No one else thinks being away from a 13 month old for 12 hours is a problem

[RLWS]

I'm a bridesmaid in a wedding this July. I'm very excited about it, and expected most of the responsibilities and am fine with them. Including how this wedding is no-kids and so the day of the wedding my mother-in-law will be watching my 5 year old and my baby that evening.

My issue is with the bachelorette party. I know bridesmaids are expected to attend all pre-wedding parties. Originally the bachelorette party was going to be dinner and drinks in a city that's 1.5 hours from me. I thought that would be ok. I would have been home by 10:00. But now the other bridesmaids have changed it up and want to surprise the bride with a concert after dinner. That means I would be away from my house from 2:30 in the afternoon until probably 2:30 that morning. My husband will be with the kids, so most people don't see the problem.

The problem is that my 13 month old only goes to sleep nursing or in the car. She doesn't take a pacifier. She also still wakes up at least 5 times a night, and most of those wakings are in the early part of the night. We've tried it before where I'm out and she wakes up and my husband tries to get her back to sleep. When I come back they're always up and playing happily with toys. She screams when he tries to rock her. She just associates sleeping with nursing. I don't think it would work to have him drive her around all that time, because my 5 year old wouldn't be happy to sleep in the car like that.

I think this concert will be fun. I want to live up to my responsibilities. But I do not want to leave my baby for that long. Will I be a bad bridesmaid if I say no? I know these other ladies won't understand my reason. After all, they might think it's the baby's dad with her, why should that be a problem?
And am I wrong? Should it be a problem? Should I leave him with the kids knowing that she either won't sleep or that she'll cry a lot before sleeping?

I thought about going to the dinner part and skipping the concert. Would that be rude?

Please give me your thoughts, I don't know what to do. Thanks!

-Lora

[~ Wonderful Life ~]

If you're not comfortable, don't go. Hopefully your friends will understand and be respectful of your choice.

I think attending the dinner and having some drinks is fulfilling your "obligation" to celebrate with the bride.

[lifeguard]

Personally being out until 2:30am when I know I have to be up at 6:00am with my baby wouldn't be an option. I'd go for dinner & then head home. You were there & fulfilled your duty.

[mamazee]

You don't have to go to the concert if it doesn't work for you. That's a late addition to the plans and it's OK to miss that.

[mamatoablessing]

I agree. If you can swing dinner then you've fulfilled your "obligation", IMO. The concert would be an added bonus which I don't think you have to attend. That is a long time to be away from the baby and plus, it's tough getting up with the kids after only a few hours sleep. That's one thing I never understood when I was single and childless!

[BroodyWoodsgal]

Oh honey....go to the dinner and then go home...it's just going to make for a terrible nights sleep and nothing but stress for you and your baby if you try to bend to this last minute addition.

I'm SURE that they will understand. Your babys needs have to come first..13 months is so little...my babe turned one two days ago and she's a baby still...One year old is not so big, they still need their mama so much at that age. My LO has gone back to needing TONS more nighttime parenting from me than she's needed for the last few months.

It's just going to make everyone miserable if your babe is not getting the mama time she needs...you, your DH, your babe...you're all going to be tired, stressed out and cranky if you aren't there to give the LO what she needs!

[mamabutterfly]

This just happened with my little sister's wedding last summer. My other sis & I are in our 30's with little kids, and we did a bachlorette night with dinner then going out on the town -- and us two moms did the dinner part and let the rest of them go out to enjoy part 2. It was perfect.

Personally I think it sets a great example for attachment and good mothering that you put your 13 month old nursling's needs first here... the pre-motherhood girls might not get that now, but maybe down the road.

The only other thing *might* be to offer to split your part of any money obligation for the concert... like, would you guys be buying the bride's ticket? You could make sure you are in on those costs and just say, "Wish I could be there, but dd still needs mama at night. Have a great time!" Very matter-of-fact, don't even apologize for it. Life has it's phases, you do what you can do. (That goes for the wedding itself, too, IMO).

[phathui5]

I think it would be fine to go to the dinner and then head home. Just let everyone know in advance that you won't be able to make it to the concert.

[savvybabygrace]

I totally agree with all the other mamas, don't feel bad about not being able to attend the concert.
I'll be going through the same thing next summer when my littlest sister gets married - I'll have a 13 or 14 month old then.

[spmamma]

I completely agree with the other posters here. Go to the dinner, but skip the concert. I'm sure everyone will understand, especially since you'll be there for the main bonding portion. No one can really talk to each other during a concert, so even though it might be fun you won't miss out on the "girl time".

[honeybee]

You need to do what's right for you and your dd. It doesn't matter if they understand or not. Don't explain. Just say "I'm happy to participate in the first part of the evening, and then I will have to head home because my daughter will need me. Enjoy yourselves!" Repeat ad nauseum. Just stay upbeat and firm. You have nothing to feel guilty about. You are already doing a lot for the bride.

