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Originally Posted by peainthepod  There's nothing to defend. You've done your research and made your decision. Your MIL sounds pretty abusive and if I were in your shoes I'd limit my contact with her at least until the baby is born, and then even maybe keep visits short and infrequent after that. Someone who would make a pregnant woman cry to the point of vomiting and then show not a whisper of shame or remorse afterwards is not someone I'd allow into my life on more than a very superficial level.
Trust yourself, mama. You don't need to bring her around, because it's none of her damn business. I'm sorry if I seem harsh but few things make me angrier than people who cruelly try to bully and frighten us while we are pregnant. There is no excuse for such reprehensible behavior.  |
You're totally right, and that's exactly what I plan on doing. I think part of the reason why she felt so angry at the money spent on the homebirth (this appears to be her main issue with it) is that she and her husband have helped/help us out with money so she feels she has the right to tell us how to manage our finances. We've decided to pull the kids out of preschool (which she was paying for) and no longer accept *any* help. I also made it clear to my husband that her behavior is not acceptable (he agreed) and should not be tolerated by us.
I suppose earlier when I said "defend" I used the wrong word, I actually only said to her during this conversation "I could give you all the reasons why we have chosen to have a homebirth, but I don't think it would help, you're not going to agree" (she had already started ignoring me by the time I got to this point). I also mentioned to her that we had paid a good chunk of the birth out of our tax return (also ignored). I've somewhat defended my position to friends or my own family, but they mostly had a smile-and-nod reaction.
To be totally fair to my MIL (who I agree is extremely critical, borderline abusive, and passive aggressive), I have hyperemesis and bipolar disorder, so maybe she thought the vomiting would have happened anyway (it was my nose filling up with snot from crying that triggered the vomiting). She hasn't seen me cry that many times over the years but it's possible she's among the "she's too sensitive" crowd. Which I think is still wrong. I definitely have reflected on her position on this whole thing, I can understand that she feels like she is giving us money and we are just wasting it on frivolous things, which made her angry. It still doesn't excuse the way she treated me though.
My husband is totally supportive of the homebirth becuase he knows how important it is to me. He probably would be just as happy if not happier had I chosen to deliver in the hospital because of the money factor, but I drilled in the statistics in his head enough times that he is comfortable with the safety of homebirth, realizes it's the better choice, ect.
He did defend me somewhat during this altercation with my MIL (which started when we were talking about buying a new car that will fit all the kids in it) by saying we really do need a new car, but he was out of the room for most of it and didn't say anything to her when we were leaving, even though I had just thrown up (and peed my pants at the same time) and was still crying. They both kind of pretended it wasn't happening (typical in that family, they are the ultimate avoiders). We talked in the car though and have spoken later and he is at least on my side. Whether or not he'll stand up to his mother in my defense is unknown.
I have actually stood up to this woman once, told her how hurtful her constant criticism and cruel comments can be...she promptly got up and left my house. I limited interaction with her for over a year after that. I thought things had improved, but now we are right back to where we used to be
I feel really torn about it becuase this is the same woman who is wonderful to my children, who has given us thousands upon thousands of dollars worth of help over the years, who does a lot of nice things for us but at the same time continues to treat me this way. It's very confusing/frustrating.
)
: ...then later, if she can behave herself
, let her speak to your mw.
