Using Gentle Discipline, Attachment Parenting Etc?

[Aliyahsmommy]

I am finding some problems with my use of gentle discipline, attachment parenting, and just my general parenting technique.
We choose to not hit/spank our 22 month old daughter and are not having any problems there as I don't seem to have that instinct especially when I look at her adorable face.
I do have the instinct to yell though and so does my husband. I usually find myself yelling at him not to speak to her that way as my protective instinct kicks in. What can I tell him though so he understand the importance of not yelling?
I find myself yelling when she is high needs and whining excessively or throwing a tantrum that is out of control. Does anyone have any ideas of things I can do in these situations?
Also I feel like I give in often to her. I try to make her happy at all times and I hate to see her cry. When she throws a tantrum I find myself offering everything under the sun to make her feel better. For example she doesn't want to get in her car seat and is saying no. I offer her numerous toys or a snack etc to try and coax her in. I almost feel like I am bribing her at times. I don't want to raise a child that doesn't listen and thinks crying will always get her what she wants, but I'm not sure of another way. Does anyone have any personal experiences you can share or ideas?
Overall I am just looking at ways to parent better. I do know I am a good mom, but I sometimes feel like I am raising a child that is a "brat"(sorry couldn't think of another way to say this and get my point across). My child throws tantrums in the store if we don't go down the escalator or I don't let her touch what she wants or if she wants out of the stroller and things like this make me think I am doing something wrong and maybe I am missing the discipline part of the "gentle discipline." She even tried to knock down a display once when I told her we were not going down the escalator right now! Ugh!

[BellinghamCrunchie]

At that age, they don't have much impulse control, and have no ability to delay gratification, and have little means of expressing themselves other than loudly.

The first thing that helped me was to allow her to have her feelings, at that age. I needed to get over my discomfort with her tantrums.

The carseat is a big issue for most children. I think that whatever you do to try to make it easier for them is okay - I tried to avoid "bribery" in the sense of "if you get in the carseat I'll give you X." But I did matter of factly say, "its time to get in the seat and buckle up" then physically help her to get into the seat if needed, followed by, "I know its hard to be in your seat. Here are some toys and a snack to help make it easier."

On outings, I tried to find a balance between what I wanted to do and what she wanted to do. We'd ride the escalator once or twice, then move onto the next thing. I tried to allow extra time for her to explore this fantastic new world, but not so much that I felt resentful.

It was a mistake (I discovered) to let her out of the grocery cart seat or stroller seat in the store at that age, so I had to backtrack and NEVER allow it until she was able to walk safely close by (around 3.5). I brought some toys or a snack or allowed her to hold something she picked out in the store to make it easier to sit in that seat, but didn't let her out. I sympathized with how hard it was to stay in the seat, but didn't let her out.

I think you have to decide what things you are not willing to negotiate on, what things you are, and how much time you will allow... then stick to it, in spite of tantrums or crying. You can make reasonable efforts to make it more comfortable and fun for her, but ultimately there will be some crying, sometimes, and its good to stay serene, confident, and empathic even when she's crying.

Its a hard balancing act, at that age. It gets easier. I don't really think you will be teaching her to be a brat if you do try to make things easier for her. Its better to anticipate what she wants to do ahead of time (look! There's the escalator. Let's go up and down one time, then we will go do X) rather than wait until she's in full tantrum mode before giving in, but occasionally its also okay to say, "I didn't realize how important this is to you. I changed my mind - we can do that a couple times."

[Aliyahsmommy]

Thank you for your thoughts. I like your idea about being able to change my mind. The only problem is will she understand that I've changed my mind or will she think her crying/tantrum made me change my mind? How do I separate the two?
Also I find myself changing my mind often for the exact reason that I don't realize how important something might be until I see her reaction to my saying no and then after I re-think it I decide that it is really not something that I care that much about and I'm okay with her having it. We do have some non-negotiable moments and I feel okay about those. I suppose I'm answering my own question as I'm realizing maybe I should think my answers over and say yes before no if it is not a big deal to me and then that would avoid the tantrum/crying and me giving in. It is just hard to do that in the moment.

Originally Posted by BellinghamCrunchie

At that age, they don't have much impulse control, and have no ability to delay gratification, and have little means of expressing themselves other than loudly.

The first thing that helped me was to allow her to have her feelings, at that age. I needed to get over my discomfort with her tantrums.

The carseat is a big issue for most children. I think that whatever you do to try to make it easier for them is okay - I tried to avoid "bribery" in the sense of "if you get in the carseat I'll give you X." But I did matter of factly say, "its time to get in the seat and buckle up" then physically help her to get into the seat if needed, followed by, "I know its hard to be in your seat. Here are some toys and a snack to help make it easier."

On outings, I tried to find a balance between what I wanted to do and what she wanted to do. We'd ride the escalator once or twice, then move onto the next thing. I tried to allow extra time for her to explore this fantastic new world, but not so much that I felt resentful.

It was a mistake (I discovered) to let her out of the grocery cart seat or stroller seat in the store at that age, so I had to backtrack and NEVER allow it until she was able to walk safely close by (around 3.5). I brought some toys or a snack or allowed her to hold something she picked out in the store to make it easier to sit in that seat, but didn't let her out. I sympathized with how hard it was to stay in the seat, but didn't let her out.

