You Do It...

[onlyAngil]

Mr. Monster (currently 3yo) and I are having a problems. Well more I am having a problem with how it is we are interacting... I am just about 100% sure he dose not have the mental state as of yet to understand that concept. This morning was a perfect example:

(After Breakfast: Having hardly been able to get him to clean his place, and him stating he dose not want to help with dishes. He goes over to this sewing which he made a huge knot out of, and refused to work on last night, or let anyone else work on. He is in the play/living-room right next to the kitchen.)

I can’t, I can’t! I want you to do it.
“Mr. M, I really would like you to keep trying.”
I want you to do it! (Crying, Screaming) I CAN’T! I want you todo it, you do it. I want you to do ALL BY YOUR SELF! (stops crying) Okay?, (Whining) OKAAAAAAAAAAAAY!!!!!?
"Mr. M, I am trying to put breakfast away, please keep trying and I will help you when I am done here, or you could come and help me."
Here! Here, Mai~Mai, I don’t wanna do it. (Not getting up but lunging sewing at me) I want you to do it all by yourself. Oaky Ma~Mai… Okay!? (Pause.) I want to look at this book (Leaving sewing on floor, picking up book.)
"Okay... Mr. M if you want to work on it latter that is fine, but please put away your sewing" (Me holding book for him)
NO!
"Mr. M please put your sewing away first, then you can look at the book! ( ) Any book you like."
Mai~Mai do it! (Picking sewing up and walking over to shelf throwing sewing on it.) Mai~ Mai put it away!
(I pick up the basket)"Mr. M, please put the sewing in the basket so you can work on it latter, and then you can get back to that book you like."

It goes on like this from book> to wanting to take a picture (with my cam and refusing to get his own)> balloon (or at lest asking for one since I have to blow it up, and am with my hands in hot soapy water, and he will not wait for me to, stop, dry, get said balloon)> bothering his sister by sitting on her toys> pull out things (air pump, and a few other things that escape me now) that dose not belong to him, and asking about 50 (Yes, I counted.) times what one dose with it and spite me telling him in more then one way not stopping or putting it back till I did it.

This is what I am seeing:

1) Not working on any one things for more then 2 mins
2) Him not wanting to clean up AT ALL
3) Me having to be glued to his side to do things (not just becuse he wants it that way but because my house can not with stand his wrath), and him not wanting to do things with me (washing, cleaning, folding, ect.)
4) Having him act out, hitting, kicking, screaming, whining, etc. when he dose not get his way.

Help... Please. I only own so much Head-On, and I cannot take a nap ever 20 mins to recover from him. By the end of the day I am the wicked witch of the west (and trust me that is me being nice to myself)! I try very hard, but am at the end of my wits (and very unsure where to buy more).

Ideas?

[mum21andtwins]

hang on I must be misunderstandingg you want him to help with the dishes?

really he is 3 he's not a monster he is 3 I think your expectations are to high.

[crowcaw]

I'm pretty sure I'm not really qualified to offer advice on here but when my 3 yo starts adamantly refusing to help do things and insisting in a very 3 yo way that I help her do things she's capable of on her own it usually means that I've been getting impatient, rushing her, and demanding too much. If I slow down and remind myself I need to respond to her needs as well as help her respond to me things get back to normal and I have my insistent helper and strongly independent little girl back.

All the things you list (getting things out that aren't his, asking 50 times about something that you've explained already, being insistent that you help him NOW) are really normal I think, frustrating but normal. I try to model patience (not always successful) but I think it's the only way they'll learn it.

[MammaV]

Hugs momma!
How about, Let's do it together? Then reinforce how nice it is to work together and how he can feel good about completing a task. How you appreciate his patience (even when it's unwillingly given) Lot's of focus on the little positives might help him focus on his positive behaviors too. Does he need more time to figure the transitions? Would explaining, breakfast is over, mum's next task is cleaning up, would you like to help me or read this book until I'm finished help him?
Sorry I don't really have too many ideas. 3 was a hard age for DS #2. He spent a lot of time frustrated dealing with his emotions. I had to relearn patience...lol

[Ruthla]

Maybe, instead of telling him what you want to do "Mr. M, I am trying to put breakfast away, please keep trying and I will help you when I am done here, or you could come and help me." try telling him what YOU'RE doing.

