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She is pregnant

post #1 of 65
6/10/09 at 7:17pm
Thread Starter 
Oh, man .. Ok this is probably not really the place for this, but I don’t know where to put it. She is pregnant again… my dd. She is 20 now. She got pregnant when she was 16 and now her ds is 3 ½ . She is doing well, as a mother, but is still lagging in many areas and certainly not “taking care of herself” yet. DH and I support them completely financially and we care for our grandson a lot of the time. I don’t mind this arrangement but I don’t think she is ready for another child. I was so hoping she would finish school and start doing something to start becoming self sufficient. She needs to know that she can take care of herself and her child; she needs that for her self esteem. She can barley handle her son all day how is she going to be with 2? Sigh … I am rambling, I am sorry I am just so worried... Now what?

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post #2 of 65
6/10/09 at 8:52pm
Thread Starter 
Ah, somebody say something “holy cr@p” or “it’s her life” or something
post #3 of 65
6/10/09 at 8:55pm
All I can send are hugs. I got pregnant with my first at 16, and was lucky enough to have parents who helped me out until I got my stuff together at 19. So there is hope!

post #4 of 65
6/10/09 at 8:59pm
Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.
post #5 of 65
6/10/09 at 8:59pm
Thread Starter 
thanks, how many kids do you have? how long before you got pregers again? I just thought that it would be the two of them for a while ... until she was at least on her feet ya know?
post #6 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:00pm
Thread Starter 
Quote:
Originally Posted by boobybunny View Post
Oh Cherie...

Hugs, just hugs.
thanks at least this time its not with Him ... who knows if this one is any better though???
post #7 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:02pm
"Holy crap" and "it's her life".

It is also a blessing - albeit a stressful one.

Congrats to both of you and wishing you both strength, wisdom and peace.

Kathy
post #8 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:03pm
she's lucky to have you. not everybody would do what you do for her and not everybody would keep doing it when she got pg again. i know this can't be easy. if it were my kid i would want to clobber her. and then make sure she was using some kind of birth control. how does she feel about it? she better get you good mothers day presents

i know if i got pg again my mom would clobber me. although according to my little brother she told him she thinks its only a matter of time. i would flee the country before telling her i was pg again

it really will be ok. but you already know that so how did she tell you? my dad says he will never feel the same way about red robin b/c thats where we were eating when i told him
post #9 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:08pm
I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.
post #10 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:14pm
Holy Crap!LOL

It's her life, let her live it...but don't enable her. She's taking advantage of you at this point, getting pregnant again. When you're not supporting yourself, how can you justify getting pregnant again without even consulting the person supporting you and your child? Did she mention trying for another one? You really need to let her "live her life" and let her feel her decisions.

One child, I can see helping my daughter get herself together and help out...the 2nd one?....ok, now you're just using me.
post #11 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:18pm
Quote:
Originally Posted by Medusa View Post
I couldn't read and not reply. What a rough situation. I think it would be entirely appropriate for you to set some rules in return for your continued support. One being that she continue her education (online if need be), and that she seeks counsiling to help her deal with self esteem issues. A good therapist can help her create a life plan that works and feels acheivible to her.

What a wonderful parent you are for standing by her and supporting her though this.
:

She needs to step up and be a parent. I wonder a little that maybe because you have been taking care of so much for her she has no reason to be the adult she is.

When I got pregnant at 17 my mom offered her limited support but made it clear that I was the Mama and I needed to act like it. I am very grateful for her support but also because she pushed me and my boyfriend (now DH) to grow up and take responsibility.

Where is the father, of both the older child and this one? Is she getting child support?
post #12 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:37pm
o i just read that it was with another guy. well.. like you said.. at least its not the same guy. hopefully this one is better.

i might consider setting some ground rules. she understands what it means to be a mother and she is pg again. i would assume that she is prepared to take responsibility for her decisions. including financial responsibility for the baby and for any non necessity for herself (friends time and such.)
post #13 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:45pm
i agree that she is now taking advantage. obviously you aren't going to kick her out on her a$$ but i would start expecting her to support herself and the littles. she needs to take responsibility for her choices.

these are the things to immediately come to mind

is she going to BF? if not she should buy the formula herself.
is she going to school and doing well? if not she needs to get a job.. she might want to get one anyway
she should be paying for any social activities she does.
she should also be another adult in the household. do her own and her kids' laundry. help with house work etc. i might make her pay rent if it were me.. not a lot . but something.
i imagine you or your dh watch the littles while she does school or work but i would consider charging her for babysitting anytime she wants to go out with friends or something.

obviously just suggestions some may work for you guys and some may not.. but i wanted to give some examples instead of just saying she should be responsible.

o and more

tell her to get on here and post... we give great advice
post #14 of 65
6/10/09 at 9:52pm
I couldn't read and not reply! My thoughts are with your family!
post #15 of 65
6/10/09 at 10:00pm
First time accident - but second time?? I'd be mad and heartbroken.

Was she using birth control?

Is she in school or working or both?

Is the baby's father going to be involved and pay child support? Are they together?

I'm sorry you are in this situation...
post #16 of 65
6/10/09 at 10:02pm
i would encourage her (or possibly require her) to pursue child support.
post #17 of 65
6/10/09 at 10:32pm
Thread Starter 
oh lots of questions this is going to be a little harder now that im home and posting from my phone...
thanks kathy, its a little hard just yet to take in the blessing but i know its there.

she told me last night by saying she needed a dr appointment.. she said "not that kind" and pointed to her belly. i tried not to over react but asked her if she planned to keep it and she smiled and nodded yes. i am not sure what all she is feeling about it we have not had a chance to talk about it today yet, she doesn't want to tell anybody yet.

her body was not doing well on the bc she was taking so she had stopped, but she wasn't having sex (obviously she started having some but what the hell ever happend to condoms??)

i do feel like she is starting to take advantage but i don't think she is really aware. she does work in the house and takes care of her and ds laundry and such, but we are drowning financially and don't know how we are going to handle this.
to be continued...
post #18 of 65
6/10/09 at 10:35pm
more i think it is reasonable to expect her to work and contribute financially. it will still cost her less then if she is out on her own so its a good way for her to get started.
post #19 of 65
6/10/09 at 11:08pm
Is she on your health insurance since she's still a student?

I would be freaking out too if it were my dd. (hugs)

I think this is pretty common though once a teenage mom, girls do tend to have a second baby. I was reading People magazine the other day (Yeah I know not exactly scholarly reviewed, lol, but it was the Bristol Palin one and it said about the rarity that it is that girls complete high school once they've been pregnant and even fewer (like less than 5%) get a bachelors degree by the time they are 30.

Had my first dd at 18 and the 2nd 2 years later but it was just dh and I. We didn't expect my mom to help out. I did complete school though...my dad insisted. He didn't really help--he was a huge nag is all. LOL.

I really hope you will do what you can to help her get some training or education to support her self and kids. Maybe her doc can suggest some other forms of bc since she didn't tolerate it well.
post #20 of 65
6/10/09 at 11:11pm
she might look into nuva ring. it is local hormones and you don't have to take it daily.. just put it in leave it for 3 weeks and take it out. then put a new one in at the end of the week... repeat.

i know IUDs have their downsides but i think you can get one that doesn't have hormones. it seems like it would be reasonable to assume she is having sex or going to have sex.

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