ugh! dh spouting mil's authoritarian rhetoric!

[heathermarie73]

Why do I bother to talk to people? If I'm not talking to you ladies all I heard is spanking and cry it out and time out and so on. The newest is that mil is telling everone I don't have authority over 3 year old ds. What am I a police officer or something? Now dh is starting in and I know it is because of her. I told him I have no interest in being this person that he and his mom think I should be. I am reading Unconditional Parenting now (first few chapters.) Do you think it might help to find and audio of it for dh to listen too?
Last night in the bath I asked ds to stop splashing me and tone his voice down because it was hurting my head. Ds said "I'm going to get a time-out" This really bothered me. I have tried timeouts with him due to dh's pushing but never felt great about it and haven't seen the benefits of it and don't feel like continuing. Any UP parents out there who have been there and done that and had sucess with UP style?

[octobermom]

Last night in the bath I asked ds to stop splashing me and tone his voice down because it was hurting my head. Ds said "I'm going to get a time-out"

My DD used to do things like that and neither DH or I used timeouts and we didn't live near family. She say things like or I'll get a timeout or like she overly dramtize the "hurt" i was having.. You'll go ow ow ow and your ears will bleed and then when I say mommmy mommy! no one will come cause your ears fell off and I'll never see mommy again! SHe was really dramtic about it sometimes her drama upset her other times it put humor in the situation. I always thought it strange considering our parenting ways but found it wasn't that unussual after a while.

Deanna

[heathermarie73]

Originally Posted by octobermom

You'll go ow ow ow and your ears will bleed and then when I say mommmy mommy! no one will come cause your ears fell off and I'll never see mommy again!

Wow, this is my niece to a tee. I am always amazed at what she comes up with.

[octobermom]

Originally Posted by heathermarie73

Wow, this is my niece to a tee. I am always amazed at what she comes up with.

Oh and BTW I wasn't suggesting your DH may nt be doing these things or that hearning this stuff from others is just flat out OK. Just that some kids do that even without the prompt I actually am VERY carefull about my "threats" discipline ect because of it.
I try/tired to use her over the top reactions as starting points for a conversation. both learning to reflect her feeling validate and enforce mine whiel also assuming no my ear wont fall off ect.. It has made for some intresting conversations over the years the plus side shes REALLY good at problem solving and appling very intesting details to a situation..
Deanna

[KristaDJ]

I'm a former spanker turned UP My husband used to be strict for no reason and his first reaction was usually not UP. I just started telling him every. single. time. what his actions were doing and how the kids were taking it. I gave him alternatives and showed him how they worked and he is now reading unconditional parenting himself and has changed entirely. It can happen, mama

[Starflower]

The Unconditional Parenting DVD is really good and engaging. Your DH may enjoy watching it with you if he doesn't want to read the book. My DH liked it.

You may also want to check out Scream-Free Parenting as well, though it's a different author. I found his stuff useful as well.

Good luck! DD just lost her second baby tooth! Gotta go!

[Breeder]

Originally Posted by octobermom

My DD used to do things like that and neither DH or I used timeouts and we didn't live near family. She say things like or I'll get a timeout or like she overly dramtize the "hurt" i was having.. You'll go ow ow ow and your ears will bleed and then when I say mommmy mommy! no one will come cause your ears fell off and I'll never see mommy again! SHe was really dramtic about it sometimes her drama upset her other times it put humor in the situation. I always thought it strange considering our parenting ways but found it wasn't that unussual after a while.

Deanna

Oh my goodness, that sounds just like DS1 when he was about 4/5. He would just totally exaggerate situations to a crazy degree. Often ending with "And then I will never have a mommy or a daddy again and I will be an ORPHAN!!!!" It's amazing what they come up with isn't it?

OP- have you had a frank discussion with your DH about this? Perhaps gently pointing out that what his mother is saying about your parenting is really bothering him (he may still be actively seeking her approval -which is pretty common) and asking him what precisely he'd like to do differently and why the current situation is so upsetting to him. Listen to him, and then give him your own reasons (backed up by your research) as to why you do NOT wish to be punitive.