She is pregnant - Page 3

[Cherie2]

We had some good talks yesterday... I shared my feelings about too much being expected of me. She shared with me her readiness to take this on and realizes what that will entail (well that is what she says... I can guess it will be more than she imagines.. but whatever). She told her dad. So here we are ... I guess its time to start getting excited about a new baby!

[1littlebit]

yay! congratulations! and good for her for being excited and being ready to this. IMO that is the best way to start anything keep the lines of communication open, you shouldn't have to feel stretched to limit or taken for granted. she may be your daughter but shes a mama too.. you can be honest with her. i might set some ground rules for what she can do to ease the financial burden.. as well as take on mothering her new little one! i think having expectations that you decided on together written down and clear as day will really help her have something to aim for. to both of you

[bumblebeeskies]

This is a really tough time (economy-wise) to start trying to make it on your own. I have a friend who is in a similar situation, but the difference being she has four kids. She and her kids are always stuck at whatever house will allow her to stay for a while. She tried to do the responsible thing by getting a job, and social services took away so many of her benefits that it didn't make it worth working. (although she stuck to it, but later got laid off)

I really hate lying, but after seeing so many people in this situation, my best advice would be to write a short note saying you and dh charge dd X amount to live there and that she provides for her own food. By doing this, she can get medicaid for both kids, food stamps, and help with child care so she can go to school. The bonus, would be that social services has really ramped up on child support collection, for anyone that applies for benefits. Hopefully, her two X's work.

[AAK]

Don't forget about WIC--she doesn't need to report your income, only hers.

Also, I don't know if she is interested or not, but CAPA (Childbirth and Parenting Alone) is a Catholic charity that matches birth moms with doulas to provide support and to help them stand on their own two feet. This is a different type of doula than what we normally read about on Mothering. It doesn't matter if she is Catholic or not (and they don't try to convert anyone!). Also, it doesn't matter if she is living at home, on her own, or what--just that she is a "single mom". A friend got help from CAPA and it was such a blessing for her. She just got married last year and CAPA even helped her 5 year old with the transition.

Amy

[mommy68]

I'm coming in a little late on this.

Originally Posted by bumblebeeskies

This is a really tough time (economy-wise) to start trying to make it on your own. I have a friend who is in a similar situation, but the difference being she has four kids. She and her kids are always stuck at whatever house will allow her to stay for a while. She tried to do the responsible thing by getting a job, and social services took away so many of her benefits that it didn't make it worth working. (although she stuck to it, but later got laid off)

I can see where someone might hit hard times. But a lot of young people have babies because they aren't old enough to truly understand what it means to take care of a child. They know mom and dad have done it for them all along and they depend on their parents to keep doing it for their own children. I've seen it so many times in my last 24 years of being an adult.

OT I guess, but I know of a 25 year old on with two kids and divorced. She has been in college for quite some time, focusing on herself, friends and dating and her kids are shuffled between her, her parents, her ex's family and her ex and so on. It's not good for the children. This girl has no job, lives in a relative's basement and continues to live her life as if she is still 18 with no responsibilities. I just don't think it's right. She already has one degree and could get a job but decided she needed to further her education and whatever happens to her kids happens. She is just enjoying her life. She rarely talks about her kids and most of the time they aren't even with her. She has gotten used to way too many other people handling raising her children while she does as she pleases.

[Cherie2]

This mother you speak of sounds very much like my own mother. Her mother died when she was 13, she spent her adolescence with sisters that really were very much busy with their own lives and young families. She married at 17 and had 2 babies within a year with an abusive husband. After leaving him and playing house with my dad for a few years she was out. She spent the next 25 years living out her adolescence.

I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it’s worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

I see this happening with my brothers x girlfriend as well. She got pregnant young and her mother basically said ok you wanted this responsibility now go have it. Her dd is now 11 and this woman still acts like a teenager, she even leaves her dd with her mom and/or grandparents for the entire summer often times. (not my brothers child)

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.