I think you have to decide what things you are not willing to negotiate on, what things you are, and how much time you will allow... then stick to it, in spite of tantrums or crying. You can make reasonable efforts to make it more comfortable and fun for her, but ultimately there will be some crying, sometimes, and its good to stay serene, confident, and empathic even when she's crying.

Its a hard balancing act, at that age. It gets easier. I don't really think you will be teaching her to be a brat if you do try to make things easier for her. Its better to anticipate what she wants to do ahead of time (look! There's the escalator. Let's go up and down one time, then we will go do X) rather than wait until she's in full tantrum mode before giving in, but occasionally its also okay to say, "I didn't realize how important this is to you. I changed my mind - we can do that a couple times."

[BellinghamCrunchie]

Originally Posted by Aliyahsmommy

I should think my answers over and say yes before no if it is not a big deal to me and then that would avoid the tantrum/crying and me giving in. It is just hard to do that in the moment.

This is what I had to learn to do. Its hard, I agree! I still struggle with it sometimes.

[1littlebit]

i know its frustrating and overwhelming sometimes. i feel you on the tantrums in the stores and stuff. DS was letting the whole grocery store he was not pleased to be there yesterday

[LauraN]

I find it to be really hard to try to think over every answer before giving it. So instead I've decided that my default answer should be yes. Y
Then, if I have to change my mind, we're in a place where we can compromise: we'll go up and down twice then it's time to go home! Or: that was fun! Time to go! Let's march to the car/cash register/bathroom follow me! March, march march! Big steps, big steps, march march march! I play the marching game with my 20 mth old whenever I need him to follow me.

This way, if the answer absolutely has to be no, I'm totally confident n my no and don't need to give in to a tantrum. And since I'm confident I can empathize and hug my way through it while still moving in the direction we need to go.

[sbrinton]

I remember reading a study at some point that said one of the most important skills kids need to learn by the time they are school age is "distress tolerance" - or how to cope when you don't get what you want.

We've all seen toddlers throw a tantrum, but somehow by the we grow up we have to learn how to cope with our emotions well enough to not throw ourselves on the floor kicking and screaming when the grocery store is out of our favorite brand of organic milk. KWIM?

This was helpful for me as a parent because I realized that it was normal for my kiddos to feel really frustrated and that my job as a parent was not to make it all better but instead to help them learn how to deal with their feelings. I'd encourage you to say no to your child sometimes - but to then help her deal with her frustration or sadness.

For example, yesterday we went to my parnets house but only for a few minutes. Our 2 year old was screaming that he wanted to play at grandmas house more. We couldn't stay longer so I didn't give in, but I did empathize with his feelings. I think it can be really helpful to teach little ones to say "I feel angry" or "I feel sad" so they know these emotions are normal and okay - and so they know mommy understands.

With all of this, I don't feel bad or guilty about saying no. It is a VERY IMPORTANT lesson for kids to know how to deal when someone says no.

[:loveher:]

Originally Posted by sbrinton

I remember reading a study at some point that said one of the most important skills kids need to learn by the time they are school age is "distress tolerance" - or how to cope when you don't get what you want.

We've all seen toddlers throw a tantrum, but somehow by the we grow up we have to learn how to cope with our emotions well enough to not throw ourselves on the floor kicking and screaming when the grocery store is out of our favorite brand of organic milk. KWIM?

This was helpful for me as a parent because I realized that it was normal for my kiddos to feel really frustrated and that my job as a parent was not to make it all better but instead to help them learn how to deal with their feelings. I'd encourage you to say no to your child sometimes - but to then help her deal with her frustration or sadness.

For example, yesterday we went to my parnets house but only for a few minutes. Our 2 year old was screaming that he wanted to play at grandmas house more. We couldn't stay longer so I didn't give in, but I did empathize with his feelings. I think it can be really helpful to teach little ones to say "I feel angry" or "I feel sad" so they know these emotions are normal and okay - and so they know mommy understands.

With all of this, I don't feel bad or guilty about saying no. It is a VERY IMPORTANT lesson for kids to know how to deal when someone says no.

I couldn't agree more. Well said!

BUT, to you mama...I am in your same boat and feel the pain that it gives me when I say no and DD gets so upset with me.

[BetsyNY]

I disagree with saying no to build "distress tolerance."

There are opportunities a-plenty for disappointment and frustration in life, our children's lives, everyone's lives. SO many. From the kind of sweet and poetic (one night my one son wanted to play with the moon) to the mundane (wanting to play with a friend who is sick or on vacation)--these we can't do anything about. So I don't think you need to worry about saying no "just because."

[LauraN]

Originally Posted by BetsyNY

I disagree with saying no to build "distress tolerance."

There are opportunities a-plenty for disappointment and frustration in life, our children's lives, everyone's lives. SO many. From the kind of sweet and poetic (one night my one son wanted to play with the moon) to the mundane (wanting to play with a friend who is sick or on vacation)--these we can't do anything about. So I don't think you need to worry about saying no "just because."

Well said! We do not need to manufacture frustrations just to teach a lesson. In fact, I'd encourage you to really consider that probably when you're thinking, "She must learn this or she'll never be normal," that *that* is a good time to let go of whatever it is and give in. We don't really have to teach our kids how to behave. They learn that from watching us. Our job is to see the needs behind the behavior and meet those. Cooperation, patience, good morals, and all the rest of our list of musts for our kids come with maturity and from observing their role models.