Bickering Between Brothers (ages 2 & 4)

[SonomaMom]

Hi Ladies, I need your help in what to do about sibling bickering. My two boys who are 2 & 4 just figured out how 'fun' it is to fight with each other. They start by calling each other potty mouth names and then they start screaming at each other and eventually hit each other if I can't get to them fast enough. Or one of them will bug the other with an annoying sound until the other goes crazy and starts screaming.

I know that this is a normal thing for brothers to go through, but how do I deal with it? Do I referee each and every argument? Or do I just sort of ignore it and provide a positive and loving environment when they do get along?

I've been falling into the latter camp lately because I just can't handle getting into the middle of it all the time. It's exhausting finding out who hit who and who needs to go spend some quiet time alone thinking about it.

Oh and then there are car rides, which they have both found out is a great time to annoy each other. So they scream at each other while I'm driving which is when I usually lose it and yell back.

How can I promote a little more peace between these brothers?

[Grace and Granola]

I have two boys also, ages 2 and almost 4. I have been dealing with this for about 6 months to the point where I felt like I was not a good mom, we were never going to get through this, they're going to hate each other! Somewhere on MDC I found a recommendation for a book called, "Mom, Jason's Breathing on Me!" The title alone made me want to read it! And I have to tell you that I get alot of parenting books from the library, and this is the first one I've finished! It was so appropriate and helpful that I couldn't stop reading it. The author says that he applied his principles starting when his kids were 2 and 4. And he basically just writes out example after example and drills home the point, Do not get involved. Of course, if there's potential for harm, then get involved, but you don't want to pick sides or referee every single interaction. This is not to say, let your children run amock!

I'll see if I can sum it up, maybe to give you some immediate relief: Figure out what your tolerance level is, for some, it's bickering, for some it's shouting, or hitting, or punching! So, if your tolerance level is shouting, then you stay out if it, but as soon as the bickering gets to shouting, you go to your two angels and say, "Ok the two of you, that's enough." And then you promptly separate them. Because ultimately they do not want to be separated. Over time, your boys will learn...ok, we can bicker, but if we want to stay together then we can't shout! This will take time! Always address them as a pair, so no one is blamed or made responsible. Also, you don't need to find out who hit who. If one comes to you and says, Brother hit me! Then you say, oh that must have hurt, would you like a hug? The offender will not like that you are now giving the victim all your attention, and eventually they will (hopefully) hit less! In the car, the author writes, that again, when you reach your tolerance level, you can do something like stop the car and very calmly say...we are not moving until the shouting stops. And that's all you say and calmly wait. (That one seems hard to me!)

My husband and I each have one sibling a great deal younger than us, so we have no idea how sibling interactions are supposed to work, and in turn neither of us are good at communicating through confrontation. I cannot recommend this book enough. It teaches you how to deal with your bickering siblings in a way that will help them grow into productive adults. Adults bicker, and the sibling bickering can actually prove as a training ground for your kids to learn how to stick up for themselves, share on their own terms, work things out. I'll stop going on now! Best of luck with your little ones!

[SonomaMom]

Thanks SO much Heather! I'm definitely going to get that book. I need all the help I can get. Thanks for summing it up too. That method really makes sense, I like picking a tolerance level...The car advice might be tricky to execute especially since yesterdays fighting happened while I was on a freeway -hard to stop there! I did find that turning up the music really loud gave them something else to focus on and the drive was much more peaceful after that (well after I turned the music back down).

My sister is also much younger than me (10 years younger) so I have no experience with this either. But I've also noticed that this has hindered me as an adult - I have had a harder time working problems out with people just because I don't have much practice. Part of the reason I wanted to have my kids close together in age is that I wanted them to have better interpersonal skills. However allowing them to learn all this is making me batty!

[Grace and Granola]

You are SO welcome! I really hope it helps. I struggle every day with this. It is hard for me to stay out of it, because I don't like to hear my babies talking "meanly" to each other, but as you'll read in the book, it's going to be OK. It actually turns out to be easier on me, now that I know I do not have to control every interaction between the two of them. Feel free to PM me anytime to talk about this. I'd love to hear how things are going with you and what's working or not. It's something we'll both be going through for a very long time!

[just_lily]

Oooh, this is some good advice. I only have one child, but two of the kids in my home daycare do this all. day. long. They are both 2, which is a hard age any time, and I have to listen to squabbles continuously. It is like they want to play together, but just can't figure out how to make it work. I seperated them twice this morning, and they weren't very happy about that - hopefully some consistancy on my part will help.

My limit is when they start getting physical with each other (snatching toys, pushing, etc.) or excessive tattling. I hear a lot of she's touching that, he's blocking this, I'm having that, no me, etc. etc. It is seriously starting to make me crazy.

They aren't siblings, but they spend about 45 hours a week together, so they have a very sibling-ish relationship.

[jennydecki]

Mine are girls, but we are experiencing the exact. same. thing. They are 3 & 4 (since I'm Irish can I call them Irish twins without being offensive? I don't know how that works...)