[1littlebit]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

lShe knows I have faith in her.

this is the sticking point i think. intentions make all the difference. some people will help b/c they don't think their child can do it on their own. they believe that their child and grandchild need them in order to succeed in life and do not believe their child can now or will ever be able to succeed without their assistance. this is detrimental to both parties and as far as i can tell not remotely close to what your doing.

the other way is offering help and support to ease a bit of the burden off of your child so that they are able to gain some experience, grow up a little, save money, go to school and get a job etc. so that when they leave and do things completely on their own they will not have to find a house, a job, go to school, find a daycare, go into debt etc. supporting them and helping them while they build a life is much healthier IMO. there is nothing wrong with letting them know that you are there to help them until they are ready and able to move out and support themselves, that you fully expec them to do this, and you have complete faith in their ability to do this.

[FrederickMama]

I became a grandmother of twins a little more than a year ago. My daughter was just a couple weeks shy of her 19th b-day.
Whether your child is a good parent or so-so parent or bad parent .... it is very stressful and often heart breaking to see them struggle with parenting at a young age.
Having become a mother at 18 myself, I'd have to say being a reponsible parent is possible for a teenager. But for me, the most important thing was to have to do it on my own.

[MomOnDaEdge]

Originally Posted by bumblebeeskies

I really hate lying, but after seeing so many people in this situation, my best advice would be to write a short note saying you and dh charge dd X amount to live there and that she provides for her own food. By doing this, she can get medicaid for both kids, food stamps, and help with child care so she can go to school. The bonus, would be that social services has really ramped up on child support collection, for anyone that applies for benefits. Hopefully, her two X's work.

Not worth the risk to either family. States are cutting a lot of workers; fraud is not one of them. And it's a felony. And since she is under 22, she MUST include her parents and siblings on the FS application. Fed rule. 5 years is the max, 2 in some states, for TANF, use those years wisely. Once they are gone - they are gone. True that C/S collection has become more of a priority but keep in mind that state workers are being forced into furloughs. Bigger caseloads and smaller days. And what is collected is used to "pay back" the state for taking care of the children. Medicaid is the only given for children and preg. woman.

Originally Posted by Cherie2

I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it’s worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.

Please take this with with the gentle intention with which I mean it. Your DD is not an adolescent. She is a young woman with an almost 4 year old child and another on the way. First dates, homecoming and proms are long past. The love for your g-child(ren) reads loud and proud in your posts. It's more that YOU want to keep them close rather than force your DD into being the parent her child(ren) need. And there is not a damn thing wrong in saying that. If you force the issue, she will take the children into an unsuitable enviroment - and who wants that for the LO's? But in giving her the best of both worlds you are actually doing her a diservice. As long as you are holding her hand she has no reason to do it on her own kwim? Have faith that she CAN do it on her own or come to terms with the fact that you can't bear those child(ren) leaving your home. Neither choice is right or wrong. What works for one family won't work for another. But at 20, with 2 children, she is not a teen.

Originally Posted by FrederickMama

Having become a mother at 18 myself, I'd have to say being a reponsible parent is possible for a teenager. But for me, the most important thing was to have to do it on my own.

That's the route my mother took when I was single and had a babe in arms at 19. She was always there for me but she never ever took on the parental role. He was my child and she the doting g-mother. It was hard and it was scary but we made it (with help now and then) and he's a strong independent man today. It was the right thing for us, but it may not be the right thing for others. The most important thing was I knew I could always "go home" for help if I had no other alternative. Just knowing I had that back up in case everything went south, but my family considered me a capable adult, meant the world to me. When times got tough, and I mean tough, I always asked myself; "Can I make it through this or is it time to go home"? I always found a way but just knowing I had that Plan B made me much more brave.

Love them but don't parent thier children. Standard disclaimer in regards to neglect, abuse and such but, while giving them wings - please also give them feet. Strong, firmly planted feet than can weather the storms of being an adult with the responsibility of another life. Provide the shelter they need if push comes to shove but please, give them feet.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by MomOnDaEdge

Please take this with with the gentle intention with which I mean it. Your DD is not an adolescent. She is a young woman with an almost 4 year old child and another on the way. First dates, homecoming and proms are long past.

But at 20, with 2 children, she is not a teen.

I agree. It's too late to worry that she didn't get to be young. She has chosen her future by deciding to have sex at such an early age and risking the chances of getting pregnant not only one time but two times while she is young. It's her life and she will grow up and mature and hopefully down the road it won't affect her negatively that she missed out on things but you never know. I had friends in high school that got pregnant very young and it affected some of them negatively.

