Help me understand this

[Alyantavid]

Ok my almost 3 year old ds is often mistaken for a girl. He's got long hair, painted toenails and is almost always dragging around a naked baby doll and his blankie.

I don't really mind that people call him "she" or anything like that. But the judgment I get from people when they find out he is a boy shocks me. I've been asked if I wanted a girl because of his hair (since I have 2 boys), I've been told that when he gets older, I'll "have to stop doing that to him" (painting his toenails), and people constantly tell me to cut his hair.

I can deal with all this, but I hate that he hears it. I hate that he has to hear that its somehow wrong for him to have his hair and have his nails painted. He's a little boy and doesn't know why people would think its bad. I don't want him to change who he is and what he likes because of what other people think.

So my question is, what is the great concern about a toddler doing/having things that are considered for girls?

[Megan73]

I think that as a society we're uncomfortable with anyone who transgresses the typical rules of gender which are enforced everywhere – starting from the minute we learn a baby's sex. Girlbabies are called little princesses; boys are told in the cradle how big and strong they are.
I'm not surprised you're getting this reaction with your son. Just say confidently that he's a happy kid and it's OK to be different.
(That's assuming he WANTS to have his nails painted. I'd be surprised to see any three-year-old – boy or girl – with a mani/pedi )

[Alyantavid]

(That's assuming he WANTS to have his nails painted. I'd be surprised to see any three-year-old – boy or girl – with a mani/pedi )

See? That's what I mean. Do people honestly think I hold my son down and paint his toenails? He begs for me to do it and since I have no reason to NOT do it, I do.

[sisteeesmama]

People can be morons and other words I probably can't post here.......it sucks, though, sorry you have to deal with that, your kid sounds like a CUTIE!

[LynnS6]

People are weirded out when you don't follow their expectations, period.

Ds went through a period when he was 3-4 when he loved to have his nails painted. Picture I was surprised at how many people were weirded out by that, included my very liberal sister. He wanted it because it looked cool, was sparkly and all the other kids (who happen to be girls) in the neighborhood were doing it.

Ds is 8 now, and very very aware of gender stereotypes and won't wear anything that might make him look like a girl. Part of me is sad about that.

[Alyantavid]

Originally Posted by LynnS6

People are weirded out when you don't follow their expectations, period.

Ds went through a period when he was 3-4 when he loved to have his nails painted. Picture I was surprised at how many people were weirded out by that, included my very liberal sister. He wanted it because it looked cool, was sparkly and all the other kids (who happen to be girls) in the neighborhood were doing it.

Ds is 8 now, and very very aware of gender stereotypes and won't wear anything that might make him look like a girl. Part of me is sad about that.

How cute! My 7 year old is also aware of the stereotypes and follows them. Which annoys me that he's had to learn about them, so I may be clinging a little hard to the idea of letting my toddler be a toddler while he can.

[bluebunny]

(That's assuming he WANTS to have his nails painted. I'd be surprised to see any three-year-old – boy or girl – with a mani/pedi

My two-year old begs to have her toenails painted. My mom says she sits very still and won't move her feet until she is told that the paint is dry.

As to the OP's question: I think gender stereotypes in our society are very strong. My son has curly hair and gets called a girl all the time, even after we trimmed his hair. I guess people don't think boys can have curly hair.

I would ignore the naysayers and move on. To me, it wouldn't be worth the fight.

[mama_mojo]

I would be surprised by a 3yo who didn't want his/her nails painted. I used nail polish during potty learning. I would paint one nail (feet only because I didn't want it in their mouths) per potty- tunity. My son, 9, still likes to have his nails painted. I just don't think it's that weird. Gender is so un- attached at that age. And, often, "girl" things are more interesting; girls are granted so many more accessories and designs and textures in our culture- butterflies, rainbows, sparkly shoes, tulle, funky socks, crazy underwear patterns, hair things, jewelry, etc. DS has chosen "girl" accessories all his life because he likes things that sparkle. WHY do sparkles belong only to girls???

Anyway, no answer here, just sympathy. I know toddlers do not particularly identify genders the way adults and older kids do. I think perhaps laughing at these crazy things people say might be the only real answer.

[mama_mojo]

Originally Posted by bluebunny

As to the OP's question: I think gender stereotypes in our society are very strong. My son has curly hair and gets called a girl all the time, even after we trimmed his hair. I guess people don't think boys can have curly hair. :eyeroll

I would ignore the naysayers and move on. To me, it wouldn't be worth the fight.

Funny anecdote- DD2 thought boys had brown eyes and girls had blue when she was three, because that is what happens to be true in our nearest circle of friends. It just further points up our own absurdity regarding gender markers.

[beansmama]

Originally Posted by Megan73

(That's assuming he WANTS to have his nails painted. I'd be surprised to see any three-year-old – boy or girl – with a mani/pedi )

My daughter has been begging for her toenails/fingernails to be painted since before she was TWO. She loves it...some kids will hold still

[riverscout]

Originally Posted by Megan73

(That's assuming he WANTS to have his nails painted. I'd be surprised to see any three-year-old – boy or girl – with a mani/pedi )

Several of my 3.5 year old daughters friends often have their toe nails, fingernails, or both painted...of their own choosing I might add. One of her almost 3 year old friends has frequently been caught in her mom's bathroom doing it herself :. I don't use polish myself, but I imagine if I did, my daughter would be very interested in trying it too.

Anyway, as to whole gender stereotyping, it drives me nuts too. People are always calling my daughter "princess" and she HATES it, as do I. I never told her I hate it though, so it's not my opinion she is mimicking. I think she just doesn't like the way it makes her feel. Also, I get giggles here and there about my infant son wearing pink pajamas (hand-me-downs from his sister). He's a baby for goodness sake . People are so weird sometimes.

