What to do about begging?

[Oliver'sMom]

I'm sure this has been covered before, but my search option isn't working.

Lately I've been having a lot of issues with ds while out shopping.

For example, when we were at the thrift store this morning, ds found a toy truck that he absolutely had to have. It was one of those micro machines and I wasn't comfortable with him having something so small, so I told him that we weren't going to buy that truck, but that we could go home and play with his trucks in the wading pool. He immediately started screaming and saying that he didn't want to go home, and that he wanted that truck...etc. I told him I understood that he wanted that truck and that it was a very nice truck, but now it's time to go. It eventually led to me picking him up and carrying him out of the store kicking and screaming I really didn't know what else to do. I told him that it was time to go, and that if he didn't come with me on his own, I was going to have to carry him...so I did give him some warning I guess.

There are times when he will want something while we're out, and I'll buy it for him, but I don't want ds to expect that everytime we go out he gets to bring home a new toy or have a special treat.

There have been a few instances very similar to this morning over the past few weeks, and it seems to be getting a little out of hand. I don't feel that what I'm doing is very affective and it feels so wrong to carry a kid out of a store screaming. I feel like I'm disrespecting him, and I can tell he's very embarrassed by it. I just don't know what to do! Thanks so much for any suggestions!

[JayJay]

I don't think you're disrespecting him at all, mama You are removing him from the situation and in a completely non-violent way. He's a child. He only knows what he wants, and not always what the appropriate ways to behave are when one cannot have what one wants. I absolutely do not advocate giving a child everything he or she wants because there is no doubt in my mind that you will end up with an extremely difficult child!

You're not torturing him! You're not abusing him, mama - he's just throwing a fit in a store, and you're stopping that from happening. Your actions are having an effect, but sometimes, the effect takes a little while to show up.

It's not the most pleasant situation, no. There are going to be a few situations like that, yes! Parenting isn't always sunshine But this phase too, shall pass. In my experience, it is indeed a phase that children go through to see what kinds of things they can do to get what they want. Once he realizes it won't work, he will stop

*HUGE hugs* XXXX

[Dandelionkid]

Originally Posted by Oliver'sMom

I'm sure this has been covered before, but my search option isn't working.

Lately I've been having a lot of issues with ds while out shopping.

For example, when we were at the thrift store this morning, ds found a toy truck that he absolutely had to have. It was one of those micro machines and I wasn't comfortable with him having something so small, so I told him that we weren't going to buy that truck, but that we could go home and play with his trucks in the wading pool. He immediately started screaming and saying that he didn't want to go home, and that he wanted that truck...etc. I told him I understood that he wanted that truck and that it was a very nice truck, but now it's time to go. It eventually led to me picking him up and carrying him out of the store kicking and screaming I really didn't know what else to do. I told him that it was time to go, and that if he didn't come with me on his own, I was going to have to carry him...so I did give him some warning I guess.

There are times when he will want something while we're out, and I'll buy it for him, but I don't want ds to expect that everytime we go out he gets to bring home a new toy or have a special treat.

There have been a few instances very similar to this morning over the past few weeks, and it seems to be getting a little out of hand. I don't feel that what I'm doing is very affective and it feels so wrong to carry a kid out of a store screaming. I feel like I'm disrespecting him, and I can tell he's very embarrassed by it. I just don't know what to do! Thanks so much for any suggestions!

I think you did great! Not much else to do when emotions are out of control. Have you tried talking to him before going into the store "no toys today" sort of thing? Then when he first sees the object of desire you could follow up "remember- we aren't buying any toys here- but that sure is nice- look at this (redirect)?

[GAjenn]

1. You did great, keep in mind that we will all have our moments!
2. Maybe try to set an expectation before entering the store that it is not going to be a day that he gets something.
3. Take along a toy from home that you can produce when he starts wanting something.

[EdnaMarie]

I can tell he's very embarrassed by it.

Then he should stop screaming already!

I understand (it may feel like you are the only GD parent to carry a screaming child out of some place, but I assure you that you are not- there are at least two of us ) but I agree that you are doing a good job. Some kids are just prepared to scream for what they want even if that is not realistic. I think GAjenn's advice (#2 especially) is really great.

