SS [7 yo] is a Highly Sensitive Child. Help, I am having a hard time with his inappropriate...

[gingerplum]

My SS has been diagnosed as Highly Sensitive Child by a counselor [LCSW]. He also has Encopresis (soiling) that would contribute to low self-esteem.

As a step-parent in his life I am not to discipline him. Recently SS's whining and tantrums are making me angry at my DH for not correcting the vocal outbursts, and I am also feeling some disgust at SS that I is hard to admit and I would really like some help so I have a direction to go to prevent myself from distancing myself from SS. DH does not want SS to have most of his visitation time with us to be disciplinary so he ignores SS when he has the vocal outburst and tantrums.

Recent examples that really made me mad.
SS was over for a weekend visit when he got bored he lowered his shoulders and whined "I'm bored" over and over again. DH and I gave him play options and none he wanted to do. I was making him a cabinet at the time and had enough listening to a child whine when he refuses any help to make him happier.

He got a bloody nose, had a tissue for his nose, but some blood dripped on his t-shirt. He made a loud "ehhhhhh" sound in various pitches like a half-wale. DH ignored him, and I asked SS to use his words, and SS replied with "ehhhh" again.

His sister was pouring herself cereal and sat down. I saw SS at the table too sitting there with his shoulders down, and I asked him if he was hungry. He told me he didn't know how to pour cereal, and whimpered "I don't know how to do it". His sister said "I'll do it" and I asked her not to. I told him this is the day for him to pour his cereal (he's 7.5 yo). His sister still poured the milk and he made a loud high pitch moan like a wale. I asked his sister what happened she said some milk dripped on the counter.

Just after he was tucked into bed a scary bug was on his hand and he screamed and whaled loudly. DH looked all over the bed and room for it but could not find it again. SS wanted to go home and sleep in BM’s bed. We told him the bug is gone and to sleep in him own bed while at dad’s. SS ended up sleeping is sister’s room. I have a problem with DH allowing SS to disobey because SS has such low confidence sleeping in his own room (BM had to be asked by DH to stop letting SS sleep every night is her bed because when we got him and mom’s bed wasn’t there he’s cry at the top of his lungs “MOMMY!” for an hour at bed time. I think SS should be comfortable being an independent sleeper, especially when even his sister doesn’t want him in her room.

How can I help him to react more appropriately without over stepping DH's request I do not discipline. I encourage him, I say "I know you are feeling bored. I can help you think of something to do." I often get another whimper from SS and so does DH. If we try to talk to SS about what he is feeling when he gets emotional he gets louder and whines more, like he doesn't want to hear us talk to him about what he is feeling. Often he'll leave to cry standing in a corner with his face to the wall.

I need some help please I do not know what to do. I don’t think that just because he’s a “Highly Sensitive Child” we should ignore helping him use words, identify emotions and correct inappropriate behavior.

[BetsyNY]

Wow, where to start.

I mean no disrespect in saying this, but you sound like you've got quite a chip on your shoulder where this kid is concerned. It sounds like he's got some considerable anxiety going on, esp. when he has to be out of his comfort zone, away from his mom--and you're doing everything you can to make it LESS comfortable for him. What's the harm in letting his sister pour his cereal for him? He got a bloody nose and you handed him a tissue and told him to use his words? Yikes.

So how can you help him react more "appropriately"? I think having more compassion towards him would be a good place to start. Stop thinking about where he should be and see him where he is.

[sebandg'smama]

I second the pp comment about your ss's anxiety.

Imagine for a minute that he had severe asthma, and it made him have a hard time doing tasks. Would you punish him? Force him to do things even if it would aggravate his asthma?

Why or why does society treat anxiety as anything different than a medical condition?

Have some compassion, don't force him.

When he feels SECURE in your home he will be able to accomplish many things.

[LynnS6]

Several thoughts as the parent of a highly sensitive child. Sorry this is long, but you've touched a nerve here.

First, this behavior is NOT willful, and you need to treat it with compassion, as others have suggested. I would suggest that you read the book "The Highly Sensitive Child" by Elaine Aron. If you're highly sensitive, things bother you MORE. You notice (and are bothered by) things that don't reach other people's threshold of consciousness.