[claddaghmom]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

Ok my almost 3 year old ds is often mistaken for a girl. He's got long hair, painted toenails and is almost always dragging around a naked baby doll and his blankie.

I don't really mind that people call him "she" or anything like that. But the judgment I get from people when they find out he is a boy shocks me. I've been asked if I wanted a girl because of his hair (since I have 2 boys), I've been told that when he gets older, I'll "have to stop doing that to him" (painting his toenails), and people constantly tell me to cut his hair.

I can deal with all this, but I hate that he hears it. I hate that he has to hear that its somehow wrong for him to have his hair and have his nails painted. He's a little boy and doesn't know why people would think its bad. I don't want him to change who he is and what he likes because of what other people think.

So my question is, what is the great concern about a toddler doing/having things that are considered for girls?

Wow, it never even occurred to me that people think what you describe is abnormal. I grew up thinking the toddler and early childhood stage was a period where boys and girls did not make gender-based decisions. E.g. I remember all my brothers going through a phase of playing with dolls, painting nails, wearing makeup etc. It's what the girls were doing and we all played together so why would it be wrong?

And so far they are all strapping young men who are quite confident in their manliness. Although 20yo brother D did wear a woman's prom dress, wig and makeup for halloween a couple years ago...the photos from the night will make great girlfriend blackmail bwuhahaha.

I remember my MIL had trouble with this issue a few years ago and I couldn't figure it out...your post gives me more insight. Her then 3yo son had very pretty, curly long hair. She didn't want to cut it off b/c it was just darling and apparently the curls never come back in her children once they are cut off. Anyways, they were sitting in the front pew of church one Sunday when the priest points at him and says, "This little girl is very well-behaved." I think he got his hair cut that day.

[hhrules]

I think that when people tell you you will have to stop doing that to him, or that you will soon have to cut his hair, or whatever, you can just respond with "Really?" and a very quizzacle (sp?) expression and then move on. The odd things that people think they need to explain to you regarding how your raise your children is very curious indeed. My kids went around with face paint beautifully decorating their faces on a very regular basis. When people would explain to me how that was for some reason not ok, I would just say, "Oh isnt is so cute. Childhood is such a short time to be cherished" and move on.

I would agree with PP that I cant imagine a little child of any age not wanting beautiful colorful toenail polish like Mommy has. My nephew (now 8) still likes his toes painted. However, at gymnastics a couple of years ago the coach told him he couldnt come to gymnastics with painted toenails because that is something girls do. He spoke up for himself and told the coach that he wouldnt be back then because it doesnt matter whether a person is a girl or a boy, they should be allowed to wear toenail polish if they want. And he didnt go back. Silly coach

[MusicianDad]

Because girls are weak and naive and unable to help themselves and incapable of being independant and strong. Boys doing things that are girly just makes him less of a boy.

(Yes I am being sarcastic)

Girls can do boy things, but boys can't do girl things. Some people even think girls shouldn't do girl things. No one really stops to think about it much and consider the possiblity that each child in their own independant person and that what they like and how they behave towards others are not a cause and effect.

For the people who tell you to stop doing that to him... Well being the kind of person I am, I would probably turn it around and tell them to stop insulting his masculinity just because he likes having long hair and painted nails. Longest hair I ever saw was on a guy who was a boy clean through!

DD and I do each others nails sometimes.

[KimL]

i totally do not have a problem with kids having fun with their costumes or whatever. But to think that everyone else will just assume it's a boy in that particular costume is a bit far fetched... don't you think? Even the biggest dirtiest hippy may be confused!!!

[sbrinton]

Our family believes in more traditional gender roles, but I would never say anything negative about how another family works this out.

And for what it's worth, our boys have dolls and sometimes have had longer hair. Our rule around hair is that if they want it long, they have to wash it. Our oldest doesn't really want to wash it, so we just cut his short! :-)

I don't think parents should be painting a child's nails - boy or girl - unless the child thinks it is fun. It's something that women do to look beautiful or sexy and it's not appropriate for little girls to do it just to be like an adult woman. But if a little girl, or I guess boy, wants color on their nails, I don't see the harm in playing.

[AbbieB]

Originally Posted by KimL

i totally do not have a problem with kids having fun with their costumes or whatever. But to think that everyone else will just assume it's a boy in that particular costume is a bit far fetched... don't you think? Even the biggest dirtiest hippy may be confused!!!

I don't think the fact that people mistake her son for a girl is the issue. The issue is that some people feel the need to say negative things when they discover the mistake.

[Mama Mko]

My son is almost 4 (tomorrow!!) and he has long hair. I often paint his toenails. I get a lot of people calling him a girl and asking me why he has long hair or commenting on the fact that he has painted toenails. I usually say "Daddy has long hair and we like it. " and try to ignore them. It's really obnoxious though.

[swd12422]

Originally Posted by Alyantavid

See? That's what I mean. Do people honestly think I hold my son down and paint his toenails? He begs for me to do it and since I have no reason to NOT do it, I do.

I think if he likes it, and you're okay with it, do it. Who cares what others think? And that's a great way to teach him that what others think about his appearance doesn't matter.

(I also have to laugh, though, b/c I was horrified that my strict SIL allowed her 5-year-old to get a mani/pedi. I was raised that little girls "don't wear nail polish -- it's for grownups." I'm really not sure what I'd do if my child asked for polish so young...)

[itsrtimedownhere]

haha this reminds me of one time we went out for dinner. the server came walked up to out table from behind my husband. she said something like "what can i get you ladies to drink?" he has very long curly hair. she was mortified. it was so funny.

another time we were out to eat and my 2 year old was wearing a white shirt w/ red sweater vest, khaki pants, baseball cap and sneakers. the server said "oh i will get her a special PINK straw." i think that sometimes people are just dumb.