if they are rude or need to leave but I would also try to give them some of our time if I could. You never know what they might learn from you.

[IntrovertExtrovert]

Originally Posted by KristaDJ

I've been through this too, lots of kids are starved for attention. They see a mom actually WITH a child and they want to play. I've always been very direct and honest but tried to be sensitive and accept them as part of life. I would tell them flat out if they are rude or need to leave but I would also try to give them some of our time if I could. You never know what they might learn from you.

That's what I think, too. It's similar to how you see so many posts here about "why do the unattended kids at the park always gravitate to me?" It's because we're actually involved parents, and a lot of kids are drawn to that.

OP, we have a few neighborhood kids who drop by all the time, too. I've taken to keeping my gate & garage door closed unless I don't mind them being over. I definitely keep my gate closed when I'm not home, now. There's one 6 year old in my complex who has a new baby sister, and his parents don't pay much attention to him lately. He always wants to play with us. Fortunately or not, there are enough other kids in the complex that he wanders from house to house if we're not available.

[Storm Bride]

Just in general, I'll say that I don't see anything weird about the kids approaching the OP, or about the fact that they want to play with her 2 year old. One of ds1's best friends at around 3 was our next door neighbour - a girl of 11.

I do find the whole poking around it the boxes in the garage a bit bizarre, though. Attached garages aren't very common here, but I honestly have trouble imagining any child I've ever known just walking into a stranger's garage and going through their stuff...

[Mountaingirl79]

Well, look at it this way...My son, for example, has never met a stranger.
He is used to going over to adult's houses ( friends of myself or my dh or my xdh who have kids, or not. Some of them are just really good friends of ours with animals) and hanging out in their yard/garage with the families. He thinks nothing of seeing an adult and child outside to play and going over and making himself at home. He would never, however, just go on in the house and make his self a snack or something. LOL I mean, just general questions about their stuff in the garage. He loves stuff.
I have no problem with them telling him " Don't touch that." or " We can't play today. Sammy needs a nap." He takes it in stride.

ETA: Most of the time around here, families have their scooters/bikes/ extra electronics in their garage. My DS is a magnet to all of those things. Like a kid in a candy store. LOL

If they are being obnoxious, then, by all means...tell then they need to go home now.

[Mountaingirl79]

Also, maybe....just maybe....it is an age thing.

I remember being fiercely protective of said DS when he was a baby and there were much older kids around.

Just some food for thought...

[PoppyMama]

Sounds pretty normal to me. An open garage with cool stuff in it is an icebreaker and lots of older kids like to play with/around little ones sometimes. When my kids were toddler/preschool age we always had older kids coming over to play for a while. I didn't mind at all. It's much more normal and natural than children only playing with their age group closely supervised by stifling (I realize that part is my opinion) parents. I really feel that childhood is getting lost. Thank goodness some parents still allow it (as my 9 & 11 year old roam unsupervised with their friends around the neighborhood). BTW- it's true that kids that age don't have fine tuned social skills yet so it's perfectly fine to tell them (in a kind but firm voice) that you need them to leave certain things alone or that it's time for them to go home. I can't wait until my soon to be born son has some older friends of his own.

[lilmom]

Wow, everyone has given me food for thought.

First and foremost, please let me state again that these boys came INTO my garage unannounced, uninvited, and without introducing themselves and began rumming through my husband's things.

To me, that is so unacceptable and wierd that I really was not even sure how to react.

Had nothing to do with the fact that they are boys.

When I was a kid their ages, I lived in a neighborhood with lots of other kids, and we roamed wherever we pleased. Never, never, never would I have gone into someone's garage without knowing them first. Even if I was 9 yrs old. I would have introduced myself, gotten to know them. I would not have run in and started touching things that were not mine. Never.

Maybe this is actually normal in some places and maybe I am very strict about boundaries but I was extremely uncomfortable and I have a right to feel comfortable on my own property. Also I might add that an open garage does not mean, in my book, that anyone can just run in.

Ok so that all being said...a few pp's wondered why I was suspicious. Two reasons. One, I had a gut feeling about it. Yes I know that is not concrete evidence but I am a strong believer in gut feelings. They're usually right.

Two, these boys kept making comments indicating they felt that DH and DS and I had a lot nicer, cooler stuff than they have. It was in such a way that just was making me really uncomfortable. As if it was unfair that we had nice things and they did not. Maybe I was reading too much into it. But in particular, I did not trust one of the boys. The other two, I think probably are harmless and just kind of going along.

I will post more in a minute, I need to go back and read over again..I will try to learn how to use quotes..sorry, I'm pretty new still

Thanks for all the responses.

[lilmom]

Originally Posted by Lovemy3babies

This is funny. If you go through my past posts, yesterday I posted this exact scenario. WHY oh WHY do 9-12 year olds want to play with my 4 kids who are 3 and under?! It makes no sense!

