Negative self-talk sucks!

[AuntNi]

A couple of times during the past week, my 7-yo DD has gotten very distracted while looking in the mirror while she's brushing her teeth before bed. Both times, she's broken down sobbing, "I'm the ugliest girl in the world! I'm so ugly!" And she details to me all the things about her she thinks are ugly.

I am so disturbed by this! I can't imagine where she's gotten this, because I am very careful to not call myself fat or ugly - especially in front of her. As a matter of fact, I really hate when girls/women do this. I hate when I'm with a group of women who start moaning, "Ugh, I just ate ice cream - I'm so fat and disgusting!" : I feel like she's probably heard it from someone at school.

(FTR, I'm not being partial when I say my DD *isn't* ugly - she's actually eerily beautiful, and has perfect strangers comment on how beautiful she is all the time.) Because she gets so many comments about her looks, and because I really don't value looks as much as accomplishments, I try to focus my compliments more on her strength, brains, and accomplishments. I try to keep it about a 20/80 ratio of, "You look so pretty today" vs. "Great job on your homework, babe," and "You are such a great swimmer." So far, my response to her when she gets on these tangents is, "Of course you're not ugly. You're beautiful. I know most girls have things about their looks they like less than others. But I think that instead of picking your imagined faults apart, you should focus your attention outward, and work on your personality and being a good friend."

As I've mentioned here before, she has struggled with anxiety and is a little OCD, so I know that's why she gets into a downward spiral with anything she fixates on.

If it weren't summertime, I would ask the school counselor if she's heard this at school. In the meantime, can anyone recommend reading for me on girls and positive self-talk?

[lauradbg]

What to do When You Worry too Much is a great book and might be helpful for her. It shows how to talk yourself down from worry and get on with it.

It's not specific to self talk for girls, but in general how to get past bullying worries.

[meemee]

nichole i just wanted to say this is a typical age thing. most of my dd's first grade does it too. including my dd. i think its hormones. i think they are trying to figure things out.

i dont try to change their mind. it seems like they really want to explore their feelings. so i just sit and listen.

my dd also has anxiety. for my dd i think she needs to go thru this to handle life. i just and empathise with her and go with what she says. much later on i check and ask her you dont think you are really dumb are you? and she says no. i think what happens is she fails at something and makes it worse than it really is.

[AuntNi]

Hormones? Oh gosh, I thought we had another couple of years before that kicked in. : I don't remember any body/looks issues in my friends until we were probably in fourth grade.

Thanks for the input, ladies. I really appreciate it!

[EnviroBecca]

I would stop arguing against her feelings and do active listening: "You're unhappy with the way you look.... You wish your nose was smaller."

Maybe talk about how sometimes your own face starts to look funny just because you've been looking at it so long, and you notice things about yourself that other people will never notice--if you really are familiar with these feelings yourself; if you're just pretending, it will fall flat.

Maybe your bathroom needs more flattering lighting! In most hotel bathrooms, the lighting is too bright and harsh, and it makes me look just blotchy and pockmarked and hideous!!! I really have to struggle against the negative self-talk. It helps to walk away from the mirror while brushing teeth and to do mirror-using tasks (like fixing hair) at the bedroom mirror where the light is more forgiving.

[sahmmie]

Tell her that "God doesn't make ugly people" and reassure her that everyone feels unattractive at times.