"I'm washing the dishes right now. You have a choice: you can try doing it by yourself, or you can do something else." Let him decide for himself if he wants to watch you wash dishes, or do the sewing thing by himself, or look at a book by himself, or just sit and have a tantrum. You need to learn how to disengage from his tantrums and NOT take any of it personally. He's acting like a 3yo.

1) Not working on any one things for more then 2 mins
2) Him not wanting to clean up AT ALL
3) Me having to be glued to his side to do things (not just becuse he wants it that way but because my house can not with stand his wrath), and him not wanting to do things with me (washing, cleaning, folding, ect.)
4) Having him act out, hitting, kicking, screaming, whining, etc. when he dose not get his way.

Taking a look at your list of his problems, #s 1. 2, and 4 sound completely normal for a child that age. And #3 is more what YOU're doing than what he's doing. I think you need teach him ways to express anger that don't destroy your house, or just deal with cleaning up afterwards. "I'm sorry honey, I'm cleaning up now. I can read you a book when I'm finished."

It sounds like he just got into a really negative mood yesterday. Did he get enough sleep the night before? Could he be getting sick?

If nothing else, you need to learn how to NOT get sucked into his negativity. When mornings start out like that, it's easy to end up feeding off each other's negativity all day. If you can keep yourself emotionally distant while he's venting/tantrumming, you'll be fresh and ready for him when it blows over, and the cycle gets broken.

[onlyAngil]

Originally Posted by mum21andtwins

hang on I must be misunderstandingg you want him to help with the dishes?

really he is 3 he's not a monster he is 3 I think your expectations are to high.

Yes, I want him to help with the dishes, not as in "Here DO the dishes" as in here stand by me, going though things step by step: Water on, temp (he LOVE getting it the right temp!), here is a dish get it wet, wash, ok now let me get it clean, get it wet again, ok now let me get the soap off, he puts it in the rack... I have pics some where, they are darling. He use to love doing the dishes with me... but wont do it or anything things else with me for months now. It takes like 10 times as long, but it is nice to have him with me doing something, most of the time he is just paying with the water or telling me I missed a spot.

I understand he is three, but he will always be *my* Mr. Monster, not a monster! What else do you call a little boy who goes RAHAHAHAHHAHAH at every little thing (the door, the big blue ball, the stove, etc.) and hides in a closet till you turn the lights off and then runs out to scare you It is a loving term, a term of affection, nothing mean.

Originally Posted by crowcaw

I'm pretty sure I'm not really qualified to offer advice on here but when my 3 yo starts adamantly refusing to help do things and insisting in a very 3 yo way that I help her do things she's capable of on her own it usually means that I've been getting impatient, rushing her, and demanding too much. If I slow down and remind myself I need to respond to her needs as well as help her respond to me things get back to normal and I have my insistent helper and strongly independent little girl back.

All the things you list (getting things out that aren't his, asking 50 times about something that you've explained already, being insistent that you help him NOW) are really normal I think, frustrating but normal. I try to model patience (not always successful) but I think it's the only way they'll learn it.

I am unsure as to how much time I am to give him. Let me make sure I am being clear here, this is only *part* of what happened yesterday morning, a few moments of my whole morning. At that a middle part, after about an hour and a half of going though much of the same (Mind you, that 1.5 hours started after he put his dishes on the counter, his place mat in the laundry, and I started my clean up.) did I start taking notes, and then only for a few mins as it takes away from me being able to be active with him. I try to stay clam, cool, and collected, while addressing his needs, and wants as quickly as I can, but I do need to get things done. I need more dishes to eat lunch off of, I need clean clothes to wear, I need to be able to breath without my head pounding with ever breath.

Originally Posted by MammaV

Hugs momma!
How about, Let's do it together? Then reinforce how nice it is to work together and how he can feel good about completing a task. How you appreciate his patience (even when it's unwillingly given) Lot's of focus on the little positives might help him focus on his positive behaviors too. Does he need more time to figure the transitions? Would explaining, breakfast is over, mum's next task is cleaning up, would you like to help me or read this book until I'm finished help him?
Sorry I don't really have too many ideas. 3 was a hard age for DS #2. He spent a lot of time frustrated dealing with his emotions. I had to relearn patience...lol

*~* huggles back *~* Can I barrow your shoulder to cry too? *~* weak smiles *~* Ty.

