Please help us break our TV/computer habit!

[boysmom2]

So, during my last pregnancy I was REALLY exhausted. I let some bad habits develop and now I don't know how to get back to normal. I have 3 boys: 7yo, 4.5yo, and 3weeks. My older 2 have always been really bright, interesting kids who were interested in all kinds of things. Really creative and curious. Because I was so tired, I gave in and let them watch a lot of TV. Then, DS1 found the vast world of online computer games thanks to his computer "class" at school (thanks a lot school!. So then he and his brother wanted to play computer games at home. I wasn't too crazy about it, but I caved. About a month ago I decided on a limit of 1 hour of screen time per child per day. So, they could watch one 1/2 hr show and have 30min online, or spend the whole hour on one or the other. Well, they've been choosing to spend the whole hour online, and then they watch each other play, so that ends up being 2 hours that they're in front of the computer.

In addition to that, they got to play their uncle's Wii a few months ago. They decided that they had to have one, so DH (without asking me first) told them that they could save their money for one. They could earn extra money from us by doing extra jobs around the house, etc. The point was for this to take a long time, have them learn something about saving money, etc. Well, word got out that they were saving for this and suddenly aunts and uncles and grandparents were contributing and they got it this week. So now we have this too. I didn't put any limits on how much time they could play it this week since it's new, but I'm going to have to.

So, my problem is not so much TV or games, because I think in moderation they can be fine. My problem is finding a way to keep it to a reasonable amount and more importantly that my boys don't want to do ANYTHING else. I tried to suggest going to the garden shop today to pick out flowers and veggies to plant in the yard. This resulted in a full blown tantrum by my 7yo. He was upset because we went to the library (his idea) and Target yesterday so he didn't have time to play on the computer and if we shopped for plants today he wouldn't have enough time to do it today either. A year ago this kid would have been SO excited to buy plants and work in the garden. I used to say that my kids would live outside if I let them. Now, they would much rather sit inside at the computer or in front of the TV. I'm so sad!

Wow, this is a lot longer than I meant for it to be. If you've gotten this far, I'd love to hear your thoughts on how to fix this. Thanks!

[redpajama]

When my four-year-old son had a similar breakdown (throwing a fit because we made him turn off a video game, which we had been letting him play for ~30-60 minutes every 1-3 days, we just explained to him that when he was mature enough for video games, he would be mature enough to stop when it was necessary. In this case, had hadn't gotten to play the full 30 minutes or whatever, but we needed to leave the house for something and were running late (he had been warned when he started that there wasn't going to be 30 minutes for him to play), and he started yelling and crying and stomping his feet about it being unfair, et cetera. We told him video games (he was playing a game he has for my husband's play station) were entirely out for a while, until we felt he was more mature. It's been 3 months or so. After about a month, we began letting him play educational games on his "Leapster" handheld system, and he made a point of showing us that he could stop when it was time (in fact, he made a point, for a while, of always stopping *ahead* of time ). The other day, at a friend's house, we made an exception and let him play their Wii for 20-30 minutes, and he was fine about stopping when it was over (I think they stopped on their own then, too, actually). We're still not re-introducing the video games. He finds better things to do when it's not available and, at his age, I feel that a more cut-and-dried approach works better than a cutting-back approach. If you turn it all off entirely for a little while, you may be able to begin allowing it again in a few weeks/month, at a more moderate rate.
Good luck!

[mommajb]

I finally I told my family if they watch more than one other person's turn it counts as their screen time. I get that the games can be social but If everybody played for 1 hour and watched everybody else play that would be 7 hours a day. I do not penalize the older kids for helping the younger as long as they are helping and not slipping into watching.

I believe it is okay to be bored. After being bored long enough they will figure out what they want to do. I provide a 'rich' environment but if I suggest something it will almost always turn negative. A pretty good routine and set of daily expectations to let them know what can happen when keeps us on course. Maybe if they knew they could use their one hour a day only after lunch and when all obligations had been met it would help?

[Super Pickle]

I had a similar experience with my third pregnancy; I felt so tired and awful that I let the older boys watch TV and play Wii a lot and had to deal with it later. As soon as I started feeling better, I just explained to them that we were taking a break from electronic screens. It was a rough week or so while they begged, negotiated, said they hated me, etc., but then it really turned around. They lost all interest in TV....it's been almost a year and they hardly ever watch or ask to watch TV. As for the Wii, they still love it, but there is a very specific time set aside for it : Saturday morning from whenever they wake up until whenever I wake up, and then Saturday night after dinner until bedtime. I never budge on that. For a while they tried to negotiate it, trade time, etc., but I held firm, and it wasn't too long before they fell into a pattern of forgetting about video games the rest of the week and waking up super early on Saturday to play them -- and letting me sleep in . Oh, and during the day on Saturday, I try to plan something that *I* feel is worthwhile so that they don't sit around all day waiting to play or htinking about playing (today we went to the nature preserve and caught tadpoles and water bugs). SO, I find it really, really helps to set aside a specific block of time during which they're allowed to play and never wavering, so that they do not spend every minute thinking about when they're going to get to play next.

