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She is pregnant - Page 2

post #21 of 65
Thread Starter 
so as far as the dads go her sons dad proved to be incredibly irresponsible and has gone to live with his mother 100 miles away. she went there with him to try to make it work but returned a couple months ago. he or his family have not even called since she's been back. this new guy i am not super crazy about either, no job, also quite immature. oh and he was the first guys best friend... nice huh? so yea no support financially.. yet anyway.

these two have just been sort of "seeing" each other so no i doubt she was trying to get pregnant.

she does want to get a job but has had a hard time finding one with no experience and no ged. recently she started working on getting her ged but has not followed up with the workshops. she wants to go to massage school.

in the past i have gone a little easy on her because she has come close to major mental/emotional meltdown and i worry about her stability. less now though that the other guy is out of her life. she hasn't had a meltdown since he left.
post #22 of 65
to you.
post #23 of 65
oy. poor thing. it sounds like she is having a hard time. and maybe some space from the not quite men in her life. it was good of her to go there and try to make it work though. i imagine you gritted your teeth through the whole thing. DP and I are in love and happy and a family and it took my mother a long time to be ok with that. if DP was immature, uninvolved, and made me unhappy she would be having a nervous break down right about now.

she'll be ok... some of us just take a little longer to get it together
post #24 of 65
Thread Starter 
you don't even know, it was sooooooo hard. but i think she really needed some time in the snake pit so to speak to see that was not the life she wanted for herself or her son. i can't tell you how many times dh and i almost went and grabbed that baby.
post #25 of 65
ugh it must have been hard not to. the only thing worse then knowing your baby is with people who are not good for her is knowing that she is there with her baby. my mother now worries in several different dimensions... its really quite extraordinary. i can appreciate it more now that i am a mom though.

hopefully spending that time with his family will give her an idea of what she doesn't want in life. does he know about the second baby? when you said they were best friends i cringed b/c they could make her life very hard. it makes me want to hug her.. she must be going through a lot right now. i really feel for her. its just a rough situation.
post #26 of 65


You've already gotten a lot of good advice.

You might want to talk to her about her birth contol choices, her choices in men and what kind of life she wants for herself and her babies who are depending on her.

Fun and games time is over. She will have two little ones depending on her and her judgement.

I don't mean to sound harsh.

She has little people she is responsible for now, though.

I really don't mean to sound harsh.
post #27 of 65
to you. I can only imagine how tough this is for you. This is your DD and you want the best for her. You also sound like a wonderful grandmother as well. Your DD is lucky to have someone like you in her life.

OTOH, she is 20 years old and and adult, so you probably need to loosen the reigns a bit. I bet your DD isn't paying for daycare, an apartment, bills and a car is she? If she isn't truly taking care of herself then she doesn't have the reality of it all yet. If you do too much 'for' her and her 3 yr old child, then it makes it much easier for her to expect you to do it for this child as well. When will she ever learn? She will never learn true responsibility without getting out there on her own and making mistakes and doing it all by herself. She has responsibilities and needs to work hard to care for these children by herself as much as possible.

I don't mean to sound down on you and I'm really not trying to be. I think you sound like a great person. You are so concerned. I have 3 neices that all had their first children very young and aren't married. One of those neices is currently expecting her second child around the same time as I expect my baby to arrive this year. She is with a different guy, he treats her like crap and will likely leave her. He has kids with 3 other women. She is already 26 years old so she knows better at this point BUT her parents and grandparents do everything for her and don't push her out there to take care of herself and her current child so she doens't know any better.

Is it possible for you to discuss a type of birth control for your DD once she has this second child?
post #28 of 65
I just wanted to say that I think my mother could've written your OP about me 11 yrs ago. I will share my story and hope it gives you some advice on what to do and hope that it will get better.

I became pregnant at 17yo (I am 29yo now), boyfriend left, ordered child support, but he has never paid (can't keep a job). Lived with my mom, dropped out of school. My mom said I had to get my GED and start college (or some sort of avenue to support myself and my son) if I wanted to live with her. She was absolutely IN LOVE with my son, but played tough love with me. Refused to change diapers, or baby-sit while I went out... It was my son and that was that. She played and loved on him when we were home.

