Prioritizing God's Way??

[eastkygal]

I am beyond stressed out, and I am becoming filled with rage at times because of it. I feel like I'm spinning wheels, and I know I shouldn't because we are so blessed. Part of my problem is health related, and I am doing all I can to work on that, but I still will have a lot on my plate. I don't know if my expectations of my life right now are wrong, or if I'm not a good manager or what.

My Responsibilities:
1. wife and mother of two under 4
2. housecleaning
3. cooking
4. chicken caregiving
5. tending veggie garden
6. exercise for myself
7. writing everyday (either blogging or working on my novel)
8. grocery shopping

I am becoming overwhelmed as I can't seem to get anything done. I'm not spending enough one on one time with the girls. I can't get my house clean. I'm not getting as much writing done as I feel I need to. I'm horrible at discipline and am raising my voice far too much. I feel like such a failure. My spiritual life is lacking sooo much.

I wonder about my priorities. I go to the store needing to buy normal everyday things like underpants for DD1 and some shampoo for me, and I have to really really think about those purchases because of our lack of extra money for things like that. DH and I have no insurance. I'd like to contribute to the income somehow which is why I have become so focused on my writing. I feel it is a gift from God to be utilized both as a way of bringing glory to Him and providing for my family. DH and I have felt led to live a simple life without much money but utilizing our talents as God wills us. So far, our direct needs have been met, and I have faith they always will. I just feel pressure to take it a step up to pay off some debt, not have to worry about simple purchases, and to get us the healthcare we need. I don't know... maybe I have it all wrong. I don't believe getting a job outside of the home is what I've been called to do. I'm confused, and I need help before I lose my footing.

Any ideas?? I wish things were more simple and the only job for me was homemaking and mothering and that I could find all the fulfillment I needed in that, but it just isn't so.

[genifer]

Easygal, Im really not sure what to say except I can remember a time when I felt like that ALL the time and there are a lot of days when I still feel very overwhelmed. It seems to me to be one of those things that come in seasons, ykwim? I spent the better half of 10 years under extremely outrageously pressurised circumstances myself so I myself 'earned' some stress related health issues, anxiety, ibs, and at one point or two depression (ranging from normal 'Oh everybody feels down sometimes' to 'I want to harm myself'). The main thing Ive learned is ..yes, prioritise God's way, which means giving it ALL over to God and knowing with out any uncertainty what it is He expects from you. Then ALLOWing myself KNOW His peace. I had to make sure i was spending time in His word, and that is something that comes in seasons too. There are times when Im drinking it in... Im soaking myself in massive amounts of scripture... then all of a sudden it doesnt make any sense to me and I find myself having to study one or two verses here or there, mostly psalms when Im feeling overwhelmed. No one can tell what of those things to give up, or even if you need to, except God Himself, so hearing from him is VERY important. First of all you are a mum of two ... and a wife and imho, those priorities come first, above ALL else. So, may I suggest you drop everything else for the time being. Its only a suggestion. Let the pressure of everything else drop. We have stupid debts too and Im a sahm of three who are school age and in school. But due to my health issues, which lets face it, God could have prevented, but for me, I am learning that my own health issues acutally MAKE me slow down and rely on God. And Im learning SO much. So much that is very personal to me. AND altho we have debts, I have full confidence that God has first of all put it on my heart to get these debts sorted, but also He is going to provide a way. He's never let me down, EVER! I just encourage you to press into Him. Seek His face. Let go what He calls you to let go and be determined to be ok with it. I hth... pm me if you wanna chat a bit more and go into more depth. God is seriously the ONLY one who knows you and your family's needs thru and thru and He's the only one who can move ya in the direction you need to go.

gen

[Bluegoat]

Yes, it does sound like you need to prioritize, or you are going to be overwhelmed.

One thing I would suggest is that no matter what else you decide to do, you need to ground it in a spiritual life. Of course most moms find that starts to be infringed upon, especially when kids are small. But it really is one of the most important components, it allows us to stay grounded, parent well, and it helps us to put all the other things in perspective.

As for the rest, I suspect you may have to make some compromises on some things, or ask your husband for help, or if he isn't in a position to do so, at least discuss it with him so he knows you will be making some decisions.

