"her face isn't nice"

[Kaimamasan]

Posting on behalf of a friend whose 4 year old DD dislikes her gymnastics coach because the coach has burn scars on her face and neck. My friend's DD says "She isn't nice because her face isn't nice". Needless to say, my friend is not happy with this development and has tried to explain that how people are inside is what matters etc, but its not getting through so far.

Any advice on how to teach a 4 year old not to judge someone on the basis of looks?

I am thinking that part of the aversion might be due to fear, but since my DS is only 22 months, I really don't have experience in these matters.

Any thoughts would be very, very welcome indeed. Thanks ladies!

[A&A]

I think you're right on the fear factor. Specifically, she may be afraid that whatever the teacher has is contagious, and she doesn't want to look like that herself. I think reassuring her that she can't "catch" it from her teacher would go a long way.

[OTMomma]

I think explaining exactly what the scars are and how they got there (if possible) would go a long way- including if mom can point out a scar she has on her own arm or knee for example to help the child make sense of this.

This reminds me of a Berenstein Bears book we had about Strangers- Mama bear does this thing cutting up apples pointing out that one that looks weird on the outside is fine on the inside, and one that looked fine on the outside is wormy.... its a cute first explaination of how beauty is skin deep. She can probably borrow it from the library.

[ecoteat]

I think that reaction is probably a combination of fear and of a biological aversion to individuals of one's species that don't appear strong and healthy. We humans are usually taught pretty early on about societal expectations that shove that instinct away, but I think with young children who haven't fully assimilated into cultural norms yet that instinct is still guiding them.

[1littlebit]

i think its partly b/c she doesn't understand and partly the age. one of the kids my best friend nannies for who is that same age felt compelled to say that he did not like people who weren't white when he saw an AA family in the parking lot of the grocery store.

we know the family well and they are not racist but his whole neighborhood is white.. as is his school. he had really never seen anyone who wasn't white before. perhaps it is just that she is not familiar with the way her coach looks yet and it will get better as she gets more familiar. i think the boys family started watching more little bill on nickelodeon and caillou on sprout (i am absolutely not kidding) but i have no idea if it helped or not. hopefully explaining that she is not contagious and that all people look different will help. if not ... maybe for the time being just teach her not to say anything when someone looks different.

[pigpokey]

I think that your friend should just keep sending her. "I do not pick my friends or your teachers based on what they look like. I picked this coach because he / she is a knowledgeable teacher. Go to class and listen to your coach."

If the coach is good enough with the kids, then either (1) child needs more time to become familiar with coach and warm up to Coach or (2) child is trying to get out of gymnastics for some other reason (doesn't like waiting in line, leotard rides up) and is blaming Coach. Four year olds are funny.

If the coach is not good with the kids, then find another coach.

[Therese's Mommy]

We had a similar issue with my DD#1. There is a maintenance man at dh office who is a little person. DD was afraid of him from the get go. I tried everything. I talked to her about how everyone is different and isn't that great how the world is made up of all different types of people. I pointed out how her daddy and I are short, while her friend's parents are tall. I showed her pictures of other little people. Nothing worked. She was totally freaked out to tears at the sight of him.

Now, he is her friend and she asks dh about him all the time and hopes to see him when we go to dh's office. The change?? We went to a different church one Saturday night and she turned around and saw him there. She was so psyched and when we had to move to a pew closer to his she was excited. She was so excited to know he was "a friend of Jesus just like me". I think this would work with any shared experience that is important to the child outside of gymnastics. I fell into our solution, but perhaps your friend could have a conversation with the instructor about the situation and find some shared loved thing that her dd and the instructor have in common. Then they could either bump into the instructor at shared experience or the instructor could strike up a conversation with the dd about it.

Best of luck to your friend!

Beth