Please help! Extreme and constant tantrums. At the end of my rope.

[Hokulele]

DD, turning 4y this month is having a terrible time. I'm at the end of my rope, DH is fully ready to spank. Help. Please.

DD will flip out over anything, everything and nothing. If we move her cup, if we ask her to do anything ("wash your hands, please") or she'll even just say/do something provoking just because. Many many times this ends up in a full-blown knock down drag out tantrum. Top-of-the-lungs screaming, hitting, kicking, red angry face. There is nothing I can do when she gets like this. Holding her is out of the question. She is so loud she can't even hear me talk.

This can't be normal. I'm desperate.

These episodes happen many times a day and last at least 1/2 hour, sometimes as long as an hour or more. It is "normal" for her now to have spent almost four hours a day screaming and in extreme anger.

She is hoarse from all the screaming.

Please help. This has only been going on for two weeks, maybe three, but that is way too long. It is affecting me physically and emotionally. I just want to curl up in bed alone. DH, the most gentle man I know, has never lost his temper in the 8 years I've known him. Now he loses it daily.

The worst is 1. what this is doing to her. And 2. the baby gets totally neglected because we are so focused on helping DD1.

What can I try? (I feel like I've tried everything but willing to try it all again). And how can I calm her once she's in these fits? When she's calm she is very clingy, wants me to hold her ALL day long, sleeps like she's suction-cupped to me (we cosleep).

I'll take any advice at all. My poor DD needs it.

[mamazee]

Extreme and frequent tantrums can be normal, but the fact that this has only been going on for a few weeks makes me think she's having some anxiety for some reason. Are there any changes happening or that are expected in her life?

[Hokulele]

I keep thinking there must be something, but I can't figure out what. She has a younger sister who is almost a year old. So there's nothing new and different there. But she has become very clingy and just in the last few days has refused to let anyone do anything with her except me. Although that seems more to be a behaviour in response to the tantrums.

[Magella]

Something developmental going on? It gets harder to see as they get older, but they do go through periods where they start to develop new cognitive skills, see the world in new ways. And that can be a little anxiety-inducing (I agree that it sounds like anxiety of some kind, everyone gets anxious sometimes). It's no different from seeing them regress and get a little more clingy when they learn to walk, for example (probably not all kids did this but mine did: more clinginess and night-waking when learning to crawl and walk). And it makes sense that she seems more clingy as she tantrums more: the tantrums probably feel as overwhelming to her as they do to you, and she's picking up on your stress too. I have a child who had tantrums like this, and I learned that the one thing I must do is STAY CALM no matter what. Don't talk much, don't try to fix things, don't try to hold her, don't try to calm her. Just be there, calmly. Let it happen (it's going to happen anyway) and just be that calm presence she needs--this helps her know that her feelings are not bad, that her tantrum isn't too scary, that she's going to be okay. And staying calm models what you want her to learn: to be more calm in the face of frustration.

If you can, read some of the books by Ames and Ilg: Your 3 year old, Your 4 Year Old, etc. One thing they talk about, that I found to be true, is that kids go through phases of equilibrium and disequilibrium. In general, and the timing is likely to be somewhat different for each child, you'll see periods of disequilibrium around the birthday and half birthday throughout at least the preschool years. This is very true with my kids, it's smooth sailing for a few months, then a difficult phase, then smooth sailing again. And it's very developmental, there's a lot going on in terms of development that's just not as obvious once they pass those baby and early toddlerhood milestones.

[Dandelionkid]

Please take her to her dr. Something is wrong if 4 hrs are spent screaming every day. Esp. if she just started this a couple weeks ago. Honestly, your post made the hairs on my neck stand up- it sounds so intense!! She needs to be evaluated for a physical or psychological reason for this.

[Hokulele]

Well, I just made an appt to see the pedi about this. I hope I'm not going overboard and I hope they don't just suggest medication. (I really don't know what the plan of action is in a situation like this.)

I have to do something, though, because this is just getting worse and worse. She even wakes in the middle of the night now - she wakes grumpy and it develops into full-blown anger within a minute or two. I hate to see this happening to her.

[Magella]

IME, medication is not something a pedi will recommend as a first plan of action. I don't think you have to worry about that yet.

I hope you can figure it out soon.