Why not take a month, and clear away all but the essential things (which actually looks like most, alas, unless you ditch the garden and chickens), and slowly add them back in one at a time? See if you can combine some or create efficiencies - say, don't cook a lunch but instead make up cold lunches, or combine gardening with exercise (I saw a discussion of how to do this on tv once, it involves making movements like hoeing in a somewhat exaggerated way, for example.) Could you use a more efficient gardening method, or a few less chickens? Get rid of the blog and only work on the novel till the kids are a bit older (and can take over the chickens, perhaps.) Maybe your dh could do some work on the coop to make it easier to clean?

The money thing is hard. I would really like to homeschool, but I am starting to think that at some point I will have to get a job so I can begin to put some money away - dh is not very good at that - and I don't want to have to work a nasty full-time job when I'm 65 because he has dies and I have no money - especially if I am sick. But things do come up - this year I unexpectedly was asked to do some part-time babysitting, which worked out well.

But time with God is important - he can show us ways and opportunities we didn't know were available.

[eastkygal]

Everything seems so necessary to me right now. I can't seem to feel like I can give up anything. 2-5 are all absolutely have to things for me. And 1 of course is, but I am doing a horrible job at that and keeping the house clean. I am so irritable all the time that if I didn't control myself I would break things. I feel down most days regardless of whether or not it is warranted. We are so blessed in that DH is working for his-self (but that comes with hardships too when you are your only employee). God made a way for us to be in the mountains with our families, and live off-grid so we can supplement our lives with food we grow and raise. I have two beautiful little girls... and I am not being a good example for them right now. So, why do I feel so stressed and down?
The writing is something I feel called to do. It is eating at me that I don't have the time to do it like I should to make it my career. I feel like this is given to me to use and utilize and I feel like the time is now. The more I go on the more I feel that is true.
The exercise is a commitment to health I have made and I wonder if I should at least cut back on it... I'm confused here too.
I don't take time for spiritual things, and my day to day doesn't run in a spiritual way. I wish it did. How do I find that small still voice, when I feel like I need a loud booming voice to tell me the plan for my life? I want it to be obvious so I don't waste my time or the time of my children. I'll one day look up and they will be grown and I'll have to be assured that I spent my time with them well, or I'll be full of regrets. It breaks my heart. Where is the balance...

Sorry to rant, but I'm getting emotional about this so much, and there isn't another place to vent.

[MoonWillow]

I am doing a horrible job

I am not being a good example for them right now

A few things are jumping out at me here so I hope you don't mind me giving you my thoughts...

I've followed your blog a bit btw (I am a closet country living/off grid lurker).

You seem awfully hard on yourself. I say that I am a closet off grid lurker because I don't and never will belong there because as much as it fascinates and engages me, I will never have the strength of character, energy or will to make something like that work.

What you do every day is ALOT. I understand the guilt, the invisible yardstick by which we as mothers all hold ourselves to. It looks different for each of us but I believe that we each have one. And FWIW, to someone like me, yours looks unattainable! Just some perspective...

Anyway I certainly hope that you have no regrets when your girls are older because that would be a serious shame. You are giving them this beautiful, peaceful, thoughtful life full of heritage, full of love. That will carry them far!

You are only one person. You cannot be responsible for the entirety of everyone's well being in the family. It may come at the expense of your own. I am learning this the hard way.

My Responsibilities:
1. wife and mother of two under 4
2. housecleaning
3. cooking
4. chicken caregiving
5. tending veggie garden
6. exercise for myself
7. writing everyday (either blogging or working on my novel)
8. grocery shopping

All of those things that you listed are important but you left off a big responsibility, you.

So, why do I feel so stressed and down?

Because you are depressed. I hate to say it but its glaringly obvious to me. You do need to prioritize. You need to put yourself on the top of that list. The rest will fall into place when you've nurtured yourself.

[Bluegoat]

You know, my dh and I until recently lived in the country, not off-grid, but we had a big garden, chickens, goats. We recently moved into town, but I really miss the country life, and so does he.

One thing that we have talked about is that the idea of one familiy living alone, self-sufficient, is probably not the way to go, for us anyway. Sure, pioneers did it - they had two adults, at least, and a larger community for a few things, and also very hard lives, were lonely in many cases, and sometimes starved.