I am glad I am not the only one who thinks this is strange. I really, really do still think it's strange. I remember when I was a kid, we had a little girl who lived across the street from us who was 4 and I was 8 when we moved to that house. SHE wanted to play with me and my siblings, but we did not want to play with her because she was so much younger that it was kind of boring and also annoying to us because she was a preschooler and could not do the things we could do, couldn't leave her yard, etc. I felt sorry for her sometimes and would go play with her, but not because I wanted to. And I certainly never went to her house trying to play with her.

Now I do realize that maybe not every child would feel this way. Maybe some kids would genuinely enjoy playing with a younger child. But my child is still pretty much a baby, and it just seems bizarre to me that these kids would want to play with him. So I am actually surprised at how many others think this is very normal.

And I would not feel any differently if they were girls, for the record. It would still be wierd to me.

[lilmom]

Originally Posted by Mountaingirl79

Also, maybe....just maybe....it is an age thing.

I remember being fiercely protective of said DS when he was a baby and there were much older kids around.

Just some food for thought...

Yes, you are right. I do feel protective of him, since he is little and is my first child. *but* I also feel that this is good, for me to be protective of him. I certainly would not feel comfortable letting him play with boys I did not know, who were rude to us, without me being present.

[limabean]

You have zero obligation to open your home to anyone, for any reason. You don't need to justify your feelings at all.

Just be perfectly clear and firm about your boundaries. Be pleasant, but don't worry about being abrupt by saying things like, "We're not having visitors right now. Bye!" and closing the door.

[camracrazy]

FWIW, I would have thought the exact same thing you did.... that one or more of the kids were looking for something to steal. Maybe it's just the neighborhood we live in! We have had a guy come into our yard and try to walk off with our lawn mower like it was no big deal (and no, it wasn't in a place that it could readily be seen). I've also had people take stuff off of our enclosed porch (again, you couldn't tell that there was anything there unless you were at a certain point in our driveway or on the porch itself).

If you don't feel comfortable with it, then don't let them bully you. I would also be sure that your DS's toys were put away every night so that there isn't any chance of them "disappearing". Maybe you could browse the internet for events that are happening near you so that when they come to the door, you can redirect them in a nice way. For example, if you have a library near by, you could say, "DS cannot come out and play, but I heard that XYZ is going on at the library. Maybe you could check that out." Then politely but firmly close the door.

[BroodyWoodsgal]

camracrazy....my stomach just turned over reading your post...I would feel so violated if someone stole from me like that...like I said, we're really really sensitive about boundries and having someone walk into my enclosed porch and steal something...we'd be looking to move. I'm serious...we couldn't deal with that...that's insane. We could never feel comfortable living like that and I'm so sorry you live around such horrid, beastly, disrespectful people.

OP....some people are saying this is normal, my gut disagrees. I asked two friends about this last night, both of whom are loving, caring, kid friendly mothers of boys in the 9-13 range...and they both were shocked at this behavior. Don't feel for a moment, like you should feel guilty for not opening your home to them, even if they have parents who aren't doing their jobs....YOU ARE doing your job as a parent and you should not feel obligated to open your home and entertain rude children from the block, just because they don't have involved parents. These are not your children, they were RUDE and made you feel uncomfortable and you just don't have to loosen your boundries for anyone, at any time...you don't. You don't have to explain yourself or any of that...you have a right to do what you wish and allow or deny access to your personal space at any time, to anyone.

I love friendly kids...I love the kind of kid, who never met a stranger...*I* was that kind of kid myself...but these kids weren't interested in meeting the OP, they were interested in the OPs stuff and the LOs toys, etc. They didn't walk up, talking a mile a minute "Hi I'm Mikey, I live over there, you live over here, my mom said I could come over here, these are my friends, hey, is this your stuff, this is sooo cool! Can I touch it!?" - they just walked in and started handling her things. Not cool, not even a little bit cool, not friendly, not okay. Just...no.

[The4OfUs]

Originally Posted by AverysMomma

I love friendly kids...I love the kind of kid, who never met a stranger...*I* was that kind of kid myself...but these kids weren't interested in meeting the OP, they were interested in the OPs stuff and the LOs toys, etc. They didn't walk up, talking a mile a minute "Hi I'm Mikey, I live over there, you live over here, my mom said I could come over here, these are my friends, hey, is this your stuff, this is sooo cool! Can I touch it!?" - they just walked in and started handling her things. Not cool, not even a little bit cool, not friendly, not okay. Just...no.

:

I agree with other posters that their curiosity, desire to play with "new", cool things, and desire for positive adult attention is completely normal for their age and not concerning.

I cannot rate their walking into the OPs garage uninvited and unannounced, not introducing themselves, picking through her stuff, inviting themselves into the back yard, and badgering her until she finally relented as normal, or acceptable. Kids their age might be a little slow on social cues, but jeepers. It's just rude, no matter what their age or sex.


OP, we had a bored/lonely little girl about 3 years older than our son who wanted to be playing with us every single time we were outside, too. She was a little rougher physically and verbally than I was comfortbale with, so I would only let her come over when I felt up to it. And I was honest with her. I'd tell her, "I'm not up to watching all of you right now, and if you're in my yard, you're my responsibility and I have to watch you. We'll be out again later, and tomorrow, so we'll try then." She'd be disappointed, but would then go and find someone else to play with...and when she did come over, she always asked first. And she introduced herself the first time we were in our yard and she came out after they moved in. And she was only 6.