[vocalise]

Originally Posted by Super Pickle

I had a similar experience with my third pregnancy; I felt so tired and awful that I let the older boys watch TV and play Wii a lot and had to deal with it later. As soon as I started feeling better, I just explained to them that we were taking a break from electronic screens. It was a rough week or so while they begged, negotiated, said they hated me, etc., but then it really turned around. They lost all interest in TV....it's been almost a year and they hardly ever watch or ask to watch TV. As for the Wii, they still love it, but there is a very specific time set aside for it : Saturday morning from whenever they wake up until whenever I wake up, and then Saturday night after dinner until bedtime. I never budge on that. For a while they tried to negotiate it, trade time, etc., but I held firm, and it wasn't too long before they fell into a pattern of forgetting about video games the rest of the week and waking up super early on Saturday to play them -- and letting me sleep in . Oh, and during the day on Saturday, I try to plan something that *I* feel is worthwhile so that they don't sit around all day waiting to play or htinking about playing (today we went to the nature preserve and caught tadpoles and water bugs). SO, I find it really, really helps to set aside a specific block of time during which they're allowed to play and never wavering, so that they do not spend every minute thinking about when they're going to get to play next.

I was going to suggest the same thing; have a certain time each day (or on certain days) when they can take advantage of their screen time. Otherwise, no discussion. And count watching someone else playing video games as screen time, for sure.

I'm with you and pp's, though: these things always slide when we're tired or sick or whatever, and then it's hard to reign them back in. One thing I've discovered is the power of BOOKS ON TAPE (or cd). The last time my son was sick, I borrowed a bunch from the library, and he played happily all day on his bed listening to the things. I didn't feel at all guilty, and there were NO power struggles afterwards, as there would have been if he'd spent the whole day watching movies.

My biggest problem with screen time lately is my OWN habit. I've developed a pattern of nursing dd at the computer, and before I know it she's fallen asleep and I've spent WAY too long online. Blech.

[bestjob]

My kids are 15, 11, and 7, and I probably posted the same message when the youngest one was 3 weeks old! It gets both better and worse.

Better because you become less exhausted, so you're more able to engage the kids in this discussion.

Worse because there will never be a time when less technology/entertainment stuff becomes available that your kids will think is amazing.

Teaching them how to manage it is the key. One thing we've done is limit some parts of it. We don't have cable TV or video games. We only have one computer. When my kids were younger, they wanted cable TV. Now they watch it and say, "People pay $75 a month for this stuff? Why?"

One thing I really am aware of is what the kids are doing on-line. For example, if my 11 year old ds is planning a trip, he gets a lot of screen time. It's a project for him. If he's playing miniclips, he gets rather less screen time because it's a diversion. I make my opinion known about what I think is worthwhile.

And, yes, I do that old-fashioned thing where I say to the kids, "It's a beautiful day. Turn off the computer and get outside!" Let's face it, if they're going to have temper tantrums, they might as well do it in the fresh air and sunshine.

[boysmom2]

OK, so apparently I'm not quite as energetic as I thought! I haven't been able to stay up later than my kids for a while, and that's when I usually go online. Sorry for not replying!

Thanks for all your thoughts! I think we will go cold turkey for a while, as hard as it will be, and then add it back with some better rules.

Thanks everybody!

[Subhuti]

Your post makes me realize why we decided to have NO tv or video games in our house ever. It's deeply addicting. And I am not criticizing you or judging you. When I am around TV ... I was too much junk, total junk. My husband is the same.

We rent Netflix which does limit it somewhat. In a sane moment you can pick how much you want your kids to watch and what.

Problem w/netflix... you can download tons of stuff w/your membership. It's like having on-demand TV. And it's all free w/your subscription. My hubbers "uses" that to quiet down our two and four year old girls WAy too much for my liking. But again, I can't blame him, sometimes it's exhausting ... you're trying to prep dinner/make a phone call .. what can you do?

We live in isolated little pods in this world, without community or family. So we rely on the media to be the grandparents when we have a new baby or someone's sick.

I like the idea of going cold turkey in your situation. Explain your reasons, and stick to it. Move the devices out of the house and cut the subscription. In our state, it's the law that you not be required to have the TV portion of the cable if you are interested in only the internet.

But the internet is just as addictive. I speak from personal experience, too much time reading the New York Times, Mothering Dot Com, emails etc.