Like everyone else has said, the most important thing is for your DD to learn to do things for herself and her children.

[darcytrue]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

Even thought the birth control is an issue that wont be visited for a few months the thing of it is that you can lead a horse to hormones but you cant make her drink them … as much as I would have liked to protected her in this area, there is nothing more that I as a separate person could have done.

I agree. But there are forms of BC that aren't required to be taken daily. That might be her best option. I'm just afraid that ten or twenty years down the road she regrets her choice to have children in this manner once she meets the right man that she really wants a family with. That's all. Maybe she won't but no one knows what turns her life will take in the way future.

[fwlady]

I also started having my family young. I got PG at 18, although I was FT military at the time. Then I married a different man, he abandoned us. So, my parents took me and my toddler in. They required me to either work FT, go to school FT, or PT in both. I worked FT at one point, then did college FT and babysat with my son PT, and then quit school to go to work FT since I was PG again at 20, for my soon to be inlaws benefit. That was a dangerous job, so soon to be DH made me quit. So, we prepared for our sooner than planned wedding, and I went with him.

During the time I worked FT, I paid my sister to babysit. When I went to college, the state paid for my daycare. I had 3 mos of TANF (we called it AFDC), and the babysitting and FS when they yanked them because of my age. They pursued my son's father, but never found him. How can you lose a military man? My DH has adopted my son since though, and he has never known anyone else.

My Dh lived with his parents until we wed. MIL wanted FIL to make the boy give them some rent to live and eat there, but FIL wouldn't. She said she planned to put it into savings, because they didn't need the money. She just wanted him to stop getting himself into debt, and take on some responsibility. He worked for them FT, and another PT job, so I consider that responsibility. But, his dad would bail him out by taking the CC and his paychecks to pay all the debt off.

Anyway, my point is, what if you asked her to start paying some rent and food? If this is hard on your financially, then she should be willing to do this. MC will pursue the fathers, if they can be found. Encourage her to get MC and have them do this. She can use this money for the kids, and the rent she is really paying you. Charge her babysitting. Whatever money you don't need, put in savings for her without telling her this. Ask her to save what she can towards getting out on her own. INSIST that she get her GED. Then, when an emergency happens, or she is looking for furnishings for her new place, you can go shopping with her to get those things with the saved money. My parents did NOT let me live there "for free". No, I didn't pay rent or food, but I did pay babysitting and diapers, baby's food, etc. I didn't get to just run around with my friends. I was required to be going to school or work FT.

As far as DH, we didn't have s#x until we already decided to get married. I think Dh was trying to make it easier on his Dad to accept me, and that he needed to cut the apron strings. I tell ppl on occasion that DH trapped me. LOL And, that is true. My mother was so mad at me. She said that the first time, okay, but this time, I knew better. I told her that soon to be Dh was probably hoping to get me PG so that his Dad couldn't object to the marriage. She said, "Oh, Danny wouldn't do that." We were all family friends, his parents to mine, his siblings to mine, so she thought she knew him. LOL My Dad always blessed our union from before our first date. I got so very lucky in all of it. DH's Dad wanted him to pay child support, because his first marriage was also a shotgun marriage, and it didn't work out. And, his son was all he had from one crappy marriage to the next. He didn't tell DH this until he was 24yo and I was PG, and DH never did the math. I thought it was a little late then.

And, as far as the kid going over the edge. I had been battling an eating disorder since I was 15yo. It lasted nearly 10 yrs. My mother could have been softer, as she always thought I would go over the edge. But, she would still take the tough love approach, because she knew it was the best thing to do. I am sure she cried many nights, when I was at my worst. Only during PG did I have a miraculous recovery with the ED because I was so pro-life. She said the first time that if it was just PG that cured me, she wouldn't have minded a teenage PG. Only kidding though. It was a lot of pressure, and I did struggle all that time with the ED, but I also went to counseling while at home, at Mom's insistance, and I knew it was best. I think that counseling should be required if you think her emotional state is iffy. I did that until marriage. That was the catholic counselor that really encouraged me about the impending marriage. I mentioned my mother said she never wanted us girls to marry the father of the child if the child came first, because it would never work out. The counselor said, "what makes you think it can't work out, really?" That straightened me out to give it a go. I was only having doubts because my mother did, and he left his underwear on the floor in his room at home. Our first three years were rough, but after that, it did a huge 180 and we are soooo happily married. So, yes, it can work out. But, we were both very dedicated and don't believe in divorce, in most cases.