I was very hung up on how I had ruined my son's and my life and thought I HAD to FIX it. So, when ds was 14mo I met a man who seemed nice and decided he was my way out. He was the way I could make all things better. My mom told me she didn't think he was "the one," but I refused to listen. He had his own apt and was almost 10yo older than I. I quickly moved in with him and played house. I wanted to show my mom that I was "responsible."

Well, about 4mths later.......ooops pregnant again. I was 19yo. Seriously, I was just too young, irresponsible, and lazy to handle birth control. I never took it regularly and thought it wouldn't happen again, right? Needless to say, telling my mom I was pregnant again was horrible. She couldn't believe I'd scew up twice. Like a pp said. First time. …accident. Second time....you should know better. Well, whatever the learning curve was for me it had happened and there I was.

About a week before I found out I was pregnant with ds#2, I had decided to brake up with my bf. I knew he wasn't "the one" (just like my mama said.) Then, I found out I was pregnant and just could not go back home with two babies from two different men. So, I decided to get married and fix my mistake. I was 3mths pregnant and we got married. Two weeks later, I woke up to him urinating in the corner of our bedroom (he was an alcoholic) and left to return humbly to my mama's house. I knew marrying him was NOT the way to fix everything. We divorced. He never saw or wanted our pregnancy/baby. I am pro-life, but abortion ran through my mind. The option of adoption was there the entire pregnancy. I just wanted to run and hide out of embarrassment because I had done this now twice. My mom was so disappointed in me, but loved me through it. All along she continued to encourage me to stay in college even if it was one class at a time.

At about 6mths pregnant I rededicated my life to the Lord and realized I sucked at choosing men and accepted being a single mom until God brought the right man to me, whenever that may be. I chose to not date.

Three years later and still in college, I met an amazing man. I told him from the get go that I was not having sex until I was married. He thought that was funny since I already had 2 kids (he's a riot). I knew that he was "the one" from the moment we met. He loved the Lord, me, and just was natural with my boys. We got married 6months later. Waiting to have sex on my wedding night, with the man that I love, was the most incredible thing I have ever done. We have been happily married for almost 8yrs now and I sometimes still can't believe that it all came together the way it did. At times it had seemed so gloomy. He adopted my sons and we now are pregnant with our third baby. So, all together we'll have 5! I did graduate from college.with my BS in ECE after struggling though for 6 years along with my mama's foot in my buttocks non-stop.

Neither of my son's biological father's have ever been active in there lives. I am grateful for that because it has aloud us to be a family. My son's know my history. We are a very open family and talk about everything. It is what it is and there's no hiding it. I truly hope that they will learn from it and make better choices than I did.

As for my mom, her tough love was the key. She never took over parenting for me. I am sure she wanted to rescue my son from my choices, especially when I moved in with the second guy. She didn't. I know it was hard to watch me struggle and fail, but I think I needed to do that in order to find my way. She couldn't hold my hand. She aloud me to live in her home, but under very strict rules (that I hated at the time). Some of her rules were: in-college full time (if I wasn't working), I had to find my own childcare (she did help pay along with student loans), but it was my responsibility to care for my sons in all aspects. She never changed a diaper or got up in the middle of the night. She simply provided me food, shelter, and love so that I had the opportunity to stop digging and climb the ladder to success.

I know you are heart broken and probably feel like you have failed yourself. (My mom told me years later that was how she felt.) I would give your dd guidance and rules that will help her be successful if she chooses to live in your home. I would not enable her to continue making bad choices. Love her, pray for her, and know that it will all work out.

My sons are 11 and 9 now and they are truly the best things that have ever happened to me. They changed my life.

Hope my story helps you.
post #29 of 65
Ugh. So hard.

Where is that line between helping and enabling?
Between support and sending the message that she needs help and can't do it on her own.

My own are to young for this particular problem but I am sending vibes of strength your way. It is an added difficulty that her decisions affect small children, not just herself.
post #30 of 65
I just have to pipe in here. I've gotten pregnant on two different pills, the nuva ring, and a condom. I did everything right. Took them at the same time, with no adverse meds, with the same breakfast everyday. It's not normal, and maybe isn't what happened here, but it happened to me.
post #31 of 65
Thread Starter 
I appreciate the input here, I really do. I understand people perceiving what I do for her as enabling and over providing. I feel like I have done what I needed to do to protect her emotional state. Maybe I am right, maybe I am wrong. At this point I feel she is stronger. I was feeling a little blindsided yesterday and was looking to find my bearing. I am still looking for it .. but feel I am getting closer. I am grateful to be able to come here and talk about this as I have been sworn to secrecy at the moment and need to talk to somebody! Lol

Yes she is on my insurance but is no longer a student.. do I have to report that to them? She will qualify for the state Medicaid now because she is pregnant. Even thought the birth control is an issue that wont be visited for a few months the thing of it is that you can lead a horse to hormones but you cant make her drink them … as much as I would have liked to protected her in this area, there is nothing more that I as a separate person could have done.

