WWYD When Children Don't Respond ....

[Katwoman]

I need help working through this.

My kids are 3 and 5.

I very much believe in "picking your battles". I try not to micromanage my kids because they need to be able to do things independently. But I'm having some trouble with my kids not responding to me when I speak to them. I need some ideas on what other people do.

For yes or no questions, if they don't respond I will say "okay, I will take your silence to mean yes/no". This way this is kind of a closure to the topic and then they know why I'm doing what I'm doing. (Also this gives them a chance to say "oh, wait I meant no.")

But for open ended requests I'm not having much success. I make eye contact with my youngest and talk to her so I know she hears me .... and .... nothing. If I repeat myself to my oldest - who abhors eye contact - she gets this nasty tone and complains that I repeat myself. Sigh ....

With my youngest if she's doing something truly annoying to another person and someone asks her to stop, she just keeps doing it. I've talked to her about it being respectful if something's bothering someone else to stop doing it. I've tried redirecting her. I've tried telling her to stop and she just keeps doing it.

If I pick my battles and it's important that they listen and they won't, what happens next? What do you guys do?

[MammaV]

The first thing to do is to show them how to be a good listener. When they want to talk to you, turn off the TV/Radio, put down what you're doing and give them you're full attention. I would also give them a chart. My DD loves charts and this is a positive way to catch her practicing a good behaviour. We use stickers and get extra storey time at night or she can pick the family movie or game etc. I "catch" the kids listening to me and to others and we add the stickers. I also reinforce through discussions that we choose to be good listeners because it's the right thing to do. It shows that we respect others and ourselves. When the kids have not been listening well to each other or me or anyone, we will take a break and do a circle time where we pass a toy and each person gets a turn to talk and everyone listens. Even young kids want to be heard and attended to. This has been very effective. It's also good to note that a child who is absorbed in a game/toy/tv/computer might not be choosing not to listen, but might be so absorbed he/she cannot hear you. Non verbal cues, like touching the shoulder and asking for eye contact before you start talking is a good way to avoid a "bad listening" experience. By modeling good listening when you're reading, on the computer etc, you're child will pick up the appropriate behavior. Reinforcing what you did with a conversation later asking how did the child feel when you paid full attention to her/him will also help them learn good listening skills.
Listening exercises or games are fun to play when listening isn't an issue too. Games with two cups and a string, or whispering secrets or just practicing calling your child and having them respond how you like teaches in a non-stressful way. Their recall of the habit when it is important will be more automatic. I also noticed that when I want my 2 yo to come running when I call him, if I have my older one's practice and show him how to do it, it becomes a game and they all come running pell mell at me. It was my DD's idea to show him. She's my little problem solver!
Sorry so long. We've just been working a lot on this with the 2 yo

[Funny Face]

I don't have a 5 year old yet but I do have a three year old.
If I'm talking and she's not listening I get her attention, whether it's putting my hand over the hand that is playing to get her to stop, or gently wrapping my arms around her or turning off the tv. If she won't respond or acknowledge me I usually say "It looks like you need help listening." and put her somewhere non-stimulating like the big chair in the living room (our house is very small so the chair is pretty much always in arms reach) and tell her to let me know when she's ready to listen.

All I can do is create an environment that makes it easier for her to want to listen.

I think more times than not they hear you but act like they don't.

[Funny Face]

Originally Posted by Katwoman

But for open ended requests I'm not having much success. I make eye contact with my youngest and talk to her so I know she hears me .... and .... nothing. If I repeat myself to my oldest - who abhors eye contact - she gets this nasty tone and complains that I repeat myself. Sigh ....

I usually tell them once and give them a chance to respond. Then it's "It looks like you need help doing ______." ( I don't know what you are telling them). I try to make them understand that when they don't respond they are giving up their chance to negotiate or have a say. I then pick her up and we continue on with whatever it was I was asking her to do or respond to. If she suddenly says her answer then we go with that.

Originally Posted by Katwoman

With my youngest if she's doing something truly annoying to another person and someone asks her to stop, she just keeps doing it. I've talked to her about it being respectful if something's bothering someone else to stop doing it. I've tried redirecting her. I've tried telling her to stop and she just keeps doing it.

Again, if she's not listening do it for her. Pick her up and move her, or tell the other person "___ doesn't want to treat you nicely right now. Lets go do something else until she can play with kindness."

It sounds like you are doing a really good job! I think those ages are really tough, I know 3 is for sure!

[Katwoman]

Mama V - I like the idea about being in a circle with the toy. My oldest really feels put on the spot if you look at her and ask her "memory" question. If we were in a circle with a toy I'll bet the "pressure" would be off and maybe easier to speak.

Funny Face - I have been putting the youngest in her room for screaming - she gets so mad and has this high pitched scream. I tell her it's until she uses her indoor voice. But unfortunately, she's in a mode where everything could end her up in her room so I need another way. I really like the idea about getting my oldest and say "your sister doesn't want to treat you nicely now, let's go somewhere else and find something to do." It removes the negative attention on the youngest, yet holds her accountable for her choices and shows the oldest that I'm not going to let her sister run over the rest of the family.

Thanks you guys! I love this place!