If you think about it in terms of tribal societies, highly sensitive people are the keepers of the watch - they're the ones who hear the lion in the bush before anyone else. They're the ones who notice that the meat smells 'off' and warn people not to eat it, lest they get sick. They're the ones keeping track of the moods and emotions of those around them, lest they flare up into conflict. Transfer those gifts to modern society, and you can reach overload very very quickly. Just having the radio on in the house, the dishwasher going on and both my kids making normal kid noises/conversation with me can send me into overload, especially if I'm tired. Really.


Second, after all that, it doesn't mean that your highly sensitive ss doesn't need discipline. BUT, I caution you to approach this as teaching. When he's going 'ehhh' 'ehhh' and driving the family nuts, DESCRIBE what effect his behavior is having (when you do that, it really grates on my ears) and what else he can do (can you use your words or go to another room?). Give him lots of positive feedback when he's doing this appropriately.

You may need drag/push your dh into counseling with his ds and yourself. If understand the dynamic correctly, ds is complaining/whining and dh is ignorning him! Your ss is anxious being out of his environment and his dad is ignoring him? Dad needs to step up and interact with his son, set some gentle boundaries, and learn to communicate with his son. What kind of role model for fathering is he giving his son?

If his son is having a tantrum, maybe instead of ignoring him, how about giving him a hug? That's what we do with our highly sensitive dd. (Yes, we have TWO highly sensitive kids and TWO highly sensitive adults -- things get tense around here at times.) Our highly sensitive ds prefers to go off by himself. So, one thing you might think of is setting up a 'safe space' for him so that he can retreat there with a book or something when he's upset. Experiment with whether he needs contact when upset or needs to be alone.

Third, some kids are just later with self care skills, and you need to teach them those step by tiny little step. As in: one week he gets his bowl before he asks for help with the cereal. The next he pours the cereal with your help. The next he pours it on his own and you do the milk. The next you put milk in a small pitcher for him and he pours it himself. And this would be if he lived with you full time. Since you only have him weekends, your time table is going to be much, much slower.

Our ds is 8, and still isn't very self-sufficient in terms of self care. He won't make himself a sandwich, pour his own milk/cereal, cut his own biscuits or pancakes! In fact, I just was interrupted to pour his cereal and milk. Some days I DO get frustrated with his 'helplessness', but usually that's an indication of my stress level.

If you don't have a child like this, it's really hard to understand. Luckily, my first was like this, so instead of being angry that he wasn't doing these things, I was mystified when our second started doing this things herself. In fact, she's at the table (she's 5), right now, making herself a biscuit with honey, something ds (8) would never do.

I think SS should be comfortable being an independent sleeper, especially when even his sister doesn’t want him in her room.

I'm going to disagree here. We are going through a very similar period with our ds. Again, this is not willful, this is true anxiety. The compromise we've reached is that ds can come sleep on the floor in our bedroom if he's scared. That was after a lot of back and forth with us trying to get him to sleep in his own bed, us spending a lot of time on his floor because he was so hysterical. After 3 weeks of that, I realized it was stupid for me to fall asleep on his floor, and that if anyone was going to sleep on the floor, it should be the one with young bones and muscles!

This kid has a lot going on. His dad needs to be more present for him, including some discipline. Your role is compassion and helping your dh get the tools he needs.

Other suggested reading:
The Challenging Child by Stanley Greenspan
The Five Love Languages of Children

[JayJay]

The sleeping thing is something I can identify with. My DSS and DSD, when I came into the picture, would first of all always come downstairs in the middle of the night and sleep on the sofa. DSS was fine in his room, but DSD would come in and tell him ghost stories to such a degree that they'd come every night without fail at about 3am, crying and scared into our room! Additionally, both children would still wet the bed.

We got to the stage where they would both sleep upstairs, but then DSD would creep into DSS's bed and sleep there because she was scared. Thing was, it had to be handled delicately because their mother had totally abandoned them a year or so earlier, and while DSS hardly remembered her, DSD did, and it made her lose all her self esteem, hence the bed wetting as well.