If I were you, I'd say to them next time, "Guys, I don't know anything about you, like your names, or anything like that. We need to know each other a little better before you can come play, and you can't be picking through the garage." and if they won't listen, or press, try the "I can't watch all of you right now, come back tomorrow" thing, and tell them they need to go. Personally, I would let them play sometimes, if only to forge a little good will, but I'd also make it on my terms and not theirs, since technically you are responsible for them if they're on your property.

[AbbieB]

I am a Mom of the little kid (5 years old) on the block that desperately wants to play with the big kids (and my mother says I was like this too.)

The big kids here DO NOT want to play with her. The first few times DD tried to play they included her just enough to be mean to her. Of course they were more than willing to play with (and in some cases take) her stuff. I was a little shocked when I had to explain to the 9/10/11 year olds why they could not just take her "treasures" from her sandbox home (I'm talking about some of those floral glass stones that come in bright treasures.)

Some of these kids also would not talk to me. If I yelled "Hello" to them while I was checking my mail they would run and hide. (I think this behavior is really weird and gave me enough of a gut feeling of creepiness that I did not allow DD to go over to the yard of these kids from the get go.)

I also got the vibe from some of the parents that it was not OK to let my DD walk over (with me in tow the first few times) to ask to play, even if the kids were clearly playing outside already.

DD doesn't really understand why I will not let her go play with them anymore.

I share this just to give some perspective. Kids are all different. Each neighborhood has it's own culture. In some areas some things are acceptable and some are not. If you are new to an area than I think it is not outside the realm of possibility that something that is normal for the area would creep you out. At the same time it's perfectly OK to set your boundaries and stick to them.

[Brisen]

Originally Posted by Storm Bride

Just in general, I'll say that I don't see anything weird about the kids approaching the OP, or about the fact that they want to play with her 2 year old. One of ds1's best friends at around 3 was our next door neighbour - a girl of 11.

I do find the whole poking around it the boxes in the garage a bit bizarre, though. Attached garages aren't very common here, but I honestly have trouble imagining any child I've ever known just walking into a stranger's garage and going through their stuff...

:

When my oldest was about that age, we lived in a townhouse complex. Lots of greenspace in the middle, lots of kids running around. Kids around 8-12 loved playing with the younger ones, and would come over to play with ds. They were nice kids and I had no problem with it, but they wouldn't just come into our private space or anything like that. In your shoes, OP, I would find them coming in really odd and unsettling, and from what you described, it didn't sound like they wanted to play with your ds. With the kids I knew, they would play games with ds, make allowances for his age, take him for walks, etc.

I'm often surprised at what kids feel is acceptable. We have kids who wait for the bus in front of our porch. I felt sorry for them one day when it was freezing cold and raining, and said they could come up on the porch to get out of the rain if they wanted. Now, they're always there -- playing with my kids' toys, climbing on the railing, pulling it up out of the concrete, using our snow shovel to bang our eavestrough so icicles will fall off, leaving snack wrappers in our garden. : We've had older kids running through our back yard, playing water gun games, and filling up their guns at our outdoor spout, or cutting through our yard on their way to school. I can see doing it when no one is around (I mean, I wouldn't, but I can see how it would feel like it was not a problem), but it has happened when I'm out in the yard, hanging laundry. It's just weird to me.

But, generally, when they're actually playing with my kids, they're great.

[Storm Bride]

Originally Posted by Brisen

:

When my oldest was about that age, we lived in a townhouse complex. Lots of greenspace in the middle, lots of kids running around. Kids around 8-12 loved playing with the younger ones, and would come over to play with ds. They were nice kids and I had no problem with it, but they wouldn't just come into our private space or anything like that.

Yeah. I was thinking about this thread yesterday. DD goes out and plays in the complex on her own. DS2 isn't allowed. So, I took him out, but dd was at her friend's house, and they were doing "girl stuff" and didn't want ds2 to join them (dd did, but the other two girls didn't). I took ds2 to the playground area in our complex. There were 3 other boys there...one is 7.5, and I don't know the other two, but I'd guess they were about 9 or 10. DS2 walked up to them, and wanted to play, so they included him, and that was that. Eventually, dd and the other two girls came out and joined them. So, there were...8 kids, ranging from 3 to about 10, all playing a variant of tag. Then, they started looking for bugs in the bushes and stuff.

As another poster said, I think a lot of it is neighbourhood culture. The culture in our complex is one where kids of all ages play together all the time. My neighbourhood as a child was very similar. There really doesn't seem to be a divide until the older kids start hitting puberty. Two of dd's "playmates" are girls of 10 or 11, and I'm seeing signs that one of them is starting to lose interest in hanging out with dd. She's also starting to show physical signs of puberty. It just seems to be the way it works.

In your shoes, OP, I would find them coming in really odd and unsettling, and from what you described, it didn't sound like they wanted to play with your ds.

Yeah - that part sounded really off. With the kids I knew, they would play games with ds, make allowances for his age, take him for walks, etc.