Time outs and Reward Charts

[abigail_b]

Hi All,
I have been reading the Dicipline Book by Dr. Sears. My son will be 3 in September and we are just now starting with some dicipline issues. Our main issue is that he defies and challenges every single request that is made of him, which I know is developmentally normal...but also frustrating! Anyway, I will probably do a separate post about that because I haven't found much guidance on that in the book.
However, in the Sears book he does talk about Time Outs -- not to be used as punishment but as a quiet time. He also talks about using reward charts to track good behavior. I believe that both of these practices are considered no-no's in the GD world, and I'm just starting to explore my personal feelings about them. But I am curious as to some varying points of view on this topic. I did a search but I wasn't able to come up with anything because it searched on time and out separately.
Thanks in adavance!

[holothuroidea]

Everyone needs time outs. Time to gather your head when you're upset. Time to work things out before you say something you don't mean. That's what a time out means for me.

It's not so much to train them or alter their behavior, but to help them learn how do deal with their emotions effectively. There are no arbitrary time limits, and things like that. Just, "Why don't you play with this toy by yourself for a little while until you feel better."

I'm also sure it's different for every child. It may work for some and not for others.

[holothuroidea]

Reward charts sound absolutely ridiculous to me. Who has time for that stuff, anyway?

[ann_of_loxley]

Right - I do not agree with either for our personal family use.

Basically - I want my son to do the right thing for the right reason. He is not doing the right thing for the right reason is he is doing the right thing to avoid a punishment or gain a reward for himself. I would feel that I would not be helping him to do the right thing for the right reason if I used either punishments (including time outs) and rewards (including manipulative praise).

I think its easy to underestimate the value of things like a natural childbirth, co sleeping, breastfeeding, using a sling, etc ... they promote attachment and connection to our child - and a lot of these things you can still do even past 'babyhood'. Its the connection thats most important at this age. Its important to look past the behaviour and look at the cause and sometimes its something very basic and sometimes it has to do with a 'faulty' connection so to speak.

'Time-outs' are what I personally consider detachment parenting - because they do the opposite of promote attachment. They seclude and shame your child and often at a very painful emotional cost to both you and the child. They are a punishment. Af if they 'work' - it is because the child is avoiding an unpleasant experience instead of learning to do the right thing for the right reasons.

'Time-ins' are very different. They are not forced and they are a not a punishment. They are a way we can gentle show our children how to calm down and take a break. Even as adults we sometimes take a break for ourselves - chill a bit...calm down. At this age, you might suggest it to your child - would you like to come and sit down for a little with me. There now, we can calm down and breath a bit. Then you can talk about the situation, the feelings, suggetions on what could be done next time, and relate to your child - they need to know that even adults do this, can feel this way and that it is normal - human. Eventually when your child is older they may learn to recognise their feelings and where their feeling are taking them and remove themselves from a sitaution to calm down in their own time. Maybe they will even want to come to you to talk about their feelings (instead of bottling them up).

I feel reward charts are just plain manipulative. When concerning behaviour they teach a child to do the right thing for personal gain. It teaches them how to be selfish and 'whats in it for me' tactics. I am going to be 'good' so I can get my gold star! If they do the right thing, it is for personal gain only = not doing the right thing for the right reason. It is often short lived and often can backfire. It also seems to ignore a few very important things - it fails to be realistic of childrens capabilities for their age. A three year old for example has no impulse control and can not think that far ahead into the future (you know - 5 gold stars = a big treat). It is not something they fully grasp. It can just make for more emotional hurt and power struggles for both parent and child.

More on time outs here (that share my view and explain better why! lol)
Some good stuff here (and any of his books, though I highly recommend you read 'Raising Our Children, Raising Ourselve' - By Naomi Aldort!!!)
And loads here

[holothuroidea]

Originally Posted by ann_of_loxley

'Time-ins' are very different. They are not forced and they are a not a punishment. They are a way we can gentle show our children how to calm down and take a break. Even as adults we sometimes take a break for ourselves - chill a bit...calm down. At this age, you might suggest it to your child - would you like to come and sit down for a little with me. There now, we can calm down and breath a bit. Then you can talk about the situation, the feelings, suggetions on what could be done next time, and relate to your child - they need to know that even adults do this, can feel this way and that it is normal - human. Eventually when your child is older they may learn to recognise their feelings and where their feeling are taking them and remove themselves from a sitaution to calm down in their own time. Maybe they will even want to come to you to talk about their feelings (instead of bottling them up).

Yes. I think I was talking more about "Time-In's"

[MammaV]

I am a chart using parent. They're not necessarily fake reward though. For me, it helps to teach goal setting and reaching. I have one child who loves charts. She thrives on them. She makes her own just for fun. She likes them for reminding her of morning and evening routines and goal setting. When we're working on a behavior, we will use a chart to help remind us of the behavior we're tying to attain. She sets her reward for the goal and tracks when she gets there. She is able to have more self control and is proud of herself for attaining what she set out to by utilizing charts. Charting is a visual way for her to see her own improvement.
I also use charts for myself for housework. I have my weekly list of tasks assigned to a day hanging up in the kitchen and I check off when the task is accomplished. Being a visual person myself, I feel good about seeing all the housework done!
I guess I just want to say that charting is not necessarily bad, it's a tool that can be utilized for some people. I do not use it with my boys because they aren't into charts. They're into racing against the clock and doing things in a silly way or to music.

I also have a son who needs time alone. When he's upset or angry or melting down, he needs to be by himself in a quiet place. I can't time in him because he freaks out even more. His room is his safe place and when he feels better he comes out, then we talk. When he starts having a bad time of it, I remind him to use his room and he does. When he starts feeling bad, he will often take himself to his room and sit quietly on his bed (unless the youngest tries to follow him. He yells at him to leave him alone) and comes out when he's ready to face the world again.
I think the best thing is to find what will work for the temperment of your child. Everyone is different and what works for one, will not necessarily work for another. What seems right to you as a person, may not resound with your child.