We've started to think that maybe what is more reasonable is for two or three families to get together and keep a garden, and chickens, and a little cow... to help with childcare or allow one family to take a vacation, or to cover when someone is sick.

My point really is, you are doing the job of more than one person - keeping a homestead is a full-time job. Having a writing career is a part-time job, at least.

It often annoyes me that the still small voice is so small - it would be much easier if it were clear - I have lately been looking for some specific direction which has not been forthcoming. However, I suspect there is a good reason for it. One, if God gave us specific commands, we would lose the ability to choose what is important to us, which is a privileged he has given us. Maybe God isn't worried about whether you choose to homestead, or write, or become a ditch-digger? He is leaving it up to you. (He is being clear, it seems to me, that you need to take the pressure off yourself and perhaps give more time to your beautiful girls?)

And because that voice can be very small, it demands that we seek it out, listen carefully, and perhaps obtain some inner stillness before we can really hear it. Those are things that are valuable and grounding in themselves.

I hope you feel better soon - if you continue to have trouble, it could be useful to talk to a family doctor, or a minister about this. Sometimes a depression can get away from you a bit, and it needs a bit of help to get things back to normal. I know medical expenses are an issue, but something to think about.

(PS - the pictures on your blog are beautiful, what a lovely place to live!)

[genifer]

My Responsibilities:
1. wife and mother of two under 4
2. housecleaning
3. cooking
4. chicken caregiving
5. tending veggie garden
6. exercise for myself
7. writing everyday (either blogging or working on my novel)
8. grocery shopping

As far as exercise, I incorporate it into my running around after the family. I imagine you do a LOT of running around. Gardening, caring for chickens, running after kids and dh, it actually seems like you naturally got the exercise covered. Thats just one suggestion. I do my shopping online but Im not sure if you can do that.

[eastkygal]

Moon Willow - Thank you so much. It helps to hear someone put things plainly. I see others accomplishments sometimes and I wonder why I'm not accomplishing that much. But, maybe I need to look closer. I don't want to think that I am depressed because I have most of the things I want for all and my direct needs are met. It seems selfish for someone blessed like that to be depressed. But, I guess I am.

It is so hard once I get it in my head that there are things I need to do, to not do them at all costs. I come from a family of "we are strong" and we'll do it ourselves even if it means our health physically/emotionally. I grew up watching the adults in my life do this and then receive accolades from the rest of the family for it. I can't shake the thought of admitting to weakness.

I think of my foremothers and I feel like I'm pale in comparison. Yet, they didn't have the pressures (so much) of also bringing in a monetary income.

Bluegoat - Thank you as well. I needed to hear what you said about the small still voice. Maybe it does come down to a choice of what is important to me. I want all of that. I want a homestead, to write, to raise my girls happily. I want it.

DH is soooo busy especially in the summer's making any money he can for us that he doesn't have too much time to help with the garden and animal care. He works so hard and is so successful... maybe I'm comparing myself to him. His accomplishments are seen by others... so many times a mother's is kept hidden. It can make one feel like they are doing nothing.

I get to feeling like things are so immediate. If I am to ever be a writer, I have to do it now! It's my thinking....

I might have been pushing myself a little much with the exercise, and I have lost 100lbs. in the last year. I get fearful that it will come back, eventhough I know I am eating healthy. I might not be normal here.... a little obsessive maybe. But, I enjoy exercise and feel better when I do it right. I need to re-evaluate this area.

Focusing on my spiritual life and family first might be what I need to do for a while and try to let the rest flow. I just don't know how to not get soooo worked up over the smallest things. It is such a physical response.

[MoonWillow]

You raise a good point about your foremothers. I think that the whole "pull yourself up by your bootstraps" idea was also generational. Your foremothers also probaby weren't practicing AP.
You can forge a more enlightend way of life for yourself and your family. The first step is perhaps to lighten up on yourself!
I don't know how it all fits in with your spiritual life, but maybe if you carved out some time for just you, the voice would be more clear.

[MoonWillow]

maybe I'm comparing myself to him. His accomplishments are seen by others... so many times a mother's is kept hidden. It can make one feel like they are doing nothing.

The invisible yard stick again.