Now fast forward to today, and with a little gentle encouragement and about two years of patience, we've come from children sleeping on the sofa and getting scared, to children who sleep in their beds, happily, and who don't wet anymore either. Part fo that had to do with our stable relationship I think, and the fact that their biomom hasn't seen them now for years - a good thing in terms of the fact that DSD especially now has a fixed "mother figure" she has adopted *I love her and I've loved being adopted by her *.

Anyway that's my addition to this conversation. Some things just take a lot of patience and time. He's just a little one, mama XXX

[gingerplum]

His father doesn't ignore his son, I think ignore is not the right word. DH will not say anything to his DS addressing the "ehhhh" scream-noise; ignoring the behavior, not the child. I feel since his father is not saying something addressing DS screaming, then DH has reinforced the scream as an acceptable way to react to how DS is feeling. That's what I am afraid is happening.

Thank you for the useful tips; especially on anxiety. Seeing his acting out as a reaction to him feeling anxiety makes sense, and I have positively changed my perception to the behavior examples I wrote. Your insightful replies gave me the tools I needed to change how I had felt toward DS and taken away my resent disgust in my SS's behavior. I do not have children of my own and I have not been around children to help me understand. Thank you for the book recommendations as well.

I will give my SS more hugs, and also gratuitously describe to him how the "ehhhh" screams hurts my ears.

If he gets scared at night again I will let him sleep where he feels safe. At the time, I didn't realize what was going on and felt he was being stubborn and not scared.

[gingerplum]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

What's the harm in letting his sister pour his cereal for him? He got a bloody nose and you handed him a tissue and told him to use his words? Yikes.

I didn't want SS to not try to pour his own cereal. If he doesn't know how to tip over a box to get the cereal into a bowl then someone should teach him or he'll sit at the table never learning to do so. I did not stop the act of his sister pouring his cereal like a train wreck. He was still seated at the table after his sister ate and I wondered if he was hungry and that's when he said "I don't know how to poor cereal", like he was asking for my help. His sister spoke up to do it for him at the same time I figured the best thing was to teach him to pour cereal and check that one off in his life's to do list. I see no problem with that.

I didn't hand him a tissue as he was screaming with a bloody nose snapping "use your words" at him. He had the tissue, sitting down watching TV with the family; a few mins later he yells "ehhhhh". We all look at him asking what happened, he yells "ehhhh" each time we ask. After we all asked him what happened and getting "ehhh", we figured out he was seeing blood on his shirt. His tissue isn't keeping him from saying something more appropriate like "look blood got on my shirt". If he was feeling anxious because blood on his shirt would show anyone he met for the rest of the day he had a bloody nose, then I understand. But screaming, we ask, he screams & stops, we ask again (because he’s not telling us where he is hurting), he screams, we’re still confused, then we figure it out and tell him he can change his shirt and I say next time he needs to use his words, then he screams as a response again… is not an acceptable chain of events for me.

[Bird Girl]

Disgust is a powerful emotion, and it can taint the rest of your relationship with your SS. I applaud you for admitting that you feel it; now take the next step, and confront it with an eye toward reducing and then eliminating it.

Do you understand how the anxiety acts on the soiling? I assume that you do, but try to imagine being in the skin of a child who's so uncomfortable in his own skin that he literally cannot even poop. That thought fills me with compassion, and I'm sure it does for you, too. Does your DH always deal with the results of SS's condition? I think it would be healthier for your relationship if he did. You can't work on your own negative feelings while you're cleaning up a fairly big boy's mess.

As far as the self-care skills go, don't be afraid to give micro-management type instruction. "Here, SS, open the little bag inside the box, make sure the bag is standing up straight. Then, pick up the opposite edge from the opening, and pour it into your bowl. If it spills on the table, don't worry, I'll help you put it back inside the box. If it spills on the floor, here is the broom and we can sweep it up together and throw it away." For my DD, who's fairly sensitive, sometimes talking about what will happen if things go wrong was helpful. "If you spill the cereal, what will happen? Will a monster come and eat you up? Will your head fall off? No! If it spills, we can clean it up."

