My boyfriend reassured me for months before I had Lars that I would be a good mom but I knew I wouldn't be, and I was right. When he realized that I wasn't a good mother after all-- that I just wanted to lie in bed or on the floor-- he asked me "Why do you hate your child?" and he was sort of supportive, taking me to my shrink and that, and later when I started doing everything for Lars and he never even got to change a diaper he told everyone that I was a really good mother and told me that too, and he told me not to tell the doctor I was depressed because I was a good mother and he didn't want Lars to be taken away from us. But suddenly, when he encouraged me to come up for a visit to my parents and leave Lars with him, he sued me and used the postpartum depression I had had for 2 weeks or so against me, even though with the right drugs it had passed. He also said that I walked out on them. He claims he still loves me though and always will. He's suing for sole custody of Lars but says I'll have a say in every decision made in Lars's life. He doesn't know if he wants me back yet. He doesn't want to talk about our relationship right now. I had said some things about wanting to break up with him, but not about wanting to leave Lars, and I had only said those things to pressure him into explaining why he did certain inappropriate things to me, not because I really wanted to break up with him. When I ask him why he thinks my postpartium depression was my fault he says that he isn't in the habit of laying blame, but then he asked me "How is it not your fault?" I admitted that it was my fault that I didn't get different meds than the ones that were making me perfectly content to lay in bed all day staring at the walls unable to concentrate on anything, not even the TV. I should have had my meds changed months before Lars was born, realizing that my meds were doing this to me. But I guess I couldn't think straight because of the meds and I wouldn't have wanted to get out of bed to go to a shrink. So was it my fault? Even I don't know. But I love my boyfriend and Lars so much and I want to make him and everyone else see that it wasn't my fault and that he's being unfair to me, but at the same time I want to make him happy and I promised to always make him happy and never leave him or replace him with someone else or cheat on him in any way he would consider cheating. So I'm fucked, I guess. I want so badly to make him happy and be nice to him all the time no matter what he does to me because I should recognize eveyrthing he does as wonderful. And him as deserving the best treatment no matter what. I really want to die right now. My parents are tired of talking to me about this and just want me to shut up, and I guess I should start talking to my online friends again. And I need some friends right now. And to make matters worse, my boyfriend thinks I'm deliberately leaving out everything that might make me look bad when I tell my friends about what he did to me and that I leave out what I did. What did I do? I didn't leave it out besides, and if I did it was because I thought he knew why I did those things and that there was nothing wrong with it, and that it was irrelevant. I wasn't trying to hide anything from my friends.
He also knows full well that if I don't live with him I have no place to stay in Houston where they live so I would have to either live on the street or not see my son, perhaps for years. We're in different countries right now.
I'll post my whole list of things he said wrong in his petition to the court and things he says that proves horrible things that will happen, but I don't feel like it right now.
I just wanted to die.
And of course I'm a horrible person for saying all this stuff about my boyfriend because I'm supposed to stick by him and love him and be supportive of him no matter what.
And I can't stand that chances are he either thinks I'm trying to make him look bad and myself good, or he knows I'm not but is just trying to torture me by isolating me by not letting me talk about it and/or stop me from doing that. And he'll probably get mad at me for saying these things, but he's assumed untrue things about me that were hurtful, too.
He also knows full well that if I don't live with him I have no place to stay in Houston where they live so I would have to either live on the street or not see my son, perhaps for years. We're in different countries right now.
I'll post my whole list of things he said wrong in his petition to the court and things he says that proves horrible things that will happen, but I don't feel like it right now.
I just wanted to die.
And of course I'm a horrible person for saying all this stuff about my boyfriend because I'm supposed to stick by him and love him and be supportive of him no matter what.
And I can't stand that chances are he either thinks I'm trying to make him look bad and myself good, or he knows I'm not but is just trying to torture me by isolating me by not letting me talk about it and/or stop me from doing that. And he'll probably get mad at me for saying these things, but he's assumed untrue things about me that were hurtful, too.
Keep in mind that whether or not he goes to counseling, does not stop you from going yourself. Since it sounds like your family has given up listening to you and being your support team, counseling would be a good pillar to help you to work through this issue. I'd make it a requirement too, if you plan to work on your relationship. If he won't go, it shows where your relationship stands; and he's not worth it.