What we are doing this summer (starting the Fourth of July ... Independence Day!) is cutting way back on our media. We are cutting back our Netflix subscription, limiting the kids on whatever DVD's ... and I am going to put away my computer except once a day to check email.

I am not sure how sucessful it will be, partly because I don't know how on board my husband is. But we've got the kids in camp a few days a week, hes' on vacation from school, and we should be less exhuasted and more able to handle the kids w/o the media.

OP ... you do have a wee baby ... don't be too hard on yourself. I had no media in the house whatsoever before my second baby was born. I spent my first week home w/her and my two year old ... that weekend, I bought a DVD player and started a Netflix subscription ....

what are we going to do? We live in the isolated nuclear family ....

LIz

[mommy amber]

One thing I've discovered is the power of BOOKS ON TAPE (or cd).

I agree, my 3yo and I have discovered how cool these can be...though she still whines for tv:

[boysmom2]

Originally Posted by CatskillMtnMama

Your post makes me realize why we decided to have NO tv or video games in our house ever. It's deeply addicting. And I am not criticizing you or judging you. When I am around TV ... I was too much junk, total junk. My husband is the same.

We rent Netflix which does limit it somewhat. In a sane moment you can pick how much you want your kids to watch and what.

Problem w/netflix... you can download tons of stuff w/your membership. It's like having on-demand TV. And it's all free w/your subscription. My hubbers "uses" that to quiet down our two and four year old girls WAy too much for my liking. But again, I can't blame him, sometimes it's exhausting ... you're trying to prep dinner/make a phone call .. what can you do?

We live in isolated little pods in this world, without community or family. So we rely on the media to be the grandparents when we have a new baby or someone's sick.

I like the idea of going cold turkey in your situation. Explain your reasons, and stick to it. Move the devices out of the house and cut the subscription. In our state, it's the law that you not be required to have the TV portion of the cable if you are interested in only the internet.

But the internet is just as addictive. I speak from personal experience, too much time reading the New York Times, Mothering Dot Com, emails etc.

What we are doing this summer (starting the Fourth of July ... Independence Day!) is cutting way back on our media. We are cutting back our Netflix subscription, limiting the kids on whatever DVD's ... and I am going to put away my computer except once a day to check email.

I am not sure how sucessful it will be, partly because I don't know how on board my husband is. But we've got the kids in camp a few days a week, hes' on vacation from school, and we should be less exhuasted and more able to handle the kids w/o the media.

OP ... you do have a wee baby ... don't be too hard on yourself. I had no media in the house whatsoever before my second baby was born. I spent my first week home w/her and my two year old ... that weekend, I bought a DVD player and started a Netflix subscription ....

what are we going to do? We live in the isolated nuclear family ....

LIz

You make some very good points. We're not supposed to be doing this totally alone. I can be very exhausting sometimes and TV, etc., are easy "helpers." I do wish we could just cancel cable for a while, but DH would NEVER agree to that. The kids can't reach to plug it back in, so I think I'll just do that.

Originally Posted by mommy amber

I agree, my 3yo and I have discovered how cool these can be...though she still whines for tv:

I'm defiintely going to have to check the library for books on CD. We've been going there more lately, and we've all been reading more, which I'm very excited about, but my kids also beg for DVDs at the library. : I wish they kept those behind the desk or something. Oh well. Oh and our library also has video games that the kids can play AT THE LIBRARY. How wrong is that? They're at a little, kid-sized kiosk in the center of the kids' section and they're always on. Awesome. :

So, I think I'm going to unplug everything before I go to bed tonight. Tomorrow afternoon I'll plug it back in so they can watch the DVD I caved in on at the library, after we spend the morning at the beach. Then that's IT. No more for a while. Wish me luck!

[~Nikki~]

I used to be even worse than the kids with my media addiction. For awhile, watching TV was their only activity, and I was so bad that I'd actually eat dinner in front of the computer.

We did two main things to help break the habit.

1) We moved the TV and computer to the basement, where they're still accessible...but out of sight (and out of mind.)
2) We moved a CD player out into the main living area (was tucked in my bedroom previously), so that we can constantly have music going. I found that I'd often turn the TV on simply for background noise, or use my computer to listen to iTunes....and I'd inevitably sit down and putter on the computer if it happened to be on.

We also got into the habit of turning off the computer anytime we weren't using it. It's not as appealing to sit down at the computer if you know you have to wait 5 minutes or so for it to boot up.

I've realized that the kids haven't turned on the TV once in over a month. At home, I only turn on the computer to check my email when I get home, and then turn it back off.

Find other activities to fill your time. We put together a well stocked craft area for the kids that they use almost daily. We also found an awesome local park we've been taking them to every day after school. It helped to get them involved in finding new things to do.