[Oliver'sMom]

thanks mamas! That makes me feel SO much better. The situation yesterday was especially dramatic because in the midst of ds kicking and screaming, he caught his scab on his scraped knee on something and was bleeding all down his leg. So that drew a lot of attention

The suggestion of giving him fair warning that we're not buying toys is especially helpful. I'm totally trying that next time!

thanks again!

[MammaV]

BTDT! I've hauled the screaming kids, left the cart and had to go sit in the car to calm down. It's ok. I think you did the right thing. Don't worry about what others are doing - staring or making comments. They really don't matter in the grand scheme of things.

I like to set the expectation that we're not going to buy anything or that they'll get $1 this time, etc. We go over the expectation several times and everyone repeats it in the car. A temper tantrum for my older ones means that they will loose the opportunity for a treat at that trip. A really big melt down means they can pick a toy or book to donate to charity when we get home. It may seem extreme, but I've only had to do it once. My two year old doesn't really get it, but in an effort to copy his older siblings, he keeps an even keel. I always bring a snack, something to drink and a few small favorite toys hidden in my purse. Having a matchbox car or little dino to pull out when things veer off into cry time has been a life saver too. When kids get a bit hungry or tired, they have a much harder time coping with disappointment and even "boring" shopping trips.

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by MammaV

A really big melt down means they can pick a toy or book to donate to charity when we get home. It may seem extreme

Yes, that does seem extreme.

Anyway, just to put a different spin on it--I would have gotten him something else, something small, because from *his* perspective, you're getting something, so why shouldn't he?

Just my .02.

[JayJay]

Well sure, there's nothing wrong with buying a little something for a child but, when that child is throwing an absolute fit, buying something at that point is surely reinforcing the behavior? I'm sure that's not what you meant though Betsy, just throwing that one out there.

I'd say "well, *child*, when you can talk to me about it sensibly, then perhaps you can have something. But not this time - perhaps tomorrow we'll try again, okay?" Nothing traumatizing about that XXX

[MammaV]

my oldest is almost 8 and we've regularly done charity work together for families and kids in need. The 4 yo has been included in our activities as well. We only picked a toy to donate once because of inappropriate behavior. As a regular activity, we go through the toys with the kids before birthdays and Christmas holidays and they choose some to go to charity anyway. Giving of our excess is a part of our way of life. Giving back to our community and those in need is also part of our lifestyle. So all though it seems extreme to have that as the last straw action, we never get to that point. The other strategies work just fine and my kids are happy to monitor their own behavior in the store. They feel very proud of themselves for behaving well. The 4 yo loves the words of affirmation I give him when shopping and after our trip when he's exhibited self control. He feels like a big kid. He's decided to do it. I haven't forced him.

[JayJay]

We also donate a lot. MIL LOVES to drop a hundred and one things off with us, so we constantly have to go through and find stuff. Nowadays both kiddies have a very strong charitable reflex, and it's really nice to see - helps with sharing as well

[MammaV]

My MIL is the main culprit in the excess toys area too...lol. She loves to buy gifts! Sorry, OT, but tickled me anyway...

[kcstar]

I also don't see anything wrong with removing a LO from the store when they break down, although I have not always done so. For my 21-mo-old, when he gets loud and screams at home, I'll often name the emotion for him: "Angry boy" or "Frustrated boy", or whatever fits the situation. I stay calm, and usually right there, and as he calms down (and more as he gets older) we can talk more about how we express those negative emotions.

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by MammaV

my oldest is almost 8 and we've regularly done charity work together for families and kids in need. The 4 yo has been included in our activities as well. We only picked a toy to donate once because of inappropriate behavior. As a regular activity, we go through the toys with the kids before birthdays and Christmas holidays and they choose some to go to charity anyway. Giving of our excess is a part of our way of life. Giving back to our community and those in need is also part of our lifestyle. So all though it seems extreme to have that as the last straw action, we never get to that point. The other strategies work just fine and my kids are happy to monitor their own behavior in the store. They feel very proud of themselves for behaving well. The 4 yo loves the words of affirmation I give him when shopping and after our trip when he's exhibited self control. He feels like a big kid. He's decided to do it. I haven't forced him.

Giving because it's the right and charitable thing to do is one thing. Forcing your child to give something up as a punishment is another. You were talking about the latter, not the former, and that's what I was speaking to.