Oh, mama think not that I just sit idly without trying all this and more. I try to ask him to help me (with explaining that we are done with our meal, and that the dishes need to be clean so we can use them again, with the food put away in case we, or someone else, wants more later.", but only after I use my verses, and songs in hopes that he will join me "just because". I thank him and offer him smiles, huggles, and now and then ever a "Great Job Done!" but mostly along the lines of "Wow! That was a lot of work, but I enjoyed it much more with your help!..."

When he says no, (after encouraging a "No, thank you.") I offer him a few, like 2 or 3, maybe 4 if they are really really simple, choices as to other things he might like to do. I try to not over whelm him with the choices but let him know there are more choices with a simple "or we can think of something else." or like.

Patience was something I always felt I was "bad" at even when others told me I was a saint. Now I wish it was true, if I where a saint then maybe I could work a "miracle" on him. I understand that he is dealing with new emoitions. I just wish I knew how to help him deal with them better. This is one of the many somethings my parents where not good with.

Originally Posted by Ruthla

Maybe, instead of telling him what you want to do "Mr. M, I am trying to put breakfast away, please keep trying and I will help you when I am done here, or you could come and help me." try telling him what YOU'RE doing.

"I'm washing the dishes right now. You have a choice: you can try doing it by yourself, or you can do something else." Let him decide for himself if he wants to watch you wash dishes, or do the sewing thing by himself, or look at a book by himself, or just sit and have a tantrum. You need to learn how to disengage from his tantrums and NOT take any of it personally. He's acting like a 3yo.

Taking a look at your list of his problems, #s 1. 2, and 4 sound completely normal for a child that age. And #3 is more what YOU're doing than what he's doing. I think you need teach him ways to express anger that don't destroy your house, or just deal with cleaning up afterwards. "I'm sorry honey, I'm cleaning up now. I can read you a book when I'm finished."

It sounds like he just got into a really negative mood yesterday. Did he get enough sleep the night before? Could he be getting sick?

If nothing else, you need to learn how to NOT get sucked into his negativity. When mornings start out like that, it's easy to end up feeding off each other's negativity all day. If you can keep yourself emotionally distant while he's venting/tantrumming, you'll be fresh and ready for him when it blows over, and the cycle gets broken.

I do try telling him what it is I am doing, but I hate repeating myself, spite the fact that I do for him. I am sorrie I did not show that more clearly here. I also understand that he is acting his age, but I am unsure as to how to deal with his age! Help? Really if you have ideas (that I have not yet, or am currently trying) I am willing to give it a go! I mean there *has* to be something that work, even if it is giving it time. Though, I would much rather know I tried *everything* before giving myself up to the notion that time is the only thing that will work. I offer as much support for him though his tantrums as I can with out getting physically hurt, while trying to offer myself the reassurances that its not me, I am not a "bad" parent, but I am a parent and this is part of that.

I understand my problems maybe "normal", but that dose not mean they are not problems, or that I need not try to find a way to "fix" (I use the word loosely) them. I am truly at a loss as to what to do; HOW do I teach him to express his anger? I tell him if he wants to cry, I am here to hold him, though I may not understand what he is saying. I tell him if he wants to yell unendingly he may, outside, or in his room, but it makes my ears and head hurt. I tell him if he wants to hit something he can, the big blue ball or a stuffed an animal, but it hurts other people when he hits them. The list goes on.

It is not just yesterday, its almost EVERYday! I try to make sure he get ample time to sleep, though things get even worse if he takes a nap, even a short one. Bed by 7:30-8, spite him telling he its not dark out, and then I do not wake him less it one of the really odd days he sleeps till like 11. A cold I do not think, at lest he is not showing anything as of yet.

It is not so much his negativity that gets me, more the constant pain in my head, and the great disdain I have for being hit and repeatedly yelled at unnecessarily for no real reason due to past abuse. By this I mean I am all game far a good spar (I use to take karate), or verbal fight when two people need to get a little anger out (with in reason). I know it is mostly his own "inner battle" and that I can do little but offer love, and hope it will get better both though my words and actions, but it dose not seem to be getting better... only worse as time goes on.