I hope she does join these boards. I think they are truly a Godsend. Kymberli

[rhubarbarin]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

This mother you speak of sounds very much like my own mother. Her mother died when she was 13, she spent her adolescence with sisters that really were very much busy with their own lives and young families. She married at 17 and had 2 babies within a year with an abusive husband. After leaving him and playing house with my dad for a few years she was out. She spent the next 25 years living out her adolescence.

I would like my dd to have a chance to experience her adolescence albeit a slow and complicated one while she is young and not spend her life chasing it as my mother did. I guess I figure if I can give her the best of both worlds (not saying I can, but it’s worth a try) my hope is that she can settle comfortably into parenthood, without resentment.

I see this happening with my brothers x girlfriend as well. She got pregnant young and her mother basically said ok you wanted this responsibility now go have it. Her dd is now 11 and this woman still acts like a teenager, she even leaves her dd with her mom and/or grandparents for the entire summer often times. (not my brothers child)

My intuition tells me that if I keep my hand held out for her to hold on to until she is ready to let go that she will let go when she is ready. She knows I have faith in her.

You sound like such a good mom. It's obvious how much love you have for your daughter, your grandchild and the soon to be 2nd one.. I think you are making really good choices for your family. Good luck with everything, this must be hard.


I did want to say though.. I just don't understand the need for an adolescence (which I guess to most people means a time in your life when your needs are taken care of by your parents, you have enough autonomy to pursue things you enjoy and have unrestricted fun, and you aren't burdened by responsibilities), especially when the person in question is a parent. Most people in the world never experience such a time in life.. I don't even know if I think it's a good thing that some people do.

[Cherie2]

I just wanted to thank everybody for their thoughts and stories. I wanted you to know that I am reading them and taking them in even though I have not responded.

[Pinkalicious]

Originally Posted by Cherie2

Oh, man .. Ok this is probably not really the place for this, but I don’t know where to put it. She is pregnant again… my dd. She is 20 now. She got pregnant when she was 16 and now her ds is 3 ½ . She is doing well, as a mother, but is still lagging in many areas and certainly not “taking care of herself” yet. DH and I support them completely financially and we care for our grandson a lot of the time. I don’t mind this arrangement but I don’t think she is ready for another child. I was so hoping she would finish school and start doing something to start becoming self sufficient. She needs to know that she can take care of herself and her child; she needs that for her self esteem. She can barley handle her son all day how is she going to be with 2? Sigh … I am rambling, I am sorry I am just so worried... Now what?

The bolded part of your post is what concerns me the most. If your DD can't take care of herself yet (with a 3 yo child) and if you're doing the majority of the raising and caretaking for your grandson, then your DD really needs to think long and hard about her choice.

What if (God forbid) something happened to you and/or your DH and you couldn't help her out anymore (financially or otherwise)? What would happen to her and the children? How would she manage?

Adoption is a wonderful option. There are people who are financially stable who are ready, willing, and able to love and take care of a child.

I hope your DD thinks her pregnancy through and realizes the difficult road ahead of her. And, I hope that you are able to stop enabling her and help her become an independent woman.

My best wishes to you, regardless of the outcome.

[Mylie]

As one young Grandma to another all I can offer is a hug...

[papayapetunia]

You know, I had my first daughter when I was young and single and lived with my parents. They really helped me out, I took advantage as much as I could...some people may have thought my parents enabled me. It didn't take away from the person I was inside - a person who wanted to step up eventually and provide for my family. I put myself through law school as a single mom and am now married and financially ahead. I really think it's a shame when people assume the worst of others. My parents did what felt good for them, and they knew that I was a good person who wanted to do good by my kids and myself. The whole "second time is your fault" thing is totally demoralizing. This is going to be a precious baby, not someone's mistake or wrongdoing. And OP, only you know if action needs to be taken by you with regard to your daughter. If you need to kick her out for you, or require certain things of her for you, then do it. But don't do it to teach her a lesson, because people learn lessons on their own because they're good decent people, not because of what someone else does to them.