[BetsyNY]

Originally Posted by JayJay

Well sure, there's nothing wrong with buying a little something for a child but, when that child is throwing an absolute fit, buying something at that point is surely reinforcing the behavior? I'm sure that's not what you meant though Betsy, just throwing that one out there.

I'd say "well, *child*, when you can talk to me about it sensibly, then perhaps you can have something. But not this time - perhaps tomorrow we'll try again, okay?" Nothing traumatizing about that XXX

I don't think about my children's behavior in those terms. I reserve the right to change my mind, and I don't *not* change my mind because I see it as conditioning my child. That's just not how I parent.

And it's not something that comes up often, because I usually get them a little something if we're out. I try not be The Holy Holder Of All Purchasing Power just because I'm an adult. I get things I want, they can have things they want.

[PassionateWriter]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

Yes, that does seem extreme.

Anyway, just to put a different spin on it--I would have gotten him something else, something small, because from *his* perspective, you're getting something, so why shouldn't he?

Just my .02.

i agree with this statement.

its so hard when they want something inappropriate but if you are out shopping, i dont think its unreasonable that they would want something also. how would you (general you) feel if someone else took you shopping (and you had to go..no choice) and they spent all this time shopping and then told you no, you cant have anything.

i try to be as non consumeristic as possible but if i am shopping with my kids, i have to consider that they dont see the small truck or whatever as different than the stuff im getting. and in a thrift store, its not going to be significant expensive to get him a small truck.

and before anyone thinks that my kids are just spoiled rotten, thats not the case at all. they generally dont expect toys, etc. when out and are not demanding in that sense.

im sure it goes w/o saying that i dont agree with punishments when at home when a child, for whatever reason, just loses it.

[MammaV]

"Giving because it's the right and charitable thing to do is one thing. Forcing your child to give something up as a punishment is another. You were talking about the latter, not the former, and that's what I was speaking to"

Good Point Betsy. Gives me something to re-evaluate. Thanks

I did some reflecting in the shower (my personal 10 minutes of quiet a day) and realized that my kids don't practice self control in the store because they might have to give a toy away to charity. In fact, I rarely mention that because the other strategies work. What a waste of mental stress for me to keep hanging onto that punishment. I'm ditching that. I put it into an adult situation too. What if DH told me I had to donate fabric to charity (I love sewing and I have way too much fabric) because of something like a messy dining room. That would be unfair and ridiculous. I can only imagine my reaction...lol. Thanks for gently pointing out something I did not see before. This forum rocks!

[milkmamamerina]

From your signature I can see your LO is just getting into age range for the fantasy/magical thinking stage. I find appealing to this mindset is very effective. ie. "I wish I could get you this toy but it just isn't a safe toy right now. I'm so sad that it's not a safe toy yet. If I could magically make it safe I would, but I can't"

It seems silly to us, but approach seems to head off the upset a good portion of the time. It allows you to be empathetic and not give in. It allows you to be your child's advocate against "the forces at be" instead of his opponent.

[labdogs42]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

And it's not something that comes up often, because I usually get them a little something if we're out. I try not be The Holy Holder Of All Purchasing Power just because I'm an adult. I get things I want, they can have things they want.

Interesting thought. I like how you worded that. I usually buy my DS something when we go shopping, too. I do try to steer him away from junky toys (like those things they sell at the grocery store) and I often give him an amount to spend and we check all the prices, etc. I'm glad to hear I'm not the only one who buys my kid a little something at the store!

[4inMyHeart3inArms]

I think you handled it well. other ideas for the future may be:
1) letting him know in advance you arent purchasing a toy that day - perhaps provide him a list so he can see, and have him help you by crossing things out.
2) you can try "you can play with tht truck for 5 minutes before we go, but it will have to stay here at the store when it's time to go"
3) you can wait it out, if you have the time and feel comfortable doing so

but again, I think what you did was fine. Your child is not the first, nor will he be the last, to have a tantrum in public over a toy. My personal method has always been talking with them about how cool the toy is or letting them know they can play with it til its time to leave then we have to put it back. I usually do this before the tantrums start, and so far we've never had a tantrum over "getting something" from the store - but each child of mind has had a tantrum from being tired or hungry once or twice and we just leave. They are upset while we are leaving - but thats because they are upset we arent already gone. Sorry to ramble off topic there but I know how it feels and I just remind mindself that most children do have tantrums in public, and that it doesnt matter what other people think doing the right thing for my child is whats important in those times.