[cappuccinosmom]

You know what's funny? The more I do, and the more I do well, the more that "yardstick" shows up in my life. Last Friday, I got a ton of stuff done, the house was *clean*, the kids happy, I was happy. And then at the end of the day all I could think was "Yeah, but I should have done this and this and that and that and why didn't I do that and what a lazy bum I am and I am such a rotten wife and mom". It was ridiculous, I couldn't even enjoy a day well-spent.

I wonder if changing *how* you do things might make a difference? If you eat reasonably and are already running around as much as you do, perhaps a hike with the kids or a short-early morning jog would be enough to keep your wieght from coming back? As your kids get older, I think you will be able to incorporate them into the stuff you do in a helpful way as well. No matter where you live, sometimes with two little ones like that it just is *crazy*. But we just visited farming friends and their 4 and 6 yo's *loooooove* to work with them and *looooooove* to have the responsibilities their given, like collecting eggs, helping in the garden, even helping with the milking. : It won't be like this forever.

As to writing, again I wonder about changing method. Honestly I don't see that the time for a novel is *now*. You may need to decide that it will just have to go slower. I know that is hard to accept, especially if it is weighing on you now. But if you have too much on your plate, something has to go. What else can you put to the side for a time?

[eastkygal]

cappucinomom - I know you are right in that... theoretically (barring any unforseen catastrophe) I will have more time than now to write a novel. I am a very impatient person - very impatient. It is my worst quality and the one I struggle with the most.

For example - DD2 needs a nap... I want her to fall asleep within 5 minutes or I start to feel frustrated and agitated.

I have a great idea for a blog entry or a chapter... I want to sit down and write immediately until I have at least finished a draft.

I need to weed the garden... I want to work non-stop until it is all complete.

At this point I think I'm going to start with the exercise as far as cutting back. My health is not what it should be for me to be going all out in that area, and I do believe I've been pushing too hard there. My relationship with it is not healthy. I took a walk outside today with DD1 on my back and it was refreshing. I need to look at more natural forms of exercise.

But, soon DD1 will be school aged and I know that many people will expect me to do something to bring in money for our family. Both mine and DH's mother worked outside the home, and they worry all the time about my decision to stay home with the girls. We do without a lot of things they don't believe we should. I know within the next few years I'll be expected by many to have a job. I won't be a public school teacher again. Writing is my passion and I feel like it is such hard work to get to the point where it will pay off for me that I should start now. I want to be a writer. I want to contribute to our finances. I want us to some day not have to consider a pack of underpants for DD1, a sipper cup for DD2, and developing pictures of the girls a huge purchase that should be considered and reconsidered. Yet, both DH and I feel led to the lifestyle we lead. Maybe I should look away from the "normal" family life and what our parents expect of us.

My first responsibilities are to God... then my husband and children. But, I feel like everything I'm doing is being responsible for them... yet it takes me from them too. I guess the best place to start is spiritually. I need to find what matters to me there. Emotionally I'm just not well at all.

[EnviroBecca]

Here are two things I have learned about digging out of an overstressed state:

The first one relates to your main question: Even when it seems there is no room for anything else, it's usually possible to make room for something worthwhile...and usually I feel as if I have no less time and energy than I did before! For example, years ago I was feeling overstressed and I got a pet rabbit; I spent at least half an hour a day caring for my rabbit, but I never felt the loss of half an hour from my other activities. It's like things expand to fill all the space that's available! So, set times for prayer and stick to them! You don't have to do long, elaborate prayers; just have some times when you connect with God. It will pay off! :

The second one has two steps:
First, put aside your "to do" list and make a "did" list. Just write on it everything you get done each day. Use a generous definition of "getting things done" that includes kindness to others and self-care. At the end of the day, look over it, thank God for all the things you were able to do, and focus yourself on what you DID rather than what you need/hope to do. This is a temporary step to help you out of the "I never get enough done" mindset, but you might want to continue with it even after you
Make a new kind of "to do" list or schedule. Use a different format or system than you ever have before, one that seems like it might work for you. I can't say what you should try--think about the types of lists and schedules you've used at various stages of your life and what was good and bad about each one, and look for a system that has most of the good features and none of the bad ones--but I do want to recommend having two or more levels of priority to distinguish things you HAVE to do TODAY from things that can wait. Try it for one month, making small tweaks as necessary. After that, if it isn't working for you, try something completely different.