[hhrules]

Hey, I know just what you need! You need the non-profit that I daydream of starting. But since it doesnt exist, maybe you can create a similar situation.

During the past 3 years I have agreed to watch sweet babies for free while the young mommy got on her feet. It was 2 babies, at two different times, so the baby got one on one attention, and I had plenty of time to really observe and think and research and write. Funny how little tiny babies are so much easier no that mine are practically grown.

So here is the important part. I acted as a mentor to the young mommy. We had daily contact, plus I kept a journal in which I wrote the details of the day PLUS some parenting information appropriate to what the baby was doing.

It was great gobs of fun for me, and the bonus was that the mommies were much more willing to listen to advice from me (a total stranger with no emotional baggage attached) that listening to their families constantly telling them what to do. I helped them plan for future childcare, helped them find whatever programs were needed (WIC and such), talked about the dads and child support and all kinds of stuff.

Surely, surely, surely there is somebody out there who can act as a mentor for your DD! Maybe even online??? A mentor can help her make a plan, figure out the financial stuff, all that. Then you can be mommy and grandma, and offer the emotional support without sounding to her ears as judging and controlling and all that.

But no matter what...this IS her family. She is now creating her family. How awesome is that! Hugs to you.

[Cherie2]

you don't happen to live in oregon do you?

[candiecotton]

ok shes pregnant the shock is worn off a little . things are not going to change she will have 2 babies . i had 3 when hubby & i got together & they had different fathers ( theyre not "dads" they havent earend that name only dh has )
i had no support what so ever from my family at all i was forced to do it alone. but i turned out ok .

you are a great mom /grandmom for supporting your dd \

what you need to do is sit her down & have her make a plan . if she wasnt working or going to school what has she been doing these past 4 years since her son was born? ( well we know one thing she was doing dont we ( sorry couldnt resist) )
have you let her go out & be a teenager & go out with her friends while you stayed home with the little one . who has been doing most of the parenting ? has it been ou or your dd ?
has she been doing any of the care of the little one or has it been you .

you need to tell her that she has her full support but she is 20 not a teen anymore. she should be doing all the care for the little one , & if she goes out she should make arrangements for a sitter ( because im guessing that she doesnt ask to go out & for you to watch the little one) . \
Is she learning any life skills , can she cook , clean . nows the time to get her ready to be independant. \i would have her check to see if there are any community programs that can help her get on her feet. i know here they do & they help the moms getthe information they need to get their ged get off welfare if theyre on it & become self sufficent.
im not sure about where you live but the GED is a test that you can study for on your own & then go take the test . she can do that . theres always distance education .

i would stsrt by telling her that you love her & will always be there for her & that the best gift she can ever give her childrenis the gift of her education , & try to get her to do something to get that.
also tell her that if shes going to be there with her children she needs to be the mom not the babysitter . tell her that you are going to step back from being the mom & be the grandmom . this means she is going to be responsible for their care . & tell her shes to do everything for them laundry , prepare meals. & their personal care . see what happens.

help her file for child support because who knows the father could be working & not telling her .
she needs to be taught to stand up on her own 2 feet.

i used to work with a prenatal group we had a mom there she was 15. her mom did everything for her if you asked her how she felt her mom answered . then one day the group leadeer said to the mom that we had only a tiny room for this weeks meeting & that we were just having the moms so she couldnt come , she came by herself, & a wonderful girl emerged from that little quiet person who didnt talk much . we did a dream chart that day & she said she wanted to finish school & go into child care . well once her mom found out that the world would not end if she let go a little . the girl finished school ( she took a year off) they had the arrangement that as long as she was in school the gmom took care of the baby but once mom came home she was mom & her mom was the gmom . she did everything herself for the child . the mom finished school with homors & now is the manager of a daycare which is what she wanted. shes now 23 & has another little ne . her mom made her take responsibility & t did good .

so maby its time you sat her down to get her to make her life plan .
im sorry if this sems liike a ramble but once i starts i can write a book