[mamatoablessing]

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

Personally I think it sets a great example for attachment and good mothering that you put your 13 month old nursling's needs first here... the pre-motherhood girls might not get that now, but maybe down the road.

100% agree with this statement!

[_betsy_]

I think it's totally acceptable to go to the dinner and drinks, and skip the concert. Help pay the bride's way, but only stick around for what you want to do. I think heading to dinner an hour and a half away is certainly being a good bridesmaid.

Just say it's too late for you to stay out with the kids getting up so early, and you're not comfortable driving home so late, or whatever. I'd probably explain now, ahead of time, what you're willing to do and why, so that there isn't a lot of pressure to stick around that night.

[dubfam]

So, do you WANT to go to the concert? If you didn't have a nursling, would you be excited to go?

That would be the main decider for me. If you actually want to go to the concert, but are worried about your baby, I say go. Baby will be fine, is with Dad, etc even though she will cry more than normal. Sometimes I think that is okay if Mom is getting a much needed break.

But if you aren't even interested in the concert, or there is no way in heck that you will enjoy yourself because you will be worrying about your lo then just go to dinner and head home.

I have left my (now 18 months) ebf babe with my husband until late at night (okay practically all night...I am a party girl ) when I really needed a break. I felt a little guilty the first couple times, but now I am okay with it here and there. I don't know if I would have felt comfortable being so far away, though. And my lo will take a bottle.

So I totally understand your dilemma and no matter what I think you need to make this decision from the standpoint of what is best for your family. I also agree with the idea about chipping in on the price of the concert ticket.

[dubfam]

Originally Posted by mamabutterfly

Personally I think it sets a great example for attachment and good mothering that you put your 13 month old nursling's needs first here... the pre-motherhood girls might not get that now, but maybe down the road.

And if she goes to the concert that is still being a good, attached Mother.

ALWAYS putting baby's needs first often results in a super burnt out Mom.
I know you probably didn't mean it this way, but it sounds like you are saying that going out with friends is not something that a GOOD ATTACHED Mother would do, especially if their one year old child wasn't happy about it.

Attached parents do not need to be literally 'Attached' to their children 24/7. What about attached parents who work full time?

Again, I doubt you even meant it that way, but it felt like that to me when I read it.

I hope that makes sense...

[LynnS6]

The only people who should have input on this are you - as you'll be the one who has to be up until 2:30 and your dh because he too will have to be up late.

If you want to go, and your dh is truly OK with doing what it takes to stay up with your dd (or help her fall asleep), then I would go. If you really don't want to be out that late or your dh thinks it's too much for him, then go to the dinner and skip the concert.

[MeepyCat]

I have had, reluctantly, to pass on a bunch of things that would be fun that conflicted with children's needs. There have been concerts and plays that I would have *loved* to go to, but would have meant no sleep for anyone in the house and horribly grouchy day after. Sometimes parenthood has sucky bits like that.

Whether or not to attempt the concert is a question you have decide based on your desire and your DH's willingness to cope with a sleepless baby. Whatever decision you make is fine.

It is not at all rude to go for dinner and drinks and skip the concert. Good friends will understand.

[Kirsten]

I agree with dubfam. If you WANT to go to the concert, go. Little one will be at home with daddy. It may not be the easiest bedtime, but they will get through it together - and I think that is actually really important for their relationship. Waiting til kids are three or four to leave them with dad for extended periods, including bedtime and/or overnight, isn't necessary or even ideal IMO.

Dads find their own way. We have our normal routine - how we feed them, bathe them, put them to sleep. Do they prefer this "usual" method - probably. But dads can get the job done too. It may be hard for US - "it works better if you..." or "he likes..." or "I always..." but 1) I didn't want my kids to be so set in ONE SPECIFIC WAY that if I couldn't be there, their world fell apart and 2) I didn't want to make my dp feel like he couldn't parent HIS OWN CHILD. I think sometimes the mama instinct is so strong that we forget we are HALF of the equation.

I think you should go to the concert because 1) it would be fun for YOU - a break, 2) it would further your dp's confidence in his ability to take care of his child, 3) bonding time with dad and kids, and 4) make your friend happy you could be with her during the bachelorette.

[RLWS]

Thank you so much everyone! I think I will go to the dinner and skip the concert. I do think the concert would be fun, and if she was just a year older I would probably go. But I would be too worried about her if I went, I think. I have a hard time saying no, so this will be a good experience for me. I'm relieved to know that the consensus is that it won't be rude to just do the first part.

Thanks!
-Lora

[averlee]

Hey, maybe we're freaks of nature, but my 25 month old daughter and I could probably not tolerate a 12 hour period apart. She's still nursing, but also...she wants me. And you know what? I want her, too. I know lots of other mom/kid pairs would be fine with it. Lots of kids are in day care 10-12 hours every day.
What one person thinks is fine, the next will find totally unacceptable- candy, for instance.