When you pray, remember to give thanks. There's always SOMETHING to be thankful for! At the end of a bad day, I sometimes put myself to sleep by giving thanks for every good or at least not-so-bad thing I can think of.

[Bekka]

Originally Posted by eastkygal

I have a great idea for a blog entry or a chapter... I want to sit down and write immediately until I have at least finished a draft.

I need to weed the garden... I want to work non-stop until it is all complete.

I don't have answers for all of your concerns, but a couple of things jumped out. You can find ways to feel "success." This week I finished weeding my garden. I did it over several days, and did 2 square feet at a time. That was my goal, and once I did that *little bit* my gardening chore was done for that day.

Ernest Hemingway felt that he was successful at writing when he wrote one good sentence a day. Maybe that is something that you can think about as a definition of "success."

I found with little ones, especially with 2 under 4, I needed to abandon the idea of cleaning a *room* and clean a corner. Then I needed to take the time to stand back and look at the corner and appreciate what I had done.

(Now I have 5 kids and have several rooms perpetually a mess). I have a couple little goals every day, anything else is gravy. We load and run the dw every night, we sweep under the table, we pick up the living room. That way at least one room is nice in the morning and the table is ready for breakfast.

New definitions for "success" help a lot. And praying for patience.

[megviolet]

Originally Posted by genifer

Easygal, Im really not sure what to say except I can remember a time when I felt like that ALL the time and there are a lot of days when I still feel very overwhelmed. It seems to me to be one of those things that come in seasons, ykwim? I spent the better half of 10 years under extremely outrageously pressurised circumstances myself so I myself 'earned' some stress related health issues, anxiety, ibs, and at one point or two depression (ranging from normal 'Oh everybody feels down sometimes' to 'I want to harm myself'). The main thing Ive learned is ..yes, prioritise God's way, which means giving it ALL over to God and knowing with out any uncertainty what it is He expects from you. Then ALLOWing myself KNOW His peace. I had to make sure i was spending time in His word, and that is something that comes in seasons too. There are times when Im drinking it in... Im soaking myself in massive amounts of scripture... then all of a sudden it doesnt make any sense to me and I find myself having to study one or two verses here or there, mostly psalms when Im feeling overwhelmed. No one can tell what of those things to give up, or even if you need to, except God Himself, so hearing from him is VERY important. First of all you are a mum of two ... and a wife and imho, those priorities come first, above ALL else. So, may I suggest you drop everything else for the time being. Its only a suggestion. Let the pressure of everything else drop. We have stupid debts too and Im a sahm of three who are school age and in school. But due to my health issues, which lets face it, God could have prevented, but for me, I am learning that my own health issues acutally MAKE me slow down and rely on God. And Im learning SO much. So much that is very personal to me. AND altho we have debts, I have full confidence that God has first of all put it on my heart to get these debts sorted, but also He is going to provide a way. He's never let me down, EVER! I just encourage you to press into Him. Seek His face. Let go what He calls you to let go and be determined to be ok with it. I hth... pm me if you wanna chat a bit more and go into more depth. God is seriously the ONLY one who knows you and your family's needs thru and thru and He's the only one who can move ya in the direction you need to go.

gen

I totally needed to read this today. SO glad i found your post

OP: huge ((HUGS)) to you, it does sound like you are too hard on yourself. I'm amazed at what you accomplish!

[smeisnotapirate]

I feel you so much right now. Know that you're not alone.

At this time, when it feels like I don't know what to say to G-d or think I have enough time, I turn to the Psalms. They're songs of praise, and they remind me of all the blessings I have and put me in a positive frame of mind.

It's tough feeling that cloud hanging overhead. Maybe just trying to change to a more positive outlook (only putting things in positive terms, even in your head, only reading positive things, ignoring news, etc) for a short time might help.

Also, don't feel like you "have" to be "normal". DH and I both work jobs that (according to everyone) are wastes of our talents. We could be easily making six figures each, but we choose not to, because our jobs allow us our priorities (family, home, synagogue). You're choosing, by your lifestyle, to live out of the rat race. You just have to stop comparing yourself to the "rat race" definition of normal.

PS - I grew up near you! Just north of Lexington.

[AngelBee]