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by gingerplum

I didn't want SS to not try to pour his own cereal. If he doesn't know how to tip over a box to get the cereal into a bowl then someone should teach him or he'll sit at the table never learning to do so. I did not stop the act of his sister pouring his cereal like a train wreck. He was still seated at the table after his sister ate and I wondered if he was hungry and that's when he said "I don't know how to poor cereal", like he was asking for my help. His sister spoke up to do it for him at the same time I figured the best thing was to teach him to pour cereal and check that one off in his life's to do list. I see no problem with that.

I didn't hand him a tissue as he was screaming with a bloody nose snapping "use your words" at him. He had the tissue, sitting down watching TV with the family; a few mins later he yells "ehhhhh". We all look at him asking what happened, he yells "ehhhh" each time we ask. After we all asked him what happened and getting "ehhh", we figured out he was seeing blood on his shirt. His tissue isn't keeping him from saying something more appropriate like "look blood got on my shirt". If he was feeling anxious because blood on his shirt would show anyone he met for the rest of the day he had a bloody nose, then I understand. But screaming, we ask, he screams & stops, we ask again (because he’s not telling us where he is hurting), he screams, we’re still confused, then we figure it out and tell him he can change his shirt and I say next time he needs to use his words, then he screams as a response again… is not an acceptable chain of events for me.

What can I say--welcome to life with a child with a disability. I'm not sure what a diagnosis of "highly sensitive" means, but let's just assume for the moment that it's disabling--it sounds like it is. So he's not reacting in a way that's acceptable TO YOU--it's not all about you. It's only maybe a little bit about you.

Anxiety manifests itself in a number of different ways, and really, it would behoove you to understand HIM rather than try to get him to be anxious in a way that YOU can understand.

As far as the cereal goes, teaching him is great, and if it MUST be your place to do, please be gentle with him. It sounds like this kid has been through a lot.

He is a child. You are an adult. Try to get a grip.

[sebandg'smama]

Originally Posted by gingerplum

His father doesn't ignore his son, I think ignore is not the right word. DH will not say anything to his DS addressing the "ehhhh" scream-noise; ignoring the behavior, not the child. I feel since his father is not saying something addressing DS screaming, then DH has reinforced the scream as an acceptable way to react to how DS is feeling. That's what I am afraid is happening.

Thank you for the useful tips; especially on anxiety. Seeing his acting out as a reaction to him feeling anxiety makes sense, and I have positively changed my perception to the behavior examples I wrote. Your insightful replies gave me the tools I needed to change how I had felt toward DS and taken away my resent disgust in my SS's behavior. I do not have children of my own and I have not been around children to help me understand. Thank you for the book recommendations as well.

I will give my SS more hugs, and also gratuitously describe to him how the "ehhhh" screams hurts my ears.

If he gets scared at night again I will let him sleep where he feels safe. At the time, I didn't realize what was going on and felt he was being stubborn and not scared.

I am so glad this thread has been of some help.

I didn't say this before, but

You will encounter some passionate views here on mothering.com! There is a wealth of wisdom and support to be found.
You might be interested in checking out the blended and step family section.

[gingerplum]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

What can I say--welcome to life with a child with a disability. I'm not sure what a diagnosis of "highly sensitive" means, but let's just assume for the moment that it's disabling--it sounds like it is. So he's not reacting in a way that's acceptable TO YOU--it's not all about you. It's only maybe a little bit about you.

Anxiety manifests itself in a number of different ways, and really, it would behoove you to understand HIM rather than try to get him to be anxious in a way that YOU can understand.

As far as the cereal goes, teaching him is great, and if it MUST be your place to do, please be gentle with him. It sounds like this kid has been through a lot.

He is a child. You are an adult. Try to get a grip.