I get a kid coming into my office and YOWLING at me every ten minutes, "Sister called me a llama!" Me: "Why are you crying about that?" Her: "I'm an Abby, NOT a llama!" Me: Then tell your sister that, I know who you are.

It sounds a little unkind when I write it down, but I say it nicely. But they are constantly fighting over toys, bickering over rules of a made-up game they're playing, pushing and hitting (I only put someone in time out when there's a red mark, which is rare.)

So, I guess this is mostly a, "You are not alone!!" post But you aren't. I swear it's like the Discovery Channel in here sometimes, animals sprinting through the wilderness and then play-attacking one another. LOL

[momma_unlimited]

Awesome advice Heather. I have boys 2 & 4 and I'm going to check out that book too!

What if my tolerance level is... "playing nicely"?

[Grace and Granola]

Originally Posted by momma_unlimited

Awesome advice Heather. I have boys 2 & 4 and I'm going to check out that book too!

What if my tolerance level is... "playing nicely"?

I'm not sure you can expect playing nicely 100% of the time. Imagine if you were with your best friend on a month long vacation, all day every day....I'd be sick of mine from time to time! And like I mentioned, it's good for our kids to learn to compromise, talk it out, worth through confrontation. And when they're so little, it's going to involve some bickering and shouting every now and then.

I have only been at this a few weeks, but I am seeing a huge difference when I apply the principles to tattling.

DS: Mommy, he took my car!
Me: Oh, no...I bet that made you sad, would you like a hug?"
DS: Yes. (and he runs off to find a different toy)

END OF STORY! No drama, no back and forth... but he did this and he did that, blah blah blah......At first, I felt like I wasn't resolving the issue, but the other ds sees and hears my interaction and gets that what he did was hurtful. It's working very well.

[momma_unlimited]

II'm sure I'd be thrilled even if I could reduce squabbling by half... =) So happy for you that you're having these good results!

[SonomaMom]

Thanks for all the comments ladies. This past weekend, even knowing that others are going through this made me a little more zen. We did use Heather's tips and it did help, but the true test will come Tuesday and Wednesday when I am home with both them all day long by myself.

Serenity now! Serenity now!

p.s. I love the 'she called me a llama!' quote. Too funny, that's exactly what happens here too.

[Grace and Granola]

Let us know how your day alone goes! Sending the serenity vibes your way....Good luck!

[heartmama]

You can't expect them to get along all the time BUT I firmly believe that it is vital to have clear limits on what lines cannot be crossed in your family, and those must be consistently enforced. I only have one child--but I was the middle of three growing up and I wish my parents had enforced this among us. A lot of cruel behavior was tolerated. It makes me sad in hindsight.

I do know families with closely spaced siblings who mostly treat each other respectfully and it is because the parents have clear expectations for how you treat a sibling and the children are constantly helped to meet those expectations. If someone is crossing a line it is taken seriously and the situation is worked on until it improves.

[LaLaLaLa]

My DD is almost 5 and DS is 3, and we are also dealing with near-constant bickering. In our household, DD is more verbal so she often starts a fight, saying something unpleasant to her brother. He argues, she argues back, he hits her, and then she runs to me crying that he hurt her.

DH used to then blame DS for the whole problem, until I pointed out that DD taunts him to the point that he resorts to violence. Neither one is innocent in this. Drives me CRAZY.

Anyway, when the bickering starts or when one of them comes to me shouting about how the other one did this and that, I now tell them that they need to work it out. If they can't work it out, then I'm going to have to separate them and, if applicable, take away whatever they are fighting about.

"Work it out" has been great for my kids, especially my bossy DD who is learning how to make compromises to keep her brother from continuing to scream about something.

If DD has been hit (or pushed or whatever) by DS, I will often tell her that instead of screaming, she needs to figure out how to keep herself safe. If she and DS are having an argument that is escalating, her best bet would be to move herself out of the room. If he's already hit her, and especially if I think it was the result of her taunting him, I will usually suggest she go in her bedroom and close and lock the door, so she will able to play safely. She is much more okay with this than she would be if I called it a "time-out" and tried to force her to go by herself somewhere until everyone cooled down.

In the car, I can't stand the endless "she's making a noise that's bothering me!" fights. When the kids start to fight, I start inching up the volume on my music. Eventually they notice and tell me it's TOO loud. I tell them that I want to hear my music and I can't hear it when they are fighting, so I have to turn my music up. Often, but not always, they stop. A variation on this is if we've been listening to their music in the car. The second they start fighting, their music is off and my music is on. They get the point much more quickly and behave much better if I'll let them have their music. There's just only so much Trout Fishing and Billy Jonas I can tolerate, though.

Good luck; my brother and I (19 months apart) bickered right up until he left for college. Yet somehow I thought my kids would be so delighted to be so close in age.....

[BonMaman]

My lads are also 2 & 4 and they're bickering now, too. :| I don't want to get sucked in and take sides, but I feel they still need constant supervision and modeling of respectful treatment of each other. When one is using unkind words toward the other, I usually intervene and ask them either to restate things respectfully or suggest alternative activities to get them interested in something other than the bickering. This is not to say I'm always successful, but we keep working at it...