I appreciate your story slingmama. I am so glad things have worked out so well, it gives me hope. My dd was 16 years old when she delivered her son. She did need a bit more support. I watched my own mother run from her responsibilities her entire life in my opinion because she had too much too soon. I did not want that to happen to my dd. I have tried to give her time to be alone, reflect and just have some space … a commodity all of us here know is an extreme rarity with a little baby. It was my belief that she needed that to continue to remain sane. It is my hope that the absence of pressure from me to “be responsible” will allow her to do it on her own at the pace that is natural for her (kind of like potty training lol ) I don’t want her to run off and get married because she thinks that is her only choice you know?

1littlebit, thank you so much for your support … I know this whole best friends thing is really messy. I don’t even know who knows what yet. I don’t even know if she has told the guy… they spent some time together last night so I have to assume she has talked to him. I still have not had a follow up conversation with her. It’s so hard for her to share with me. It’s like pulling teeth to get info from her and I don’t want to pull teeth.. you know? I have a feeling the pregnant hormones are filling her with endorphins and its clouding her judgment.

I have faith that the universe leads us where we need to be, I just keep trying to take deep breaths and have some faith that this is the path we are all supposed to be on at this time. It just does not fit very well with my plans dammit
post #32 of 65
Thread Starter 
I have been reading the "rude comments" thread in the "expecting in Jan 2010" section ... now I feel so bad ...
I talked to her today. she is very excited about this baby... even though she is worried and stressed she is ready to have another baby ... I guess its time for me to switch gears .. deep breaths..
post #33 of 65
wow. i know she said she is ready.... but really she is ready as long as you continue to help take care of the babies and financially support all three of them. she needs to start learning to support herself before she is ready for a third. i don't say that to be harsh its just that its easy to get comfortable and take advantage...she probably doesn't even realize.

of course you should be happy and supportive and enjoy your new grandchild though! it is exciting and wonderful either way... sometimes its also frustrating and upsetting at that same time!

i really would have her take full financial responsibility for this baby since she is ready for another one. this is what my parents told me would happen if i get pg again. right now they still help us out a bit financially and they said that if i get pg again it must be because i can afford to do so
post #34 of 65
I had 2 by 20. I did live with my parents until the youngest was 6 or so months but I did get out on my own and while I struggled as a single parent for a while, I've done fine
post #35 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
I have been reading the "rude comments" thread in the "expecting in Jan 2010"
its a little different. i understood that when i got pg and i am sure she does too. you can be happy and excited... while understanding that the situation isn't a great one ya know? i mean unless she got pg intentionally... and then its harder b/c she is happy and wants everyone to be... and you may be more upset then if it had been an accident.
post #36 of 65
Thread Starter 
she does not want to tell her dad yet (because he has a big mouth.. and he does) but it is driving me crazy not being able to talk to him about it...
post #37 of 65
Quote:
Originally Posted by Cherie2 View Post
she does not want to tell her dad yet (because he has a big mouth.. and he does) but it is driving me crazy not being able to talk to him about it...
i told my dad and we had to wait until my mom got home from vacation to tell her. boy was she mad! and he told her for me.. while i was driving to their house.

i don't know how she is going to keep that a secret.. or how you are. thats rough. i guess she wants to wait to tell him until she feels comfortable with other people knowing. thats understandable.. depending on when she wants to tell people will your dh be ok with it that you didn't tell him?
post #38 of 65
Thread Starter 
he'll be fine.. i mean he'll be miffed, but its his own fault he has such a big mouth... lol
post #39 of 65
haha. my mom is like that too. she emailed the whole family.
post #40 of 65
One way you could help your dd become more independant, in charge fo her own life & take some of the financial weight off of you & dh & show her you are supporting her(and believing she can do this) is to take her down & get CS orders in place for her 3.5 yo. If nothing has been paid they could go after back support too. It may not guarantee anything is paid(or right away) but it's a start.
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