I believe I cannot change how people may think of me, this being one of them. I have obviously been writing in such a way you take offence to my actions. I will continue to have empathy for my SS and try to teach him the best ways to react as I can for him. My actions are the intention to prevent my SS from being made fun of. I am an adult with ADHD, and was unmediated all my school years, I did a lot of inappropriate things growing up and over reacted to a lot of fears just like him. I am trying to help him so he has better experiences in school than I had. He is made fun of in school by boys younger than him already because he cries a lot, just like with us at home. If there is any emotion that I am trying to convey in my posts is my frustration toward feeling how socially harmful screaming is for him. I cannot be there for him in school, and tell kids he should be understood. But if he screams without the tools to prevent social implications, then I've failed by letting him be a target (right?). If I'm not supposed to help him with cognitive control, then what are you suggesting I do to help him? I don't feel your post are helping me; I feel you are reacting as if there is a thunderstorm accompanying my actions. I am reaching out to this board because I am actively looking for help; help me feel less adverse to a behavior he exhibits and help with him. So if I say his behavior is unacceptable to me, it's because I am trying to help him be better so he doesn't feel the pain of being made fun of. All of which are not shellfish as you attack me of. Am I wrong to help him with this? I don't understand your attacks.

I also feel I am not educated enough to help him appropriately, I am obviously not appropriately responding to him, and I have great interest in the books suggested in the posts of others.

[BetsyNY]

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh. I really, truly am. I don't mean to make you feel bad, not in the slightest.

So. Here's what I think you should do. Reframe your experiences with your SS. Instead of "what can I teach him," substitute "how can I make this easier for him?" I understand how you're feeling; you want him to have an easier time, you don't want other kids to make fun of him, etc. But if it were as easy as insisting he do things himself, sleep in his own bed, etc--his parents would have already done it. Really.

[gingerplum]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

I'm sorry if I'm coming off as harsh. I really, truly am. I don't mean to make you feel bad, not in the slightest.

So. Here's what I think you should do. Reframe your experiences with your SS. Instead of "what can I teach him," substitute "how can I make this easier for him?" I understand how you're feeling; you want him to have an easier time, you don't want other kids to make fun of him, etc. But if it were as easy as insisting he do things himself, sleep in his own bed, etc--his parents would have already done it. Really.

I really needed some help, and as a step-parent I see a struggling kid I spend time with, and his parents have a hard time agreeing and I feel hopeless. I feel I need to help in some way, and this thread has been very good for me to realize discipline or feeling that I should step in is not the right way to show SS empathy (sounds very wrong to me now) because you have a very good point, if the parents felt they needed to do something they would. I started this thread because I felt very emotional about what was happening, thank you for helping me gain another perspective.

[DariusMom]

OP . ..

You sound like a step-mom who is really trying and wants to learn. I think your DSC are lucky to have you. No, you might not do everything "right", but the very fact that you came to this site of your own volition to find out more and to learn to help your DSS speaks volumes.

You might find some help and support in the blended families forum of MDC.

My DS is highly sensitive. I am too, so I "get" him. but it can be hard work, and we aren't in a situation of divorce and blended families, which exacerbates a lot of these highly sensitive behaviors. I third (fourth?) the recommendation of "the Highly Sensitive Child". it's a really good and easily read book.

Hang in there, and don't take some of the harsher posts personally.

[russsk]

First off, being highly sensitive is not a disability, as a PP indicated.

OP, I think you have your SS's best interests at heart, but he experiences the same stimuli very differently than you do so you need to try to have some understanding of his unique sensitivities, even though his way of expressing himself is really annoying. The best thing you could do for him is make sure that he knows he has a safe space at your home, where he will not be judged. As a kid, I often had strong aversions or discomfort that I learned were not "normal" or that bothered others, and I would try not to say anything about them, but often my brain just couldn't let it go. That may be where this whining behavior comes in. I would consider the whining to be a signal from your SS that he is overstimulated and needs your help to bring him back down. So, for example, with the blood on the shirt: I would say, "Oh, it looks like some blood got on your shirt. That really seems to be upsetting you. Let's go pick out a clean shirt and get changed." That could be enough to bring him down and help him cope. Highly sensitive people tend to think through all the possible consequences of any given even/incident, so his mind could be racing through a million possible outcomes and possibilities and he gets overaroused. Acknowledge his discomfort and help him fix the problem without judging (even if it seems ridiculous to you) and my bet is that he will slowly stop relying on the whining.

[russsk]

You also have to understand that he will always be highly sensitive. Over time he may learn to blend in a little better, but he will always be different. Even if you somehow get him to stop crying and be more self-sufficient, kids will pick up on his differences. You can't control the other kids, but you can help him reframe these situations more positively. If you don't, he will very likely suffer low self-esteem and anxiety into his adulthood. There is nothing wrong with him, even if he is a little different. You will do far more for him by embracing his differences than by suppressing his sensitivity to make him fit in better.

[LauraLoo]

I want to applaud you for posting this and being open to looking for ways to cope. As a parent of a highly sensitive child, I know that some of the behavior can be bewildering. What really helped me to be fully compassionate is when I read the book "The Explosive Child" -- the author's premise is that children do well *if* they can. Your dss does not want to behave the way he does, but his sensitivity over rides all else. He can learn to manage his sensitivity, but it's not an overnight fix. There are some great ideas to help him in the book:

http://www.amazon.com/Explosive-Chil...4460254&sr=8-1

Also, highly sensitive children have real strengths as well and reading "The Highly Sensitive Child" will help you focus on that. My highly sensitive ds is extraordinarily compassionate and appreciates beauty in the world that is often overlooked by others. There are strengths in perceived weaknesses - try to look for this.

[Evan&Anna's_Mom]

One thing that strikes me is that all of the "ehh" type responses you described were in response to something spilled (milk, blood). Just a quick arm-chair reaction, but I'm wondering if there isn't some element of OCD as well as the anxiety? You might want to check into some therapy options for him to check it out. It might help all of you to have a more complete picture. And it really does seem like some therapy could help a number of issues, for all of you.

[chfriend]

Gotta say...this child doesn't sound explosive to me. Anxious and overwhelmed, but not explosive. There's clearly a lot to this story, and hopefully as we get to know OP we'll hear more of it.

So, OP....Before I launch in to advice giving and book recommending....what have you read about Highly Sensitive children? about encopresis? Have you met with his therapist and been educated on what kinds of responses might be helpful to him?

How long have you been involved in his life? Why have you been asked not to discipline him at all?

[LynnS6]

Originally Posted by Evan&Anna's_Mom

One thing that strikes me is that all of the "ehh" type responses you described were in response to something spilled (milk, blood). Just a quick arm-chair reaction, but I'm wondering if there isn't some element of OCD as well as the anxiety? You might want to check into some therapy options for him to check it out. It might help all of you to have a more complete picture. And it really does seem like some therapy could help a number of issues, for all of you.

: I was wondering the same thing. It sounds to me like there's a little more going on here than just "highly sensitive". Anxiety is surely part of the mix, and maybe some other things. Another good book is "Freeing Your Child From Anxiety". There's a chapter there on OCD that might be a good start.

And I would strongly encourage family therapy (I know I've said this before), but I think it's really crucial to work on these issues before things spiral out of control. I'm glad that my initial impression from your post that dad ignores him was wrong, but I still think that dad may need to step in a bit more and discipline inappropriate behavior. But again, really it's TEACHING. No, the weekend shouldn't be one long discipline event, but you can do a lot of teaching, modeling and interacting in a very positive way.

Originally Posted by chfriend

Gotta say...this child doesn't sound explosive to me. Anxious and overwhelmed, but not explosive. There's clearly a lot to this story, and hopefully as we get to know OP we'll hear more of it.

So, OP....Before I launch in to advice giving and book recommending....what have you read about Highly Sensitive children? about encopresis? Have you met with his therapist and been educated on what kinds of responses might be helpful to him?

How long have you been involved in his life? Why have you been asked not to discipline him at all?

These are important questions. I think the first step for you is to understand the child a bit more and how best to help him. It's hard to be thrust into a situation where you have little control, and stress associated with that lack of control. Here, I think that knowledge can be your friend.